Hello readers! It's that time again. You know, the time when the great Captain Usopp answers more of his faithful reader's questions and resolves their various problems? Yes, I know you're very excited. Or if you tend to lean more towards the personal characteristics of Nami, you are downright furious. Don't fret though sea chums; I understand if you are completely and irrevocably enraged with Captain Usopp. I'm not one for excuses or alibis, as it has been instilled in my personal beliefs since birth to never settle with excuses because it is not the manly way to handle a problem , but here are a few anyways:
The Great Captain Usopp suffered a fatal disease most of this last week and did not get a chance to recover until today.
Zoro was angry at me for some ridiculous reason and just felt the need to break my hand for his own sick enjoyment, so I couldn't possibly get the chance to answer your questions.
More of those pesky purple ferrets decided to wreak havoc on my poor unsuspecting crew again. Of course, being the benevolent Captain Usopp, I had to defend their helpless beings. It's alright though; I forgive them for having to rely too much on their beloved Captain Usopp.
Just because I feel like being kind, I will tell you, my faithful readers this: At least two out of the three possibilities may be right. Or, none of them may be right at all. Crackle, crackle bwahahahahahooooyyyy. Jeez, I crack myself up. Anyways, onto the questions!!
Dear Ussop...Dear the amazing and glorious Captain Ussop,
I am in desperate need of profesional help. My toilet is backed up and I don't know what to do! Can you help? What do you think is better, two ply or moist wipes? Also, it appears that I have a stalker or two...or four. Please help!
uhhh…woof?
Oi ! uhhh…woof?
What an interesting name you got there, pal. It's alright though; many individuals might claim that the amazing Captain Usopp has an unusual name himself. Hah, I scoff at them. If they knew anything, they would have gained the knowledge that every expectant mother is waiting in a torturous long line, anticipating for the time when she, herself can name her child Usopp! Yosh! I bet you didn't know that, now did you anonymous reviewer? Ah, no worries if you didn't though. Hmm…it seems Captain Usopp is rambling again. My deepest apologies, I shall now proceed to answer your questions. Your toilet is backed up, you say? Yikes, I can see how that would be a slight problem. Did you trying scaring the foul smelling intruders away from your toilet with a scary mask? It works every time for me. Stumped, are you? I bet you are. It is all well though, trust me. Since you are here, you must already know that the glorious Captain Usopp is extremely gifted in fine arts, especially painting and mask making. One time I happened to construct a breathtakingly beautiful mask of a certain angry female with my bare but gifted hands. As you may have figured out already the mask was made in the image of Nami and it greatly resembled her. You had to be there, I swear on my pirate dreams! The mask bearing Nami's face had her ever popular, frightful expression adorned on its surface. You know the one that just screams: Back-off- or-I-will-chop-you-up-into-a-hundered-pieces-and-give-you-to-Sanji-so-you-can-personally-become-part-of-tonights-dinner? Or how about the one that is equally as frightening and conveys something along the lines of: Did-you-just-rip-up-my-map-you-scum-on-the-bottom-of-my-shoe-you-better-run-cause'-I-will-beat-you-and-make-you-life-a-living-hell? Jeez, that woman. I can't seem to understand how we all have lasted so long with her still encamped on my prized vessel. What I am trying to tell you in my own way is to somehow obtain a mask with a frightful face and use that to take care of your toilet problem. Also just a friendly tip: While you are wearing said mask you may want to let loose with a hearty and manly-like "GRRR, BEGONE YE BECAUSE IT IS WHAT CAPTAIN USOPP ORDERS!!" That should take care of your backed up toilet.
Two-ply or moist wipes? What are those? I am a fearsome pirate, you know? I am not too familiar with your use of toilet hygiene. My greatest apologies especially. Two-ply does sound more favorable though in my honest and humble opinion. I bet you want to know why. Well, it is because in the name "Usopp" there are two "P's" and Two- ply has the word "two" in it, doesn't it? Also, two is just my favorite number. Don't ask why. It is one of the world's greatest mysteries, I promise you. So yeah, Captain Usopp says to choose Two-ply.
You claim to have your own personal stalkers. This must be a blatant lie, because only the great Captain Usopp has numerous stalkers. It's alright though, I understand if you want to follow in the footsteps of your lifetime hero. Do not fret, for I assure you, I will not judge.
Until next time,
Captain Usopp
Hello Captain Usopp,
I think you are pretty amazing. Here is my burning question: Last week on the bus, I was arguing with my best friend about what was cooler: Pirates or Ninjas. Now even though the answer is obviously "Pirates" my best friend swears up and down that ninjas are cooler. How can I beat some sense into her thick head?
Thanks in advance,
A pirate's life is surely the life for me
A pirate's life is surely the life for me,
Thank you for recognizing my ever extending levels of amazingness. It is greatly appreciated! As far as your best friend goes, it seems they have badly been misinformed. How unfortunate for them, I suppose. As far as Pirates vs. Ninjas, I believe it is clear who the obvious winner is of course. Pirates, duh! This is the valid reason you can use to prove your answer "Pirates are much better because the beautiful, great, amazing Captain Usopp is a pirate!" I believe that explains it all very clearly, don't you? Another way you may want to back up your statement on why pirates are better is by pointing out that their ninja hero is just some twelve year old punk in an old orange jumpsuit. That sure will get them huh?
Good luck,
Captain Usopp