Chapter four

I sat in my bed. I hadn't moved since I stormed out of Bella's room. I sat there, even though Bella had told me dinner was ready. I didn't want to eat. She had even come up here. Finally, Charlie stuck his head in the door. "Uh, Kat, we're eating now." He informed me.

I nodded. "I know."

There was a silence, then finally, Charlie walked in fully, turning the lights on and putting his hands on his hips. "Katrina Cross Swan, I will not go through this again. The only reason why I didn't say this to Bella was because you're stronger. Now, I don't care that you had your heart broken. We've all been through it in this house. Now, I want you to walk down stairs and eat. I don't care if I have to get Bella to shove it down your throat. Now move!" I stared at him for a moment, then moved off my ed to walk down stairs.

Lover boy and Shopaholic were at the table, too. I'm not sure if Charlie liked that, but whatever. As I watched Bella and Edward just stare at each other, something in my brain clicked. Bella wasn't insane for going into that zombie state when Edward left. No, if she was insane then I am. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not mental. I sat down next to Edward. He looked at me odd. I wasn't aloud to sit next to him apparently. Well, no. It was just weird because I never did.

I looked back at him, then hugged him. He was hard as rock and cold as ice. The exact opposite of--NO! I shouted at myself mentally and I released Edward. "Sorry I've been so hostile. You too, Shopaholic." I said in the direction of Alice.

I didn't talk, though, while I ate. I wasn't in the mood. Everyone saw that and shut their mouths. Dinner was okay, grilled chicken and rice.

The Cullens didn't eat, though. They never did. I ignored that and finished quickly. I had tried to leave a few times, but Charlie said I had to eat more. I ended up having three pieces and at least five servings of rice. I was actually hungry enough to eat it, but I didn't want to do anything. I got up and went straight to my room. There was a knock and I didn't answer.

Bella came in and turned the lights on. Everyone kept doing that! let me sulk in peace and darkness! She walked over to my bed and sat down, wrapping her arms around me and pulling my close. I stayed curled into a ball and Bella rested her head on mine. "Tell me what happened." It wasn't even a "You wanna tell me what happened." Just straight out tell me.

I sighed. "I'm only gonna talk about it once." I mumbled.

Bella nodded. "Well, first," I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I love Jacob and I always have. Today, I was hanging out in the woods and I saw him walking around. I might have pissed him off when I played this song, talking about how this one guy would love this girl more then this other guy. As a joke, you know. But anyway, he just glared at me and kept walking. I swung down and walked behind him. He turned around, and just yelled, 'I don't wanna talk to you, just leave!' and stuff like that. I hugged him and asked him what happened.

"He, well," I bit my lip to hold back the tears. "Some how, he knew I loved him, but I never told anyone because I knew he liked you, and I kinda thought I, well, wasn't good enough. You know? Like he would be embarrassed to ever be seen with me because how I look and stuff. Well, he just," I took a deep breath. "He just flat out said he didn't love me and I should just go home because he'll never love me."

I sniffed and laid my head against her.

Bella was still, until she moved out from under me. She didn't look at me while she said, "I'm gonna go make a call."

I tried to catch her. "No Bella, don't! He was right. I should just leave him alone." I had dropped my volume as I said the last sentence.

Bella didn't listen as she walked out.

Wah wah wah, bitch and moan about how I'm gonna put in two harmless Bella POVs

I picked the phone up with unnecessary roughness. I dialed the numbers and tapped my foot as I waited.

"Hello?" It was Billy.

"Billy? I really need to talk to Jacob." I growled into the phone. i tried to calm myself.

Billy paused. "He, uh, can't ta--"

"Billy we went through this before. I know you're lying so you can just give him the phone." I said impatiently.

There was a sigh and then the phone moved from one set of hands to another. "Bella?" Jacob's voice was soft.

"Dammit Jacob! Did you have to be so hard on her?! Do you know what you just did?!" I half yelled into the phone. I didn't want Kat to hear this.

Jacob let his breath out. "Yeah, I do. I'm sorry, I just..." Jacob groaned at a loss of words. "I just, I didn't know any better way. Ignoring her didn't work, and you know I couldn't try any harder! It was the only thing I could think of in that short amount of time..." He whispered.

I took a deep breath, lowering my voice so no one would have a chance at hearing. "Jacob," I spoke slowly. "I care about you, but not enough to let you do something like this! She's probably dead inside because of that one fucking sentence!" Kat's cussing had worn off on me. "How did you even know? Did you just guess and hopped she would be heart broken?" I asked.

"No, I just see things you don't. And it's kinda killing me, too. I can't stand to look at myself. I'm so disgusted...."

"Jacob, I can't sympathize. I just hope you know I'll blame her suicide on you." I didn't let him say anything. I hung up the phone and turned so my back was to the wall. I rested up against it.

"Lord, I pray she doesn't do anything stupid, like I planned on..."

There, okay? That wasn't so bad. Here, it's back to Kat. Lord have flippin' mercy....

The sun shone through my curtains, making golden streaks appear on my floor. I through the covers off and reached my toes out to touch the wood. It was cold and caused shivers to go up my spine. I walked outside my room to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. My hair was fucked up and I forgot to take my mascara off last night. I looked horrible.

I took a quick shower and combed my hair out. I looked in the mirror. "Ew, no wonder no one wants you." I said to my reflection. I let my hair air dry as I moved to my closet to get a purple and grey striped tank top and a long white skirt that scraped the floor wherever I walked. I slipped it on, having to bring the hem of my skirt up to right below my chest, and walked back into the bathroom. I pulled my usual make-up out, but then decided there was no point.

I looked at myself. My bottom lip began to quiver as I realized how truly beautiful I was without the piercings and eyeliner. That was basically who I was, rings, rods, and make-up. I let only a few tears escape before deciding I needed out of this house.

I slipped my brown flip flops on and walked down the steps. I had those in my closet because of how little I wore them. I grabbed the keys and went out the door. Not taking my iPod or cell phone.

I drove over to the cliffs at First beach. There was no one there, mostly because the clouds were grey and the air was warm, showing it was about to rain bad. I didn't care. I sat on a rock that let me over see the whole ocean. The wind through my hair around me and for once, I didn't care. I didn't care how I looked. Weird.

I through my head back and inhaled, taking in the salty air. Suddenly, I just started to hum random tunes, until it turned into, "Close to you" by the Carpenters.

"Why do birds, suddenly appear, every time, you are near? Just like me, they long to be close to you. Why do stars fall down from the sky? Every time you walk by just like me they long to be close to you..." I trailed off as the music ran through my head. I don't think singing love songs and standing on top of an, at least, fifty foot cliff after you had been heart broken. I think it all adds to one thing.

Suicide

But I wasn't suicidal, or at least I haven't contemplated it. But who knows? I don't think Bella planned on jumping off that cliff. She still did it. Speaking of cliffs...I'm pretty sure I was standing on the exact one she jumped from. I walked over to the edge and looked below me. Waves hit the side and crashed around. My toes were hanging off the edge the whole time. I guess it looks like I was about to jump, but I'm not suicidal.

"Kat?"

My hands clenched into fists by my sides. I closed my eyes. "Go away, Jacob." I said slowly.

"What are you doing?" He asked, ignoring me.

I snorted. "Like you would care even if I was about to jump." I said, looking down at the raging current.

"Kat," Jacob said softly. I didn't turn. "Kat." He said a bit louder. "Dammit Kat! Turn around!" He growled. I slowly turned to face him.

I raised my eyebrows. "Yes?"

Jacob was angry, like, really angry. His hands shook at his sides. He took a step forward and I took one back. "You wanted me to leave you alone." I offered.

Jacob calmed himself. "Could you just listen for a second?" He asked quietly.

I shook my head, laughing slightly. "I did my listening. Now I want you to leave."

"No you don't." Jacob said. "You want me here. You want to be with me."

Jacob took another step forward, but I couldn't move back. If I did, I would fall off the cliff. I shook my head again. "No, Jacob, I wanted you here, but not now. Now, I know that you don't love me, and all the time you waste on me is just going to hurt me even more. So just leave, please."

Jacob moved forward again. I felt the tears start. "Just go," I whispered.

I closed my eyes and felt Jacob's fiery arms move themselves around me. It was like steel, I couldn't escape, not matter how much I wanted to. "I really hate you."

"You have every right to." He said.

I fought, trying to get out of his grip. He was making this so confusing. I couldn't handle it. One second, he's yelling at me to leave him alone, the next he won't let me go for anything. Jacob moved his one arm to under my knees. He lifted me up so I was being carried bridal style. He sat down on one of the rocks beside us. Jacob stoked my cheek, moving a strand of hair out of the way. "You look so beautiful." He said quietly.

"Jacob please, let me go."

"Why?"

I took a deep breath. "Because, I know you only did this because it looked like I was about to jump. Right when you think I'm safe, you're going to leave again. And, I just can't handle that."

Jacob held me closer. "You're not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere."

I felt hazy, sleepy. "Jacob, I'm tired. I should go--"

"If you're sleepy, you're not driving anywhere." He cut me off.

I was really starting to hate him. Mostly because he was right. This is exactly where I wanted to be. I wanted to be in his arms, I wanted him to show love for me. I wanted a lot of things from him, things I'd never have.

Then the haziness took over.

Okay, shut up. It's either this or you wake up confused not knowing what happened.

Suddenly I heard the truck outside. I let out my breath. i was so worried Kat had....

I waited for her to come in. I sat on the recliner, I was reading but now I was too occupied with her. Just then, Jacob came through the door, holding Kat. I shot up. "She's just sleeping." Jacob said.

I sat back down as he moved over to the couch. I glared at him the whole time. "What was she doing?" I asked.

I asked that because I already knew the answer. Jacob sighed. "She was standing on the edge of a cliff. She said she wasn't going to jump but..."

"Yeah,"

We sat in silence for a minute. Jacob stared down at the girl in his arms. His eyes showing immense amounts of love.

The way he looks at her....I thought to myself as I watched. Finally, I sighed. "Jacob, this is unfair to her. She has a right to know. If you feel the same way, she needs to know what you are."

Jacob ran his hand across her cheek. "She'd never love a monster..." It seemed as though he had said it to himself.

I stood up, bringing my book, and walked over to Jacob. I hit his head with the cover. "You're an idiot."

Jacob rubbed his head. "Ow?" His tone made it seem like a question.

"There are few differences between me and Kat. She loves music, attention, and she looks different. Those are the only things!"I sat next to him and lowered my voice. "She'll be able to handle it. I know her."

Jacob bit his lip, debating in his head weather or not he should tell her. I stood back up and went up the stairs to my room.

There, you see how short that was?