-1I Don't Like Flowers… Much
Warnings: Tonnes of swearing, Shounen-ai… loss of some of the humour. ^cries^
I am a firm believer that no one is unhappy when receiving a bunch of flowers, which is the idea behind this title. But the title doesn't really have much to do with the content of the chapter. Te he. Also, at the end I'll tell you the month's each chapter took place in. I'm going to start leaving the 'story date' at the top of the chapter. ^love^
A/N: In this story no one knows Tobi's true identity, and they are all deluded into thinking he's younger then them! XD And Tobi humours them.
February 16th
Deidara's a prick. A full blown, annoying as hell, bitchy, blonde prick! I mean, for God's sake, it was bad enough with just Kiz and Dei teasing me, with the occasional snide comment from Zetsu. But now Dei's bratty fuck-toy Tobi is now officially 'in' on what must be the biggest scandal ever to happen in the Akatsuki! And he won't. Shut. Up! With every other pestering question and suggestive comment I want to remind him that I'm not the only one fucking a blonde… not that I'm fucking Naruto… oh my God! I can't believe I just thought that! I shake my head to rid myself of the images, and have to wonder, if Deidara's 'Aunty Dei-chan', does that make Tobi 'Uncle Tobi'?
Tobi tilts his head to the side as if I've just said something really strange, and knowing me I've probably been thinking out loud again and he's wondering what the fuck I mean by 'Aunty' and 'Uncle'.
We're sat next to a lake in some random park, I'm sat with them in an informal semi circle around me, like they're interrogating me, (which they are). Them being Kiz, Dei, Tobi and a very sleepy Zetsu. To any passers by we're just a bunch of full grown men having a picnic. Cuz ya know, that's not an unusual occurrence at all! - note the sarcasm.
The real reason we're here? Simple. Pre-Akatsuki-meeting-interrogation over tea and biscuits. Minus the tea and biscuits.
"So, Itachi-chan!" squeals a hyper Tobi in my ear, this is the first Akatsuki meeting he's been allowed to go to, so he's very happy at the moment.
"Where do you get off calling me -chan?" I shout childishly, although that's sort of allowed, since I'm second youngest here. Tobi being the youngest. The brat just smiles and carries on.
"Right, sorry, only Naruto-kun can call you that right?" he asks slyly, and I'm just about to nod when I realise what he actually said and glare instead, remembering a time when Naru did go through a stage of calling me that. And how come Naru get's -kun when I get -chan? I glare some more. The brat continues on what he was saying again. "Still, how can I be your uncle if I'm younger then you?"
I roll my eyes, I just knew I'd said that out loud! Zetsu snaps out of his sleep to answer the question for me. Good Zetsu! I'm tempted to pat him on the head like a dog, but I'm still afraid of being eaten.
"You being Itachi's uncle is actually possible, as age makes no difference. A mother could have a second child after her first child has grown up and had children. Although the scenario is unlikely." he says matter-of-factly, "However, I believe Itachi was talking about you being Naruto-kun's uncle." Tobi looks a little confused, and I have to inwardly laugh at the 'what the fuck' look he gives Dei, who looks like he really can't be arsed to explain the whole 'Aunty Dei-chan' thing. Dei might love fucking Tobi, but they barely ever really talk. Of course my momentarily good mood is crushed when Kiz says:
"Yep, and even you're older then Naruto-kun!" - I glare some more, okay… so it's the truth, but does he have to make me out to be so paedophilic? Yeah! (I hate Deidara for that ANNOYING habit) okay… so maybe being in a relationship with a 13 year old is a little odd, but still!
I fall back onto the grass and look at the sky. I have little over two hours to get these guys to stop talking about said odd relationship before we all have to assemble in front of the big boss guy and get new orders. And in my case, probably a scolding about the fact that I haven't 'captured' Naru yet.
- X -
Pein's a pretty scary guy. I mean, firstly - his face looks like it's freaking MADE of metal. Secondly - his voice makes me feel like I'm walking on nails and jagged stones. And lastly, - his name is pronounced PAIN.
I look around the room, letting my eyes rest on each member in turn, we're in a perfect circle in what looks like a cave. We're not really there, but with the Jutsu working, it does feel like we are.
Next to me is my partner, Kisame. And next to him is Sasori (who I haven't seen in ages) and his partner Deidara. Then it's Hidan (barely dressed as usual) and Kakuzu, his partner, (who's probably dressed way too much). Then Konan and Pein (As much as I'd love to describe these two in my typical way, I'm afraid they'll read my thoughts and murder me for it… wait, I kinda DID just describe them in my usual way didn't I?). After Pein is Zetsu, and where Orochimaru used to stand, on the other side of me, is Tobi - who's only here because Deidara begged. Personally, I'd rather look at Tobi's spiral mask then Orochimaru's snake like features. Orochimaru's almost as scary as Pein. Almost.
But yeah, metal-face has been telling each member their orders and congratulating them on one thing or another since we got here. Now he turns his (freaky) eyes on me. I gulp slightly and let out the breath I've been holding. I fucking hate these meetings.
"So, Itachi, Kisame… you haven't yet captured the nine-tails I see." I inwardly wince and I hear a few giggles from around the room. I feel like a school boy being told off for not doing his homework. But I'm so not going into the naughty school boy thing (which Deidara once suggested was the kinky spin on mine and Naru's relationship - which it so isn't!) my face heats up at the idea of a kinky relationship with…. With Pein of all people! That's just wrong! I shake my head and scrunch up my nose. Ew!
Pein gives me that 'are you feeling alright… freak' look and carries on, luckily he pays no attentions to his workers laughing.
"Care to explain why the nine-tails is still free?" he asks.
"He's… slippery" is all I can think to say. Laughter erupts from around the room again, and those not laughing are looking confused. I look down at my feet before I can stop myself, and then can't bring myself to look back up.
"What's so funny?" Konan eventually asks Tobi, who's giggling the most. The brats snaps his mouth closed instantly and shakes his head.
"Sooo not my place to say!" he says and for a fleeting moment I feel like I could kiss him. Then I remember it's TOBI.
Pein talks directly to me again, and I feel victimised since I'm the one he's glaring at but Kisame's my partner and he had a part to play too! It's as if he already knows I'm not even trying to capture Naruto.
"Well, if you feel you've met your match in this child then I will put Kakuzu and Hidan on the job." he says emotionlessly. I clench my fists. There's no way I'm letting those immortal freaks go near Naru.
"No!" I shout before I can stop myself, and I decidedly ignore the smirk Deidara sends my way. "I haven't met my match! You don't need to get anyone else to do it. We'll handle it, we just need a little more time!" I feel like I'm begging for approval, but I'm really begging for a chance to save Naru. Because Hidan and Kakuzu are the no mercy types, and if they went after him then Naruto would have no chance. Pein seems to consider me for a while.
"Why so determined?" he asks after a elongated amount of silence.
"It's a matter of pride." I lie in response, staring him straight between the eyes. After a long time he nods once.
"You have until June 9th Itachi Uchiha. Meeting adjourned."
And just like that we're spiralled back to the lake in the park. I open my eyes and avert them from the other Akatsuki members, I have until my birthday to some way to dodge Pein? A hyperactive blonde gets in my line of vision and it takes me a while to realise it's not Deidara. In fact, I only realise it's not Dei when he sits on my lap, gives me a bone crushing hug and demands to know what's wrong. I don't know how Naru got here, but I'm not really worried, he always just seems to find me when I need him too. I wrap my arms around him and hug back, ignoring the 'aww!'s' that the other men shoot our way (they're being sarcastic I'm sure, because grown men do not say 'aww') what am I going to do when June comes around?
"What's wrong Itachi?" asks Naru again, I shake my head and give a fake smile. Luckily Deidara makes his presence known to the other blonde, or else I know Naru would have pestered me more.
"Hi Naruto-kun!" Dei shouts loudly, and Naru blushes furiously, probably remembering a couple of days ago on Valentines.
"How's your bites doing?" asks Tobi, which makes Naru blush harder and Kisame to raise an eyebrow. "I'm Uncle Tobi by the way!"
Naru looks from Dei to Tobi and says:
"I didn't know I had to many relatives in the Akatsuki." then a look of annoyance crosses his face, "I've been an orphan since birth, couldn't you have come along a bit sooner?"
Dei and Tobi share identical looks of sudden sadness, they drag Naru off me and start hugging him and apologising, like they really are his uncle and aunt. Then they begin playing, tickling him and not what, ignoring his protests. I decided to follow the example and ignore his pleas for help, looking around the park for why he's here and who he's with. I spot Jiyaira sleeping under a tree. Bloody pervert isn't even training him right! I glare at the old man, but by June I know I'll be glad that he's always hanging around Naru. No matter how I look at it, he's a sanin. I hope he'll give Hidan and Kakuzu a run for their money.
A sad look must have crossed my face because the happy family are telling me to cheer up. I give them the 'fuck off and leave me alone so I can be an emo' look, but as always, the blondes are persistent.
"C'mon 'Tachi, you have 'till June, chill 'till then yeah?"
That idiot, he shouldn't say things like that out loud, not in front of Naruto.
"What's happening in June?"
- see?
"Nothing! I'm not annoyed." I say forcefully.
"But you are upset and worried!" Naru says, just as forcefully. "I can read you like an open book!"
"You can read?" I say spitefully, he scowls and the other Akatsuki member 'oooh' , so I back track. "Okay, that was uncalled for, but really! I'm fine!"
"You're a terrible liar Itachi."
Tobi picks up one of the pancakes Kisame and I made for Sasori (who didn't even come to our pre-meeting meeting) and nods in agreement. I stick my nose in the air. I don't care how much Naru pushes, I will not tell him anything about my deadline.
Naru seems to know I wont relent and stands up.
"Leaving so soon Naruto-kun?" asks Kiz dazedly. Naru glances back at Jiyaira and shakes his head.
"I still have a little time, so I'll be back in a minute if that's okay?"
Deidara hugs him again.
"Of course it is sweetie!" Tobi looks at me over Dei's shoulder and I think he may be a little jealous. But since Naru was originally jealous of Deidara and I, I know he has nothing to worry about. I give Tobi the 'Peace' sign, and then the 'Okay' sign, which is Akatsuki language for 'nothing to worry about' which we use on the battlefield. Unfortunately I'm caught by Deidara.
"Not talking about us are you?" he pouts, pulling Naru close again, just as the kid was about to escape and all. Tobi tugs on Dei's sleeve, which makes him let go of Naru - and needless to say the two spend pretty much the rest of the afternoon lip locked and tongue tied. I find it hard to believe no one saw this coming, but both Kiz and Zetsu look very shocked. I look for Naru's reaction, but he's already gone.
"Err… when did they…" Kiz can't even finish his sentence and is pointedly looking anywhere but at Deidara and the now unmasked Tobi.
"My guess is some time before may last year." Dei gives me a thumbs up, Zetsu looks like he's caught on and nods.
"Yes, the day I got a mission with you." he says, Kiz still looks confused.
"That day Tobia nd Dei entered the room at the same time and looked like they'd just finished some rough sex. That's when I figured they were fucking." I explain matter-of-factly to the shark. Kiz gives me a funny look.
"I don't pay that much attention, perhaps it's just your Gaydar?"
I whack him round the head.
He fondles the handle of his sword.
I apologise.
Naru pops up out of nowhere and I have to remind myself that yes, he is actually a ninja (while I'm having a heart attack that he can actually sneak up on me), and he shoves a bouquet of flowers in my face.
"Cheer up Itachi!" he says cutely.
"Err… Naru, I'm a guy - and a murderer at that." I state, Naru nods and gives me the same 'well done clever clogs' look I give him when he states the obvious. "Flowers?" I ask.
"Nobodies unhappy with a bunch of flowers!" he exclaims and pecks me on the cheek, shoving the flowers into my arms. Dei cat calls and Kiz laughs, I avert my gaze and laugh nervously.
"C'mon Naru, I'm a mass murderer! I don't like flowers!" I say, but pull him close so I can whisper in his ear, I don't want anybody else to hear what I have to say, and my deadline still weighs heavy in my mind. I put my lips to his ear so that no one can lip read, and say in a barely audible whisper "…much"
Here's the dates:
Chapter 1 - April of the first year
Chapter 2 - May of the first year
Chapter 3 - June 9th of the first year
Chapter 4 - December of the first year
Chapter 5 - February of the second year
Chapter 6 - February 14th of the second year
Chapter 7 - February 16th of the second year