Ch 7: Conflicted

The door closed behind Spock as he arrived into his room. He doubled over in an attempt to steady his breath and heartbeat, but to no avail. He found himself not only breathless and flustered, but shaken to the point where he actually trembled. How could such a drastic response be elicited from him again? While the mind meld proved to be a great emotional strain, he had thought he had recovered from it fully during his time at the Vulcan colony.

At least until he saw Kirk again.

He brought his hand to his face, still gasping for air. He could visibly see his long, slender hand shake. His physical reactions were proving to be extraordinary. There was also the tumult of conflicting emotions deep within him. Part of him was scared, unsure if he'd ever truly be able to control his emotions to the fullest extent anymore, especially not with Kirk as his captain. Part of him was repulsed; he and Uhura were still seeing each other, and to make a sexual advance at not only another person, but another man, was unbecoming even among human standards. Part of him was excited at how unpredictable his reactions were around Kirk. After leading a life of mechanical responses and citing rules, regulations, quotes, and theories, this man, this hot-blooded, reckless, stunning young human man, scraped away every last bit of his Vulcan ways until only the raw, suppressed human in him could be seen. And that part, the human in him, was completely and utterly turned on.

The human in him was surprisingly dark and twisted, Spock realized. It finally fully dawned on him that his biggest, deepest, darkest desire was to dominate Kirk. Not just to prove he was stronger and more intelligent, no. It had gone far beyond that now. As he had said to Bones after marooning Kirk, his prize stallion had to be broken in, and it was a task he was all too delighted to take on fully by himself. He licked his still moist lips, the taste of Kirk still lingering. Another evil smirk appeared on his face, one that spread wider on his face now that he was in private.

Yes. He would break the young captain. Break him of his promiscuous, flirtatious ways. Draw his attention to him and him alone. No other would ever take him away from him. He had laid claim to him. Spock thought sinisterly to himself:

He belongs to me…

The words echoed in his ears, somehow bringing him back to his senses. He clasped his head and dropped to his knees. No, he thought, what am I thinking?!? Why am I thinking these thoughts?!? Are they truly my own? Am I going mad?!?

His head flew up out of his hands, his eyes darting swiftly around the room. There had to be some logical explanation for this psychological break down. It was not yet time for his pon farr, he still had a few years before it came. Could he be contaminated in some way? When exposed to certain neurotoxins, Vulcan became completely illogical and resorted to their baser instincts. Add his human heritage to the mix and surely it would explain everything.

Spock rose to his feet, calming himself as much as he could. The thought that he could be more than just emotionally compromised oddly gave him great comfort. If he had indeed unknowingly come into contact with a foreign substance, he needed only to cleanse himself to regain his senses. He walked swiftly out of his room, anxious to reach sick bay…

Then it occurred to him. The mind meld. Both he and Kirk had undergone the mind meld. Despite the fact that Spock had willingly melded minds with Prime, the sheer amount of emotional transference must be affecting his judgment and his actions. This also explained why Kirk was so unnaturally afraid of Spock, as his mind meld with Prime was unanticipated and transferred far more information than was originally intended.

He turned back toward Kirk's room, but stopped himself before continuing in that direction. After his actions, he couldn't simply return to the scene of the crime. If Kirk was truly afraid and unwilling to be around Spock, there would be a repeat of their last encounter the instant he entered the room. Or worse, he could act further on his dark desires and traumatize Kirk completely.

This thought brought a stabbing pain to Spock's heart. He clutched his chest and leaned against the corridor wall. The thought of Kirk being afraid of Spock shook him to his core. It hurt him to recall those amazing blue eyes filled with fear at the sight of him. And what was worse, he took advantage of it. He used that fear to get what he wanted, which was completely unlike him.

Spock closed his eyes. How could he have hurt him? How could he have done something like that to him? And what's more, how could either of them forgive him for it?

Spock turned around and returned to his room. He fell on to his bed, exhausted from the emotional roller coaster he had rode on. He would not seek Kirk out, but rather let Kirk come to him. Perhaps by the time Kirk was comfortable enough to be around him, Spock's own emotions would be back to normal.

He could only hope.

Kirk stood under the shower head, water soaking him from head to toe. Steam filled the bathroom in strange clouds, as Kirk couldn't seem to make his mind between taking a cold shower and taking a hot shower. As soon as the cold water hit him, he began to shake uncontrollably, but as soon as he switched back to hot, thoughts of Spock stole back into his mind and he would quickly switch back to cold.

He turned the water off, frustrated that even a simple shower had become so difficult for him. He stepped out of the shower, water dripping off his lean, muscular body. He grabbed a nearby towel and wrapped it around him. Another smaller towel was used to dry his hair. He stepped back into his room and flopped in a nearby chair.

It was madness. That was his only explanation. A strange madness that developed from the mind meld he had with Spock. All the gobbledy-gook that festered in his mind had nothing to do with his own thoughts and feelings, but those of an ancient Vulcan who forced information into his head. Anger and humiliation boiled his blood as he recalled the incident with Spock. How could he have let himself act that way? How could he not stand up to that pointy-eared bastard and kick his scrawny ass out of his room? He had gotten lucky during the Nero conflict. He was exhausted from Delta Vega and from saving Scotty. Had he been at full strength, he could have easily taken the Vulcan down.

Flashes of the fierceness in Spock's eyes sprung to Kirk's mind. He saw that crazed, untamed fierceness on the bridge after pushing him to his emotional limits, and he had seen it again that day. But the fierceness was somewhat different. When he was being choked, he saw rage and a desire to kill in Spock's eyes, but when he was being kissed…

Kirk recalled the kiss that he and Spock shared. He touched his lips, somehow still able to feel his bottom lip being suckled by Spock. It was a kiss that was passionate beyond any kiss he shared with a woman before. Somehow, there was a sweetness, a tenderness, a longing in it that was felt in that far too short moment.

He bit his bottom lip, frustrated at himself for stopping such an incredible kiss, and frustrated at the gradual rise beneath his towel. What the hell was wrong with him?!? This was his First Officer! This was a Vulcan, a cold-hearted unfeeling robot! And furthermore, it was another man! Kirk was a hot-blooded skirt chaser! He shouldn't be lusting after another man!

But if he thought about it, if he really and truly thought about it, there were certain things about him that were similar to the things that attracted him in a woman. He was head strong, he was intelligent, he was unbelievably attractive, he had a power within him that matched and complimented his own.

And he could very well be the only person who could truly be worthy of him.

Every other woman he had been with was a mere tryst. A conquest to be had that lost all its fun when he claimed them for his own. He was a heartbreaker before he boarded the Enterprise, not because he didn't value women for the strong people they were, but because as soon as they made love, everything changed. The women would become clingy and flighty, which were two traits that were a total buzz kill for Kirk. Once the thrill of the chase disappeared completely, and Kirk swiftly lost interest. Once he set his sights onto a woman, none resisted him for more than a week, save Uhura.

Ah, Uhura, another strong-willed woman. She was everything that turned him on most about women, and was the only one to resist him for over 3 years. After the Nero incident, it became quite clear how and why she was able to resist him; her sights were not just set elsewhere, they were set on Spock.

Jealousy reared its ugly head deep inside Kirk as he recalled their make out session on the teleport pad. After that, there were the knowing looks they shot at each other, the whispers in each others' ears, the gentle touches as they passed each other on the bridge or in the hall.

It made him sick.

Yet Kirk was lost as to why it made him sick. Spock was a man that defied him every chance he got. Even after their vow to work together, still they conflicted. Spock cursed Kirk for his recklessness, while Kirk loathed the cool, indifferent reason Spock constantly spat at him. They stood on opposite sides of the spectrum and were like fire and ice, yet when they meshed and worked together for a common purpose, they were an unstoppable force. Despite their differences, he couldn't think of a better person to stand by his side as First Officer. But it was more than that. Something about Spock made him feel whole, complete. It was almost as if all the skirt-chasing he had done was to fill a hole that never seemed to go away, and once Spock came along, that hole, that emptiness, finally disappeared.

It finally hit Kirk. The mind meld wasn't the reason his emotions off; it instead was showing him why his emotions were off:

He was in love.

For the first time in his life, he found a kindred spirit that held the key to his heart, a person who he would give his life to protect.

Why the hell did it have to be Spock?!?