A/N: Here's Chapter Eight, finally! This one was very interesting to write… Trying to explain what's going on in Yuushi's head is always a challenge. XD Please enjoy the chapter! And just to let you all know, this fic will be ten chapters long, so I will be writing the final two chapters asap. (As always, though, schoolwork will be thwarting my every attempt.) Thank you so much to all my reviewers! You guys really encourage me to keep going. I appreciate any and all feedback/critiques/reviews/hugs. Flames are ignored.
Warning: Shonen-ai/slash/BL/yaoi/whatever-you-call-it.
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Chapter Eight: Delayed Reaction
"There are some times when the truth comes too late."
…
Oshitari Yuushi couldn't sleep.
Gazing up at the full moon above his head, he wondered why he was feeling so restless. He had tried to go to sleep, but he had done nothing except toss and turn for almost an hour. He had finally given up, rising from his bed and walking to the huge picture window, pulling the curtains back so that the cool moonlight flooded into the room. And he had breathed something like a sigh of relief, now that he didn't feel like the darkness was smothering him.
He couldn't help wondering what was wrong with him.
Of course, he had gone on this trip to Atobe's cottage reluctantly. He had been apprehensive of getting involved in what appeared to be yet another one of their captain's signature schemes, and as to what this particular scheme might entail, Yuushi didn't have the slightest clue. But in the end, he had gone without much in the way of protest… It was pointless to resist Atobe, as a general rule, and anyway, Yuushi didn't really know what he was resisting. So he had relented, and now here he was, staying with his fellow teammates in a house that was so huge it really had no right to be called a "cottage."
And by this point, he was genuinely regretting his decision.
He couldn't explain it, really, at least not in words. But ever since they had left on this trip, Yuushi had been feeling like something was really wrong, something that he couldn't express even to himself. And it wasn't just that vague feeling that something was wrong somewhere in all of this scheduled chaos, that something about this trip was just a little off in some strange way…
No, the something that was wrong was him.
He had tried to ignore it at first, thinking that maybe it would go away on its own. He wasn't really a moody person, but he knew that some feelings could pass without consequence, so long as he just left them alone. But this feeling was different; this feeling was…
He didn't know what this feeling was.
…
"Is something wrong, Yuushi?"
…
Yuushi frowned to himself, trying to think about something else. But somehow, he just couldn't get his mind off of it. And the truth was simple, so simple that he couldn't even try to ignore it. Yes, the truth was…
The truth was that he couldn't stop thinking about Gakuto.
And that was why he couldn't sleep.
Frowning to himself, Yuushi took a few steps closer to the window, still staring at the shining moon above him. The strange thing was, he didn't really have words to describe the kinds of feelings that had been bothering him all day long. He had never really felt them before, in any context at all. And so he didn't know what to make of the way that his heart would sink, when Gakuto made a typically careless comment, the kind that usually never even caught his attention…
…
"I don't know how you can stand those things, Yuushi."
"Eh, it was alright, I guess. We won, anyway."
"You weren't trying, were you? You never try in singles, Yuushi."
…
Why was every little thing that Gakuto said sticking in his mind lately?
It wasn't just things that the acrobat had said, either. Yuushi couldn't explain the strange feelings that would fill his entire consciousness, when he glanced over during the times when Gakuto wasn't paying attention to him. He would notice the oddest little things about his partner then, like how small Gakuto's fingers were, as they gripped the cap of a water bottle and twisted it firmly off of the plastic. Or how his partner's fingernails were practically nonexistent, because the acrobat had a nervous habit of biting them when he was doing schoolwork. And then he would start thinking about how much that was like Gakuto, and how such a childish habit was really kind of cute…
And then Gakuto would take a drink, and Yuushi would look away, afraid that his partner might notice him staring and ask him about it.
And always in that brief moment after he had looked away, but only for that moment, Yuushi would know that he was in trouble. He didn't know what he was feeling, but he knew that it was nothing but trouble… But then he would stubbornly push that knowledge out of his mind, sitting there in silence until he accidentally glanced at Gakuto again.
And he just couldn't bring himself to stop thinking like this, and when he wasn't looking at Gakuto, the whole boring world didn't even matter to him, and so he wasn't saying a word to anyone on this trip, and people were starting to notice that, and he didn't want them to notice, and Gakuto was even hurt by it, and Yuushi could tell that he was hurt and he didn't want to hurt him, but he couldn't even explain what was bothering him…
It was driving him insane.
Yuushi sighed to himself, trying not to think about it. It didn't help to think about it… He knew that much by now. It only made everything worse, and he couldn't really ignore it as it was. He couldn't risk making it even harder on himself, not when he was going to have to get it together tomorrow, together enough to get through practice without catching anyone's attention…
Practice.
Yuushi's face fell into a definite frown.
That had been one of the worst parts of that day, at least for Yuushi. He had been suspecting Atobe of having some kind of twisted scheme even before they left on the trip, but he hadn't expected to get stuck playing singles for the first practice session. And something in him had hated every minute of it, and it wasn't because the captain himself had been his opponent. No, Yuushi couldn't have cared less about his own match, and his score of 0-6 had clearly reflected that…
What Yuushi had hated was watching Gakuto in the nearby court.
His partner had been playing doubles with another partner, and he had actually won his match without much trouble. And the redhead had been acting like his usual, carefree self, and Gakuto hadn't been himself around Yuushi at all lately, and Yuushi almost resented the fact that it had been so easy for Gakuto to win a doubles match without him. And the truth was… well, the truth was…
The truth was that Yuushi had been jealous.
Oh, god.
Who in the hell was he jealous of, anyway? It was just ridiculous. Yuushi had never, ever been jealous before, not of anyone, and there wasn't really anyone to be jealous of now. Certainly not of Gakuto's temporary partner, anyway… Kabaji didn't have anything to do with the situation, not really, even though he was probably the reason that it had been easy for Gakuto to win. But Yuushi knew better than to be jealous of that mindless hulk.
Well, maybe he was jealous of Gakuto, then. Maybe he was jealous because it seemed so easy for the acrobat to be his normal self, with or without Yuushi there on the court beside him… Whereas Yuushi couldn't play tennis with any resolve at all, not unless he was keeping track of Gakuto during a doubles match. Or maybe he wasn't jealous of anyone in particular. Maybe he was just jealous, because he wasn't where he wanted to be, and he hardly knew why he wanted to be there so badly.
And Yuushi sighed again. And he wondered why all he could seem to do was stare up at the moon and sigh, instead of going to sleep like any sane person would be doing.
Slowly, he brought his hand up to the window pane, as if he was trying to touch that perfect white orb with his fingertips. And he tried not to feel, and he tried not to think…
And for a moment, everything was peaceful.
Suddenly, he didn't feel quite so wrong anymore. Those feelings that he didn't understand hadn't gone away, but in this moment, he almost didn't mind. There was something about the moon, something about the way that it was glowing up there in the night's embrace, that was almost comforting. For a moment, it was almost as if the moon was confiding something to him, a certain secret that it held, up there in the omniscient sky…
Not the first.
You're not the first.
His fingertips moved against the glass, just slightly, as he tried to listen to this silent voice that was whispering somewhere inside his imagination…
Suddenly, his head turned toward the door behind him, and the spell was broken. He frowned a little, staring at the closed door. He almost thought that he had heard something, a small sound that had just barely caught his attention, coming from that direction.
But no one was there.
His eyes lingered on that door, and then he shrugged a little to himself. He walked over to his bedside, picking up his pajama top and sliding his arms into it. He buttoned it up, somewhat carelessly, and then he grabbed the dark blue bathrobe off of his chair, putting it on over his pajamas. And he slid his feet into the pair of his slippers by his bed, and he headed for the door.
Once he was outside his room, he glanced up and down the hallway, but he didn't see anyone. He thought that he heard the sound of a doorknob turning, but he couldn't tell where it had come from. And he was going to go back into his room, but then he paused for a moment.
His eyes wandered back down that hall, and he heard that fragile whisper in his head…
Don't go back… You want something.
And Yuushi smiled a little wryly to himself. Well, it wasn't like he was getting any sleep, anyway. So why not?
He started walking down the hall, passing door after door, until he noticed something rather strange.
There was a light on inside one of the rooms.
That's odd.
After all, Atobe had told them all that they had to be in bed by one o'clock, and it was quite a bit past that deadline. As a general rule, they were all careful to listen to Atobe in his own house, since nobody really wanted to find out the consequences of disobeying the captain on his home turf. And so it seemed strange that someone would be so defiant toward Atobe's commands…
Of course, it made more sense when Yuushi remembered that this particular door was the entrance to Atobe's room.
What is he doing awake?
Somehow, Yuushi couldn't help feeling curious about this. It made sense that Atobe would feel entitled to stay up later than the rest of them. But then again, Yuushi had no idea what their captain would be doing at two in the morning, and he couldn't help wondering what the answer to that question might be. And so he crept a little closer to the door, which was cracked open just enough for a shaft of light to cut across the hall. And he could hear a voice speaking quite clearly inside that bedroom …
"No, it's not a problem at all. I don't need his approval right now. … Well, that's true enough. But he would be paying more attention if we were still in the running. As it is, he's given me free reign until the invitations are announced."
Yuushi frowned to himself. There was only one voice in there, the expectedly self-assured one that should have been coming from that bedroom, and so he had to conclude that Atobe was on the telephone.
But why was he on the telephone at two in the morning?
He leaned in a little closer, trying to see through that small opening. And sure enough, there was Atobe, sitting up in his enormous bed with a receiver held to one ear. He was sitting at an angle, so Yuushi couldn't see his facial expression as he continued to talk.
"Yes, I know that. I'll uphold my end of the bargain. But you owe me one, you know."
Atobe paused for a moment, presumably to listen to the person on the other line, and then he chuckled.
"We'll see about that. You're extremely confident when it comes to him, aren't you? … Yes, well, same to you. I'll give you a report once we've finished with them."
And Atobe chuckled again, and his conclusion made the tensai's eyes widen in surprise behind the door.
"Aüf Wiedersehen, Tezuka."
And the captain hung up the phone on the dressing table by his bed, and Yuushi backed away from the door, not wanting to risk being seen.
He stood there for a moment, waiting in the shadows to see what Atobe would do, but it wasn't long before the light in that room went out, and Yuushi had to assume that the captain of Hyoutei had gone to bed. And now the questions started racing through the tensai's mind.
What in the hell…?
Why had Atobe been talking on the phone with Tezuka Kunimitsu, of all people? Seigaku's captain was supposed to be in Germany, going through rehabilitation for an injury that Atobe himself had caused. And now Atobe was chatting on the phone with the man, almost like they were old friends, and talking cryptically about deals and reports, and evidently going behind their coach's back with something…
Was this Atobe's scheme? Yuushi would have never guessed that it was something like that. He had expected it to be some kind of underhanded trick, like the stunt he had pulled with the intramural challenges by mixing up the playing order at the last minute. He would have expected something that involved the whole team and threw them all for a loop, something they weren't allowed to question, something they would just have to go along with regardless of their own opinions, which was typical of all of Atobe's strange plans.
But Yuushi would have never expected that Atobe was going behind all their backs, getting involved with Seigaku, of all teams, and making some deal with the very captain that Yuushi had always assumed that Atobe despised…
There was something really strange about all of this. And Yuushi didn't like it one bit.
No… Don't think about it. Just pretend like you never even heard it.
He took a few steps down the hall, intending to go back to bed and try to forget what he had heard. He didn't want to think about anything involving an Atobe brand scheme, not when the last one had ended up the way that it did. He and Gakuto were still reeling from the blow that had resulted from that one… Even now, he hardly knew what he was doing, wandering around in a dark hallway at two in the morning, because he couldn't go to sleep like the rest of the team already had…
And why? Just because of two losses and a lecture on a horrible day in the Kantou tournament?
He shook his head and started to walk down the hallway, thinking that he really would just go back to bed, after all. And then he stopped again, as a new thought entered his head.
Was that really why he felt like this?
Or was there another reason…?
…
Yuushi was staring at his doubles partner in complete astonishment, as the acrobat stood across the net from him and actually laughed out loud. They had been rallying back and forth as a warm up before practice, sometime during their second year as members of the Hyoutei tennis club.
"What's wrong, Yuushi? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Yuushi just raised his eyebrows at that. He couldn't believe what he had seen.
"Gakuto, you do know that you just returned the Higuma Otoshi, right?"
A proud smile spread across the acrobat's face, but he just shook his red hair in reply.
"I didn't actually return it, you know… It was way out. I could never actually return that thing. The angle is just too weird."
"But you got your racket on it," Yuushi murmured, still fixated on this bizarre phenomena, for reasons he couldn't quite explain.
Gakuto just shrugged. "It was just luck, really. It's only 'cuz I can jump high enough to reach it."
And Yuushi just shook his head, not sure what he was feeling at the moment.
"I swear, Gakuto, sometimes it's like you can fly."
…
Suddenly, Yuushi wasn't so sure that Atobe's schemes had anything at all to do with how he was feeling.
Of course, it had thrown them both off at the time. And everything had been awkward between them since those terrible losses, and Yuushi had hated every minute of it. But was that really the cause of the problem? Or was it…
…
"You both can just ignore it, like you always do."
…
Or was it because he just couldn't ignore it anymore?
Yuushi turned his head, glancing back down the hall. And now, for the first time that he could ever remember, he couldn't ignore what he wanted. He just couldn't ignore that whispering voice inside his head any longer, the one that he hadn't even realized was there in the first place.
Don't ignore it. Don't go back.
So he walked straight up to Gakuto's bedroom door, and as he entered the room, his heart skipped a beat…
…
It was very dark in that room, and very quiet, as Yuushi stepped inside the doorway with something like hesitation. He walked forward as carefully as he could, waiting for his eyes to adjust to his surroundings. And in that darkness, he could only make out one single thing, with all five of his senses…
He could hear the gentle sound of someone breathing.
A smile slipped onto the tensai's mouth, as he came up alongside the bed and looked down onto the mattress. Sure enough, there was Gakuto, fast asleep with his head halfway buried in his pillow. And for a moment, Yuushi couldn't do anything except look at him, watching the way his partner's chest rose and fell as he breathed.
In that moment, words could not have expressed what he felt.
After a full minute, Yuushi was surprised to notice that Gakuto was sleeping on top of the blankets, as though he had been too careless to actually get settled into bed.
That Gakuto…
The tensai shook his head a little, still smiling, and walked over to the open closet door. He came back with an extra blanket, unfolding it and silently spreading it over his partner's small form. He stood there for a little while longer, and then he sat down on a chair next to the bed, just looking at Gakuto…
He wondered why he couldn't seem to stop looking at him.
It was an idea that Yuushi knew that no one else would understand, but he couldn't help thinking that there was something about Gakuto that was almost beautiful. The way that brilliant red hair framed his partner's pale face was striking, even in such a dark room. It was with mild surprise that Yuushi suddenly realized that he had always thought so. And then there were those long, dark eyelashes, and those pale pink lips, and as Yuushi was looking at that sleeping face, he discovered that "beautiful" wasn't even the word, the word that he had been trying to think of for the longest time, without even knowing it…
Adorable.
That was what it was. Gakuto was adorable.
And the tensai smiled almost helplessly to himself.
…
"Stupid Yuushi. Stupid, stupid, stupid Yuushi…"
…
Yuushi's head was resting in his hands now, as he finally allowed himself to think about how much trouble he was in. He wasn't going to be able to finesse his way out of this one, not this time. He couldn't escape his own feelings, or run away from his own thoughts, or talk his way out of the urges of his heart…
No, he was really in trouble now.
Of course, he had always suspected that he felt strongly about the partnership that he shared with Gakuto. After all, it was the only thing that had convinced him to keep playing tennis in junior high.
But he hadn't suspected that what he really felt for Gakuto was something other than friendship.
When did this happen…?
Yuushi had no idea how long he had felt like this. He couldn't remember when it had started, because until now, he had always ignored it. It hadn't been there when they had first met… Yuushi was fairly certain of this assumption. But now, he realized that it had been there before the Kantou tournament. Yes, somewhere in that space between those two times, Yuushi's feelings toward his partner had become something completely different from what he had thought they were.
And this was why he couldn't let go of the partnership they shared. This was why he only played doubles. This was… this was…
Damn it.
This wasn't good.
But he looked back at Gakuto, and he almost didn't care. Of course, this was going to be nothing but trouble for him, but when he looked at that face, he didn't really care about himself at all…
Without even realizing what he was doing, he stood up and leaned over the mattress, stooping to give his partner a kiss on the forehead. And his lips brushed across that smooth skin…
For a moment, Yuushi could have sworn he was up in the sky, and he hardly knew what he was thinking anymore.
Why does it feel like this? I can't come back down. Oh, god… Don't make me come down. Just fly up after me, Gakuto…
You can step on both my feet, if you want… You can do anything you want to me once you get here, anything at all. Just don't stop trying.
Don't stop trying to reach me.
Yuushi covered his own mouth with his hand, as if he was feeling for that kiss, trying to will his mind to stop thinking about it. It was that same painful sensation that he had felt when he had dropped his sister's manuscript all over his bedroom, like his mind was slowly breaking apart, slowly losing the ability to think with any sort of logic at all…
He took a deep breath, and the sensation vanished. But his heart felt almost sore, and he knew that his feelings hadn't changed. No, he was still in trouble…
But like a fool, he didn't really care.
"Goodnight, Gakuto," he murmured at last, pausing for a moment as he gazed at that adorable face.
And with silent steps, he walked out of his partner's bedroom, closing the door gently behind him.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
"We only play doubles… Isn't that right, Yuushi?"
…
It was a horribly beautiful morning, Yuushi thought as he drew back the curtains.
The tensai might have simply called it a beautiful morning, if he hadn't had a vague feeling that something ominous was hanging in all the sun-soaked air that was streaming through the window into his bedroom. But he shrugged it off, focusing instead on just how blue that endless sky looked, stretching far beyond the shining panes of glass. And he smiled a little, trying to remember why he felt almost weightless, as he stared up into the distant heavens…
And then he remembered, and his smile vanished.
Gakuto.
This was going to be a problem.
Of course, if anyone could gracefully navigate through this situation, Yuushi certainly could. It wouldn't be that difficult for him to act like nothing had changed between him and Gakuto… After all, the truth was that nothing really had changed between them, at least not yet. Yuushi had realized that he had feelings for his partner, but Gakuto didn't know that. And as long as he hid it properly, there was no reason why Gakuto would find out. And then Yuushi could take his time, and get a feel for the situation before actually making a move…
As long as he hid it properly…
He almost laughed out loud at his self-doubt. Of course he could hide it. He was always hiding his personal views from his teammates, and it wasn't difficult, not by any stretch of the imagination. And there was absolutely no reason why this matter should be any different.
No, absolutely no reason at all.
It didn't take very long for Yuushi to get dressed and start heading down to breakfast. It was still about twenty minutes before eight, so he had plenty of time, even by Atobe's comically strict standards. Of course, the truth was that there was no real penalty for showing up to breakfast late, except perhaps being subject to a verbose lecture from their captain on the importance of punctuality. So he made his way down the hall at his usual, indifferent pace.
It was, however, with some vague sense of confusion that he regarded the other two people who had just entered the hallway through another bedroom door.
"Kabaji-kun… What are you doing?"
He couldn't help asking it, even as he pushed his glasses up with something like disbelief at the sight that had appeared before his eyes. Kabaji turned toward him, regarding him with nothing more than a blank stare, as he shifted the weight of the load in his arm.
Jiroh was dangling over Kabaji's shoulder, fast asleep, still wearing his blue and white striped pajamas.
Since Kabaji wasn't replying to his question, Yuushi just sighed, crossing his arms in contemplation. "Let me guess… Atobe sent you up here to get Jiroh."
"Usu."
"You know, I think he meant that you should wake him up first…" Yuushi said this rather slowly, noticing the way the second-year looked almost perplexed about something.
"Usu."
"… You can't get him to wake up." Yuushi finally deduced this after a moment.
"Usu."
"Did you try splashing water on his face?" Yuushi offered, as helpfully as he could, even while he privately wondered how he had ended up being friends with such a strange group of people.
Kabaji was silent for a moment, and then he took Jiroh back down the hallway, presumably to take him into one of the guest bathrooms in order to carry out Yuushi's suggestion.
"Well, hopefully, he won't drown him…"
Yuushi just shook his head, as he walked leisurely down the stairs. As he did, he gradually became aware of the gentle sound of piano music wafting through the front hall, and sure enough, there was Ootori sitting on the piano bench, playing away. And Shishido was sitting next to him, right there on the bench, and Ootori was trying to teach him a simple harmony part to some easy beginner's song, and Shishido was completely failing at his attempts to play it.
But the only thing that Yuushi really noticed was the way they were both smiling and laughing together, and that part was in perfect harmony.
"Good morning, Oshitari-senpai!" The tensai was greeted brightly by Ootori as he finished descending the stairs, as the pair looked up from the piano keys at the same time.
"Good morning," he replied calmly, briefly noting how the two were sitting there with practically no space between them, even though there was room for them to spread out.
"Hey, Oshitari. 'Sup?" Shishido offered, smiling almost as brightly as his partner was, despite the more casual tone of his salutation.
"Nothing, really…" Yuushi paused for a moment, thinking to himself. "Is everyone else awake?"
Ootori and Shishido glanced at each other, but the meaningful look in their eyes was gone almost instantly, and Yuushi hadn't been able to read it.
"I'm not sure, Oshitari-senpai," Ootori answered at last. "I know Atobe-san is in the library right now. And I saw Mukahi-senpai earlier, but I don't know where he went…"
Yuushi successfully concealed any particular interest he may have felt toward the last piece of information, and just shrugged casually in response.
"I see. Well, I'll leave you two to your little duet, in any case."
He smirked slightly at Shishido's embarrassed expression, as the shorter boy mumbled, "It's not much of a duet when I'm playing it."
"That's not true, Shishido-san. Nobody can play it perfectly the first time," Ootori replied sweetly.
"Yeah, right. I bet that you were always good…"
"No, I really wasn't, Shishido-san…"
Oshitari left the two of them in their own world, which they seemed to be entering more and more often lately. As he strolled through a side passage, he wasn't completely sure where he was headed, but he had some vague conviction that he was going to the library to see if Atobe was there. If nothing else, he could ask Atobe where Gakuto was… And if he was feeling particularly courageous, he might force himself to mention that he had overheard that incredibly suspicious conversation the night before.
…
"Aüf Wiedersehen, Tezuka."
…
Yuushi shook his head slightly, as he passed door after door. He didn't know why Atobe had been talking with Tezuka Kunimitsu at two o'clock in the morning, but it was an entirely irregular phenomenon that deserved some kind of explanation. He figured it would at least create some justified discomfort for the self-absorbed captain if he revealed his accidental knowledge of the matter, even if he didn't actually get the deserved explanation because of it. And anyway, it was time to let that overly presumptuous Atobe know that someone was on to his little scheme…
"… This is certainly an unexpected request, especially coming from you, Gakuto."
Yuushi froze in place, right in the middle of the hallway.
"I'm serious, Atobe. I really mean it."
Of course, the tensai instantly recognized his partner's voice, which sounded almost far away and yet was still perfectly audible. And Yuushi's heart began to beat faster, for a reason that he couldn't really explain, as he tried to figure out where the conversation was coming from. The library door was in front of him, off to his right side…
Coming up alongside the open door, he listened carefully. Sure enough, Atobe was in the library, and Gakuto was in there with him, which he could tell from the direction and volume of their voices.
… But why was Gakuto talking with Atobe?
"You've never expressed any dissatisfaction with the situation before."
Atobe's voice spoke with its customarily cool tone, but there was a faint hint of surprise in it that Yuushi would not have expected in a typical conversation.
"I know that. But… I really don't want to. Not anymore."
Gakuto's voice, on the other hand, sounded very strange and was completely different from his usual way of talking. He seemed very quiet, almost hesitant… Yuushi frowned as he tried to imagine what kind of expression would be on his partner's face, to accompany that odd tone. But he couldn't picture it at all.
It almost reminded Yuushi of that time when he and Gakuto had been standing in front of his house, and he had said the wrong thing, and Gakuto had run away from him…
"Shouldn't you be discussing this with Oshitari?"
Yuushi didn't notice the way he sucked in his own breath slightly at the mention of his name.
… Why was his heart beating so fast?
There was a terrible pause, and Yuushi had to strain to hear Gakuto's reply, it was muttered so quietly.
"I don't care. I don't want to talk to him."
There was no sinking feeling in Yuushi's chest this time. Instead, those mumbled words sent a sharp pang straight into his heart.
Of course, he had never liked it when Gakuto had made a point of ignoring him. But he had never heard Gakuto say out loud that he didn't want to talk to him. No, every time that Gakuto had ignored Yuushi in the past, he had given him a chance to make it right again…
There was another pause, shorter this time, and then Atobe spoke again.
"Let me get this straight… You want me to make multiple changes to our roster and rearrange our entire strategy, just because you are suddenly discontent with something that has been in place for over two years now…"
The words kept coming as Atobe continued to speak, but they only started to swim around Yuushi's head in a general state of confusion, as the tensai's mind started going a mile a minute with the realization of what they must have been talking about.
Over two years…
… In place for over two years…
…
"I think you two should play doubles together."
"… If we're going to play doubles, you're going to have to keep up with me."
"I'll keep up with you. You can bet on that."
…
"Of course, if it were us, we would beat them. Wouldn't we, Yuushi?"
"Leave it to me, Gakuto."
…
"So, you two want to play doubles together? Are you sure about that?""
"… This is all that we can expect from your partnership."
…
"Shut up, Atobe!" Gakuto's voice suddenly broke into Yuushi's train of thought. The acrobat almost sounded like he was in pain…
"I don't care what you think, and I don't care what you say… I don't want to play doubles with Yuushi anymore!"
…
… It wasn't silver, and it certainly wasn't gold.
It wasn't either of those precious metals, but when it finally broke apart for good, Yuushi could have sworn that his heart was lying there, spread out among all the shards.
It was all there. That first time that they had met on the court, when they had first decided to play doubles… All of the hours they had practiced together, learning the techniques of the game and trying to perfect their favorite strategies… Every single grueling match that they had played over the course of the past three tennis seasons…
It was lying there on the ground, shattered.
…
"I wonder how long you can afford to keep playing around like this? … You're going to lose it."
…
And the worst of it wasn't that it was gone for good. No, the worst of it was…
Gakuto had broken it himself.
After everything that they had been through together, Gakuto had been the one to break it.
"… We shouldn't be partners anymore, anyway…"
Yuushi hardly realized that Gakuto was still talking to Atobe, who was apparently listening to the acrobat's insistence without any protest at all. But it didn't matter; it was all somewhere over his head…
"… would be better if you pair me with someone else in the next competition…"
He was barely comprehending the words that his partner was speaking so emphatically. But he somehow understood exactly what was happening, as Gakuto proposed the same thing that everyone had always assumed would be a much more sensible arrangement, the one that Yuushi had fought against for as long as he had believed that Gakuto would have fought with him…
"… Yuushi would make a really good singles player."
The tensai didn't hear another word, and his feet began carrying him far away from that open door, as the awful reality began to permanently sink into his consciousness. He took step after step, not caring who or what saw him as he weaved through the hallway, climbed up the stairs, and marched straight past every single door, every single teammate, every single disappointment that surrounded him.
And he was back in his bedroom after all of this, and he locked the door behind him, and he did not go down to breakfast, even when Atobe attempted to call for him over the intercom. And in that time, what he truly felt about that important thing that had just been shattered into a thousand pieces was fully expressed, a secret that he would only ever share with those devoutly silent walls.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Oshitari Yuushi had never been so furious in all in his life.
He wasn't the only one who was aware of this fact, either. After breakfast, Atobe had announced over the intercom that it was time for practice, and Yuushi had taken his tennis racquet, walked down the stairs, and joined his teammates on the court without saying a single word. No one had said anything to him about his absence at breakfast, apparently sensing that he didn't want to be asked, and Atobe had calmly proceeded to assign each player to a hitting partner for a warm up exercise.
"You'll play out a short set against your assigned opponent. First one to six games is exempt from extra laps during our afternoon run," he had said.
Well, Yuushi was playing out that set right now. And he was doing it with all the frustration that he was feeling, because the hurt from what he had overheard that morning had almost completely dissolved by this point. Instead, it had given way to an anger that was getting worse with each passing minute, and was quickly reaching an almost murderous rage.
At least, that's what it must have seemed like to Yuushi's unfortunate opponent, because Hiyoshi was staring at him with something like dismay as Yuushi finished off the fifth game of the set. So far, the second-year hadn't scored a single point against him.
And if Yuushi had cared enough to notice, he would have realized that every last one of his teammates was staring at him as well.
As it was, he hardly gave Hiyoshi a nod before serving the ball for the sixth game. And he continued to play out the point, winning it in only a matter of seconds, and then moving to the other side of the court to serve the next ball. He won this point on a service ace, and moved again to the other side. He didn't really care about how he was playing; all he could feel was a smoldering anger in his chest that was only burning hotter with every ball he hit.
The only thing that he could think about was how betrayed he felt. Nothing else mattered.
But if he could have seen himself through his teammates' eyes, he would have understood why they were staring at him. This was the first time that any of them had seen Oshitari Yuushi play like this. The tensai had thrown his usual caution to the wind, and he was hitting with such powerful force that he was overwhelming a perfectly competent adversary. What's more, the glass lenses on his face couldn't hide the fire that was blazing in his normally cool eyes. Every single point that he played was a perfect union of physical strength and precise strategy, nothing less than a work of genius from an unusually gifted player.
And the effect of this unhinged aggression in a person who had always made a habit of hiding his true potential was nothing short of breathtaking.
As for Yuushi, he was completely unaware of this reality, but he was vaguely aware of the current state of his own mind. It was almost a relief, because the pain from that morning had already faded away, and with it had disappeared that awful feeling that his logical capabilities had been disintegrating into nothing. No, the power of his analytical skills had returned in full force now, and it was with an ice-cold clarity that his mind was evaluating every stroke that his opponent hit and directing his body to act accordingly.
And the fire and the ice were mingling together, over and over again in a single motion, as he hit every coolly calculated shot with scathing intensity.
He didn't even bother to call out the score as he walked over to the ad court, taking every step with an almost terrifyingly calm composure. He didn't have to call out the score. He knew that it was match point, and Hiyoshi knew that it was match point. Everyone knew that it was match point. And Yuushi took a deep breath, leaning back and throwing the ball into the painfully blue sky…
…
"I don't want to play doubles with Yuushi anymore!"
…
The loud noise startled everyone, when Yuushi made contact with the ball, slamming into it with his racquet strings like a tidal wave crashing onto the shore. Yuushi never, ever yelled when he served, but this time, he had shouted for a very brief instant as he hit it, so that everyone wondered if the sound they had heard had only been a trick of their ears.
But when they saw the way that the tennis ball had embedded itself into the chain link fence, completing a perfect service game, they stopped wondering.
Yuushi walked off the court in silence, leaving his teammates to think whatever they wanted to think. But he couldn't have cared less about what he had just done…
No, he was much too angry to care about something as pointless as tennis.
He walked up to the washing area, which was around the corner from the courts. And so no one was watching, as he ripped the glasses off of his face and turned on the faucet. And he splashed the water into his glaring eyes, but the cool liquid didn't quench the burning anger that was hidden inside of him. As he ran his fingers through his damp hair, trying to coax the unruly strands out of his line of vision, he tried to take a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. And it worked, but only in the sense that he no longer felt like causing physical harm to the next someone or something that dared to interact with him.
Yes, he was still angry. And he was so angry that he didn't have the slightest urge to try to mask his anger in front of his teammates.
Who cared about what they thought, anyway? They had always been against what he wanted, from the very beginning. And so Yuushi couldn't have cared less about what they thought.
And as for what Gakuto thought…
No. He wouldn't think about it. He couldn't, not now.
It was in this slightly less enraged state of mind that he returned to the courts, just as the others were finishing up their matches and starting to practice a few drills. And Yuushi played along with his teammates, going through the motions of every single drill without actually registering the activity in his mind. He had the distinct feeling that they had all stopped talking about something when he rejoined them, even though he hadn't heard any of them talking as he approached the courts. But there was a definite uneasiness still lingering around them all, and the nearer that they were to the tensai at any given moment, the more uneasy they started to look.
And Gakuto in particular looked almost frightened, which made Yuushi so furious that he was sure that he would go insane.
By the time that they were finished with the drills, the sun was very high in the sky, and the sweat was pouring off of everyone's faces, despite the cooler air of the mountain climate of Karuizawa. And it was almost as if Yuushi's unspoken frustration had spread to the rest of the group, because no one seemed to want to say much of anything in that moment, as they started stooping down to gather up the tennis balls that were strewn across every corner of the court. Even Shishido and Ootori had only made a few passing remarks to each other before falling silent and attending to the task at hand.
But as several of them were finishing up and emptying the balls into the basket, a faint sense of relief started to sneak its way into the general mood, as though they had assumed that the worst was over. And so by the time Yuushi was picking up the last few tennis balls within his reach, he could hear some faint chatter on the part of Shishido and Ootori, coupled with the occasional silly remark from Jiroh, who had been wide awake for the past few hours, strangely enough.
And Yuushi himself almost started to feel something akin to relief, but then his eyes fell on the ground beside him, onto a familiar pair of tennis shoes…
And his anger instantly returned, in all its full, bitter, raging force.
His outward expression gave no indication of this, however, as he silently rose to his feet. He had every intention of walking away from this person, as quickly as he could, but his plan was immediately ruined.
"Yuushi…" Gakuto's voice sounded almost meek as he addressed the tensai, but this only annoyed Yuushi too much for him to be able to ignore it.
"What do you want?" he asked, and the coldness in his voice could have frozen hell itself. But there was no way that he was going to let on about just how much Gakuto had hurt him. And so he watched in silence, as something like anguish flashed through the acrobat's eyes. He could have screamed at Gakuto then and there… What right did he have to look as though he was in pain, when it was his fault to begin with?
"Yuushi, what's wrong?" Gakuto finally managed, apparently trying to hide the way his lower lip was trembling slightly. But somehow, this only hardened the tensai's resolve to be unforgiving.
"What do you mean, what's wrong?" he repeated coolly. "What makes you think that anything's wrong?"
"Yuushi, I know that something's been bothering you, and---"
But Yuushi interrupted his partner with a flash of his eyes, and his tone became more heated, as the anger started rising inside of him. "Oh, so you already know. Well, in that case, I'm sure I don't need to tell you about it."
There was a horrible pause, and Gakuto blinked as though his eyes stung.
"Yuushi, what are you talking abo---"
"Save your breath, Gakuto," Yuushi snapped, in an angry tone that his partner had obviously never heard before. "By all means, don't waste your explanations on me. I don't have the slightest interest in your excuses."
There was another brief moment of silence, and then it was as though a rubber band had snapped at one end and flung itself into the air.
"What do you mean by that?" Gakuto shot back, frowning angrily at him. "I wasn't going to explain anything to you!"
"Oh, I see," Yuushi replied bitterly, glaring down at the redhead. "Well, in that case, excuse me. I should have known that it was pointless to expect an explanation on the subject."
"On what subject? I have no idea what your problem is!" Gakuto clenched his pale hands and met Yuushi's piercing stare without flinching.
"On what subject…?" Yuushi repeated, almost slowly. There was a fatal pause, and then a horrible sound filled the air, one that none of the Regulars had ever heard before.
Yuushi tilted his head back and laughed like death.
"On what subject…? Now I see. You're pretending that you don't know. Well, if you want to play that game, Gakuto, then by all means, go right ahead. And please excuse me if I ignore you out of sheer disgust."
He was ready to sidestep his former partner and start walking toward the ball basket, but Gakuto was too quick and got in his way.
"Yuushi, I don't even know what you're talking about! Why can't you just tell me what's wrong?"
"Get out of my way, Gakuto," the tensai practically hissed, in a voice that was even lower than usual. He knew he was in trouble now, that he was completely losing control of the situation, but there was no way that he could stop himself from crashing.
"Why should I?" the acrobat retorted, twisting his mouth into that defiant little expression that Yuushi had only found amusing before. But it was anything but amusing now, as the anger in those big blue eyes frustrated him more than he would have ever thought possible.
Somehow, it made him feel like he could be capable of the most horrible things, of being inexpressibly cruel, even to this person, this person that he cared about… As though he just wanted to get some kind of revenge for the way his partner had hurt him…
"Get out of my way!" Yuushi actually shouted the command, much to the shock of everyone else on the court. By now, no one else was talking anymore… All attention was on this impromptu face-off between two doubles partners, who for all their little scuffles and petty differences had never fought like this.
"No!" Gakuto was shouting back, in his higher voice. By this point, the tennis balls that they had both been holding had been forgotten, and were scattering across the ground like fluorescent rain. "Not until you tell me why you're acting like this!"
"I'm acting like this because you're a revolting little insect." Yuushi spat out the words like venom from a cobra's mouth, suddenly and without any warning, as he released the frustration that had been building inside of him. "And I don't have to explain a thing to an inconsequential speck like you."
For a moment, Gakuto looked almost as though he had just drunk poison, and then he sputtered right back, "Like hell you don't, you idiot! You're acting like a complete jerk… No, worse than a complete jerk! You're---"
"I don't really care what you thi---" Yuushi tried to cut in, but Gakuto just screamed over the words that he had been trying to say.
"Shut up, you moron!" The redhead was turning pink in the face from yelling, as he practically shrieked at Yuushi in his rage. "Just shut the hell up! I hate you… God, I really hate you!"
And Yuushi didn't know if it was because he was breaking apart, or Gakuto was breaking apart, or what was even happening by this point to both of them, in this crazed whirl of reckless, stabbing words…
But suddenly, he just wanted the whole damn thing to break into pieces.
And so he brought his arm back, with every intention of hitting his partner soundly across the face. And he saw the terror in Gakuto's eyes in that moment, and he knew just as well as the acrobat did that he had the strength to really hurt Gakuto, and he hardly even cared if he did hurt him, he was so completely out of his head by this point…
But his arm was frozen in the air.
It was so silent, that they could both hear the faint sound of the breeze rustling in the branches of the nearby trees. And now, in this moment, when the force of their anger was halted so suddenly that they hardly remembered what they had been doing beforehand…
Now they both saw why Yuushi couldn't move his arm.
"Don't. Just don't."
It was said with the most serene kind of authority, and there was Ootori at Yuushi's side, holding the tensai's arm firmly in place and looking every single one of his six feet and five inches in height. He had dropped his usually humble tone of speech, and there was a strange light in those warm brown eyes as he met his senpai's bewildered stare.
And much to both Yuushi and Gakuto's confusion, Ootori wasn't the only one in their midst, either. Shishido was standing between the two of them, with his arm stretched out protectively in front of Gakuto, as if ready to shield the acrobat from any blow that he might have been in danger of receiving.
"If you try to do it, I won't let you," Shishido said, and his voice was strangely calm, even though his eyes had a dangerous spark in them.
And just as both Yuushi and Gakuto were about to say something in protest, angry that these two, of all people, should have interfered…
"Don't do it," they both said in unison.
And the breeze above all four of their heads whispered a hundred threats, and the anger in Yuushi and Gakuto's faces slowly extinguished itself into a mute disbelief.
Yuushi lowered his arm, and Ootori allowed it to slip from his grasp, even though that determined light was still gleaming in his eyes as he watched. And Shishido, too, lowered his arm, even as Gakuto's glance lowered to the floor, too ashamed to look up again.
Now that his anger was gone, Yuushi could already feel that horrible, aching pain coming back into his chest, as he thought about what he had almost done. And he almost wished that he could just disintegrate into nothing, right then and there, rather than live through the aftermath of what had just happened…
But none of them disintegrated, and they all just stood there, in the worst kind of silence, as the other four Regulars looked on the scene in complete disbelief.
And just as Yuushi was thinking that he would have to say something, or otherwise risk losing his mind from the pain of that silence, and just as he was thinking that it seemed like Gakuto might say something, even though he looked almost ready to cry, which alone was enough to make Yuushi wish he that was dead from sheer guilt…
Just like that, the words were out of both of their mouths at once.
"I'm never speaking to you again."
There could have been no other conclusion, in the hurt embarrassment of that moment. Yuushi couldn't forgive Gakuto for what he had done. And he especially couldn't forgive Gakuto for not even admitting what he had done, in requesting that their partnership be brought to an end. He had never even asked Yuushi what he wanted, and Yuushi had always been the one who had wanted it. And for that, for the value that the tensai had always placed on their status as a doubles pair, not to mention for the way Gakuto had just driven him to act like an idiot in front of the entire team …
And above all else, for the way he had just discovered that he felt for this partner, who had inadvertently rejected him that very morning…
For the disappointment, for the pain, for the anger that this indirect rejection had already caused him, in the space of less than a day…
For the fact that what he felt for Gakuto was so strong that it was taking over his every foolish, stupid, misguided action…
For all of that, he couldn't find it in his heart to say anything else.
And as for Gakuto, Yuushi couldn't blame him for saying it, either. For what he had almost done just a moment ago, for the horrible things that he had said out loud that he could never really mean, and for the way he had never actually explained to his partner why he was so angry, like any normal, rational person would…
For all of those things, he couldn't be forgiven either. And so it was inevitable that they were not speaking to each other…
It was inevitable. Things that weren't gold or silver just had to break, sooner or later.
It was inevitable.
For a brief moment, Yuushi and Gakuto's eyes met, and both of them flinched. The silence was awful, and both of them were suddenly afraid of another outburst, afraid that the next one would leave them both in pieces before it was through. And so in that moment, the silence was truly frightening, and Yuushi wished more than anything that someone would say something, anything, to break this horrible cycle…
In that moment, Atobe finally spoke up, in a voice that sounded clearer than crystal.
"I believe it's almost time for lunch. Let's go back to the cottage and cool down, everyone."
That was it.
No lecture, no judgments, no obviously sarcastic undertone that hinted at the stupidity of their reckless behavior. Nothing.
There were only footsteps, as Hyoutei's captain started down the path toward the house, and every last Regular followed him without question. That was the way that it always was, and it was no different now, no matter what had broken apart on that warm summer morning and was now left for dead on the abandoned tennis courts.
In that moment, Yuushi truly believed that it would never be fixed again.
-End of Chapter Eight-