Sam Winchester sat in the chair of the crappy motel room. His head was in his hands rubbing in slow circles as a headache slowly surfaced. He was tired, hungry, and bored but he had to do research for this damn hunt, and so far he had absolutely nothing. He heard his brother come in the room followed with the smell of fries. He sighed and got up from his crouched position behind the mesmerising computer screen. Finally he could get something to eat.

"Got your food Sammy, better eat it while it's hot." Dean handed his brother the greasy bag and sat down with his own.

"Alright…" Sam said as if only humouring his older brother. Truth was he could barely see straight any more from the hours spent behind the computer, the headache and the constant feeling of unease in the pit ot his stomach. Or was it worry?

"So you find anything?" Dean asked between bites.

"Nope… Nothing useful anyway." Sam leaned back in his chair and took a bite out of his greasy burger with exhausted pleasure.

"Damnit. Guess we're back to where we started, which is absolutely nowhere…!" Dean grumbled, looking at Sam.

"Well we know one thing…" Sam left Dean hanging and the older brother had to calm himself before rushing Sam for the answer.

He sighed and took another bite. Patience…He mentally grumbled at himself. "What do you mean 'we know one thing'?" Dean asked with only a slight tinge of annoyance.

"That we better act fast or we'll have another murder on our hands." Sam looked up with a concerned look his brother knew all too well.

"What do you suggest we do?" His food didn't seem all that interesting any more.

"We go back to square one, and start our research, all over again."

Sam eyed his brother and saw him frown his nose regretfully. "You've got to be freakin' kidding me…." Dean sat down on the bed closest to the door, next to his brother and brought his food. Sam looked up with a dark look in his eyes that Dean too happily returned.

-

A couple of hours went by and Dean found nothing useful in his dad's journal. He was about to call it quits when his brother suddenly shocked him out of his gloomy mood.

"Ah-hah!"

"What?" Dean straightened and almost threw the journal aside in favour of the distraction.

"I think I found something."

"You better have found something, what is it?" Dean got up from his place on the bed and came to stand behind his brother eyeing the screen over his shoulder.

"I think Ben was right Dean. It's doesn't look like a spirit…It looks like a trickster to me."

Dean swallowed convulsively and tried not to think how he had hurt the kid. "Okay, what kind of trickster? My god, It better not be the same one that—"

"DON'T say it Dean." Sam said harshly and made Dean arch an eyebrow at him.

"Anyway, I think it's a Hagondes."

"Which is…?"

"Which is a cannibalistic trickster and a umm…uh-h…." Sam stopped when he read the last word.

"Come on Sammy, get on with it" Dean said urging his brother and nudging his shoulder brusquely.

"A clown….. spirit….." Sam said stopping midsentence as his pathological fears kicked in at sight of the word 'clown'. His irrational fears still very much a reality. He still wouldn't set foot in McDonald's. Irrational?? Yeah! Right! Clowns EAT people! He knew he was right and no one would ever convince him otherwise.

"Are you freakin' kidding me, Sammy? A clown spirit?" Dean asked and rolled his eyes in a strange mix of disbelief and the, not completely unfounded, thought 'typical'. "Man this hunt just keeps on getting better and better."

"It's not funny, Dean." Sam said trying to defend himself even though his brother technically hadn't even begun ribbing him about it yet. "At least I'm not scared of planes." He snapped at his snickering brother.

"I didn't say anything, Sam-"

"Yeah well… you were going to:"

Dean grinned behind his brother's back. "Well planes crash, Sam."

"And as you may remember, clowns kill, Dean" Sam said in a serious voice that only widened Dean's grin.

"Whatever. Think what you want to think, Sam" He said and chuckled. When Sam turned an angry glare at his he cleared his throat and sobered slightly. "So read me the rest of what you got, Sammich."

Sam wrinkled his nose at the new nickname, but returned his attention to the computer. "Well, it says this trickster is an Iroquois one. It is a Hagondes, but from what I can tell it's gone rogue. And apparently it's started picking off people before their time if it thinks they're unworthy of the life given to them. It really hates humans more specifically a certain type of human."

"Lemme guess: dicks."

"No not exactly." Sam drawled out the response and garnered another shove from his brother. "Losers. People it sees as losers." He frowned when he almost saw Dean grin. He glared and cut his brother off before he said something demeaning. As if I could actually stop him from saying it if he wanted to: 'Well then I guess we'll just use you as bait little brother', with a big freakin smile on his face. Sam picked up his lost train of thought and continued. "Which in reality means that it hates everyone it sees as unworthy. And then it kills them in the most ridiculous ways possible."

"Such as being electrocuted to death by furry little rats."

"They were moles Dean, not rats-" Sam corrected in a snotty voice.

"Anyway, what does this thing want with Ben's school and why is it there?"

"Well I looked up information on the school and apparently Ben's school was built on an Indian burial ground, which…creates more problems for us."

"Great, I thought everyone knew not to build on Indian burial grounds. Especially freakin' schools!" Dean felt his face heating and forced down a deep breath.

"They're just people. Do you really expect them to look up the history of the place before they build something on top of it?" Sam asked.

"Well, they should at least have SOME common sense. They could've checked the web." Dean rubbed his face and knew he was acting a little too childish about it all. It was too late to do anything about it now. Unless they tore the building down?

"Dean…" Sam sighed and thought of the right way to phrase his thoughts. "Ben's school was built fifty years ago. They didn't have the web back then."

"Never mind, Sammy." Dean grumbled and stopped pacing in little circles. "Just tell me how we kill this damn thing" He sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"Well, its powers are invisibility, razor sharp teeth and claws, glowing eyes, and it can move in absolute silence. Also it said something about altering appearance and some sites even mentioned the ability to change reality."

"Sound familiar?"

"Yeah…"

Dean straightened and started pacing around the room again. "Well that's all very nice, Sam, but how do we actually kill it?"

"It's weaknesses are a fear of light, doesn't say if it's natural or all light, salt and a shot to the heart. Now I don't know how that would kill it and I have no idea what kind of bullets you would need to kill a trickster."

"Silver?" Dean threw in his two cents.

"Possibly. It's also supposedly vulnerable to decapitation and starvation."

"Okay, then, what do you suggest 'cause I'm feeling in the mood for a little chopping." Dean sniffed and squared his shoulders when Sam turned to glare at him.

"You can't just walk up to a trickster and say: Hello, please hold still while I cut off your head.

"Whatever. You just don't wanna get close to it because it looks like a clown."

"It doesn't say that- just says 'clown spirit'."

"And that means…?"

Sam huffed and sagged. Dean heard him mumble something under his breath and smiled mirthfully behind his back. He was gonna have so much fun with this.

"A Hagondes is still very powerful. We might have to weaken it first." Sam replied looking back at his brother suspiciously.

"Great. Let's go kill this sonuvabitch and get the hell out of dodge." Dean was already getting his jacket and keys.

Sam felt like they were missing something. He felt guilty and knew his brother felt it too. And he knew the reason for the cold in the pit of his stomach. "Dean-"

"I know what you're gonna say, Sam, and the answer is no." Dean interrupted in a harsh voice before his brother could finish his sentence. He knew what his brother was going to suggest because he wanted it desperately too. He knew where the guilt came from. Who had put it there.

"Alright." Sam replied quietly as he looked at his brother in worry. They both wanted to get out of Cicero and leave the past behind, but both wanted to make amends before they left. Sam didn't want to leave fearing that Lisa would never call him or Dean again in fear of another argument. He knew Ben would never want to talk to either of them after what Dean had told the kid. The bridges they never knew existed had suddenly been ripped out from under them and now all they saw was the abyss that lay beyond.

SnSnSnSnSnSnSn

Ben stood in front of Keola's house and sighed. In his hands he held a letter written to his friend. One he never intended for Keo to read. One he would never deliver.

Keo,

Things can't just go on like they used to any longer. I feel like I'm falling apart. And what hurts me the most is the knowledge that I can't afford such a luxury. I just can't. And it seems like I'm constantly carrying a ton of bricks on my shoulders

I'm fed up. I'm tired of living a life not meant for me. I feel like a liar and a frauds for even pretending to be normal. I feel like I'm standing on a bridge that's burning and the truth is I just wanna jump off. You won't get to read this, Keo. And you'll probably think I'm going down some dark path- hell I probably am.

I keep having these dreams. Dreams about deserted country roads. I'm on my way to free myself from whatever's pulling me back. I really want you to know how much I've valued our friendship over the years. You have been my most loyal companion and I'll never forget that. You know that, Keo. Please tell me you know that…

Right after the changelings when I was really sad, isolated, lost or hurting, you always comforted me. I still remember our first hunt together. We're blood-brothers old friend and nothing can change that. I remember the hunts we were successful with and the ones we messed up. And how we always found some way to cover up those…messy failures.

Ben sighed deeply. There wasn't room for failure in this game. Dean had been right about that. The most dangerous thing for hunters was amateurs who thought they were doing them a favour. Ben vowed never to become a failure. He would never risk the lives of his friends.

It's hard to realize that some people in your life won't be in it forever. Or for even a moment. And until you understand why I left, don't bother to come looking for me.

He wiped an angry tear from his cheek and glanced up at the house looming in front of him.

'Goodbye, Brother

Ben'.

Ben folded the letter as he pondered whether to leave it or take it with him. He took one step onto Keo's gravel drive way and flinched when the gravel crunched under his boots. He stepped back and crushed the letter in his fisted hand. With jerky movements he threw it on the ground for fait to deal with and ran off, leaving his friend's house for good.

He kept walking in a brisk pace trying to keep the last thing he needed to do before he left, out of his mind. He still needed to say goodbye to Kate.

Ben stood in front of the two story house and stared. In his mind he imagined how he would have said goodbye if he'd had the chance. If he could have been sure she wouldn't have followed him. As it was now he wasn't going to say goodbye to her. She wouldn't get a letter like Keo might if the wind didn't carry it away. She wouldn't get a teary goodbye or softly spoken words. It would only hurt a hundred times more if he had to do it face to face. The wind rustled the trees around him. He had a clear view to her room and started imagining what he would have said to her.

'Kate….

In his mind he saw her long, dark hair as it flowed softly in the wind. Her teasing eyes as she smiled softly at him.

Even though you can't hear me or see me, I want you to know that I love you…

His breath hitched at the thought of what she would say.

…but I'm leaving.

I know I shouldn't because there's so much I need to finish. But I have to go and there's nothing anyone can say to stop me.

He wondered if she would even fight him about leaving. If she would even care?

You know, some say that you should let go the ones you love.

Ben frowned as a clear tear rolled down his cheek. He quickly brushed it away and cleared his throat.

But I don't want to let go of you. I don't want to forget you. Every fibre of me is screaming for me to hold on to you. Every ounce tells me I'm wrong to forget you, so I won't. I promise. Time can make you forget me, but time will always make me love you much more than ever before.

He closed his eyes and tipped his head back. Slowly he reopened them and gazed at the rolling clouds.

Damn, I've known you forever, Kate. Everything we've ever been through, everything we've ever done…. It can never be forgotten, no matter what happens. It will never be erased from my mind.

He flinched when he saw a shadow walk by in the house. He saw the shadow move past and into the room he knew belonged to Katie. He watched as the shape sat down in front of a screen. The blue light from the computer glowed coldly through the curtain.

But what I've learned is that goodbyes will always hurt, pictures can never replace having been there and all the good and bad times we've been though can never be forgotten.

He felt a chill course through his body. He had the presumed location of the trickster and just needed to get his bus ticket. He knew Dean and Sam didn't believe that it wasn't a ghost, but he knew. He felt it. The same thing that had happened to his school was happening to other schools too. Strange and downright stupid deaths. He looked back up when the shadow moved to the window and pulled back the curtain. He slowly pulled back under the shadows of the maple trees along the side of the road. There he watched from the cover of the shade, as Kate looked out into the day with sad eyes. He saw her lift up a cell phone, press a digit and put it to her ear. He felt his own phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out already knowing who was trying to reach him. Not his mother. She was still a work. Not Keo.

The display flashed with a name. Katie. Ben sighed and used every ounce of control not to answer the call. He looked back up when the quivering stopped. Kate was staring at the phone with a frown. Her blue eyes shining with questions, as she thought of possible reasons for him not to answer her call. He guessed she would never imagine it was because he was staring at her from the shelter of darkened trees right outside her own house.

Words can never replace my feelings for you. I'm so sorry for everything I've ever put you through. I truly, truly am, but I know there's no way to erase all of it.

I know this weekend was terrible and it was my fault that I put you and Keola through that crap with the trickster. I know you could've gotten seriously hurt, but I just didn't realize that. You know, if you heard me saying any of this, you would probably think I was a sissy. Or crazy. Don't know which is worse….

He placed the phone back in his pocket and readjusted his back pack. He realized he would never talk to her again. That he would never return unless he was somehow forced.

I feel it pulling at me to get out. To hunt.

But at the same time he felt her pulling at him to stay. To remain and make it work. For a second he honestly reconsidered. Why should he sacrifice his life to kill things that other never even knew about? Why should he give up everything he wanted? The answer came too fast and too confident. Because no one else would.

I know now that I'm a hunter. I'll never live a normal apple pie life without hurting the ones I love, especially you.

He watched her settle down in her window sill and watched the drifting clouds. He smiled as she stared softly into the flowing shapes. A small smile spread on her face too as if she felt him smiling at her. If he left she would have a chance at the life Ben had never felt like a part of. She could be safe. He looked at his wrist watch and frowned. If he wanted to catch the bus he would have to hurry.

Damnit! why is this so hard! Why the hell does it take a second to say hello to someone, but forever to say goodbye?

He looked back up at her one last time. Memorizing her face.

I guess it's just, having to find the right words to say. I will always love you Kate now and forever, and I want you to have the happiest life you can possibly have. I have nothing to offer you. And I've realized, the hardest part of loving someone, is having to say goodbye.

"Goodbye, Kate." He whispered softly.

I love you.

"Be safe…." He turned and snuck away from the house as he felt his phone vibrating again in his pocket.

Without you….I'm nothing.