Hello again, aspiring sea chums! I hope all of you are having a Usopptastic filled day so far. Since it is raining outside all over the deck, I've decided to stay inside the cozy interiors of my reliable vessel and answer more of your concerns and burning questions. I hope you find my answers and advice to your liking. I will put my best foot forward to deliver my wisdom to you, my faithful followers!

I truly need your help. I've been writing my own fanfic, but have only gotten flames from 1 random person. I ask for more flames, but still no cigar(er...lolipop, for the 4kids editing of course). Please, how can I get more flames.

Muten Azuki

Hello there Muten Azuki!

More flames huh? You really want people to bash and ridicule your writing that you have worked so egregiously hard on? I say this with the very utmost amount of respect but, you are certainly a strange fellow. No matter, I claimed before that I wouldn't judge! Okay, so sources tell me that you are writing a short piece of literature for something called Fullmetal Alchemist, am I right? Well of course I am! Seeing as I, the great pirate Captain Usopp, have gotten into several skirmishes before, I have mastered the act of how some may say, "pissing" people off. As far as flaming goes concerning a successful series, it may be useful to start off with insulting major popular characters. Take this as an example: "Edward Cullen is a pedophile". Stick this small piece of information among your fiction and you will be sure to get the rabid fan girls going! Trust me, I know this from experience. I harbor a talent for writing and receiving bountiful flames myself. Another thing you may want to try is changing a main characters name. Personally, I try this one on Zoro all the time! Just for some reason he really hates being called Roronoa Zolo. God only knows why, I guess. Usually after changing a main characters name in your story, you will get the diehard fans in an up rage. Try it out! It's rather enjoyable!!

Enjoy your flames,

Captain Usopp

Dear Captain Ussop:

I am an writer, writing about the exploits of a character named Blitz, set 20 years after your time. Despite the reviews I'm getting, I feel that my writing is inadequate. I have horrible grammar and spelling issues, too lazy to research and a terrible procrastinator. What I'm asking is; Do you have any tips or advise to over come these negative aspects and improve my writing?

Sincerely

Nezumimaru,

author of Neo One Piece

Hello Nezumimaru,

Nice to meet your acquaintance! After spending an ample amount of time dwelling on your problem, I have came to a consensus that I feel will benefit you so. You complain of having problems with grammar? That is not as bad as you might think. Even so, I'm here to help. While you are writing your various stories filled with pirate adventures, be sure to click ever so often on this little button thingy called "Spell check". It is small, and I think you will find it quite convenient and to your liking. Everyone knows that the small various colored squigglys underneath your careful thought-out words can be so tiresome and just plain annoying. How dare they bombard your paper with their ugly two colored repetitions! It is just plain unforgivable! If you are not in meters of a little electronic device that is referred to as many a "computer", then by all means use a dictionary. They are quite helpful during the process of writing and editing various fictions. If that doesn't work, then grab a friend. Force them to edit your story! If they rudely refuse, you may have to resort to blackmail, but I didn't say that. I'm not sure if I can give you helpful advice on overcoming laziness and procrastination. Seeing as I, the brave Captain Usopp, have never experienced these blemishes upon my ever gleaming character.

Cheers to you,

Captain Usopp

Dear Captain Usopp,

I have three burning questions that really do need to be answered.
One, which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Two, did Luffy eat Chopper or did Sanji use him as the reserve food supply already? I haven't seen him in a few days.
Three, I ave yet to watch the latest episode of One Piece where Kuma sends you all flying but my friends say that you screamed like a girl. I;m hoping this isn't true. What really happened with Kuma at the Shabondy Archipelago?

Blu-Calling

Blu- Calling,

Welcome! Great Captain Usopp here! I am honored to answer your burning questions. It is my personal belief that burning questions should be answered after all. Hmmm…the chicken or the egg huh? Well, that's simple. The answer is obviously hidden in this old cowboy proverb: "Don't squat with your spurs on." Isn't the answer clear? I feel it is anyways. Helpful, aren't I? Silly one, Luffy didn't eat Chopper, that surely isn't good for his health, is it? Not like it matters though, Luffy would eat anything, given the opportunity. Whenever you are in doubt, remember this ever handy equation concerning the activity of dining on blue nosed reindeers: Chopper= Reindeer hair+ Luffy= Hairball!! Yelch! Disgusting, and certainly unhealthy. Though, Chopper has disappeared, hasn't he? No worries, I'm sure he is somewhere in the kitchen with Sanji. Cackle, cackle, bwahahahahahahahwoowowowow. Concerning your last question, that is truly impossible. Captain Usopp, screaming in a girly fashion? Preposterous! I am the very epitome of manhood by the way. Do you really want to know what happened? Here it is: SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER...and I did NOT scream like a girl. Take my word, for I am so very honest.

Catch ya later,

Captain Usopp