Beep. Beep. Beep.

Ugh. I defiantly did not get enough sleep last night. I was worried about something...I just can't remember what right now. Maybe I could just go back to sleep...

I tried for about thirty seconds before the beeping of my alarm clock annoyed me to much. I tried reaching out to find the snooze button with my eyes closed. I was flailing my arm around helplessly trying to find the alarm clock, but failing. I sighed. I opened my eyes and turned my alarm off. Then I rolled over and closed my eyes in attempt to sleep again.

Suddenly my eyes shot open and I hopped out of bed. Today I had to go to the hospital to get my blood tested to see if my cancer was back! How could I have forgotten? Holy Crap! I have been dreading this day for weeks!

Once a year, I go to the hospital to have my blood tested to see if my cancer is back. And every year it is the same. I fret over it for months to find my tests negative only to fret about it until next year. So to tell you the truth, I was scared shitless.

I slipped on a pair of on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, brushed through my hair and pushed it back with a blue headband, and brushed my teeth. The process would normally take at least fifteen minutes but since I was in a hurry, It only took me five.

I ran down the stairs without making my bed or put my clothes in the dirty clothesbasket which was odd because I am normally a clean person. That's what nerves do to you. I was expecting to see my mom there, but she wasn't. Huh. I checked the time. Oh...that explains it. It was only 6:30. Wait, why did I set my alarm clock so early? Oh well. The appointment starts at 8:00 AM. But ever then hospitals were always behind schedule so it would be around 8:30 to 9:00 when my doctor, Dr. Wilson, would see me. I sighed. I knew these next couple of hours would be long ones.

I went up the stairs and made my bed. Once that was done, I looked around my room. It was a mess. It was very unusual to see my room messy because I was a very clean person and always kept it nice and neat. I guess I just haven't been myself lately. It's probably from all the worrying. I started to put clothes in my dirty clothesbasket and hang up clothes and other little things in my room that needed to be clean.

I looked at the clock. It was 7:02. I managed to kill about thirty minutes. I sighed and sat on my bed. Thirty minutes already felt like five hours. Yep. This was going to be a very long morning.

I heard my mom I heard my mom shuffling around in the room right next to me, trying to get ready. Sounds to me like she was hurrying. She probably woke up late again. I chuckled. I loved my mom. I felt bad for her actually. I don't know how I would survive knowing that someone I loved very much was dying right in from of me and there was not a damn thing I could do about it. That is probably what my mom feels like. I know I would. It is different when you are the one dying. It isn't as hard. You don't have to watch it happen. The hardest part about when a loved one is dying is not when they are in the hospital bed saying good-bye, It is when they are actually gone. Knowing you can never talk to them, hug them, laugh with them, or cry with them. Ever again. I know all this by experience. My older sister died when I was ten in a car accident. It would kill my mom to have both her daughters die. When I die, my mom will be the one in pain for the rest of her life while I have no pain and go off to... wherever you go after you die. Therefore, it is harder to watch death or having someone close die then to experience it yourself or be the one to die.

After that glum thought I just had, I thought my mom deserved a special treat. Smiling, I skipped down the stairs and into the kitchen. I was going to make my mom a special breakfast like what I did when I was little, and my mom was upset about something my sister and I would always make my mom a special breakfast. It would always bring a smile on her face.

I decided on making four strips of bacon, two eggs, and some toast. I didn't have enough time to make anything else.

I took out some eggs, a pan, ready-made bacon, and some bread and got to work. I was done in twenty minutes with all the food on the plate and a table set for one. I took the plate and set it on the table. I would eat, but I can't before my blood test.

Right on cue, mom started coming down the stairs.

"Do I smell bacon?" she said hungrily.

Then she walked in and smiled. She was wearing jean shorts and a light blue tank top. After all it was a summer day in phoenix, Arizona.

"Oh thank you, Bella!" She exclaimed while running over and putting her arms around me. "I was just going to have cereal, but this is so much better! Thanks you!"

I laughed. "I knew you would enjoy it." She gave me a quick peck on the cheek before sitting down in front of her plate of food and started eating. I sat across from her, smiling. She ate her food so fast, I was surprised she didn't lick the plate. I guess she was really hungry.

"What made you decide to make me breakfast? I'm not upset.," she said curiously while she got up to wash the plate and silverware.

"I thought you deserved it after having to deal with...everything." I said. The smile slowly faded from my face. It's funny how every conversation seems to always go back to...that no matter what we are talking about. It's like I can never get away from it for even one conversation. It seems to follow me wherever I go.

"Oh, honey, it's okay.," my mom said positively even though I could see her smiling falter slightly. She put her hand over mine reassuringly. "Nothing will go wrong. It will be negative. I have feeling." I had to smile a little at her effort of trying to cheer me up. Only to have it disappear remembering that that was the same thing mom said when I got cancer the second time, five years back. Now I am seventeen, and I wasn't going to get my hopes up like I did last time only to have it crushed again. It always helps me to think of the worst that could happen so that whatever does happen doesn't feel as bad as what could've happened.

Worst-case scenario, My cancer comes back worse then ever and I will die in a couple months.

Oh my god. Would've that does really happen? Would've I do have cancer and will die soon. Would've three months from today my family and friends would be crying over my dead body...

Suddenly I was on the verge of tears.

No Bella. Don't think about that. Be strong. Don't think about that anymore. Just forget about it...

My mom got up.

"Done already?" I asked in the happiest voice I could muster up at the moment. It was pretty sad how dull and lifeless my happiest voice sounded like. My mom didn't notice. If she did, she didn't say anything.

"I've been done for a while." she said, confused.

"Oh right." I said blushing.

"And also I have to brush my teeth before leave." She said. I looked up at the microwave time. 7:37 AM.

"Okay." I said.

She went upstairs and before I knew it, she was back down slipping on some flip-flops. I put some flip-flops on too even though I hated when people wore sweats and flip-flops. At this point, I really didn't care.

We walked to the car. I almost tripped on my way to the car but I caught myself before the fall could've done too much damage. While that happened my mom nagged me about how clumsy I am and how it will be the death of me someday. We have had this conversation many times before. I wasn't in the mood to laugh so I just fake smiled to make my mom feel better.

When we got in the car, mom put the key in the ignition, put it into drive and backed out of the driveway. I complained to my mom when she said she was going to drive, but she had her mind set on it. If my mom has her mind set on something, you can never change her mind. She is very stubborn. I guess I got my stubbornness from her.

It was a hot summer morning, so I rolled down the window to get some airflow in the car. It was silent. But a comfortable silence. I just sat there the whole car ride, looked out the window, and watched the houses go by as we drove. My mom didn't even talk like her chatty self. She just sat quietly and let the silence fill the car.

Then, finally, I saw the hospital come into view and I started to panic. Deep breaths. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. I can do this. Mom's right. It will be negative.

Mom parked the car. I was starting to not feel so sure. Would've it was positive. No. I couldn't think that. I had to think positive. I mean negative. I mean- ugh! I had to think that my cancer would not come back. Not again.

We walked up to the building. The automatic doors were opening when suddenly I stopped. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I'm not ready to die.

"Come on, Bella." my mom said calmly.

"I can't do this." I said, close to tears.

"Bella," she said, "You have fought cancer two times already and won. If you have to, you can fight it again. You are the strongest person I know."

I smiled. That gave me hope. I could take anything. I took a deep breath, and walked in.

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AUTHORS NOTE!

Once again, please review! I LOVE reviews! Please review by telling me if you liked it or not, what I can do better, and other stuff like that! I constructive criticism because then I know what I can do better! Thank you for reading my story!