Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

Note: Alex's POV.

CHAPTER: 2

Alex walked into her home and then shut and locked the door behind her. She didn't even make it a foot into her home before she felt as though the world was crashing down in front of her. Hell, in front of her, try on her. She never realized how much Robert Goren was apart of her life, how much he affected her, how much she needed him until today, because today, she was sure she had lost him. She felt lonely and it sent a shiver down her spine.

It's odd how you never truly know what you have, you never appreciate what you have until you no longer have it.

Just call him. Go to him. Go see him. Call him…

She wanted to, she really did. She wanted to call him, she wanted to go see him, she wanted to confront him about it all, but then she remembered.

Throw your life away, Bobby, but you're not bringing me down with you. Not anymore.

Her resentment resurfaced. She no longer wanted to call him. She found herself to be looking up as she threw her purse across the room and dropped her briefcase on the ground next to her.

Alex recalled the drive home from work. It was hell. Fucking hell. She was angry; speeding like a bat out of hell and swearing until she ran out of words to say. All her angry, all her despair was because of Robert O. Goren. The man whom was literally falling apart at the seams, the man she couldn't live without and yet refused to call because she was too angry, too stubborn to allow herself to care.

On the way home, she couldn't control her thoughts as they drifted back to the good times of their partnership; in the beginning. She loved his smile, she loved the bounce in his step and how enthusiastic he'd get when they got a new case and she loved watching him pounce on a suspect when he knew they had 'em. Now, though, she no longer saw that spark. She no longer saw that glimmer in his eyes. Everything was dark. Everything about him was so dull and lifeless. Everything he did seemed to take what little energy he had left right out of him.

That eagerness which pulled her into him was long gone. Everything has changed.

How did things get so fucked up?

It was scary, really, how alone and astray he looked.

But loneliness is a choice.

And then she remembered.

His mother.

His life, his mother, everything about him. His mother was his life.

Alex remembered back to the look he had on his face when he left the squad room the last time. He looked exhausted. Even before then, when he'd get calls from his mother throughout the case, he looked so worn out.

Alex's tears fell. She didn't try and wipe them away. She cried not only because of Bobby because she thought of herself in his position. She put herself in his shoes. She thought of how she would feel if she grew up the way he did. She had it well; she was well-aware of that, and something about having to live the way he did made her cry even harder.

It wasn't an excuse for him, she knew that, it was just an explanation.

Bobby…

"Bobby…" She whispered his name this time. Just to hear those two syllables.

And that's when he had her. That's when he had her and he didn't even know it. And the saddest part about it was he'd probably never know it. Alex continued to muse as her legs finally gave out. She fell back against her front door and slid down it until she landed on the cold, hard ground. She pulled her knees up against her chest and sobbed.

After all we've been through over the years and I had to find out about his mothers lymphoma through interviewing a suspect. Ray. He could tell this information to a perfect stranger, but not his own fucking partner?! What the hell kind of partnership is that?

But they were more than partners, they were friends as well, and Alex couldn't and wouldn'tdeny that no matter how hard she tried. No matter how pissed she got at him, she'd always consider him a friend; even if he didn't consider her one any longer.

Has he ever considered me one?

Alex knew when she glanced up in Bobby's eyes as he was talking to Ray that he was being completely honest about his mother's condition. She questioned him immediately afterwards only to confirm her suspicions. She wasn't sure how to feel just then, but she does now.

Ostracized. Shut out from his life almost completely. Almost. They still had their work. Or at least they did. But she knows how Robert Goren is. He closes himself off to people for a reason: to block anyone from getting too close to his heart. He doesn't want to be hurt, he's afraid of it, so he distances himself. He's been building the same wall, the wall well above his height, well above what is needed to shelter him, for most of his life now.

And Alex hung her head because she knows she'd never hurt him on purpose; she just wished he'd realize that.

But he won't even talk to me. How am I supposed to know? How am I supposed to help him when he is so fucking far away? He can't possibly drift any farther away from me, can he? What is he afraid of?

But Bobby was too cold of a man to receive any help anyway. He didn't need help and fuck anyone that tried to care for him. Alex knew he was used to taking care of himself and that saddened her.

If only he knew… If only he knew he didn't have to go through life alone…

Finally, Alex gave in and fished her cell phone out of her pocket. She dialed. It rang and rang and rang, and god she was getting anxious. She just wanted the ringing to stop. Nervousness set in as she redialed him. After the fourth ring, Alex hung up.

Damn you.

She needed to talk to Bobby. Now. Even if it ended up with the both of them screaming at each other, yelling was better than nothing.

Or so she thought.

"You stubborn bastard! Pick up the damn phone, Bobby!" She hollered and then whispered, "Please, please just pick up."

But he didn't. Instead, the ringing that started to give her a migraine continued until she finally gave up and shoved her phone back into her pocket.

Of course he won't pick up. Her mind reasoned with her. This is Bobby we're talking about. Not such a simple man; nothing he does is ever simple.

Alex wanted to drive to his place. She wanted to stay at home and not give him the satisfaction of him thinking she was worried about him. She wanted to ignore him. She wanted to hit him and then cry in the process for him. She wanted to hug him because of the feelings inside of him that she knew, she just fucking knew he was trying his best to hold in. And she wanted to cradle him in her arms because of his mother and the fact that she wasn't going to live much longer.

For so many reasons I need to see him.

All the reasons, all those reasons for crying were too late though, because she was already crying for all of those reasons and then some. She was deathly afraid of losing him to whatever demons he was holding inside of him.

I just want to hold him. I wish I could take away his pain, just for a little bit. He has so many demons…

And today just added to the list of them.

Fuck, what should I do?

And then she knew. She had to do it. She knew he didn't want to be bothered, but she needed to see him.

"I swear to god if he doesn't answer his door…" She murmured to herself as she got up, walked over to grab her purse and then made her way back towards her front door.

Then she stopped.

What would I do? What if…? No, no. Maybe he's at Carmel Ridge…

But Alex had already made up her mind to go and see him and no musing of hers was going to stop her. She needed to see him but she wasn't sure if it was for him or her. It didn't take much thought on her part either way. She was worried about him. She would more than likely deny it to anyone but him, but she was; she always would be. And she hated herself because of it. She wanted to let him suffer. She wanted that pissed off attitude back that she had on her way home but somehow, just like everything else, that emotion was swept away. She hoped that he felt bad about it all, but she shoved all those thoughts away as she drove towards her destination.

I just hope he doesn't do anything stupid…

Alex didn't know what the hell he was doing and it scared her. Sometimes he was so unpredictable. All she knew for sure is that she didn't want his little meltdown to be the end.

The end of what, she wasn't quite sure. She was afraid to even think about.

The end. The end? No. I refuse to give up. This can't be the end.

She was willing to fight 'till the end.

It can't be over yet, can it?

A/N: Still like it? I didn't get many reviews, but I did get several hits so I'm going to assume people are reading so I shall continue. More to come! Hope you're enjoying.

-Snyder-