"Hey Charlie, you like sleep right?" asked Connie the next morning.
"Yes actually, I happen to immensely enjoy it, which is why I don't know how I am friends with you people since I never seem to get any of it when you all are around."
"Well whose fault was that last night?"
"Grr, Don't remind me."
"Are you interested in revenge."
"Absolutely."
"Excellent." Connie whispered her idea into Charlie's ear and he considered it with interest.
"Okay, but I have a couple of questions."
"Shoot."
"One, are you sure he will sleep through all of this?"
"Are you kidding? He was totally zonked the whole car ride here! He even slept through the whole van sing-along to Queen's greatest hits."
"Jesus Christ, I'm jealous. How does he DO that?"
"I know right? I wish I could…" Connie grumbled half to herself. "Anything else?"
"Yes, have you enlisted others? The two of us can't carry him by ourselves."
"Of course I've got others. Guy and Adam want revenge too, and Fulton is helping as well because he thinks it's funny and he never quite got Portman back for super gluing his favorite lucky underpants to Dean Buckley's Lexus."
"Hah, you have to applaud him for that one."
"True but he could have used his own underpants."
"True, Fulton was pretty ticked, he had been planning to wear those throughout the playoffs for good luck."
"What?! He was going to wear the same underpants for a few WEEKS?!"
"… Yeah, and?"
Connie gave him a completely revolted look. "That is absolutely disgusting. I am so glad I am a girl. Anyways, everyone is actually in on it so that anyone waking up from the noise and freaking out won't get us busted. So what do you think, oh ye of little faith?"
"You are an evil mastermind."
"Why thank you. Operation Velvet Hammer Revenge begins tonight at one-fifteen, we have to give him time to get into deep sleep."
…
"Christ he is heavy, who feeds him?"
"I do! He loves my bacon and eggs, not my fault."
"Shut up Charlie! We can't wake him now we're almost there!"
Charlie was never going to make fun of Connie's love for Disney movies ever again. The Parent Trap inspired her to drag Portman's air mattress to the lake and send him afloat. She had predicted correctly that the move from the tent to the lake would not disturb his slumber, he was dead to the world. Had he not been snoring Charlie would think he was actually dead.
"I feel like we're getting rid of a dead body," whispered Guy.
"If he wasn't such a great defenseman we WOULD be getting rid of a body now," replied Connie.
"True story."
With a final heave they got him into deep enough water to keep the mattress floating, and Connie got the honor of pushing it out into the water. Charlie for one felt extremely satisfied watching Portman drift away. Connie mirrored his expression and Guy, Adam, and Fulton were struggling not to laugh too loudly.
"I gotta hand it to you Connie, this is pretty great," said Fulton, patting her on the shoulder. "This just about makes up for him stealing my boxers."
"You weren't really going to wear them during the entire playoffs were you?"
"Yes! I've done it every year since I first joined the Ducks!"
Connie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."
"Enough underpants talk, let's turn in."
"Agreed."
Charlie checked his watch, it read one forty-five. He wasn't too bothered. If he slept until eleven-ish that would make for a decent nine hours of sleep, he'd take that."
With their mission complete the pranksters returned to their tents and crashed. They awoke at ten A.M feeling refreshed and to the smell of bacon cooking.
"Well this is pleasantly surprising," remarked Luis. "What puts you in such a good mood?"
"A good nights sleep, that's what. The fact that Captain Portman is still out at sea and not about to make port anytime soon only makes it better."
"So I take it Operation Velvet Hammer Revenge went off without a hitch?"
"Correct, now we're just waiting for him to wake up."
As if on cue those who were awake, which was only the mattress carriers and Luis at the moment, heard a loud string of profanities and a splash. Charlie was laughing so hard his stomach ached and Connie was literally laying down and pounding her fist on the ground. Guy was pretty sure he had cracked a rib. Everyone was still cracking up ten minutes later when Portman reached the small beach, dragging his mattress and sleeping bag behind him.
"I hate all of you," he mumbled grumpily as he walked to his tent to change. That of course only set off their laughing again.
"You can laugh now but I WILL get you back sometime."
"What are you going to do Admiral Portman, send a fleet of floating camping equipment after us?"
"Har har you're a riot Germaine."
"He can do whatever he wants," interjected Connie. "I am content for now. If he gets me again I'll watch my Disney movies again."
To make amends (and to make sure he wasn't on the receiving end of any more pranks from Portman) Charlie served him a heaping plate of bacon and eggs. Portman ate his breakfast with a look that suggested he was deep in thought, which Charlie found incredibly unsettling.
"Oh come on guys! This is all in good fun and games right?"
"Shut up Charlie," said Russ, emerging from his tent. "You just don't want to be pranked. Man up!"
Charlie grumbled something about "false accusations" and finished serving breakfast.
"You know Charlie, if playing pro hockey doesn't work out for you, there's always the option of opening your own bed and breakfast," teased Luis.
"Yeah man, I'll get you in contact with my parents, they know the restaurant business."
"Um too bad a bed and breakfast falls more under the hotel business Goldie."
"Did I ask for your opinion Cowboy? What do you know about the hotel business anyway? Who was it who had to reimburse Orion because he confused the "continental" breakfast with "complimentary" breakfast and ordered everyone room service?"
"… that could have happened to anyone."
"Yeah right."
"I'll clean up the dishes Charlie."
"Thank you Ken, I appreciate it. You know, I get no respect around here."
"Cork it Conway."
"You know what Russ? No dinner for you!"
"No mommy anything but that!"
The team snickered at him and Charlie became more miffed.
"I fail to see what can be so amusing about childish remarks."
"You really sound like Casey now Charlie."
"I hate you all," grumbled Charlie.
"So… what do we do now?" asked Jesse.
"Swimming?" suggested Guy.
"Chicken fights!" yelled Julie.
"You are so going down Gaffney."
"I would heed that warning Julie, we've all seen Connie and Guy in action," said Jesse.
"EWWWWWW!"
"Shut up Averman, you know what I meant."
"Um, no what if I don't?"
"If I meant what your little pervert mind is thinking then I would have phrased it 'We've all seen Connie and Guy GETTING action-"
"Which we've also all seen," muttered Fulton.
"Unfortunately," finished Dwayne.
"Hey, no comments from the peanut gallery," said Jesse. "As I was saying, Connie and Guy are undefeated at chicken fights, end of story."
"Ain't that the truth," agreed Goldberg.
"And that's about to change. You game Connie?"
"You know it Julie."
The two girls shook hands with devious challenging looks on their faces.
"Is it wrong that even though I grew up with Connie in a sisterly fashion I find that bad girl smirk of hers incredibly sexy?" asked Adam out of earshot of Connie.
"No man, Connie's always been a babe," whispered Charlie. He clapped Guy on the shoulder and said, "You are one lucky man Germaine."
"Believe me Charlie, no one knows it better then me. Alright Cons suit up, we've got a chicken fight to win." He whacked her butt and they went to change.
"Is he going to get dressed with her? Perv," said Dwayne.
Julie rolled her eyes. "Oh come on Dwayne, he's her boyfriend, besides its nothing he hasn't seen before."
"Besides," began Averman, ready to burst into giggles. "Maybe a quickie before the fight helps them." He was nearly in tears of mirth by the time he got that out, and so was Charlie. His were tears of sorrow though.
"Answer me this," interrupted Fulton. "Why is it that Connie and Guy's sex life always gets brought up in discussions? It really has to stop, I just ate."
"Agreed."
"So Julie, whom do you choose to partner you in your quest for domination?" inquired Portman. He was secretly hoping Julie would pick him; he wanted to get back on her good side.
"Would we get to share a locker room with you?" joked Adam. Julie rolled her eyes and Portman shot him a glare that did not go unnoticed by Ken. He begged God to help Portman keep his temper in check; he did not want a repeat of their last argument at Charlie's house.
"Hmm… you know what, I've got it."
pleasepleasepleaseplease begged Portman silently.
"Goldberg," (Portman cursed inwardly) "as my fellow goalie will you accompany me on my mission?"
"I would be delighted to Miss Gaffney, let's do this." Julie and Goldberg high-fived and went to their respective tents. Guy and Connie walked to the lake discussing strategy while everyone else weighed Julie and Goldberg's odds.
"Not a chance," declared Adam definitively. "Connie is ruthless and Guy is steady."
"Connie is quite vicious," agreed Portman. "Remember two weeks ago at Mason Hollman's barbecue when she pulled Mary Geiger down by her hair?"
"That was intense," added Russ. "The game had barely begun and she grabbed a chunk of that long blonde hair and yanked the hell out of it."
"Yeah…" began Ken. "About that, it was partially because Portman and Mary were flirting big time and Julie was pissed. Connie was helping Julie mark her territory because Julie was too timid."
"Julie? Our Julie? Catlady, timid?" asked Russ doubtfully.
"She overheard Mary make a comment to Jenna Harper earlier that she looked 'like a total chubbs' in her bikini" he said, using air quotes to emphasize Mary's words. "Why do you think Julie and Connie disappeared and Connie came back without Julie and with a murderous look in her eyes."
"Which was also sexy," interjected Adam.
"You know how Julie is sensitive about the size of her thighs even though they are all muscle?"
"No," answered Luis. "We didn't know that, but continue."
"Jesus Ken how do you know this?"
"I actually knew that too, Connie asked me to drive Julie home and I wrestled at explanation out of her, I never would have known if Connie hadn't told me though," said Adam.
"It was easy," said Ken. "You guys just aren't very observant. I overheard Mary say that to Jenna, saw Julie run inside and grab Connie on the way and I inferred the rest. And we all know that Connie doesn't take any bullshit from anyone, let alone a complete moron who once asked Adam how to spell "probably," so she took the problem into her own hands."
"Probably? Really?"
"Oh yeah, and then she ran her hand up my thigh in the middle of freakin' English as a 'thank you'. I can't even tell you how awkward that was." Adam shivered at the mere memory.
"So basically I'm an idiot and that's why Julie has been so mad at me?" asked Portman.
"Yep," replied Ken. "Everyone knows you have a fat crush on Julie. Everyone also knows Mary Geiger likes you, and she's been putting Julie down since the beginning of sophomore year anyways because Jack Kerkoven dumped her for Julie."
"Dude, Julie could snap Mary Geiger in half."
"Most definitely," agreed Luis.
"Connie almost did snap Geiger's neck that night," said Russ.
"I'm so glad I'm not a girl, their fights are vicious and ruthless," said Averman.
"We're starting guys, if you want to see our victory that's going down in history!" called Julie from the lake.
When the team approached the lake they saw the competitors were in the water and ready to begin.
"Charlie," called Guy. "As captain will you be our announcer and unbiased referee?"
"I'd be honored Guy. Ladies and gentleman, what we have here today is a once in a lifetime occurrence. Two people who should know better are challenging the undefeated champions of chicken fighting. First I'll introduce the defending champs, Ms. Connie Moreau and Mr. Guy Germaine!"
Guy rolled his eyes; sometimes he forgot how much of a cheeseball Charlie could be. Connie played along and waved her hands, blowing kisses to the "fans." Adam mimed catching one, held his hand to his heart and pretended to faint. Well Adam is assistant captain; it only makes sense for him to be assistant cheeseball, thought Guy.
"And now let me present the challengers! Here they are, Ms. Julie Gaffney and Mr. Greg Goldberg!"
Goldberg held Julie's arm up and the audience cheered.
"Now for the rules." Julie raised her eyebrows at Charlie as he pondered what rules to instate. "No eye gouging, and I'm talking to you specifically Moreau with your history of violent behavior. Any funny business and it's the locker room for you, got it?"
Connie saluted to show her agreement and Charlie clapped his hands together in acknowledgement. "Alright competitors, assume the position."
"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" yelled Russ.
The fight was delayed a couple of minutes due to uncontrollable laughter from the competitors and audience.
"Okay, now that everyone is ready to act his or her age," Charlie paused to glare at Russ who smiled cheekily. "We are ready to begin!"
Connie and Julie climbed onto their partners' shoulders and Guy and Goldberg turned to face each other.
"On the count of three ladies, one, two, three, FIGHT!"