Chapter 2

You had said 'Always'.

Forever. Eternity. Without interference.

Did you lie?

Or worse, were you doing it to protect me? To let me hold onto whatever hope I had left?

I wonder if, it was just a throw away word. A random selection of over 200,000 words in our language. And you managed to pick the one word that I would take to close to my heart. Or the one word I would read too much into. The one word which inevitably seemed to chose our fate, our future. Or, in our case – the end of it.

"This is the last time we fight together, okay?"

It was your smile that scared me, you were declaring your own defeat, your own 'death' and you were still smiling. Eyes still sparkling as they always did, shoulders shrugged casually in relief.

"What I'm trying to say is…after we beat Yu Yevon, I'll disappear…"

You had known for a long time, hadn't you? The way you spoke, it sounded like you weren't even fazed, like it was no big deal. It was terrifying. The words were spoke with acceptance and I had little time to retaliate. I wish I had. But I was too dazed, too naïve.

""I'm saying goodbye…"

Before I knew it, we were surrounded by what I thought was Sin's pyreflies, only it turns out they were yours too… Your own soul was floating away from you before my very eyes. I was utterly helpless.

I am glad no clichés came from your lips, no impulsive words of desperation, of undying love or forgiveness. I am glad you said no words at all. You didn't have enough time to say it all and too much time to compress all you feelings and thoughts into a few vital words for my frantic heart to cling onto. Your eyes, they said more than your lips ever could.

Find another? Move on?

Are we the hero and heroine of some story? It feels like we are part of some tale, full of clichés and stereotypes. Romance and war. Will this story last the ages, passed on through the generations, where girls my age would yearn for the love we had - even if it did end in tragedy? I don't want our story to stick to clichés. I didn't want our life to be full of chaos, of endless exhilaration and adventure. Not after all this!

I just wanted you. I wanted you, me and the warm inviting sands of Besaid beach, with the calm waves gently lapping against the shore. I can almost feel the sand tickling between my toes. And the warmth of your hand clasped in mine as we are surrounded by our friends. I just wanted that. I wanted what everyone else in Spira had got. I wanted a typical, peaceful life with the people I loved. Except the person I wanted there the most was gone.

First came denial. Every morning, every evening, every time in between, I would purse my fingers between my lips and blow with all my heart. I would whistle until my lips were numb. It was relentless, it became an obsession. My mind was in frenzy. I couldn't stop making that damn noise, while Lulu and the others could all but watch, with their eyes glazed with sympathy. They had no idea.

Just…one more time. What if you hear? What if you come back?

I could keep trying, but my whistling never seemed to reach your ears. I would whistle until my face was flushed and I was out of breath, but for some reason, you just could not hear. But I still couldn't let myself believe it. You hadn't left me. Not after all this, not when we had just got our chance to be together. When we could live without fear, without worry – without sin!

I kept myself away from everyone, spending most of my time on Besaid, avoiding all forms of human contact. I can remember not saying a word for days at a time. I was in a trance, an endless nightmare that I couldn't wake from. Nothing more could affect me, good or bad.

Sometimes, however, that made it worse. I remember standing of the small dock, staring into oblivion and feel a small tug on my arm. This-unlike words- caught my attention and I turned around immediately, my breathing hitched in my throat, my eyes wide in anticipation. I am afraid to say I was, disappointed. I had expected to meet your face, with your gleaming ocean eyes and boyish smirk, only to see Wakka looking back at me, telling me that it was too late and that I should return to the village. I did not want to be touched by anyone, because after you – with your rough fingers caressing my skin – there was never a comparison. Anyone else was invading; I didn't want embraces, or hands of the shoulder for comfort. They meant nothing, I felt nothing. I wanted you and you alone.

Course, now I know how selfish and childish that was of me, its just that, you were the only one to make the pain go away, and you were the only person who couldn't help me, you know?

Anger came next. With everything. Especially you... (Another thing that made me terribly guilty). Those last few precious days we had together, you just seemed exactly as normal. Telling your terrible jokes and laughing the agonizing hours away. You convinced everyone. You even convinced me. I had thought that you couldn't save me, and you know what – I didn't even mind! You had tried, you had tried to save us and I thought you were willing to accept that we were going to meet an end. I though you were saying goodbye. I just never thought you would be the one to leave me! You didn't give me any damn notice!

At first I would think 'what is the point of even trying to save me, if you knew that you weren't going to be able to stay? Wasn't the whole idea that we were meant to live on together?!'

I know now, because I'm past of the point of anger, that you saved me. You knew we couldn't live on together, so you did what you thought was the next best thing. It scared me a little at first, that humans were capable of such an act of compassion, of such pure love. Did you feel that strongly for me?

Were you willing to forfeit your life, for me?

You are certainly not the cocky, over confident boy I first thought you were. You changed. Im just wondering if you changed too much. Its ironic really, when you first started the pilgrimage with us, we would never stop teasing you about your lack of familiarity with Spira. The looks you would get when you made a remark against things of such supremacy! You had no idea about this world did you? I think…that's one of the things I loved about you. I didn't have to keep my respectful summoner persona. I could be Yuna. Just Yuna. You made me laugh till I cried, sometimes you even made me scream with frustration! But by doing these things you kept me feeling alive. You didn't just want to be my guardian, you wanted to know me, be my friend.

Maybe you had to put on an exaggerated personality too? Everyone just thought you were carefree and upbeat but you had so many problems of your own that you didn't like to burden people about. I almost felt privileged to talk to you about your problems, instead of having to explain my own all the time. I used to love it when we would just sit alone, and talk about nothing. When we didn't have to worry about saving the world, if just for a few hours. But then, I guess it got more complicated…

Turns out your weakness was your advantage. You weren't brainwashed by Yevon, you always understood its faults. Many other people would have thought you a fool, but you were the better of all of us. You were not blinded by lies and offered another explanation that no one had ever dared to consider. Without your disbelief in the main authority of Spira, this would never have happened. Sin may never have been destroyed. You went against everyone and ending up being the hero. You had just an effect of all of us, you made us question everything, allowed us to open our eyes and realise that the main problem of this world was the one we would least expect.

Of course I felt guilt. Nobody could have prepared me for this. It turned my heart to lead. I couldn't stop thinking, my head throbbed. I couldn't sleep, thinking of different scenarios where I could have saved us, saved you. I felt so selfish! I wasn't sure if I deserved this. I know you wanted me to live on, but I wasn't sure if I could live up to that. I couldn't be happy, I couldn't smile. Is this really what you wanted? Soon enough my eyes stopped seeing, my ears stopped hearing and my body stopped feeling. I appreciated nothing. I was beginning to lose friends. This isn't what you would have wanted. You would have wanted me find acceptance and live my life, just like every other person who had lost someone due to sin.

Except, I thought I deserved you.

You sacrificed yourself. For Spira. For me. And because of that, I will keep breathing and keep smiling. I won't fool myself - I cry, I can cry until my eyes are swollen and my body shakes. But I now know. It won't bring you back. I don't know if anything will. As terrible as it sounds, I sometimes wish you simply died instead of fading away. At least then…I would have known. But my mind can't settle, I can't even begin to accept what happened. I will not cry at nostalgia, I will welcome it. I will embrace the memories we had and relive them, so that you are never forgotten.

"Hey, use that if we get separated."
"Then I'll come running, okay?"

Of course, I still feel you. I feel a presence every time I am awoken by the glorious sunshine streaming in through my window, coating me in warmth as if I was waking up with your own arms wrapped around my waist as we lay in bed, still dozy from the evening before.

I feel you when I am on the beach, my body smothered in the tantalisingly hot sand, almost as it if it is your fingers making my skin blush and burn. Or the hot rays tickling my skin or warming my heart. When the sun shines, I can smile, I can feel carefree. I almost feel as though you are there with me, looking over me.

"Not until the end..."
"Always."

Sometimes, I wake in the middle of the night, and I turn over expecting to find you peacefully sleeping next to me, only to be met by cold sheets that make me shiver. There is no warmth, only the reoccurring strike of bitter loneliness as I realise I will never wake up with you next to me. Of course I have to try and not be cynical – it's wonderful that Wakka and Lulu are together it's just… I wanted it to be us, you know?

They can try to comfort me, but they will never know what really happened between us and I don't think I want them to know either. There are some things that only we will know and cherish.

Like the night at Lake Macalania, one night that was followed by many more similar nights, spurred on by passion, infatuation and a desperate need for affection that each of us could only find in the other. Don't get the impression that we would simply sneak away in the middle of the might to hastily discover each other. No, it wasn't like that at all. Most of the time, we were far too overcome with worry and stress of the journey ahead of us to allow ourselves to become engulfed in desire. Kisses were innocent, slow and resistant as your gentle hands would caress my neck or hold my hands longingly. We would not allow ourselves to lose control, to risk being caught for the consequences where thought to be devastating. But sometimes, your need for each other feels like it's going to explode…that was a feeling I was not used to, it had scared me and I thought you would have laughed at me if I told you how I was feeling. My head dizzy, heart thumping, constantly swallowing and blinking to try and bring my body back to normal. We were seventeen…how could we have controlled such feelings?

He really wish someone had told him how tiring this pilgrimage would be, walking for hours on end come rain or shine, snow or storms. The Calm Lands had most certainly been the most torturous by far, vast plains of flat land that seemed to stretch into the horizon. There was barely any vegetation to shade from the blazing sun, and no caves or area to protect you the cold that came during the night. It made him lethargic. His sleep pattern was all wrong, tiredness taking over him in the day, when the heat made him sluggish and being kept awake in the night by the chill.

Like every other night, he sat outside by the campfire, occasionally lazily throwing more wood to feed his only source of warmth – the campfire. He kept wishing of sleeping next to Yuna, in that small bed in the travel agency, their bodies cosily pressed against each other for warmth. The thought just made him shiver- and not just from the cold. They had almost got caught that next morning, causing them to be much more cautious. Avoiding each others company was definitely part of the plan to prevent the other guardians getting suspicious, although it was against both of their wills.

Soon enough he would have to go back to his tent. Trying to fight the pangs of drowsiness, he yet again shuffled his body to try and gain more warmth from the fire. He was so tired in fact, that he barely noticed the sound of rustling coming from one of the tents. The sound of a zip was followed by shuffling, until he felt someone sit next to him. His heart immediately began to beat rapidly, as he sneakily shot glances to the beautiful girl sitting next to him.

"Can't sleep?" He tried to ask casually, stretching his arms over his head in an attempt to wake himself up. His eyes, however, remained nervously glued to the fire.

Her hair braid clinked slightly as she shook her head slightly in response; "Too cold…" she murmured softly, hands fumbling in her lap. The pair of them glanced at the floor in remembrance, both recalling the night were they had both had the best sleep in weeks, lying in each others arms in utter bliss. It seemed an age ago.

Yuna yawned quietly, sighing as she felt the radiating heat from the fire. She was glad that she didn't feel awkward in his presence. The quiet aura surrounding them was comforting. She looked up at the sky, as the million little orbs of light shone over them; it was a truly beautiful sight. She was wholly unaware of the affect she was having on the young man beside her.

Finally gaining the courage he needed, he glanced over towards Yuna, simply acknowledging her presence. Except what he saw caused him to do more than simply acknowledge her. His simple glance became a longing gaze; his eyes open wide in astonishment.

'She must still be half asleep' he thought, because there was no way in hell that innocent Yuna would have

wan tingly presented herself to him in this state.

She was leaning back on her hands, her arm sleeves had been discarded, and her beautiful, almost porcelain skin was evermore on show. He just knew how soft it was, he was so desperate to run his hands up those arms. His eyes then followed to her neck and shoulders. She seemed insistent on tilting her head upwards, simply to look at the sky – drawing all the more attention to her neck. Her back was arched, showing off every beautiful curve in her body. One of the straps to her shirt was slipping down her shoulder – her clothes obviously ruffled from sleeping in the cramped tent. Oh how much he wanted to kiss her shoulder whilst running his hands down her…

He was bitting his lip at this point, swiftly glancing between Yuna's face, checking if she had spotted him and her body. He was almost at the point of not caring. Almost. He could feel himself perspiring from the sight before him.

Her skirt was hitched right past her knees, providing him what he believed was by far the best pair of legs he had ever set his eyes on. Her knees were bent and slightly bucking inwards, which spurred Tidus's imagination much more then he wanted. He couldn't deny it to himself anymore; if she didn't stop soon he'd lose control. He couldn't stop thinking of being pinched between those stunning legs of hers– she must have been teasing him, did she realise how hot she was making him feel? How much he wanted to run his hands up that irritable skirt and clench her thighs whilst his head was pressed in the crook of her neck, and kiss along her collarbone, ever so slowly downwards until he reached her breasts-

He cursed mentally, violently tossing his gaze to the other side of the campfire as he tried to compose himself and fight away his thoughts. Yuna finally pulled her eyes away from the sky, blinking repeatedly to fight the daze she had been in. Eyebrows were furrowed in confusion at the sight of Tidus turned ever so slightly away from her, avoiding her glance.

"Tidus, are you alright?"

Gradually, his eyes pulled away from the ground beside him and for the first time that evening, their eyes met.

Yuna was a little intimidated by the intensity of his look, there was something different there that she had not seen before. Her breathing hitched in her throat as he shuffled ever closer to her, until there bodies was once again pressed against each other and the heat began to circulate. She once again met his eyes and this time she was able to retain his look. He eyed were wild and boring into hers, but she was still concerned as to what had overcome him.

Then, she felt his hand on her upper leg. His lips brushing along her neck and ear. Her lips involuntarily parted as a sharp sigh passed her lips. She just knew he would be smirking. He was never usually so forward…and she found she surprisingly liked it.

"Yuna, Yuna, Yuna..." He chanted huskily, his hand now slowly gliding up her body, until it reached her nape, where his fingers tantalizingly stroked the soft skin, "You know I find it hard to control myself…"

She gasped as she suddenly realised why he was acting so strange. She opened her eyes from disappointment, as his lips left her skin, making her cold. Her body was reacting in ways she didn't want it to, not here, not when someone could wake up at any point…

She turned her head and felt a sudden rush of heat once again as she felt his lips barely touch hers – almost as if by accident. His eyes were half closed, his hands wrapped tightly around her waist as he brought her closer to him. First, was a soft, lingering kiss that barely lasted a few seconds. Yuna was leaning into him, as she tried to kiss him further, but he pulled away.

Neither of them was quite sure why their breathing was so heavy when they had barely kissed at all. Their lips nuzzled with each others, as if to tease. Their silent giggles soon ceased however, as Tidus felt a firm grip of his arm and his eyes shot towards Yuna's, to be rewarded to with what seemed like a lustful look, just like his own.

Before she knew it, his lips were crashing into hers, and she felt her body being pushed back onto the dirt, with his body leaning slightly over hers. His arm running desperately up and down her side and her hands tugged on his hair. She could hear him gasp for air as he kisses continued, his tongue begging for entry.

Against her wishes, she pulled away from his kiss, only to have a breathless Tidus look at her with confusion at her sudden halt to their actions.

"Please, not here…" she whispered, feeling his nod against her lips before lifting himself of her instantly and offering her a hand to help her up. She barely had chance to brush the dirt of her clothes, as an eager Tidus began to pull her away from the camp and towards the closest of the cliffs that seemed to surround the Calm Lands.

As they ran from the camp, Yuna felt a sudden rush of excitement at their secret. Right now, for the first time, Yuna didn't want Tidus to be gentle. She was sick of this hesitance. All of a sudden a new, unrecognizable feeling had overcome her and she didn't want to lose it for a minute. He soon slowed down as Yuna caught up with him and without another thought; he pressed her up against the stone cliff. Her back arched as she felt the cliff behind her and Tidus instantly began to kiss her once again.

The sensation of his tongue in her mouth for the time was absolute rapture, sending her into a spiral of euphoria. She instantly moaned into the kiss, revelling in the new feeling as her back arched once again, aided by Tidus wandering hands travelling up and down her hips. He soon moaned roughly in response, feeling her breasts pressed against him. Her leg raised and wrapped around hip, bringing him ever closer to her. Skirt, hitched as his rough hand grasped the outside of her thigh firmly.

Soon enough Yuna began to slowly slide down the cliff, and Tidus followed her, until Yuna sat leaning against it, with him kneeled between her legs, their kiss never breaking. She lifted her leg once again and rubbed it against him and he happily took notice, his hand beginning to move under skirt to the upper realms of her leg. He honestly tried to slow down at some parts, because he knew Yuna may have found it a little overwhelming, but it was what he had wanted for so long. He loved how she tried to fight back her moans, bitting her lip until it couldn't help but pass her lips.

Then, he felt her push him back, pushing him until he was resting against the cliff. Then Yuna did something he would never have expected. She straddled him. She noticed his eyebrows rise in surprise as she bent over slightly to meet Tidus in a passionate kiss. He soon responded, his lips moving against hers as his arm wrapped firmly around her hips, foreheads pressed against each other. His other hand frantically running through her hair, watching as her eyes seemed to dance in the moonlight, entrancing him as her hips grinded against his, making them both groan without resistance as Yuna felt Tidus's excitement for the first time.

This moved them to an entirely new level, every night possible Tidus had tried to increase the intensity of their actions, all but leading to awkwardness because of Yunas lack of knowledge or confidence. Of course he knew it was expected, he never supposed Yuna to be particularly skilled in the art of foreplay-but this night was different. Passion had overtaken them both.

She felt spurred on, and at first Tidus willingly let her continue, thoroughly enjoying Yuna smothering him in heated kisses, Yuna rocking her hips, Yuna grasping his hair, in fact just being so close to Yuna in general. It was unlike anything he had felt before, for the first time he could remember, Tidus was more than a little nervous.

"Yuna…" he pleaded as she continuously tried to kiss him, hoping that she would stop. She noticed the tone in his voice and immediately stopped her actions, sitting upright on Tidus with a flush of pink embarrassment prominent of her cheeks. Her hands were once again in her lap, eyes glued downwards.

"That was way too close…" He signed heavily, relieved that he was able to stop himself. He let his head fall back and rest against the rock.

"I thought you…I thought you wanted me…"

He opened his eyes at the sound of her tearful voice, she really had no idea.

"I did – I mean I do want you Yuna. Badly" He admitted with honestly, sitting upright to put a stray lock of hair behind her ear to catch her attention. Yuna raised her head and smiled slightly as Tidus leaned forward and kissed her softly, showing her innocence once again. "Really badly in fact." he smiled shyly, his cheeks beginning to burn.

"Then why did you-"

"Because it wasn't safe Yuna! We both lost control! I could've hurt you or we could've got caught." There was a sudden tension between the two and it still stunned Tidus how quickly things could change between them. He felt a need to heal the situation. "Plus…" He brought his face close to Yunas and parted her hair so he could look openly into those eyes which he adored. A big breath was needed for what he was about to say. "Plus…I'm not gonna' and make love to you against a cliff am I Yuna?" he replied with a lop sided grin.

He was rewarded with a sincere smile from his love, his hand reaching forward to cup her cheek whilst she laughed silently. She was a little taken back by his openness; but she was glad he had stopped her; things were easily going out of their hands.

"Maybe I ought to get off…" Yuna suggested, laughing warmly as she began to push herself of Tidus lap. He smiled in response, but found himself watching her once again as she pushed herself off his lap and stood up, with him following suit.

"We should go back right?" He muttered, unhappy about going back to cold, cramped tent.

She nodded and took his hand as they strode back together to the camp. Thankfully nobody else seemed to be awake. How was it that they both felt so cold all of a sudden?

At the sight of her tent, Yuna turned around to say goodnight. Yuna smiled at Tidus's attentiveness to her as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her tenderly as means of goodnight. No words were spoken, for fear of being overheard and soon enough Tidus knew he had to pull away and watched hesitantly as Yuna unzipped her tent and stepped inside.

Soon enough he retreated to his own tent and was just about to step inside when he heard a certain someone whisper his name. He turned his head towards her once again, but was all he felt were arms around his neck and warm lips on his. She was going to get them into trouble, he knew.

And for once, he didn't think he minded.

When I finally returned to my tent that night, I didn't know what to feel. I was scared, scared that we going to be caught or that we had rushed far too fast into this. Then I can remember feeling happy – overjoyed in fact – because we had for the first time crossed over this panicky feeling that was between us when we were intimate. I knew that know, there was no going back.

Maybe someday, there'll be a true reason to search for you. But I can't stand any more disappointment. So I will wait, and I will keep waiting. So, until I know that you are still here somehow, I will let you live on in other terms. Spira will hear of you and you will not be forgotten.

If there is one thing I want you to hear, it's this:

I don't regret a thing.