Disclaimer, timeframe, summary: see first chapter.
In the Wake of Angels: Part IX
As far as awkward car rides go, Dean was pretty sure that theirs back to the motel offered up a new standard for any to follow. Relegated to the passenger's side by a right ankle that had twisted when Danny had dropped him from the wall, Dean was already feeling grumpy at not being able to drive his baby, and he was pretty sure he was in the best mood of anybody in the car.
Next to him, Sam was clutching the steering wheel with both hands; Dean knew that the nauseated expression on his face represented only a tiny fraction of the concern bubbling inside his brother. No matter what Sammy was put through, no matter how close to the dark side he'd edged, there was a good Samaritan inside of Sammy, and a mother hen, and together they could whip up one mean cocktail of concern for others. Dean saw Sam's neck twitch, knew he was aching to look in the rearview at Jimmy, but Sam decided against it.
Well, Dean never had been the most subtle of people; he twisted himself around, under the pretense of asking Castiel about her arm, but his gaze lingered for a long while on Jimmy, who was sitting behind the driver's seat.
"It's healed," Castiel replied curtly, and that's when Dean knew that she was in a bad mood too-- although, truth be told, he had already known, but hadn't wanted to assume he was right.
"And those bites, they're not gonna…."
"Vampire blood won't affect me, Dean. It's not strong enough." She fell silent again.
But naturally none of their moods could compare to Jimmy's; he reclined against the Impala's seat, head back, staring out at the afternoon world rushing by him with an expression on his face that nearly broke Dean's heart. There just wasn't anything that any of them could say, Dean knew, because they could all sympathize with what it was like to lose somebody, and maybe Sam could understand how Jimmy felt to lose Amelia. But Claire: Dean knew that none of them could understand that. And even more emphatically he knew that none of them could ever make it anything close to okay. So maybe he didn't blame Jimmy… he was with the hunters now, so he would have to fight harder than ever to stay alive. Maybe it just wasn't worth it.
When they finally made it back to the hotel room and got the gear that needed cleaning inside, Jimmy announced his intentions to take a shower. Sam hesitated, a slight wince on his face, biting back what Dean was also thinking.
Jimmy knew what he wanted to say as well. "Don't worry. I'm not gonna drown myself," he chuckled bitterly. The door closed.
Sam and Dean were left cleaning blood off themselves with washcloths they wetted with bottled water; Sam, who had gotten it mostly on his clothes, made out all right, but the remnants of Dean's nosebleed were not fully coming off of his face and neck without a good deal of soap and scrubbing. That was one reason that he was so surprised when Sam threw him a clean shirt. "C'mon," he said, "we need a grocery run. Cas," he added, "you gonna be able to stay with Jimmy 'til we get back?" Castiel nodded.
"Great. C'mon, Dean," Sam repeated, because Dean still stood shirtless, trying to scrub the sickeningly metallic scent out from under his nostrils. Finally he relented, pulled the shirt on, and followed Sam to the Impala.
"We're talking now," Sam informed him, a slight warning in his voice, as they climbed into their seats and Sam started the engine.
"Now? Sammy, we just killed a nest of vampires, man, and Jimmy just confirmed your worst fear. You don't think we deserve a little rest from any drama?"
"You weren't on top of things back there," Sam said stiffly, never taking his eyes from the road. "You were distracted when Cas was hurt and you risked your own neck sending me to help her instead of you. So yeah, we're gonna talk about it, Dean. What's going on?"
Dean slumped back in his seat, exhausted. "I dunno, Sammy. Honestly."
"You kissed her?"
"Yeah. Just a little."
"And what, do you think this is… because of Jeanette?" Dean could tell Sam was getting a little frantic; there was the tiniest pitch change in his voice. "'cause yeah, I'll admit, Dean, she's kinda cute…."
"It's not Jeanette. It's… I dunno. I don't know, Sammy." Everything, all the doubts and confusion that Dean had been holding at bay since the night before came rushing back at him like an over-your-head ocean wave, and Dean clutched the edge of the Impala's seat as though it were a raft holding him above water. "I like her. Him. Cas. She's not the dick that… he was. She makes me feel, like… safe. Okay. Even before she went in Jeanette. But it's way more now, but I don't think it's got anything to do with that. I mean, you know, I-I like chicks, Sammy. I love chicks. I'm not… gay or anything. But I think…" Dean faltered. He didn't know what he thought. "I just like Cas. Castiel Cas. I dunno." He swallowed, hard.
"Well, Cas isn't really a guy," Sam said reasonably, after a long pause, like he didn't know what else to say. Dean risked a glance sideways at him.
"Jeez, Sammy, you look like you're suckin' on a lemon."
Sam didn't laugh. "I thought…" he began stiffly. "I thought that you were gonna say you had a little thing for Jeanette and that everything would blow over once you got used to her being Cas. But you… but it doesn't sound like that," he finished lamely. They were at the supermarket now, and Sam pulled into a space and cut the engine. Neither of them moved.
"No. It's not like that," Dean said quietly, and then the wave pulled him out to sea. Coldness cut off the air to his lungs, dizziness made his stomach roil, and Dean just hung onto the seat of the Impala because yes, somehow, some way, he was into Castiel-- really, really into her-- and it didn't matter whose meatsuit she jumped into. It was the angel Dean cared for. How did that even work?
***
"Castiel?" Jeanette's view of the room shifted as Castiel turned to look at Jimmy. His hair still wet from the shower, the former vessel was standing clad only in sweatpants in the doorway of the motel bathroom, looking scared and small.
"Jimmy," Jeanette heard her voice say.
"Claire and Amelia," Jimmy said slowly, coming forward by a few steps and sinking down onto the edge of his bed. "What happened to them?"
"You know that demons attacked them," Castiel said tonelessly. "Do you really wish to know the details?"
"No." Jimmy shook his head. "I don't mean that, I mean… where… are they?"
"You wanna know if they're in Heaven?"
Jimmy nodded. For the first time that Jeanette could remember, he didn't look hardened by his loss, deadened by it; he looked sad, innocent, open to comfort. He looked… well, like she had felt, barely nineteen years old, looking the state troopers shyly in the eye and asking them to tell her that it would all be okay. She waited with her proverbial breath held to see what Castiel would say.
Something good, she urged silently. Lie if you have to.
"It's not easily explained," Castiel replied vaguely.
Gah.
"I mean, up in Heaven," Jimmy went on slowly. "Or wherever we went… I didn't see any humans. I didn't see any… souls."
Castiel had been standing stiffly by the door this whole time, but when Jeanette urged it to go to Jimmy it did, sitting down on the other bed, facing him. "You never entered Heaven per se, Jimmy."
"Just tell me… they're in a better place," Jimmy pleaded. "Tell me they're not in Hell or stopped existing or something."
Behind the feeling of her own heart aching for Jimmy, Jeanette felt another pain; probing, exploring, she recognized it to be Castiel's. Despite this, the angel's answer was vague, and she couldn't get a read on the level of truth behind it. "They haven't stopped existing," Castiel assured Jimmy. "And they are better off than they were here."
Though they were words that Jeanette would have found unbelievably comforting to have heard when she was in Jimmy's place-- she still did, somewhat, although she wished she could completely believe them-- Jimmy didn't look placated. He twisted his hands in his lap, staring down at them, before looking back up and making eye contact with the angel for a brief moment. His blue eyes were huge, alive with pain.
"Am I ever gonna see them again? Do… do I get to go where they are, or am I… y'know. Beyond repair?"
This time Jeanette felt Castiel's sadness, its anger and loyalty, more strongly than she felt any reactions of her own. Her body was absolutely awash with the angel's emotions, so much so that she closed her inner eyes instinctively, blocking herself off for a moment.
"You have been tainted by the demon blood," Castiel said slowly, a ferocity hiding behind the even pitch of the words. "But you are a good man, James Novak. And when you die, I will not allow your soul to burn. You are a friend to Heaven and I'll escort you myself if need be."
Jeanette saw tears swell up in Jimmy's eyes without warning. "Even if I kill myself?"
"Even then."
Jimmy nodded, the ghost of a smile breaking out on his face, and then he lowered his head. Tears fell into his lap like water melting from icicles. Jeanette could feel herself instinctively reaching out to him in her mind, urging Castiel to go to him, even though she knew it wouldn't. That's why she was so surprised at the next words that came out of her own mouth.
"I can't leave this body to facilitate it; it's too dangerous. But I believe that Jeanette wishes to speak to you."
Jeanette was even more taken aback when Jimmy raised his head, wiping his cheeks, and looked straight through Castiel; of course, it was just a fanciful interpretation of a far-away gaze, since no man could actually see where Jeanette was now. Nevertheless, she felt that Jimmy really was looking straight at her, inside her own body, and to have another human actually acknowledge her-- her, not Castiel-- was enough to make Jeanette want to cry.
"Hi, Jeanette," Jimmy said softly. "I know you can't say anything back. I've been where you are."
"Jeanette says that she's been where you are as well," Castiel relayed. "Two years ago she lost her parents."
Jimmy nodded. "Maybe they've met Claire and Amelia," he suggested, his voice breaking, but soft with hope. "Maybe there's like, a support group for the families of vessels up there." He laughed tearfully. In her head, Jeanette laughed too. "If I see them I'll say hi."
"She says, 'you're still going to kill yourself?'"
"Jeanette… does anyone ever call you Jeanie?" Jimmy began, obviously needing a moment of hedging. Despite that, and despite the fact that the answer was no, Jeanette instructed Castiel not to let Jimmy know this. She liked the sound of it, liked how it made her feel.
"Jeanie, you're so young," Jimmy said at last. "If this war ends, if… if Castiel can let you go… you're gonna make a life for yourself. Get married, and have kids, but even if this world goes back to goodness, there's nothing here for me. I can't live without them."
"She asks you when."
Jimmy smiled, still looking into Jeanette's eyes. "Soon. I feel like… there's one more thing for me to do. I feel like I'm gonna help one more time. Sounds dumb, I know, but I do. I dunno what, but I can wait for it. I don't think it'll be much longer."
Castiel paused as it struggled to put Jeanette's thoughts into words. "I believe that she says she admires your faith."
Jimmy shook his head. "It isn't faith. It's just… I want that world for you. I want this war to end so the angels can leave, and you can have that family. And Sam, and Dean. So everyone can have their families. I want that… so badly."
Castiel paused, almost as though collecting itself before relaying Jeanette's response. "She thanks you," it told him softly.
Jimmy smiled. "Hang in there, Jeanie," he said quietly.