December 3, 2011

Yosuke paced darkly along the corridor of the pediatric ward, eyes fixed on his shoes. The sound of shouts and venom-filled words still rang in his ears, stinging him with their memory. He'd opted not to go back to Nanako's room with the others just yet. His ire had been calmed for now but he knew that one look at the poor first grader's blank face would send him back into fits of rage. Namatame would have no chance and Yosuke? Yosuke would be a murderer.

Why didn't the thought of that horrify him as much as it should? Why was he almost receptive of the idea? Had the TV world and the murders really blurred his sense of morality that much? Was the slightest provocation all it took to turn him from good to evil? Hell, was any of it even that black and white in the first place?

Yosuke swallowed hard, willing his racing thoughts to stop. It was too many questions and too much to think about. When he got this way, the job of calming him down was always passed to him. To Souji.

Souji; who had looked at him with such disgust, his usually stoic face twisted into a foul grimace. His eyes had been red rimmed, cheeks shining with tears, when his best friend had finally abandoned his calm. He'd roared at him, voice cracking and exhausted but no less full of hatred.

But it hadn't been for Namatame or for a God or for any of the other people Yosuke had personally laid blame upon . It was all for him.

"Calm the hell down!"

"Souji, I-!"

"Just shut up! Goddamnit, shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Namatame shuddered. The others remained still. Yosuke simply stood, face white, knees weak; absolutely shocked. And then Souji muttered something under his breath that made his grief fueled ire come to a grinding halt.

"I hate this."

Things had calmed down after that and the boys had offered each other mumbled apologies while they filed out of the dark hospital room, only to split off from the group and head in different directions of the hospital. The others had let them go without question.

"Fuck am I doing?" Yosuke groaned, sinking down onto an uncomfortable vinyl chair, hands raking through his hair and cradling his forehead. Rage had been replaced by guilt. He'd screamed at his best friend just as his entire family was dying around him. He deserved everything he got-

"Yosuke?"

The voice was tentative, quiet, and surprised. Looking up quickly, Yosuke saw a familiar figure poised at the end of the hall, staring at him. He looked as if he'd been passing by, frozen in midstep by the sight of his best friend.

"Souji," Yosuke mumbled, voice thick with shame as he averted his eyes, "H-hey."

"What are you doing?" Souji's tone was soft and glowed with genuine curiosity and concern. The brunette could only close his eyes bitterly at the sound. He wished he was still angry; it made everything a lot easier.

"Sitting."

"Oh." A pause. "Could I join you? Or is it not a group activity?"

Yosuke scowled, no trace of amusement in his face.

"Sure, fine."

Souji moved with slow, measured steps over to Yosuke and sunk down next to him silently. The silence persisted for a few more minutes, neither boy daring to speak first and break it. Souji's will was stronger, however, and in the end it was Yosuke who spoke up first.

"Have you gone to see Nanako yet?"

Souji's features tightened, a look of stricken pain crossing his face for the briefest of moments. Yosuke caught it. It made his chest hurt.

"Not yet. You?"

"Me neither."

The silence returned, this time broken up by the short, gasping breaths Yosuke could hear slipping between his best friend's lips. Turning his head just barely, Yosuke could see how his friends face was shining with fresh tears and snot and sweat. He looked terrible and all Yosuke could think about was how he'd shouted at him; accused him of not caring about his cousin at all. Suddenly, as if a valve had been opened inside his brain, Yosuke couldn't stop the words that tumbled from his mouth if he wanted to.

"Fuck. Fuck, man, I'm so sorry!" He threw an arm around Souji's shoulders, nearly jerking it back when he felt his friend tense up at the contact, "I was so stupid, Souji, I thought…I thought I could fix everything if I just erased him. I was impatient and stupid and I hated that we'd failed and I just wanted to…to fix it. I wanted to fix it for you and all I did…all I did…"

"All you did," Souji repeated, voice hoarse and broken in a way Yosuke had never heard coming from his best friend, "Was react the way anyone would have."

"Not you-" Yosuke began to counter before Souji suddenly cut him off, voice sharp and focused.

"Yes, me. I wanted him dead. I wanted to be the one to do it. Even though I knew it was wrong and while I tried to convince you, I wanted to kill him, Yosuke." Souji heaved a huge, heavy sigh, wiping at his eyes hastily, "Everyone in that room felt that way…the only difference between us and him was that deep down, we knew it was wrong."

"Yeah, but I-"

"You did too, Yosuke. If you thought it was right, nothing I could've said would've backed you down. Nothing."

Yosuke stayed quiet for a long time while Souji continued to wipe his face on his sleeve messily. When he drew his face away from his uniform, Yosuke could see that he had rubbed himself raw. Reaching into his pocket, the brunette felt anxiously around in his pocket for a tissue. His search came up empty, save for the crinkle of plastic against his fingertips. Drawing the package out, Yosuke was greeted by a cheery watermelon announcing the name of his favorite brand of cough drops.

Yosuke bit his lip. They'd been Nanako's favorite too.

Choosing not to linger on that thought, Yosuke thrust a hand into the bag and pulled out two of the paper-wrapped candies. Keeping one for himself, the brunette dropped the other in his friends open palm. Souji didn't react, letting the candy roll off his hand and fall to the floor with a hollow clacking. With surprising patience, Yosuke reached down and picked it up, putting it back in Souji's hand. Though, this time, he made sure to force his best friend's fingers to close around it.

"I know it's not much," he admitted, "But you haven't eaten anything all day and I-" Souji shifted slightly, the cough drop starting to fall loose from his grip for the second time. Moving preemptively, Yosuke took it from him and sighed softly while his fingers fumbled with the wrappings.

"You like these," he urged with a gentle reminder, holding up the small red oval as it refracted the sickly glow of the hospital lights. Souji continued to stare down at his shoes silently. "C'mon, bro, take it. I'm not going to put it in your mouth for you. You don't need me to do that."

Something about the quiet sternness of Yosuke's voice resonated with Souji and, though slow, his hand gradually took the candy from Yosuke and brought it to his dry lips. Yosuke quickly unwrapped his own, following suit. The two sat there for a while, sucking on their cough drops in silence. They tasted like last summer and bike rides and promises to visit the beach next year. And it hurt, remembering. It hurt for both of them. Still, as the sweet lozenges dissolved and mingled with their saliva, both boys found comfort in the taste. And in each other.

Later, there would be tears of a different kind. Happy tears and hugging and smiles. But for now, in the deserted hospital corridor, Yosuke and Souji had everything they needed.