-1I Don't Swing That Way!
Warnings: tonnes of swearing, shounen-ai, really AWKWARD (and down right sexy) position in this chapter. XD
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or Lady Gaga's song 'just dance'
A/N: just a little note to say, the 'I Don'ts' now officially have a plot line! (gasp). Yeah, up 'til now we know that Ita and Naru met and started a 'love/hate' relationship. They've had a bumpy ride from some time in spring one year to February the next! But hey, they stick together because love conquers all! Or some cheesy crap like that… well, hold on to you seats folks because not only is the story about to get more cheesy, more serious and will actually have a plot, it may well lose some of it's humour! (double gasp) especially in chapters 13, 15, 19, 20 and 21. (all those pretty chapters!) I know this is a humour story, but now the plot has hit I can't NOT do it. If you stick with the I Don't anyway, you are legends. - and Itachi will make you pancakes!
(Itachi: nobody gets that except nee….)
(Me: oh… well, nee, if YOU want pancakes you just need to piss off my DARLING husband… I miss our scripts! Come back to me!!)
Happy belated Birthday Nee-chan!
Also, this whole thing hit me when I was shopping in ASDA. I started giggle like a school girl in love right in the middle of the store and people kept giving me funny looks. XD
Sorry for the REALLY long A/N. On with the story!
I've had a little bit too much, all of the people start to rush by!
This song pretty much sums up how I am right now, except for the fact that I'm not dancing and I'm not gunna start dancing just because they song freaking tells me that that's gunna make everything alright. Stupid fucking song… but yeah, I'm probably pissed out of my ever loving mind by now. Yes, I'll admit I probably had a little bit of a drinking problem, but I firmly believe every soul just lost and needs some soft of stimulant to calm them - pfft! Yeah right! I'm here chugging back the alcohol at 3 minutes past 12 because today is the worst day of the year. It's actually Valentines day! In a mere few hours (about 7 really), the rest of the world will be waking up to go join their lovers, or to wallow in their self pity.
It's the day I'm forced to realise that I have a hyperactive, underage, cheesily romantic as hell boyfriend who calls one of my best friends 'aunty' waaay too easily, is best friends with my brother, (who hates my guts), is a citizen of a village that's after my head and hey, lets not forget the organisation of mass murderers I belong wants me to pretty much assassinate him. It's just your typical 'my boss would so fire me if he found out' situation.
But wait, no, it's not true. I'm not sat here drinking my way to death because it's Valentines day and my boyfriend just happens to be the most inappropriate person. Nor am I selling my soul to the 'devil', also known as 'Alcohol' because every time I close my eyes images of him come to mind that would be rather questionable in a court of law should he chose to sell me out as some kind of paedophile. (cough) having him on the kitchen floor is my favourite so far. (cough) I'm not even drinking because I actually just said that! Nope - I'm getting pissed because before Naruto came along I was not gay, and I just got a very forceful reminder of that fact.
My X- girlfriend (yes, well done, I DID have a life before I met Naruto), has decided to grace me with some absolutely LOVELY pictures of her and her new boyfriend. In bed together.
Now, I'm not too annoyed about the fact that she's got a new boyfriend. Nor am I overly pissed off about the pictures. I'm just confused as to how I went from being perfectly straight and enjoying the company of the opposite sex. To liking Naruto - and only Naruto. And really? do I like Naruto? Last time I checked I didn't swing that way! So what changed?
I slump down the wall, nope! I've decided, I'm as straight as ever! I don't swing that way. I still like girls and I have to tell Naruto this - there's no point in giving the kid fake hope after all! I nod to myself and close my eyes. 10 past 12 is really late… or is it early?
- X -
Mhmm… Naru looks so… delicious like that. Such innocent eyes on such a sexy body, when did we even get into this position anyway? Do I really care? I think as I trail kisses all over his exposed body. I've wanted this for so long now.
"I love you Naru." I whisper in his ear, grinding and biting. Kissing and sucking…
"Dammit Itachi." he says, his usually childish voice gruff with lust. "Stop with the romantic crap and screw me into the sheets!"
I wake up to small, persistent knocking at the door. Where did Naruto go? Who the fuck would be knocking at this time of night? isn't it raining? My house is on the outskirts of nowhere, how did they even get here? The knocking continues and now I'm just pissed that they woke me from a damn good dream. Not that I swing that way or anything.
I grudgingly make my way to the door as the knocking gets louder, I swear to god, whoever's on the other side of that door I'm going to fuck-
"…Naruto?"
Well, doesn't that sound like a good idea.
Wait, no! God dammit! I don't swing that way remember! Gah!
Naruto looks like the embodiment of pissed off about as much as I look like the embodiment of just pissed. So rather a lot.
"Look Itachi, I don't want to know which way you don't swing, nor do I care why the hell your living in a cottage in the middle of nowhere, and I don't particularly give a shit about why you look like you just drank your weight in alcohol. I am wet. I am cold. And I have the most annoyingly itchy bug bite on my thigh that I can't scratch because every time I do it looks like the fucking touching myself!" he pants slightly, and after that speech all I can think of is that I really need to stop saying things out loud, and do I really look that bad? Naruto glares - "let me in!"
I step aside. I believe I said before now that Naruto sometimes reminds me of a manipulative housewife, this is one of those times. I blink at his back as he stomps on and makes himself at home, and I wonder if he would act like this if he had knocked on someone else's door. He slips into one of my two old, moth-eaten arm chairs and begins feverishly scratching his legs, and then pretty much every other place on his body, like his neck, knees, arms and back. With every knew itch he becomes more frustrated, letting out cute little growls.
No. not cute.
"Dammit!" Naru groans, "I can't freaking reach them." he explains, trying to reach the very middle of his back. He shoots me a sideways glare as if it's all my fault.
"Don't get me wrong. I love being a ninja - but I'll admit I like it better when we're staying in five star hotels then I do when we freaking camp!" he goes back to scratching.
"Your right." I say, then pause because I'm surprised that I can actually still talk in my present state of mind - the alcohol induced state. "Campers are just natures way of feeding mosquito's."
He giggles sweetly, but it soon turns into another groan as he attacks his arms and legs again. I blink, he's so cute and vulnerable like this. Damn it! Don't. Swing. That. Way!
"You know Naru…" right! I have to tell him! "You see…"
He blinks at me with those big, innocent blue eyes. Fuck it Itachi! Stop being such a sap!
"What is it Itachi?" he asks, still scratching he knees.
"I…" I don't swing that way, right? "… It will just get worse if you scratch it."
Dammit, what that fuck was that? Naru scowls at me,
"I cant stop!" he exclaims. I know if he carries on he'll just make them bleed though. So I stroll over and catch his wrists. He squirms.
"Don't be a jerk! They freaking itch!"
"I have some cream that can help."
"I already tried that! It takes time to work and so I just scratched the cream off!" he pouts, I roll my eyes, I'm getting used to the puppy dog look. I drag him to the bed and use some bandages from my first aid kit to tie him to the post. No you fuck-tards, I'm not being kinky, if he can't use his hands to scratch then he wont. Simple logic. I leave the room and hear him yell 'Itachi you kinky bastard, get back here and untie me!'
It's times like these when I'm glad I don't have neighbours. I come back with the cream and 'tut' at him.
"Will you at least stop swearing?" I ask, he smirks.
"Like you can talk!"
- touché
I try to hand the cream to him, but he just glares.
"Very funny."
I realise way too late that I've tied him up, and therefore he cant apply the cream. If I'm going to go through with this (will I will because I'm as stubborn as a mule) then I'll have to apply the cream for him.
"did you just 'eep'?" he asks, I shake my head feverishly. I didn't! so, I uncap the lid and squeeze some onto my fingers. I'll start with the one on his neck. It wont be so bad.
As gently as I can I press the cream on my fingers to the bite on his back and spread it around a bit, but don't rub it in. Naru squirms. I stop. He looks away and says 'it's cold' as an explanation. I'm willing to believe that, after all I have it on my fingers. I know it's cold.
We repeat this on my arms and ankles, then comes the problem of the bites underneath his clothes. I hesitantly unbutton his jacket and lift up his t-shirt so I can reach the one in the middle of his back. He's gone quiet now, and I can see the blush spread across his cheeks, I feel like I'm blushing too, not that I swing that way! He squirms a lot as I apply the cream to the bites on his sides, so I can pause again, but start spreading it around. Then he giggles. I stop.
"A- are you… ticklish?" I ask. Naru glares.
"M-maybe a little."
Somehow I find this undeniably adorable! But I don't swing that way!
"Well, deal with it, it's for your own good." I say dramatically and use an elastic band to tie Naru's shirt together so it doesn't fall down and rub away the cream. It's amazing what you can do with an elastic band! I get up to leave but Naru's glare stops me.
"What?" I ask.
"There's another one!" he says and I'm about to ask where, when I remember the one on his thigh. I blanch, but nod. I go to roll his trousers up some more (they're already past his knees since I already did those bites) but Naru rolls his eyes.
"It's way too high up, you'll have to take them off."
I blink a few times. Then:
"what?" I squeak. Naru rolls his eyes again.
"don't worry, I'm wearing boxers." are his only words of comfort for the guy who's slowly undressing him while trying to convince himself he's straight. I curse silently, but begin to unbuckle his belt, unbutton his trousers and slowly push and pull them over his cream covered knees. My face goes up in flames looking at the blonde, half naked and tied to my bed. So much for Uchiha's don't blush. If my father could see me now, he'd probably skin me alive. I squeeze some more cream on my fingers and spot the large mosquito bite on his inner thigh. I bite me lip and lean in, pressing the cream to the bite in the most delicate way I can. My breathing hitches.
I don't swing that way. I don't swing that way. I don't swing that way. I had no idea applying bug cream could be so erotic. Naruto's tanned, slender legs spread slightly wider so I can reach the bite better. I gulp.
I hear the door go, but there's no where near enough time to change my position, or even to pull my hand away before Deidara's staring at us, with Tobi in toe. (I knew I'd regret it the day I gave him a key).
"AUNTY DEI-CHAN!" Naru squawks, clamping his legs together, effectively trapping his hand in between his thighs. I'm too frozen with shock and absolute terror at being caught in this position with an underage boy to say anything. Deidara turns around and faces my arm chairs and then grabs Tobi and makes him turn too. I can already imagine the how next Akatsuki meeting will turn out. Dei addresses the arm chairs, but he's talking to me.
"should have expected something like that, 'tis Valentines after all." Tobi lets out a giggle and I try to say something like 'it's not what it looks like!' but Dei hold up and hand and silences me before I can finish. "Just came to say that the next meeting is in two days. You and Kiz are supposed to be catering. Sasori says he liked the pancakes you made last time." I blush again, suddenly very bashful. Dei waves over his should and he and Tobi leave. As soon as the door clicks shut I hear their laughter. I look down at my hand in between Naru's legs. He looks to shocked to move.
I don't swing that way. Yeah right!
The fact that Deidara and Tobi are together on Valentines day is another hint at their relationship. It's the smallest one in the WORLD I know. But hey! XD also, the inspiration for this was the fact that I have a REALLY annoying bug bite on my knee. (sigh) unfortunately for me I do not have any bug cream, or a sexy Itachi to apply it for me.
'Til next time folks!