Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Character aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

At last, a long one!

So Joanne basically forced me to talk to Collins. She yelled at me and called me a "selfish little bitch." Apparently she was stressed out from having to be the go-between for me and Collins. She wouldn't pass on any more messages for either of us. So I went to him. I'm going to try to tell/convey what happened as clearly as possible, but it is a little blurry.

Ok, so Joanne purposely made an excuse to get out of the house. And as she left she said, "I'm going out, maybe you two could, uhh, talk…or something," blatantly hinting that she intended for us to take this time to figure out what was going on. Collins was on the couch, watching TV. I was in the kitchen fixing a cup of coffee. When I was done I stayed in the kitchen, watching him intently. I think he felt like I was watching him because not much later he turned around to check and see if I was still there. He smiled. It was the first time I had seen him smile since it had happened. "It's nice to see you smiling again," I said to him, but there was no response. I took my cup of coffee over and sat on the couch. It's not a very big couch, but big enough that if I sat on the total opposite end of where he was sitting, there were about two feet between us. More silence. Since he always tended to be the more outgoing one, I was hoping that he would say something first, but he didn't, so I was going to have to break the ice. I had to do it. There was nothing else I could do. I turned to him. "Collins, listen, I'm not upset about what happened."

"You're not?" He looked at me, surprised, I think.

"No, it's cool really."

"Mark, I'm really really sorry."

"Don't be."

"No, I shouldn't have. It was totally out of place. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Really, Collins, stop, I said it was okay."

"Well I saw how uncomfortable it made you."

"I was fine, really."

"You were shaking like a freezing lunatic."

"It was cold in the apartment," my lame attempt at an excuse.

"No it wasn't. Good try though." He laughed. I laughed with him. It was still really awkward.

"I wasn't uncomfortable though. I was just…ehh…unexpecting."

"Well, I am really sorry."

"God, stop saying you're sorry. I don't want you to be sorry, you didn't do anything wrong." My voice was raised, but I didn't mean to yell at him. Collins seemed confused. "Listen, that kiss," I said to him, "I don't know what it meant to you but it meant something to me."

"What do you mean, Mark?"

"I…I don't really know what I mean, I just know that I…well…I…why didn't I back away?" I was a stuttering idiot it was it meant.

"Oh, I don't know, you were frozen in shock?"

"I mean, well I kind of was, but I don't think that was it. I wanted to be there for you, I want to help you through this."

"I know, but it was inappropriate for me to ask that much of you."

"But I didn't mind." I made sure I wasn't looking at him so that no eye contact was made. But I know he was watching me. My hands were folded across my chest and my left knee was bouncing up and down uncontrollably. He could probably tell that my heart was thumping like crazy. I had just admitted that I had enjoyed the kiss and now I was waiting for his reaction. It seemed like forever. Finally he reached over to me, leaving the two feet of space between us, but reached across my chest and took my left hand in both of his hands. I let him do it. His hands were warm, mine were freezing.

"You're hands are freezing."

"I'm a nervous wreck."

"Why."

"I don't know." I did know, but I didn't tell him. And I still didn't look at him. He let go with one hand and interlocked his fingers of his hand still holding mine, with mine. He leaned over, still keeping the two foot gap, preparing for what to come next, I closed my eyes. His free hand came to my cheek and rested there. With his guidance, I turned my head towards him, my eyes still closed. Soon thereafter, I felt his lips slowly brush against mine. The sensation was familiar, and nice. The contact broke, but then resumed, this time with more pressure than before. In my head I was relaxed, but my body was showing that I was still nervous. Suddenly, Collins pulled away.

"You're shaking like crazy." He said to me. He was close and I could feel his breath on me.

"Don't stop." I said to him, eyes jammed shut.

"What?"

"Please, don't stop." I waited for him to start again. But there was nothing.

"Mark, open your eyes," he whispered gently and I listened. I opened my eyes for the first time in about a minute. I waited for him to say something.

"What are we doing?"

"Huh?"

"I don't want you to be doing this for me."

"I know."

"So…?"

"Collins, I want this for me…I think."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah"

"Why are you crying?" A tear rolled down my cheek.

"I was just so confused this past week."

"Hey, it's okay." Why was he comforting me, when I was always the one doing the comforting?

"I enjoyed it. And I didn't know why. And I wanted to talk to you. But I couldn't. And I…I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. God, this is crazy.

"Whoa man, breathe. Hey, it's okay."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no, it's okay. I just wanted to make sure that you weren't doing this for me or anything. I definitely don't want to force you onto anything. You have to want this for yourself."

"I do…"

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"You're still shaking."

"Well I'm still a nervous wreck. My heart is pounding."

"Awww, Mark, come here."

I closed the gap. We sat, both facing the same direction so that he was behind me. He put his arms around my torso and pulled me in tight. I felt his chest on my back and his chin rested on my shoulder. I leaned my head back and to the side so that it rested on his chest. He's much taller than me. We stayed like this for a moment or two. It was so comforting to be held tightly in his arms. Gradually I began to relax. After about five minutes he whispered to me.

"You stopped shaking."

"I know." We both laughed. I lifted my head and turned towards the shoulder that his chin had been resting on. Our lips met. His arms were still tight around me but I tried to shift my body so that we were more comfortable and not straining to reach each other, but he held me there. I felt his tongue on my tightly closed lips. When I relaxed I felt his tongue slip into my mouth. I opened my mouth more, hopefully encouraging him. All I did was sit there and return the pressure from his lips. I wanted him to be in control. I had never kissed a man before, and Maureen usually tended to just skip the kissing part and move right to the sex. Joanne had taught me a little, but she didn't require much and there was never really a strong emotional attachment between us.

I think Collins realized that I was submissive to him, or at least he willingly took control. He pushed his mouth harder against mine, requiring more from me in return. I obliged, praying that the kissing technique was the same whether you were with a girl or a guy. He didn't complain so I felt a little more confident. With this, my body was now fully relaxed, and this may have been what he was waiting for. I felt him shift his body behind me, but he still held me tightly in his arms. Then, he moved one arm so that one hand was pressing against my chest and the other against my back. Lifting me up, he scooted his legs under me so that I was now in his lap and then he leaned me back, but not all the way. He kissed me hard and supported me against his own force by clasping his hands behind my back to keep me up. This, while nice, didn't last for long. He simultaneously laid my head back against a pillow, which had been strategically placed at the opposite end of the couch from where I had been sitting almost 45 minutes ago when our conversation started, and slid his legs out from under me so that I was now flat on the couch and he was on top of me. He kept his legs off to the side of mine but had an arm above each of my shoulders, keeping him up (I think he was afraid to crush me.) Once again, his lips met mine. This time, very softly, in an almost teasing sort of way. My body tingled. I became aroused, and I think he knew because I started breathing heavily again, even though I tried to hide it. My hands found their way to the side of his face, pulling him into me with another deep kiss. One of his hands rested on the crotch of my pants. I gasped. This was torture. Why would he not go any farther? He just kissed me passionately. I sighed, aching for more, but knowing I probably, wasn't going to get it, not now at least.

The door to the loft opened. Joanne was home. My heart raced again. Collins moved his hand but he was clearly still on top of me and I was obviously in bliss.

"Glad to see you two sorted things out." She said, trying to be sincere and not laugh, both Collins and I blushed. "I'm just going to put these groceries away. Don't let me get in the way."

Collins leaned down and kissed me one last time, and then we both sat up.

So it turns out things aren't really as blurry as I thought they were. Something tells me I won't be forgetting this in the near future.

~ Mark