A/N: Aw, you're all sweet. Thanks for the reviews. They make me happy.

Disclaimer: No, don't own it. Title is from the song 'Ode to Divorce' by Regina Spektor and the quote later in the story is by Horatio Nelson.

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"Hello, this is Derek Shepherd speaking."

"This is Savvy."

"Oh. How are you?"

"I was just wondering if you knew anything about Addison getting a new phone."

"No. You got her Seattle number?"

"Yeah. It's out of order though."

Derek sighed. "I don't know. Maybe it's just not charged."

"Derek, what the hell happened between you two?"

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that I called her two days ago to wish her a happy anniversary and I got nothing. No answer, just voicemail. Then, later that night, an out-of-order message. So what the hell happened?"

"Savvy…Addison should tell you. She's your best friend."

"I'm going to keep calling you until you figure out her phone number or tell me what you did."

"What makes you think I did anything?"

"Because you're still in Seattle. Had Addison done something, you'd be in Europe by now."

It was true. Derek paused. "We divorced. Addison and I."

Savvy cursed. "Why?"

"Because nothing worked out."

"And?"

"No 'and', Savvy. Just divorce. It wasn't working out and wasn't going to."

"It was working out; Addison was convinced you two were going to be okay."

"Things cropped up."

"That intern."

"She has a name."

"She doesn't deserve to be called it."

"I have to go."

"You're an ass, Derek Shepherd."

"Glad to hear it."

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Day five. Five days. It was Addison's fifth day as a divorcee. She was still wearing her wedding rings, and still hating to believe it was true. However, she had stopped crying at work and was able to smile a little bit. And in roughly 35 days, she could leave. Seattle could be history.

Savvy had finally gotten a hold of her yesterday. Addison had been able to downplay all of her emotions and begged Savvy not to come out to Seattle. Addison could do this. This would not make her weak. Savvy agreed not to come but insisted Addison come visit the second she got back home.

The elevator clicked open and Derek stepped in, holding a box. He thrust it at Addison and she looked down at the tag. It was addressed in curly script to an 'Addison and Derek Shepherd'. The upper-left corner gave the address of Derek's mother, in New Jersey.

"You can have it. It's always the same thing anyway."

"Haven't you told your mother we're divorced yet?"

"Why would I?"

"She's your mother."

"Have you called your parents?"

"No. But you and your mother are closer than me and my parents will ever be."

"She'll figure it out eventually."

Addison held back her tears. "I'm glad to see our marriage deteriorating was so hard for you."

"Facts were left out of the original story, Addison. Things have changed."

"So the past, oh, fourteen years meant nothing to you."

"They meant a hell of a lot to me until I found you in our bed with my best friend."

"Don't I wish I could just switch off all of that. As soon as you ran off after Meredith, everything about our past just disappears."

Derek said nothing.

"We were in love Derek; we were in a breathtaking yet comfortable love. I don't know if you remember that. But it's absolutely true. I was the love of your life and your best friend. Meredith can never be that."

"Don't be a bitch."

"She can be the love of your life, but not your best friend. Or vice-versa. But never both. Never both."

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Addison pulled open the box. There was a note inside, in Nancy's handwriting. Addison flicked it open first.

Addison-

I know. Savvy told me. Don't be angry, because it's good I know. I can help. I don't know what happened or how badly Derek messed up, but please, call me. I know you don't want to, but just do.

Also, please don't think that we can't talk anymore. I know you screwed up with Mark, but I haven't forgotten the years of absence from Derek. I also haven't forgotten the phone call I got from you the day after the affair, the day after he left. Telling you we can't talk anymore because you had an affair would make me a complete bitch.

Addison, I know you still love Derek, and I know that no matter how hard you pretend you don't you still do. I really am sorry. I really do want to be there for you, and it's taking all of my will not to fly out right now and help.

Love,

Nancy

Addison shoved the letter back in the envelope. It was nice to know Nancy cared. Would she still care if she heard about the two months after? If she heard about the abortion? About everything? Nancy could say that Derek was a jerk and she hated him, but Derek was her brother, and blood was thicker than water, even if Addison had been Nancy's sister-in-law for twelve years.

Underneath the letter was a quickly written note from Mrs. Shepherd.

Addison and Derek-

"Desperate affairs require desperate remedies."

I know you have both been through more than you should, and things haven't been easy. But as the quote says, desperate remedies are required. For desperate affairs. Both of the affairs you two played a role in were desperate affairs. Addison moving from New York was a desperate remedy to a desperate situation.

But now, things are going better for you both, and here it is, your 12th anniversary. I love you both so much and I know that you both love each another amid the muck.

Addison closed her eyes and pulled out a trivet amid the bubble-wrap. Another trivet. It was pretty, hand painted in Poland as the tag read, but it was so simple, so normal, that it wasn't right. She had gotten a trivet from Mrs. Shepherd every year, every year since their engagement.

It just wasn't right. Addison picked it up and set it back down, and then picked it up again. Mrs. Shepherd's letter was worse. God, if only they were okay. If only the desperate measures and the desperate affairs had somehow brought them back to each other.

They had only pulled them further apart though.

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"Asshole."

"Excuse me?" Derek spun around in the empty hall of the hospital. His sister, Kathleen, stood there with her hand on her hip.

She didn't smile. She didn't look happy to see him. She looked angry. Just angry.

"Kathleen."

"Derek."

"How, uh, are, why are you, erm…"

"I have a consult. Apparently someone's gone absolutely crazy in Seattle."

"I see. You're not out here to see…"

"Addison? No. And it'd be in your damn best interests not to mention this visit to Addison. She didn't want anyone out here."

"Because she and I so commonly talk."

"Stop being an ass."

"Me? What about Addison? She stayed with Mark, for two months. Two months, Kathleen, and then when she found him with another woman she ran out here to see if I'd take her."

Kathleen had obviously not heard this information and the anger on her face left. However, it was quickly replaced. "Derek, what the hell was she supposed to do? Wait for you? You left the state; you left everything and told no one."

"Two months. Two months with Mark."

"How long were you with Meredith?"

"Kathleen, I was getting past the fact that my wife had an affair."

"You just don't get it. You didn't hear about her call to Nancy. She was crying, she was a wreck. Mark, I'm sure, came over to try and help the mess you left. I'm not justifying her affair, but Derek, what did you want her to do?"

Come find me. He thought it but didn't say anything. Of course, when Addison did find him he couldn't have been more angry and annoyed, but he had thought Addison would find him within a month, at the most. She didn't. She was with Mark.

"Derek?"

"I don't know. I just…I just thought she and Mark were a one-time deal."

"You threw her out of the house, Derek. You threw her into the rain."

"What if you came home and found Peter with another woman; no, make that your best friend; and you saw them having sex, in your bed? What would you do then?"

"I don't…I don't know."

"Would you forgive him?"

Kathleen said nothing.

"Would you take him back?"

"Derek, I haven't been absent. God damn it, I go home. I have kids. I go to their games. Peter and I talk. We have sex more than once a month. I am not you. I'm not at work all the time. I love Peter."

"So because I was absent Addison having an affair was okay?"

"No. But it changes things."

"Yeah, so does her sleeping with Mark. As well as finding out she stayed with Mark."

"We haven't even gotten to the heart of the matter though. Why did you divorce? Did you find out she stayed with Mark?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"She told me."

"When?"

"The night before we got divorced."

"Why'd she tell you?"

"I don't know."

"No reason."

"None."

Kathleen glared at Derek. "Bullshit."

"What?"

"She wouldn't just tell you. Addison is the picture of planning and consideration. She wouldn't bring that up then. Not unless there was something else she was trying to prove."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"That slutty intern."

Derek winced. Kathleen smiled.

"That's it. I got you. What happened?"

"I slept with Meredith at the hospital prom." Derek sounded almost…proud of himself.

Kathleen dropped her phone. It clattered and bounced around. She didn't seem to notice. "You…you…you what?"

"I slept with Meredith at prom."

"You bastard. You poor excuse for a human. That's just…that's…I just. My God. She was right there when you slept with that intern. Right there. You asked Addison to prom too. She was so damn excited. But then, apparently, Meredith stole your poor excuse for a heart."

"And Addison knew." Derek was still amazed Addison knew right after it happened.

"Well of course she did. You're not discreet. Neither was she, by the way."

"How so?"

"She slept with Mark in your house in your room on a night when she knew you'd be home. She wasn't going to hide this from you, Derek. She wanted you to find her."

She wanted you to find her. That wasn't right. Addison wouldn't have…she couldn't have…why would…Addison wanted him to know. She wanted to throw something in his face. She wanted to prove to Derek she was still there. And that she had fallen in love with another man. That he had lost her.

"I'm right, Derek. You're just an ass. She just wanted you, Derek; she's always just wanted you. She may have fallen in love with Mark, but she's always wanted you. She's always loved you."

"It doesn't matter anymore." Derek's voice was flat and cold. And then he repeated it, because it felt so much better. "It doesn't matter."

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Meredith came behind Derek and dangled her fingers on his shoulder. He turned around, annoyed.

"What, Meredith?"

Meredith stopped short. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

"Derek."

Derek shrugged. "My sister was just here. Guilt-tripping me into everything."

"Like me?"

"No. Not you, specifically. Well, a little."

Meredith cast her eyes downward. "I'm sorry."

Derek stopped, and engulfed Meredith in his arms. "God, no, don't be. It wasn't your fault."

"I could've stopped."

"I wouldn't have."

Meredith paused. She was afraid of the question that would next pass her lips, but she had to ask. "Derek, if you hadn't found out about Addison staying with Mark, would you still be here with me, right now?"

Derek's first response was 'Yes, of course I would be.' But then, before he could form the words, he stopped. He might be. But probably not. He wouldn't rush to Meredith this quickly. He'd feel horrible about Addison. He might be in the process of divorce, but there wouldn't have been the several thousand dollar rush he put on his and Addison's just days ago. He wouldn't be staying with Meredith every night. "I'd be getting to you. Things would be different, though. So maybe it's better I knew."

"If she hadn't told you, would you still love her?"

Yes. Of course he would. Not as much as he loved Meredith, but he'd still love her. He'd still care. "Meredith, that's not important."

"Derek, answer the question."

"Yes, Meredith, I would."

"Do you still love her now? Even just a little?"

"No."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

Meredith knew he wasn't.

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Miranda Bailey sat down next to Addison, who was reading a book.

"Who has time to read anymore?"

Addison looked up. "Hey, Miranda. And I have time at lunch."

"What are you reading?"

"Pride and Prejudice."

"I take it you've read it before?"

"Quite a few times. I haven't read it in twelve years though."

"Why?"

"On my wedding day I thought I'd found my 'Mr. Darcy', as it were, so I sealed the book away in a box and vowed not to ever read it again."

"Why?"

"Because I thought I wouldn't need to dream of the perfect man again." Addison took a deep breath. "But now it seems I need to."

Miranda nodded slowly. "Okay."

"It's weird and sentimental, I know."

"Yeah, well, not like I'd say anything about it. Especially not to you."

"I'm not six, Miranda, I can handle things."

"Like your divorce. You've handled that so well." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Well, you know."

Miranda smiled. "Although, I will give you credit, you're doing a hell of a better job then most people."

"You think?"

"Yeah. But I have to wonder how you ever married that pompous, self-absorbed ass."

"He wasn't always like this. I mean, he always had the god-like complex, because he's a doctor, but he wasn't always such a jerk."

"I'll take your word for it. All I've seen is a jerk. Even before we all knew about you. But I've never been one for my interns' relationships."

"Really, Miranda? I never would've guessed."

"Yeah. You're hilarious."

Addison dipped her fork into the salad and folded the corner of her page, shutting the book. She put it into her purse and focused intently on the red of the tomato in the carton.

Miranda looked at her. "How are you, really?"

Addison laughed. "I'm sick of people asking me that." Her tone changed. "I'm okay. I'm surviving. It's really not fun. I can't look at Meredith without wanting to take the sharpest object I can find and shoving it in her eye. I can't look at Derek without feeling a million different conflicting emotions. Ranging from pure hatred to absolute love. And to top it all off, all of Derek's family knows except his mother, and I don't want her to find out too late. And I don't want to be the one who tells her."

"He hasn't told his own mother?"

"No. I haven't told my parents, but that's just because we were never that close. But Derek and his mom…and his sisters…God, they're like a perfect family."

"Derek's dad?"

"Died when Derek was four."

"That's sad."

"It is." Addison stood up. "Listen, I've got to go. But thanks, Miranda."

"No problem."

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Anyone at Mount Sinai that morning could tell Dr. Mark Sloan was in a bad mood. Even his patients who had no life-threatening surgery asked to wait a day. He was furious.

And of course it dealt with Addison and Derek. Nancy had run into him last night at a coffee shop and broken the news to him. He'd had half a mind to fly out to Seattle right then, but Nancy had warned against that. Instead, he'd been stewing. He'd been angry and upset.

He knew he should be angry at himself, but he couldn't be. He knew the affair was wrong, but then why hadn't it felt wrong? It had. But not as wrong as was to be expected. He hadn't broken their marriage. He had, but not…not as much.

Meredith was Derek's choice, not his. Meredith was Derek's mistake. Meredith was not Mark's mistake. Meredith was Derek's mistake. Derek's screw-up. Not Mark's.

He and Addison had screwed up too. But Mark had known it was purposeful. The actual event. Not Addison falling in love with him, which she had later confessed she did, but the night they finally brought all the feelings out was. It was the night Addison knew Derek was coming home. She wanted him to find out. Mark knew that, but that changed nothing about his feelings. Addison loved Mark as well. She was married and it shouldn't exist. But the love had. Not as strong as the love for Derek, but love nonetheless.

But now they were actually divorced. And from what Mark had gathered in bits and pieces, it had something to do with Meredith and Derek at prom (sex was assumed but not yet explicitly stated) and a divorce on Addison and Derek's anniversary. Addison was the very unhappy but didn't want anyone flying out, and Derek was being an ass.

Addison didn't deserve this. She deserved someone who'd treat her better. Mark knew he was thinking of himself. He could. He would. He had picked up the pieces after Derek had left, he could do it again. He could be there. He had screwed up, sleeping with Mary while still 'with' Addison, but that wouldn't happen again. He could be the one for Addison.

He could also kill Derek. Sleeping with an intern. It didn't matter that she was pretty. Addison was beautiful. Mark Sloan would settle down with Addison, that was saying a million things. Why wouldn't Derek? Meredith was young and immature and she was still so naïve, no matter how many men she had slept with. Sex didn't make you lose your immaturity or naivety. What the hell did Derek see in her? Ease, and no commitment necessary? He could've found that in a hooker.

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"Requesting to speak to Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, please." The voice on the phone was small and feminine, the perfect secretarial voice.

Addison sighed. "This is she." It was her father. This was the customary greeting she got. The divorce must not have reached their offices yet. She wasn't Shepherd anymore.

"We're putting you through to Mr. William Montgomery. Please hold."

"Okay."

In a few moments, Addison's father's voice came over the line. "Addison."

"Dad."

"How are you?"

"Fine. And yourself?"

"Just perfect. Can we cut to the chase?"

"Fine."

"Why did you and Derek get divorced after moving to Seattle?"

"How do you know about this?"

"Addison, I'm a lawyer. A very prominent lawyer. They saw Addison Montgomery, even way out in a small firm in Seattle, and called me. You're quite well-known yourself, Addison. You can't exactly just disappear."

"Oh. Well. We got divorced for many reasons."

"Could you be any vaguer?"

"Lots of things."

"Fine, we'll start with a simpler question. Why'd you move to Seattle?"

God, like this was any easier. "Derek got a job offer he couldn't refuse."

"And you followed him out there, the submissive wife?"

"Yes. But there was a prominent position for me as well. I'm head of neo-natal and the OB/GYN department at one of the top hospitals on the west coast."

"I'm sure. This doesn't explain your divorce."

"There were things…that got in the way. We just fell apart."

"Really? So you whole-heartedly agreed with this divorce?"

"No, but is there ever whole-hearted agreement?"

"Addie." Her father rarely called her that anymore. It made Addison unbelievably sad and inexplicably happy at the same time. "Addie, what happened?"

"That's…that's the story."

"Addie."

"In New York…he hadn't been there for years. Absent. I slept with Mark." Addison's father said nothing. She knew he was probably up and pacing now, though. "And then Derek found out and ran to Seattle and started dating an intern and I came back out and he said we'd try to work things out but he wasn't trying that hard, always wanting the intern, and finally last week he caved and slept with her and I knew and we divorced. It's my fault, really."

"No. Addison. It's not all your fault. Please don't say it is. It's not. A marriage is two people. Two people have to break it."

"But I slept with Mark."

"Was that right? No. But his actions have not been right either, Addison. I know Derek hadn't exactly been there."

"God, why does everyone keep saying that? Like that's an excuse. Like that makes everything better."

"Addison, it changes things."

"So does my affair."

Mr. Montgomery sighed. He didn't really want to delve into his daughter's sex life. Her marriage, any of it. "Addison, it does. Don't you dare take all of the blame for your divorce. And that's all I'm going to say on it."

"You'll tell Mom?"

"Yeah."

"Please don't let her call me. I don't want to hear the list of suitors just lining up to come marry me. Or how right the affair was, how Derek was just a low-life. Or anything really."

"Addison, she just tries her hardest."

"Sometimes her hardest is too much."

Mr. Montgomery cleared his throat. "She won't call you."

"Good."

"Then, Addison, I give my sincerest apologies and I have to go."

"Wait. I have a question for you."

"Okay."

"Can I…I mean, would I be able to…" Addison paused. This was big, a lot to ask, and terrifying for her at the same time. "Dad, could I send you my wedding and engagement rings? I just don't…can't…have them anymore."

He felt his heart sink and tiny tears fell out of his eyes. He didn't want to say yes but he knew he had to. "Yes. Just send them to my office. I'll put them away as long as necessary."

Addison paused and caught her breath. She was crying too. "Thanks."

"I love you. Don't forget that I'm always in your life."

"I won't. I love you too."

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Addison opened the padded box and looked at her hand. She had given a lot of thought as to what she would do with her wedding rings. She knew she couldn't keep them, that was for sure. She had debated throwing them away, out into the depths of the water, but that had seemed too harsh. One day she might want to look at them again.

She had thought about sending them to Savvy, but they wouldn't mean as much to Savvy as Addison wanted them to. It wasn't Savvy's fault, they weren't her wedding rings. She had even briefly pondered sending them to a random address somewhere in the world, but she didn't want them to that much up to chance, fate, whatever.

And then her father had called, and it seemed to click. Addison got along well with her father; he had just never been there when she was younger. They were on much better terms than Addison was with her mother. He had called and been so sympathetic and forgiving that Addison knew it was…the right choice. That he would keep them for as long as necessary, for forever. He was her father, after all.

She slid the engagement ring off first; trying hard not to remember the night Derek had proposed and forgotten the ring and they had made love that night knowing it was perfect. They would be married. Together for the naïve idea of forever.

Then came her wedding ring. She got it off quickly and snapped the box shut, trying not to cry. Her fingers felt so bare. It didn't feel right but she sealed the envelope up quickly and dumped it in her purse before she could change her mind.

To the post office, scribbling out an address she knew mostly by heart. To the mailbox, where she should just let it drop. She looked at it before she was nudged in the back and it dropped, where it fell.

Letting go in small bits and pieces. Letting go in small doses. Maybe that's what it would take.

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A/N: I always pictured Addison's mother being quite impossible but Addison getting along with her father. Love me or hate me for it.