A.N. Here is Chapter 3, WHOO-PEE! BTW, Taylor. I probably will never get published. I am honestly not that good. And sorry. I write stories, not correct them. I would if I could, but I can't so I won't. HA!
Discliamer: What do you think?
Chapter 3: Jail-Time with Emmett and American Twidol
EPOV
I couldn't believe that Bella did that to me. That little vixen. I saw the cop coming around and gritted me teeth. Charlie. He looked a little to happy for the fact that it was his son-in-law behind the wheel.
Hmmm. . . Never liked him. Or his "big" Brother. Might not have caused trouble while they were in school. But now, two in one night. And I don't think that this will be last that I've seen of them. Must be a Bachelor Party or something. Charlie walked around to the car smelling like dog. Must be hanging around with the wolves.
"Edward!? Bells. How you doing?" he asked faking concern and shock.
"Were fine, Dad. Just heading off to some party or another," Bella replied.
"Well, I'm afraid the party is going to have to wait tonight. Your husband here was speeding way-ha-hay over the limit. Swerving, too. I'm sorry Edward, but I'm going to have to bring you in to spend the night so I can conduct a mandatory drug and alcohol test. Just to make sure, of course." He chuckled.
I hated how he spoke like I wasn't present. It reminded me of when Bella was still human. He would ignore me completely from "Hello" until we got to "Get out."
Finally! Something to get him for. Bells will finally realize that him and most of his family are not for her. She'll probably divorce him. Jake can help with Ness, he won't mind and she already has him wrapped around her tiny fingers. Maybe they'll finally get together and she'll have a "real" Dad, Charlie thought hopefully.
Ah-hem, Charlie. I am right here and I am her "real" Father! I didn't want to hurt him, but he was making it really hard.
Laughing out loud Charlie said, "Edward, I'm gonna need you to step out of the car and turn around. Hands behind your back." He hand-cuffed me and headed to the car, pulling me along.
Him and the big one! This is hilarious! I can't wait to see Jake's reaction.
Great, he's gonna tell the wolves. Knowing them, they'll overeact and start a war, saying that we "Endangered the lives of innocent humans by our reckless driving! Ness, come over and join our side! You belong with Jake and the pack!" Blah, blah, blah. I'm not normally this rude, but God. This was frustrating. Wait, something he thought. "Him and the big one"? Emmett? What does he have to do with this?
Charlie led me to the car and I knew. There was "The big one." Sitting in the back of the car looking like the cat that ate the canary sat my brother: Emmett McCarty Cullen. Oh God, Rose would be pissed.
Apparently, Emmett thought, singing under the "influence" is illegal. Did you know that? Cause' I sure as heck didn't.
"No talking." Someone was struggling to hold back laughs from the front. I looked up and met eyes with none other than the child who wanted to take away my wife and then my baby, Jacob Black. No wonder it smelled like wet dog.
Emmett started babbling, interrupting my thoughts. Jerk. (A.N. That one's for you Taylor!) I know what you're thinking, but I didn't do anything. I was just walking along singing quietly to myself when Charlie and the dog pulled up. They arrested me saying I was drunk and yaddah yaddah. But, we unfortunately cannot get drunk. They found beer bottles in my car, though. They smelled like dog, not beer. Traitor. I shared my Xbox with that guy! We were supposed to be like this! He mimed, crossing his fingers and beating them against his chest. He looked ready to cry. Baby.
We arrived at the jail and were led inside to be processed. The dog laughing the whole time.
So, Bloodsucker. Arrested for driving under the influence. Not so perfect now, are you? And your Brother, too. Blondie is gonna be ticked off. I would stay out of her way if I was you. Probably for the next few decades or something. Maybe Ness can come live with me for safety.
Over my dead ashes.
Charlie told Jacob to take care of me while he took pictures of Emmett. This situation might not be funny now, but Emmett intended to make it. I could tell from his thoughts and his facial expressions that he had a plan, and that it consisted of revenge, Barbie dolls, and chinese finger traps. Oh great.
After he was done with Emmett's mug shots, Charlie brought me in and told me to face the camera and do anything but smile. I decided to gloat. I had his daughter and granddaughter, and there was nothing that the dog could do about it. No matter how much either of them wished. Jacob had imprinted on her, but until she was eighteen years old, not just looking like it, she belonged to me and her mother.
Charlie didn't like the gloating face and decided to show me his strength when he pulled me over to the finger-printing device, yanking me arm only to flinch away from the rock-hardness as Emmett would put it.
Jacob didn't look too happy when I came out. Must have talked to Emmett, who was still mad at his Xbox traitor.
We were led to the cell only to find that we weren't the only ones in it tonight. There was some guy, drunk "as well" on the cot inside. He was about 5.2, a real scrawny fellow. He looked like a mini, ugly Alice. Ha ha once more.
"Jake, why don't you do the honors. Steve's been in there for a while now, and since it's your first day as deputy for Career Week, you can do it." Charlie said.
"Gee, thanks Charlie. That'll make my day!" Jacob replied, looking straight at me, grinning from ear to ear.
As soon as Charlie walked away, Jacob slammed the cell door in our faces. Gloating.
"Watch it, Mongrel! We are not afraid to break out of here." Emmett said.
"Please. You're all to concerned about the lie do to anything. Plus, there's a security camera behind me. They'd know your secret," He warned.
"You don't think were fast enough to block the camera?" Emmett yelled.
"Em! Shut up." I said
"Relax, Eddie-boy. You know I'm right," Jacob taunted.
"Watch it Jacob, don't want your words to come back and bite you in the butt," Emmett defended me, baring his large, white teeth.
That did scare him though. Jacob snorted and walked back to the front, fear still clear in his eyes and his nose scrunched up.
Whoa. . . Where am I? Who are they? I'm totally wast--- Oooooooooh, I wish I had some fish on beans right now. That would hit the spot.
Fish on beans? "Steve" must be completely wasted right now. I wonder if it hurts as much as they really think it does?
Emmett crossed to the corner of the cell, motioning for me to follow him.
"Okay." He whispered as quietly as he could. "I don't want the dog to hear us. I plan on revenge."
Normally, I would not agree to this asinine plan, but tonight was not a normal night. On a normal night, Bella and I would be tucking Renesmee into bed right about now, then going to bed ourselves.
"Let's do it." I said excitedly.
He stared at me, perplexed by my sudden agreement. "Are you sure, little brother? You won't get in trouble with your wifey?"(A.N. That's for you, Kate and Tawny! Happy Birthday!)
"Just get on with it already! Before I change my mind!" I told him.
"Whatever, it's your funeral."He mumbled.
"What, Bella can get mad at me and Rose won't get mad at you?" I asked.
"Nah, she's used to it. Now, here's the plan . . . "
*
A few hours later
*
Jacob walked around the corner, grinning like an idiot. Why? Because he was holding our "dinner".
Steamed Brusselsprouts, Macaroni and Cheese, Salisbury Steak, and a Brownie. Nasty looking stuff.
"Le-Chef cooked this up special for you. It's been a while since he actually had someone to cook for. Here. OH! And since there isn't many of you, you get TWO Brownies! Aren't you so excited?!" He grinned.
"Ooooohh! Two Brownies?!" Emmett yelled. "Eddie, can I have yours?" He asked, turning to me.
"SURE YOU CAN, EMMETT!" I yelled right in the dog's ear. He winced. Ha, ha, wait for it. HA!
"Yippee!! This is the best day ever!"Emmett yelled. He pulled out an Ashley Tisdale Barbie Doll from his pocket and starting singing while I played the Harmonica. Also from his pocket.
"Ladies and Gentleman," He said before he started, while looking at Jacob. "Welcome to. . .
AMERICAN TWIDOL!"
You get the Best of Both Worlds
Chill it out, take it slow
Then you rock out the show
You get the Best of Both Worlds
Mix it all together and you know that it's the Best of Both Worlds
For a Barbie, that doll was flexible.
"Umm, that's a Hannah Montana song, not Ashley Tisdale. Her theme-song is called "Fabulous"," Jake sneered.
"How do you know that, Powder-Puff?" Emmett asked.
"Ness," he answered.
"Oh yeah, well prove it!" I challenged.
"Fine." The dog's pride was hurting apparently.
It's out with the old
In with the new
Goodbye clouds of gray
Hello skies of blue
A dip in the pool
A trip to the spa
And those days with my shades
The whole world according to Mwa-ha
He was dancing in the aisle. Miming the lyrics and hand motions.
Ice tea imported from England
Lifegaurds imported from Spain
He pointed to Steve. I forgot he was there. He didn't look Spanish.
Towels imported from Turkey
And Turkey imported from Mai-i-a-i-aine
He had picked up our dinner and Emmett had thrown him a blanket from one of the cots. He slapped the steak against his butt, then against the cell bars, then onto the blanket. He then wrapped it up and bit into it.
Gonna Relax and Renew
You! Go! Do!
I want Fabulous
It is my simple request
All things fabulous
Bigger, and Better, and Best
On Bigger he pointed to Emmett.
Better: Steve
Best: Him. No suprise there. Totally and completely insane, but unsurprising.
Need something inspiring to help me get along
Need something fabulous
Is that so wrong?
With him, it was wrong on soooo many ways.
Hmmm, where did Jake get off too? He said that he was just gonna go deliver dinner to the convicts. Charlie was giggling at the mention of me behind bars. Great. I'll go check on them. He's probably still there, talking. Or gloating. He deserves to gloat. He got Bells, Jake got them behind bars.
I nodded to Emmett, phase one was a-go.
"FOOD FIGHT!" Emmett yelled. He shoved the trays into Jacob's hands, grabbing the gooeyist food in the process. He handed me some and slammed Macaroni and Cheese into Jacob's face, hoping to provoke him. It looks like it worked.
Jacob looked up from the trays, startled and angry. He looked like he was on fire. Shaking all over the place, cheese flying off him in the process. Oh, that would be a wonderful sight. Charlie knew about the wolves, so all he had to do was walk in and look down. Where there once was a boy about 6.9, there would now be a ten foot tall horse-like dog, quivering on the ground covered in cheese from head to toe.
I grabbed brownies and shoved them in his pants, and Brussel Sprouts down his shirt. He was wearing his "Deputy for the Week" uniform. Polyester everything tucked in the pants and shiny shoes. Well, once shiny shoes now covered in gravy.
Emmett looked at me for a second, I nodded twice. We both pushed Jacob chest-down on the ground, trays underneath him and ran to the cots. We covered up in the Blankets and went to sleep, having already destroyed the Food Fight part of the tape when Jacob wasn't looking. What then.
"Jake?! What the. . . " Charlie's voice said.
"It wasn't me! It was--" I could see him look over to us in Charlie's mind.
"It was who, Jake? Steve, Emmett, and Edward are all asleep." Yes, Charlie. Believe that we are all innocently asleep. Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Ah man, I sound like Alice.
"Edward and Emmet. They took the food and threw it, then handed me back the trays and pushed me down so it would look like I fell!!" He stammered.
"Do you have any proof? They look pretty asleep to me." Charlie asked. Thank you wonderful acting skills!
"The tape! I told them about the securtity tape! Go check it! You'll see!" Jake realized.
"I thougtht I told you not to tell the prisoners about the camera? If they try to escape, and succeed, we know how they did it and what to fix so it doesn't happen again."Charlie yelled, sounding mad.
"I was gloating." Jake said. He sounded like Nessie when she wanted to get her way. Pouting left and right and talking with the most adorable voice. She learned it all from Alice, darn Pixie.
Good for him. A boy needs to brag every once and a while. But about the tapes?! Gosh darn't. "Come on let's go check them." Charlie told him.
"Kay, be right there." Jacob said.
Charlie walked off, leaving a Cheese-drenched dog behind him.
"Ohhh, I've got you now! I'm gonna get you, and your little fangs, too!" And with that Jacob stormed off.
"Fangs? What fangs?" Emmett asked.
JPOV
Ohhhh, they were going to get it now. Uh-huh. They're in for it. There's a tape, proof. Nothing will be forgotten.
I followed Charlie into the back room. He probably thought that I was crazy, laughing like I was with wild eyes. Oh well, they were in for it.
Charlie unlocked the door and ushered me inside. He locked the door behind him and went to turn the tape on. There it was, ha ha ha ha ha. The focus stayed on me, coming in to give them their "dinner". It showed the big one, laughing and pulling a harmonica out of his pocket and handing it to Edward, then pulling a doll out. It showed him dancing around with the doll, singing. Then handing it to me. I started singing, quite well I might add, then dancing around, pointing everywhere and shaking my butt.
I turned to Charlie and he wasn't laughing, or shaking his head because the proof was about to come. He was glaring, anger evident in his eyes. Crap, I looked like a fool on tape. A fool with no regard for the rule about no interaction with prisoners, espicially interactions of this kind.
"I trusted you, Jacob." He said, and I didn't miss that he said my full name. "I rooted for you, wanted you to win. I planted the seed of getting with you in her head, and if this is how you repay me, you're no better than him."
"Now, come with me," he said. He didn't seem angry before, just dissappointed. Now, his face was tinted purple, and I felt sorry for Bella and the Bloodsucker if this is what he was like when they told him they were getting married.
He led me to the room to get processed and I knew what was going to happen. I was gonna be locked up in a cell for God knows how long, with two Bloodsuckers and human that made it impossible to escape the easy way. Crap, once again.
EPOV
"Not so easy being behind bars, is it, Mongrel?" I asked.
"It would be fine if you were in solitary, but I guy can only dream." Jacob replied.
Charlie had seen the tapes, and Jacob was now sitting in here, locked up, with us. Emmett had gotten revenge, or so I thought. He was right, though. I was beginning to wish that I was in solitary. Between longing for Bella, Emmett's vile thoughts and fantasies, Jacob's just being here, and Leonard, (Drunk dude decided he had a different name) I was losing it. We would of escaped ages ago, but Leonard –Lenny as he had said to call him – was sober enough to remember if any of us did anything at all. So far, the only thing remotely comic about this situation was walking in after being processed to find a bottle from Alice, sitting on the sink.
-*Flashback*-
"Ed, what are we gonna do about the drug tests? I heard from Carlisle that they need pee samples!" Emmet whispered urgently.
"Yes, Emmett. They require urine samples for the drug an alcohol tests. If alcohol and drug traces can be found in the urine, then there is enough in the body to become intoxicated. You can also tell how recently each was ingested. It helps to tell if the person went over the legal limit," I told him. Gosh, he was an idiot sometimes. (O.o)
Urine, legal limits, intoxicated. God, Eddie. I knew that you went to Med School and that you're a certified doctor, but still. This is not "I'm a smartiepants so I can say whatever I want cause' my wife won't beat me up for it and yours will cause' my wife isn't as hard-core as yours" so just SHUT UP! Okay!? This is "Bella, Rose, come rescue us cause' were stuck in jail with a drunk guy, a moronic dog, and your father. HELP!" So there, just chill! Emmett finished his rant.
We walked in and saw two bottles full of a yellow substance on the sink. Gross. On the bottles there was a note, taped with hot pink velvet duct tape. (A.N. They sell that stuff in Office Supply Stores. I have some, IN THREE COLORS!) The note said:
Yes, this is my fault.
No, you cannot kill me.
Your welcome.
Alice
P.S. The pee is real, don't ask where I got it.
Real pee, pink ink and duct tape, smiley faces. Whoo-hoo, this night is just getting better and better.
-*End Flashback*-
A.N. So there's the chapter, hope you liked it and thought that it was funny.(Cause' I didn't) Thank Tay for the Barbie doll and harmonica. Oh, and for Jacob to be in the car. Thank me for Leonard, the food fight, and "American Twidol". Ba-Bye forevacullens fans! C U Laterz! (OME, I sounded sooooo gay right there..) Sorry for the "I hate the world" act at the beginning, but I'm not very happy right now. Mad at parents, friends, school, the world, ect. It just happens sometimes. I hope that you liked it, thought it was funny, yadayada. Please, just review. I have no strength to yell right now.
forevacullens: O_O Did you see that?! Up at the top and at the bottom! She totally trashed her writing! Review or PM me a message to give to her if you want her to take it back! Seriously, right now I just want somebody to remind her that people LIKE this story. IDC if its a review or a PM, (though a review would be easier), just tell her how wrong she is! RRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!