Dear Captain Usopp-sama,

I love your Usopp Wagomu! It's smexy. ^^
Anyway, I am in desperate need of assistance. Lately, my house seems to have been overrun by... purple ferrets! They're everywhere! I'm stuck in my house hiding under the pillows! What do I do? Do I fight back? Or do I invest in a steel plated mattress? I'm afraid they'll learn how to pick locks soon!

Love, Dandy Wonderous

Oi, Dandy Wonderous,

Why thank you! That lovely comment you just left regarding my Usopp Wagomu has just made my day! That's an achievement on your part because the day has barely begun. Yes, I know, I can be intimidating at times, but the courage you have displayed while seeking my assistance is quite a remarkable feat. Consider yourself congratulated! In regards to your cry for help, don't worry your little head my friend, because I have just invented the product to stop those pesky purple ferrets from ever gracing your humble doorstep again! I am proud to present to you: THE USOPP-O-BLASTO™! Now, before you get too excited, let me describe to you how it functions and its overall breathtaking appearance. The USOPP-O-BLASTO™ is not a product for the faint of heart, and many fools have taken its presence way too lightly. This is a mistake on their part, my friend, because this spectacular machine that my hands have blessed can be quite unforgiving if used in vain. The appearance of my newest weapon is not to be underestimated. Although, it may look like a simple staple gun, it is actually a two in one device. Two-in-one, you ask? Yes, matter of fact it is! Let me explain its functions in this carefully thought-out, brief example.

It is a cold day outside as Captain Usopp –sama ventures along his trusty pirate vessel. He has just awoken, so he is feeling quite alert and ready for anything. This is fact because the amazing Captain Usopp-sama has been blessed by the pirate gods with a ready for anything demeanor. He always wakes up in the morning alert, and well, ready for anything. So, as Captain Usopp-sama surveys the deck he notices something strange. His vessel is quiet, too quiet. Hand on his trusty slingshot; he slowly creeps around to the kitchen where he is dreadfully disturbed by a distinctive racket. And…SURPRISE!! The racket is being caused by his two faithful crewmen, Sanji and Luffy. Much to Captain Usopp's dismay, Luffy has eaten up his crew's food supply for the next month! Since Sanji worships the ground Captain Usopp-sama walks on, he too joins in while Captain Usopp scolds the young foolish child. Captain Usopp- sama mutters his thanks to his reliable chef, Sanji, as Luffy rushes off in tears feeling ever so sorry for eating Captain Usopp's food supply. From there all is well. Captain Usopp takes a drink made especially for him from the kitchen's refrigerator and heads up on the deck once more to watch the choppy sea. It is there on the deck that Captain Usopp- sama hears a blood curdling scream. Hiding and shielding her head from these purple ferrets is his faithful navigator, Nami. Captain Usopp bites his lip and scratches his face as he realizes that a huge purple ferret has just savagely ripped off Nami's hair with its sharp, razor-like teeth. Holding back a laugh at his navigator's newly bald head, Captiain Usopp-sama pulls out his USOPP-O- BLASTO and fires thrice times into the ferret's face. BANG! There goes the ferret's nose. BOOM! There goes the ferret's upper lip. KABOW! The purple ferret falls to the deck, dead and destroyed beyond recognition. After showing a manly display of growling and lip curling, Captain Usopp-sama deposits his USOPP-O-BLASTO™ back into his pocket. Then he walks away all cool and tough-like.

Eh…sorry, maybe I rambled a bit too much. Though, as you can see, the USOPP-O-BLASTO™ is pretty handy when it comes to taking care of purple rabid ferrets. Oh, and for the small price of well, your life savings, you too can own one of the best thought-out inventions in the world. Well, what do you say? Are you willing to pay that small, insignificant price? It is strongly advised, and you definitely wouldn't need a steel plated mattress.

Do the right thing,

Captain Usopp

Dear "Captain Usopp",

You are by far the most ridiculous liar I have ever met. That "true story" that you just described above is the biggest pile of crap I've ever came across. For your reader's sake, I really hope they don't believe the garbage you are feeding them.

Get a life and grow up,

Nami

Dear Nami,

Jealousy is not pretty on a lady. That is all!

Not lying,

Captain Usopp