Thanks for all of the reviews, folks! I do love seeing them waiting for me in my mailbox after a long day.
Just an FYI: Vulcans do grow body hair. I looked it up on Memory Alpha (a Star Trek Wiki that is amazing) AND did the tough work of watching TOS: Patterns of Force (the only time Leonard Nimoy was filmed without a shirt as Spock) and looking at shirtless pictures of Zac Quinto for hours on end. I really do put myself through the wringer for my readers.
And thanks to Kristen Elizabeth to pointing out that the Ferengi were unknown to the Federation in the time of TOS. I am usually the Queen of Research (see above), but I chalk that error up to writing four stories in a relatively short period of time, the resultant severe sleep deprivation and the fact that I was really looking into the whole Vulcan chest hair matter.
As the Ferengi stuff was featured in How To…, I won't go back and change it now; so let's just say in this AU, where a character from another fandom has written self-help books that are still being sold in the 23rd Century, Gaila is a computer genius who enjoys writing dirty songs in her spare time, and Nyota and Spock are a couple, that the First Contact with the Ferengi occurred 150 years earlier than it did in Original Canon.
Whew. Now I can sleep. I HATE making mistakes like that!
Disclaimers and Warnings in Part One.
~Part Two of Six: 1718 Hours, Sunday
I showered quickly, combed out my hair and put it into its normal ponytail. In the bedroom, I put on underwear and donned the fluffy bathrobe helpfully supplied by the hotel.
Time to deal with Gaila.
"Computer, messages."
"There are twenty-seven messages from Starfleet Academy: Gaila, Cadet."
Persistent sex-fiend.
I waited. The computer appeared to be done reporting. Spock was right. No one else seemed to want to speak to me.
God, he's smart.
And gorgeous.
And really talented.
And…focus, Nyota.
"Erase messages and call Cadet Gaila, Starfleet Academy."
After thirty seconds of peace, the screen erupted into a very familiar face.
"Finally, Nyota Uhura. Where have you been? I've be…" she stopped talking and pushed her face closer to the monitor in our room. Her eyes narrowed a moment, then opened wider than I'd ever seen them.
"Yes!" she shouted. "I've written a song for this occasion."
"No, Gaila," I said.
She ignored me and said, "Spock's Green Penis, by Gaila of Orion and Starfleet Academy." She started to sing,
Oh say did you see
Spock's green penis my Ny?
Was it thick and was it long
Was it the most amazing schlong?
"I'm turning you off right now if you don't stop," I ordered, biting my lip to keep from laughing.
She sighed. "You never appreciate my songs."
"I do appreciate your songs; I just don't need to hear them."
She settled on her bed. "I'm very happy that I got to at least sing the first verse; there are six others, by the way. I'm also very happy that I don't have to sing the other song I wrote."
"I'm not asking…"
"Vulcans Are Stupid and You Don't Need One. I rhymed castration with masturbation. It may be the second best song I've ever written. The first, of course, is Spock's Green Penis, which you didn't let me finish singing for you despite the fact that you just saw Spock's green penis and could tell me if my description of it is accurate."
I sunk to the bed and let her continue to talk. She'd run out of breath eventually.
"Anyway, I'm happy that I don't need to sing Vulcans Are Stupid and You Don't Need One. So…," she clasped her hands around her knees. "How was the dear Commander?"
I blinked. Sometimes her thought processes were as swift as Spock's; they were just much less logical and much more focused on sex. "We are not having this conversation," I said.
"Yes, we are. I didn't have sex with Mike because I was waiting for you to call me back…."
"Mike, Boris' friend? You met him three days ago; you haven't slept with him yet?"
"Silly Nyota, I didn't say that. Anyway, tell me all about Commander Spock. Was he good? How'd you handle the green penis thing? What does his body look like? Does his hair move?"
I took a deep breath, "Very, fine, amazing and yes. Now I've answered your questions. I need to get ready. We're meeting the rest of the Idiot Squad for dinner in," I craned my head to look at a clock, "thirty minutes."
She furrowed her brow, "This is all I get – four one word answers. No details? No minute-by-minute replays of the events of the last…how many hours was it?"
"Several," I said through clenched teeth.
She nodded appraisingly, "I'm very proud. Of both of you. I told you you were both completely horny."
"Gaila, we were not horny, we were…committed to exploration and discovery."
She snorted, "Is that what you kids are calling it these days?"
"I now have twenty-five minutes to get ready."
"So, talk to me while you do. What're you doing with your hair?"
"Uh," I stammered, motioning to my head.
She wrinkled her nose. "What are you wearing?"
I picked up my uniform and showed it to her.
"What's that?" she demanded.
"My uniform; you have one just like it."
"You can't wear that. Put on the other dress I packed for you."
"I think the uniform is more than fine," I said quickly.
"What did Dr. Flenderson say right in the foreword, Nyota?"
"I don't know, I didn't…."
"I'll tell you." She grabbed up her PADD and read, "'Remember that the steps build on each other. You can't abandon the lessons you've learned as you move along; carry them with you!'" She looked up at me.
"I can't believe you bought that book."
"Bought, pwah! I know my way around a computer, Nyota. I just copied it from your PADD."
"My encrypted PADD."
"Encrypted my green ass. Anyway, please focus. Dr. Flenderson tells you not to abandon the lessons. She also says," she tipped her head so she could continue to read from the PADD,. "'You find that man, make him yours and hang onto him with all your might!' You need to hang onto him, Nyota. You're wearing the other dress I packed for you."
"I don't need to dress like that anymore."
"Hmmm," she said speculatively. "What're your post-dinner plans?"
"What do you mean?" I demanded.
"You and the Commander. You guys are going to be playing hide the green salami more after dinner, right?"
"Please don't call it that and we didn't exactly settle on a plan."
"Nyota! Have Dr. Flenderson and I taught you nothing? Getting him is only half the battle. You need to hang onto him because, for some reason, you want to do that. Personally, I'd just get my fill of him and move on – but you seem to want more."
"I do want more," I said weakly. Now I was worried.
What if I had completely misinterpreted this morning, this afternoon – everything? Were Vulcans capable of saying whatever was needed to get women into bed? Were Vulcans capable of playing hide the green salami and then moving on to the next xenolinguistic prodigy they encountered? Why am I calling it hide the green salami?
"You are a woman of complexity and mystery!" Gaila said, snapping me out of what threatened to become a panic attack. "You've got to keep that Vulcan on his toes and out of his head with desire so you can keep him out of his pants indefinitely.
"You are going to put on the dress I packed and the cosmetics like I taught you to and remind him that you are a woman worth his time and effort."
Spock's eyes, his hands over mine as he told me….
"I don't need to remind him," I said, rallying a bit. "He told me he returned my affection."
"Great, congratulations – now let him know that you're happy that he returns your affection by being the sexiest woman he's ever laid eyes on."
"Gaila, you can twist anything around."
She smiled angelically, "It's an Orion gift. At least just try the dress on."
I whimpered and pulled out the navy dress. It actually looked like a dress, not a miniscule piece of material. It had long sleeves, a high neck and a long skirt. "This is yours?"
She nodded vigorously, her red curls bouncing. I narrowed my eyes at her. She was up to something. "He really said it that way, 'I return your affection'?"
"Yes."
"Vulcans."
I slipped the dress over my head and spun to look in the mirror.
I knew it.
The dress was long-sleeved and high-necked and it almost reached my knees. It was also skin-tight and it had cut-outs – small holes at my left wrist, the inside of my left elbow, across my right clavicle, between my breasts and right above my belly button. I blinked dumbly at it. The dress was modest and provocative at the same time – it was perhaps the sexiest thing I'd ever worn.
"There's more in the back, too," Gaila cheerfully informed me, "at the base of your neck and the small of your back."
"Maybe it's not entirely fair that I unleash this dress on him in public," I said.
She laughed, "Yeah, the poor Commander is going to have a heart attack at dinner."
I spun around so I could see the back and thought about Gaila's comment.
I'd kind of like to see him fight to maintain his composure.
"Shoes?"
"Yes! I'm happy you're finally seeing reason, Nyota."
I was seeing Spock with his chin on the floor and his eyes dark with passion.
"The blue ones with all the straps," Gaila directed, pointing in the direction of my suitcase.
I rooted through the contents until I found them. They were high with lots of straps. I looked at them dubiously.
"They're more comfortable than they look, Nyota, I promise. And they are the perfect pair of shoes for that dress. I searched for months for them."
I slid my feet into them and peered into the mirror.
She was right. The shoes were incredible.
"God, his head is going to explode," she said. "Both of them."
"Poor Spock," I said, not meaning it at all. The dress and the shoes made me feel extremely vixenish.
Gaila clapped, "I'm just sorry that Dr. Flenderson is dead; this would make her so happy. Now you go knock every piece of clothing off his body. Again. And call me!"
I nodded and turned to leave.
"And Nyota?"
I turned back towards her.
"You do know you're going to tell me everything when you get back here."
"I know Gaila." She was amazingly persistent and persuasive. I'd end up telling her every little detail before she was done with me.
She smiled widely, "Good. So please remember everything – I'm going to want excruciating detail."