I Feel A Cliché A' Coming…
The True Evil of Mary-Sue Characters in Sea Patrol
For Sam
Part One…
She was tall, slender and drop dead gorgeous. That part went without saying. Her long honey-blond hair curled over her shoulders in a Farrah Fawcett-esque hairstyle that, naturally, looked perfect with her full-dress uniform and peaked hat. Her skin had a light tan to it suggesting she wasn't foreign, just the kind of person that got a lot of sun. And her smile, bright and wide, could light up a room. But more than beautiful she was brilliant. At only 25 she was already a Lieutenant, had been second in charge to some of the biggest ships in the Australian Navy, and graduated top of her class her entire life. Dux of her school and fast-tracked through Recruit School and Officer Candidate School, she is the best in the business. It also helps that she's Commander Marshall's niece (aren't they always related to someone we know?). To anyone that knows characterisation and a decent plot, she's the kind of Mary-Sue you could spot 25 clicks away, but for the purpose of plot progression, we will pretend we didn't notice.
As she walks across the docks, striding like a supermodel with her hair swaying in almost perfect slow motion, the men of the Hammersley are drawn by impulse to the deck to watch her walk towards them. Buffer's eyes are popping out of his head with sheer happiness. He's never seen anyone like her before. Charge, who god knows hasn't got a chance in HELL, refrains from a wolf whistle (because poor Charge, who never gets a good storyline, has had to revert into a chauvinist pig to get people to realise he's still there) and just grins stupidly. ET is no longer listening to Nikki talking about their bright future and how much she loves him but has wandered out with them to Nav's disgust. Mike has already ticked the boxes and is wondering which of the two Lieutenants he already has under his command (and is usually the maximum on a ship this small) is going to have to find another job. And Spider is unconscious with sheer joy. His little brain has exploded with happiness. Poor mite. Meanwhile our Mary-Sue, I mean new Lieutenant, pretends to be completely oblivious to the looks and boards the Hammersley. Mike, as our brave captain, is the first to shake her hand.
"You must be Lieutenant Marshall (related to Steve Marshall remember), welcome to the Hammersley."
She smiles and flicks her hair again. Charge almost stops breathing. Spider is dead. "Please…" she coos in a voice that could melt butter, "call me Honey."
Honey, her impossibly perfect nickname, suits her perfectly. She's sweet… to the point of being sickly. But no one on the deck really minds. Lieutenant Halatina (because they always have a stupidly exaggerated, almost foreign but more like something your doctor would prescribe if you had Athlete's Foot, name) 'Honey' Marshall is the most amazing woman in the history of, well, ever…
***
It goes without saying that the women hate her. Naturally it's jealously, and before long the men of the Hammersley have pointed that out to them. Kate, who once commanded respect from her crew during boarding parties, has been replaced. Honey, apparently, has a lot more experience in boarding parties. Perfect. Kate retires to her cabin and plots the perfect way to kill off Honey. But like that's ever gonna happen. The ship could blow up and she'd survive. She's JUST THAT PERFECT!
Honey is, of course, a Navigator and quickly replaces Nikki on the bridge. Nikki, determined for her own revenge, retires to her cabin to plot the perfect way to bring Honey down off her pedestal. But that's not gonna happen. Honey is an amazing Navigator, has won everyone on the bridge over with her awesome stories, and has shamelessly flirted with everyone at least twice. She's JUST THAT PERFECT.
That night, after setting sail, everyone heads off to one of Bomber's delicious meals. As everyone is grabbing plates they allow Honey to go ahead of them. She should eat first, really, she's JUST THAT… well, you get it. As she reaches the meals bar she looks down at dinner. It's Bomber's specialty – roast lamb and baked vegies. Honey takes a potato and everyone watches on. Despite having liked Bomber's food up until now, if Honey doesn't like it the chef will have to go. Honey thinks the vegies need more salt. Bomber concurs. Bomber receives death stares. Bomber grabs a knife and threatens Honey. Mike who walks in at the Most Perfect Time Ever™ dismisses Bomber. Bomber retires to her cabin to plan her revenge.
Meanwhile Honey, apart from being Navigator and leader of the Boarding Party, remakes dinner. It's 1000 times better than Bomber's. Then, the seas unusually quiet, clearly they know Honey is on board the Hammersley, they all retire to bed. The boys dream about Honey. The girls dream about revenge. Honey doesn't dream – you don't need to when you're JUST THAT PERFECT…
Part Two…
The rest of the week runs smoothly. In her brilliance Honey has been able to spot three different sets of illegal drug traffickers, four lots of black marketers and ten ships of illegal fishermen. But, their last day out before shore leave, they're at a loss. There's nothing to do and everyone is bored. Instead of doing necessary jobs, they decide to play a game (because when Mary-Sues come into stories all the other characters suffer serious losses of maturity) and Honey suggests hide and seek. All the men are impressed and run and hide. The women call a meeting in the Senior Sailor's Mess to bring down Honey. Whilst searching for the men Honey finds out, locks them all in the Mess and leaves them to die. None of the men will mind because they have Honey now. She finds Buffer first in a random cupboard and surprises him by crawling in after him and suggesting they 'stop the games and get serious'. Buffer is ecstatic.
Don't come knocking if the cupboard is a rocking…
Yeah, you get the picture.
After she leaves him, smitten and very tired from the, ahem, exercise, she continues the game. In turn she finds and manages to sway to her cause both ET and Swain. She won't touch Charge, Spider is too young and emo-RO is not up her street at all. Hey, she may be a tactless Mary-Sue who is hell bent on the destruction of all things plot-related, but she has taste! Deeming ET too immature and Swain too married (like that ever stopped her at all, but in all honesty that Sally could smack Honey down ten times without breaking a sweat and Honey knows which battles to pick), she picks Buffer as her perfect man. He doesn't seem to mind being singled out either. In fact they spend the entire night in Buffer's cabin finding out how perfect they are together.
Mike, who somehow got neglected in this (as he always does, unless of course it's an Mike-related piece at which point he gets horribly dragged out of character and spends the day drinking pinacoladas and reminiscing about his days as Bjorn in an ABBA cover band), is jealous and declares war on Buffer. The pair fight and Buffer wins. With the other Lieutenants gone and Mike put in his place (then subsequently thrown overboard), Honey becomes captain of the Hammersley. And who didn't see that one coming…
***
The next day, as they reach HMAS Cairns, Honey reveals her new plans for the Hammersley. From now on they will refer to it as the HMAS Honey, she will be appointed all the jobs she wants, and Buffer will be instantly ranked as her second in charge. Chief Petty Officer Thorpe, who should be second in charge according to rank, throws a tantrum that would make a three-year-old give him a strange look. He's dragged away by Naval Police. Swain stays quiet and takes a rank cut. He's now a Leading Seaman again. Honey also reveals their new crewmates. They are her ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher (because some dumb American celebrity always makes their way into a good Mary Sue story somewhere) and her two brothers.
Ashton, after Punking both RO (who runs off crying in true emo-RO fashion) and Swain, suggests they rename the ship the 'Shwam'. So, with permission from Honey's uncle Commander Marshall, they rename the ship the HMAS Shwam. They set sail almost straightaway – what is obligatory shore leave anyway?
The women are still locked in the Mess. Mike is bobbing in the ocean somewhere. Spider remains dead…
Part Three
The HMAS Shwam, with new captain and crew, come across a group of feisty illegal fishermen two days later. When they stick their poles out in an attempt to get the RHIB away, Honey, whose boarding party it is (of course) simply beats the poles away with her almost superhuman strength and boards the ship. She takes down the captain and two others before the rest of the boarding party join her. They manage to bust the biggest fishing operation in the southern hemisphere and the HMAS Shwam goes home to get their medals. For the sake of the ceremony, Mike is fished from the ocean and the women are let out of the Mess. It isn't a good move. They've planned their revenge…
***
Honey sleeps soundly in her captain's cabin that night, new medals pinned to her uniform. She doesn't hear the door creak open and the four figures enter the room. They jump the sleeping cabin only to find Buffer in bed beside her. Turning on their crewmate, they bind him up in only his boxers (good image ladies?) and tie him to the flagpole at the stern of the ship. Meanwhile Nav and Kate, using some of Bomber's best steak knives, go at Honey until there is little left. After committing the perfect murder, they wrap her in her bed sheets and throw her off the edge of the ship…
Finally they are free of the Mary-Sue Cliché…
***
Ten days later a figure, mermaid-like in her appearance, washes up on the Australian coastline remarkably close to HMAS Cairns. She flicks back her honey-blond hair and bats her long eyelashes. Despite the fifty stab wounds in her chest and stomach, she's alive.
Just in the time for the sequel…
For all Mary-Sue writers: If you recognize anything in this fic, that's NOT a good thing…