A/N: I hope everyone had a good Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa/Holiday season. Mine was lovely.


Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the title of this chapter, which is a song by Meiko called 'Reasons to Love You'.

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"Addison?"

Mark found her at the end of the hallway. She was hunched over the side of a gurney, breathing deeply.

"Addison, what's wrong?"

She said nothing. She straightened up, her face flushed and red and she looked so scared.

"Addison, please say something."

"A stillborn baby."

Those got to Addison the most, Mark knew. Not because she had had one, but because she saw the pain in the parents who had just wanted one baby and had lost it all.

"A stillborn baby and Derek asked me to go to his mother's for Thanksgiving."

"Well, I understand the first, but what's wrong with the second?"

"He didn't know about the baby that almost was."

"You mean ours?"

"Yes. And he doesn't know and I can't tell him because he'll leave again but I can't not tell him because then this happens. Oh God. I can't do it."

"Addison…"

She looked up at Mark. "Just leave. It's not your problem."

"Addison, you can't do this alone."

"But what am I supposed to say."

"Tell him the truth."

"I can't do that."

"You have to."

"Mark, what if he leaves and never comes back?"

"Then, Addie, he's not worth it."

"But that might be hurting him too much. It might be my fault."

"No. You both screwed up. Just tell him."

"I can't."

"Addison…"

"No, I can't." She stood up and walked away. "And you aren't going to either."

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"And you're sure they'll still like me?"

"Addie, they love you. My mother is so happy, Kathleen is beside herself. It will be wonderful. I promise, I'm the one they hated."

"I haven't been here in three years."

"Two."

"Three. We didn't go the year before Seattle. We were too busy."

"Oh."

"I mean, we saw your mother when she came into the city a few times, but it's been a long time since I've been out here. And I don't think we were talking the last time we came out here. So we've at least made one small improvement."

"That's right. I was mad at you for not starting the dishwasher or making the bed or something."

"Something. And I was mad at you for leaving your clothes on the floor; I remember that clearly because I broke a heel on your belt buckle."

"Cheap heels."

Addison laughed. "They were. I found them for twenty dollars online. I should've checked the seller more carefully. But really, that was just the tip of a whole iceberg."

"I know. Trust me, I know."

They rode in silence for a while. Derek was a careful driver, much more careful than Addison, and it took them an extra half hour to get there than normal.

"Derek…"

"Yes?"

"I have to tell you something."

Derek's heart dropped. She was seeing someone else; she didn't love him; she wasn't going to commit.

Addison's heart was racing. "When you left…"

Derek was gripping the steering wheel tightly.

Addison backed out. "I maxed out one of your credit cards."

Derek laughed. "Oh, Addie. I thought it was going to be something much worse."

It was supposed to be, Addison thought. "Well, I was angry. And so you can't ever expect to get a credit card with that company again."

"It's okay. I promise, Addie."

Derek pulled into the driveway of his mother's home, a quaint place in New Jersey. Emily Shepherd had raised her family in New York City, but after her husband had died and Derek had gone off to Columbia, she had decided to move out to New Jersey.

"I'm scared, Derek."

"You have nothing to be scared of."

They rang the doorbell. A dog barked, and there was the scrambling of feet. A small face peered out the window and screeched. The door flung open by an eight year-old.

"Aunt Addie! You're here. I haven't seen you in forever. I've missed you so much."

Addison bent down to the level of Emma and smiled. "I haven't seen you in forever. You're eight now. The last time I saw you you were just six."

"I know. Why did you stop coming?"

Addison knew better than to explain the concept of an affair or divorce to Emma. "We were out way across the country; it was hard to come back."

"Okay. Well. I'm glad you're back now."

Emma was the youngest of Meg's children, her youngest niece or nephew. Some were teenagers now, but most were off in the real world.

Addison and Derek stepped inside, and Nancy came up and engulfed Addison in a hug. "Oh my God. I can't believe you're here. I've missed you so much. I'm so glad…that…I'm just so happy you and Derek are where you are."

Renee and Meg found Addison next. They hugged her, told her how much they had missed seeing her, and hoped that everything would work out. Kathleen did much of the same. All of their respective husbands gave her a nod of approval.

"Addison, darling." Mrs. Shepherd walked into the kitchen, wiping her hands on an apron. "It's so, so good to see you in this house again.

She smelled of flowery, old-lady perfume. She was warm and friendly and soft and gave Addison a hug that brought back so many memories.

"We'll have to catch up later."

Addison nodded and found a seat on the couch next to Derek. She leaned slightly on his shoulder, smiling and nodding as Nancy talked about Noah and Jackie and Laura. Her children were all off at college. Jackie was in her final year at Cornell, Noah was working on his masters at Madison, and Laura was a sophomore at Boston University. All of them were busy this Thanksgiving, but sent their love.

It was late that night that Mrs. Shepherd and Addison shared a cup of coffee around the kitchen table.

"So, Addison, how have you been?"

"It's been hard. I mean, it was hard, first, without Derek, and now it's hard to figure out what's actually going to surface from this, if anything."

She nodded. "I understand. But I think he's serious. I think you're serious."

"I know we both are. He just leaves every week back to Seattle, and for all I know he could be sleeping with Meredith on the side."

"He's not."

Addison stirred the sugar around, watching it dissolve. "I know that. It's just, I don't believe it sometimes. And also, while he talks to Mark and has forgiven Mark, I'm not sure he has."

"What do you mean?"

Addison paused. She didn't have to say the next thing that was going to fly out of her mouth. She didn't have to. "I was pregnant, after Derek left. Mark's baby…and I…I had an abortion because it was the only thing I thought I could do and I felt so trapped and lost and I haven't told Derek and I can't now because I'm so scared he'll run."

"Oh, Addison."

"I made a bigger mistake than he thought. Than he thinks. And I just love where we're at right now, and I don't want to lose that."

Mrs. Shepherd covered Addison's hand with hers. "He won't run."

"You don't know that."

"You're right, I don't know for sure. But I know that Derek would forgive. Maybe not instantly, but Addison, you should've seen the way he talked about you before you said yes. You should've seen him the way he talked about you after he took you to the hospital a few weeks ago. He loves you. He's not going to leave you because of mistakes made. He'd understand."

"I don't even understand, how can I expect him to?"

"He will."

"He might not."

"Addison, he wouldn't have worked this hard just to-"

"He wouldn't have worked this hard if he knew."

"If he knew what?" A voice startled Addison and Mrs. Shepherd. It was Kathleen. She sat down next to Addison and picked up a cookie.

"Nothing."

"Please. It's something. I promise I won't tell."

"It's up to Addison."

Addison sighed. She was telling Mrs. Shepherd, she may as well tell Kathleen. "I had an abortion. It was Mark's. I haven't told Derek."

Kathleen sighed. "Oh, sweetie. You have to tell him. The longer you wait, the more it's going to hurt him."

"I know. I know. But I can't. I can't tell him and ruin everything."

"You have to."

"I'm too scared. I mean, he's letting me take the reigns on everything. And we haven't even kissed yet, because I'm too afraid of letting him get close until he knows about this."

"It's only been three weeks, Addison."

"But what happens when it turns into three months?"

"Don't let that happen."

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Addison went upstairs. She was sleeping in a room with Kathleen's twenty year-old, Martha, and Meg's twenty-two year-old, Annie. They were already asleep, and Addison tried being quiet. She slipped into the bed, rolling the thoughts over and over in her head. She had to tell him. But how, when, why would it come up? She couldn't just blurt it out. She couldn't just ruin everything. If she did it here, at least she'd have the support base she needed. But she didn't want to do that. Because Addison was a strong, independent woman, and she could handle this, and Derek needed to hear it just from her. No protection.

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Addison and Derek buttoned up their coats and took a walk through the suburban neighborhood. They were full, the turkey and conversation had stuffed them to the brim. Addison had grabbed Derek's hand, and he was gripping it tightly, trying to feel her skin though the gloves.

"Thanks for inviting me."

Derek looked at Addison. "Thanks for coming."

Addison nodded. The abortion was weighing down on her. She just needed to spit it out. That's all she had to do. Then she'd be fine. Then she'd be okay.

"Derek, I-" Addison was interrupted by her phone. She looked down. "Damn it."

"What?"

"I have to get to the hospital. I…my patient. She had her baby but now she's internally bleeding. She was fine yesterday when I left her. She was fine; her baby had been born and was fine. I have to get back to New York."

"I'll drive you."

"I'll take a cab or something. You should stay with your family."

"Exactly why I'm going with you."

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"Addison. You're here. Go find Missy. She's in room 235 now. She can take you to your patient…" Kirsten glanced down at her clipboard.

"Monica White."

"That's it."

"Did you contact her fiancé?"

"He hasn't left her side."

"Okay. Good. Good. I'll go find her."

"She hasn't gotten better, Addison."

"She's going to have to."

Addison rushed upstairs and found Missy tending to Monica.

"Dr. Montgomery. Good. We've looked at the bleeding but can't figure out a cause. It's not from the birth. We don't know what to do…"

Missy was a nurse, a good nurse, but this was a terrifying situation for anyone.

"Doctor, I know you're busy, but please, save Monica. She's going to be my wife soon. We have a son. Just…I don't know. It'll be hard if she's not here." Her fiancé was frantic, disheveled and scared.

Addison smiled weakly. "I'm going to do everything I can."

"That's all I can ask."

Two hours. Two hours of looking at charts and graphs and numbers before Monica stopped bleeding. Just as mysteriously as she started, she stopped. A Thanksgiving miracle. Her fiancé, Ben, hugged Addison and kissed her on the cheek and was in tears. Monica was okay. Monica would be okay. Addison found Derek outside, waiting.

"Hey, I hear it stopped."

She fell into his embrace. "Yeah. Thank God. I couldn't have faced her fiancé if she had died." Addison looked up at Derek. "So are we going back to your mother's?"

"No."

"Where are we going?"

"Your parents' house."

"No." Addison backed away from Derek, shaking her finger. "No. No. You of all people know what their Thanksgiving is. I can't go there."

"I'll help you."

"But Derek…"

"It's either now or Christmas Eve."

"Fine. Fine. Let's go."

Derek smiled. Addison checked up on a few more patients and found Derek waiting in the car. It was only four in the afternoon because Mrs. Shepherd always had Thanksgiving dinner early. Whereas, when Addison and Derek arrived in Hartford around seven, the Montgomery's dinner had just finished.

"Oh my God! Addison. Derek. Come in, come in. How are you?" Leslie Montgomery was talking fast and waving her hands. "I didn't expect you, but come in. We'll get some extra places. Liza!" She snapped her fingers and a brunette appeared.

"Yes ma'am?"

"Two more seats at the table."

"Yes ma'am."

"Let me take your coats." Leslie took the coat off Addison and practically ripped it out of her hands. She took Derek's coat that he handed to her and bustled off.

"See how happy she is?" Derek smiled.

"Well yes. Really happy. She loves you."

"She loves you, Addie. She wants to see you happy."

"She's also tipsy."

Derek laughed. "At least she's not drunk."

"Thank God."

Derek placed his hand in the small of Addison's back and guided her into her chair in the next room. William Montgomery smiled through the bottom of his glass at Addison and Derek. The rest of the guests greeted Addison, remarking on how well and happy she looked.

"So where have you two been today?" Leslie sat back down, straightening her napkin.

"We were at my mothers this morning," Derek said, "and then Addison had an emergency at the hospital. After that, we came here."

"Lovely. Are you hungry?"

"I am," Addison said. "But if I could just have a turkey sandwich, that'll suffice."

"And Derek?"

"Just some water, please. While Addison was busy working I managed to raid the snack machines."

"Okay. Liza's going to get what you need."

"Thanks."

The next four hours were full of laughter and watching just how long it took before Leslie Montgomery got drunk. Derek had bet three hours and Addison two, and when Leslie had finally started swaying at 9:30 they declared a tie.

"Come back and visit."

Addison nodded at her father. "I will."

"I mean both of you. Together."

Derek nodded. "I'll come too."

"Good."

"Goodbye, dad."

"Bye, Addie. And Derek, have a great Christmas if I don't see you."

"Thanks. You too."

Addison gave her dad a hug and her mom a pat on the back, and grabbed Derek's hand as they walked outside.

"Longest. Day. Ever."

"Oh, come on Addie, it wasn't that bad."

"I beg to differ."

"Alright, so it was long. But good. We ate a lot, and saw both families."

"I guess."

Derek started the car. "It was good."

"It was good. Just long."

"I can settle for that."

Addison was quiet for a few minutes as she listened to her messages. She pulled the phone back from her mouth and whispered over to Derek. "How long are you staying?"

"I have to be back at work on Saturday."

"Do you want to go get coffee with Savvy and Weiss before I have to work tomorrow?"

"Sounds great."

"Okay. I'll get a hold of her now, if you don't mind."

"I don't."

Addison was on the phone with Savvy for a few minutes before hanging up. "She's excited to see you. So is Weiss."

Derek shifted in his seat. "Are you sure?"

"Derek, listen. They hated you when I hated you, and now they love you because…well, because I don't hate you anymore."

"So you guys are in an alliance?"

Addison laughed. "Something like that."

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They were close. All she had to do was go a few more inches and their mouths would touch. She closed her eyes, almost giving into those feelings but then her eyes snapped open.

"I can't, Derek," she said shakily. "Not yet."

"It's okay, Addison. Believe it or not, the physical isn't the most important thing to me."

"You sure?"

"Positive." He hugged her and brushed his lips against her cheek, leaving at that.

Addison sighed and watched him go to the elevator and leave. He'd be back in the morning. There was just a part of her that wished she would wake up with him. She knew that, however much she wanted that, Derek had to have heard about the abortion. Otherwise everything would still be a lie.

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A/N: Yeah, so Addison still has a secret…which still hasn't been revealed to dear old Derek. But it will be, I promise.