Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

I didn't sleep all night. I just laid there thinking. Things swirling around in my head in total mass chaos. Things that hadn't entered my head once since those first couple of days after Collins kissed me were now suddenly flooding back into my head. I thought of Angel and the love and all the great things she brought to our group. She got Roger out of the house, she tried to keep Maureen and Joanne, and Roger and Mimi from fighting. It was the first time Collins had ever loved someone. She helped us all to grow so much. And then she was gone, just as fast as she had entered our lives, less than a year later, she was gone from our eyes, but not from our hearts. I cried. Then there was the time when Roger went to Santa Fe. I was so lonely here in the house. I had no idea what the hell I was doing with my life. Had Roger been right when he yelled at me before he left? Then he came back and we thought things would be fine, but we couldn't find Mimi. Then there was Christmas Eve when we found her but almost lost her. She was about to slip, like Angel had, but we got lucky. Roger was given a second chance. But they knew it wouldn't last long. They spent every minute they could with each other and with us, me and the others. Roger had a lot of apologizing to do, a lot to make up for in a very little amount of time, but he managed, and he died a happy man. The fact that he was happy should have made me happy but it didn't. I was miserable. I should have been ready, I had more than 2 years to prepare, but he was my best friend, I didn't want him to go. Of course Mimi, Collins, Joanne, Maureen and even Benny were there for me like I had been for them in years past, but that couldn't change anything. I cried some more. After that our family crumbled. Mimi used up her nine lives and Maureen decided to move west. All of a sudden 8 was down to three, Benny doesn't count, even though we're nice to each other, things will never be like they were when he still lived with us. I cried. Not over Benny but over all the good memories and great laughs that our family had together. That chapter of the book is done now. I should be able to close it and move on. I'm a new person. I'm older, I'm wiser, and well, my family is a little smaller, but I'm different. Yet still, there are times when I want to take that closed book from its shelf and flip through the pages, remembering the old times, the old me. I cried some more. I don't know why I cried, it just needed to happen.

Night went by very slowly and then I watched the sun rise behind the shades in Joanne's room. There is no clock in her room. I had lost total track of the time, it felt like days and yet I didn't want to get off the bed. I just laid there, wide awake. Sometime before noon Joanne came in.

"I made some tea."

"No thanks." I didn't look at her, I just spoke from where my head was lying.

"Right. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"Did you sleep?"

"No."

"I heard you crying all night long, just wanted to make sure you weren't dehydrated or anything."

I laughed. Joanne is always good for a laugh. "Thanks, but I think I'm alright."

"Okay, suit yourself. I take it you don't plan on getting out of bed anytime soon?"

"Not really."

"Okay. Well when your ready I'm sure there's something exciting to do. It's not like we live in New York City or anything."

"Maybe later."

"Alright," she left.

"Joanne," I called after her.

"Yeah?"

"Did Collins come back?"

"What?"

"Did he come back, from his walk?"

"Yeah, he came back last night. I doubt he slept either." I didn't respond, I just waited for her to leave again.

Not long after I could hear voices out in the main room again.

"He asked about you."

"He did?"

"Wanted to make sure you came home."

"Oh."

"He cried all night long."

"God. I feel like shit. I want to go be with him, but I don't know what he'd do."

"I think you're okay now."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Don't say anything. Just go lay with him."

Collins came into Joanne's room. I was curled up on my side, on top of the bed, facing away from the door. I was crying and shaking. I felt Collins lay down behind me. He put his chest right up against my back and an arm over me grasping my hand that was lying next to my stomach. With his other hand he smudged the tears off my cheek and then started stroking my hair. He held me against him tighter than he ever had before, but I was still shaking. Not a word was said. We both fell asleep this way.

~ Mark