Chapter 4: Forbidden Temptation
A/N: So Georg spoke to me, but he surprised me a bit with what he had to say. I hope you enjoy!
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Georg accommodated one more shirt into his suitcase before pressing down hard to shut the bag and setting it down at the foot of his bed. He looked around the room one more time, making sure that he had not forgotten anything. As he turned his head, he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror over the dresser. The haggard face that stared back at him seemed like the face of a stranger, one with severely accusing eyes. Georg felt the strength go out of him and he sat on the bed, his body limp, his shoulders hunched.
What a mess he had made of everything. His uncontrollable impulses had nearly made him cross a line that should not be crossed. To make matters worse, he knew it was not his honor that had stopped him; had that door not been slammed, he would not have stopped what he had started. The urge to keep touching Maria, to taste her lips, had been overpowering. Her body had trembled for him; her response to the touch of his hands had made her even more irresistible.
But resist he must. And if he could not do it here in his own home, then he would have to leave until he could control what was happening to him.
After leaving Maria's bedroom door and returning to his room, he had not bothered to try to go to sleep; he had known the attempt would be useless. His mind and his body were still racing. He had paced for more than an hour, trying to convince himself that he could pack away what he was feeling, store it in the furthest recesses of his mind. If it had been only a purely physical attraction, perhaps he would have been able to achieve some measure of control.
'There are always people in our lives to love, who love us. All we have to do is open our eyes and our hearts.'
Maria's words were haunting him despite, or perhaps because of, the fact that he refused to consider them. If only things were different…but they weren't. He would not ruin the life of a young woman who was devoting her life to God, who was in his house on behalf of the abbey, who was answerable to him while she worked in his home. He could not let himself forget his own commitments and obligations.
He knew all of that; it was clear in his mind. But none of it erased the image of her face from his thoughts; none of it made him want her any less; none of it eased the all-consuming ache he felt for her; none of it made him stop dreaming of an impossible future with her in his life.
He had to make things right. He would leave, go to Vienna. He would put his life back in order.
With a forced determination, Georg straightened his shoulders and got up. He would take his leave, and then he would be gone.
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It was late; Georg estimated that the family must be almost done with breakfast. In fact, he was just outside the dining room and he could hear chairs being pushed from the table as the children stood to leave. He nearly collided with Friedrich as he entered the room.
"In a bit of a rush, are we?" He preferred his sons to contain their energy in the house, and for the most part they did. On occasion, however, their exuberance reminded him that they were indeed still young boys.
"I'm sorry, Father. I didn't see you there." Friedrich stood tall and straight, in effect imitating his father. Looking more closely at him, Georg realized that perhaps he was no longer the young boy Georg still pictured in his mind. His children were growing so quickly. He put a hand on Friedrich's shoulder and smiled at him, feeling a sudden rush of pride for his son. Friedrich's eyes lit up and he grinned back at his father.
"Father, you missed breakfast." Kurt gave his father a sorrowful, almost pitying look. Georg smiled to himself; it would appear that he had at least one young boy whose priorities were still those of a child.
"I wasn't very hungry this morning."
"How strange, neither was Fraulein Maria. She barely touched her food." Kurt looked at his governess with a perplexed expression.
Georg had not looked at Maria since entering the room; his run-in with Friedrich had momentarily distracted him. But Kurt's observation brought her to the forefront of his mind once again, a place she seemed to occupy almost constantly. He looked toward the other end of the table, mentally steeling himself against any reaction he might have to seeing her for the first time after what had happened between them.
She was still seated at the table but stood when he looked in her direction. Her cheeks were tinged with pink, and he felt sure she would avoid his gaze. Instead, she surprised him by lifting her eyes to his.
Despite having braced himself, he felt completely unprepared for the impact of looking into her eyes. His resolve and determination forgotten, he found himself drowning in those bewitching eyes. Just one look at her and it was as if he could still feel her body close to his, inflaming him all over again. His eyes devoured her, taking in her widening eyes, her moist lips, the flush in her cheeks that was beginning to spread down her neck, down toward her chest. He wanted to go to her, needed to go to her. She was too far away from him…
Maria looked away, her blush deepening.
"Father? Are you felling ill?" Liesl was standing next to him; when had she moved toward him? She was looking back and forth between him and Maria. What had she noticed? Did she suspect something? He hoped not; he did not want to have to explain something he did not fully understand himself.
He remembered why he had come downstairs; he had to tell the children about his trip to Vienna, say goodbye to them. He knew that the trip would come as a surprise. Although the children were used to him traveling, he did not want to run the risk of having them feel abandoned, as Marta had last night after her nightmare. And things had changed; he had not been traveling as he had in the past, not since Maria had come to stay with them.
"I'm fine. Liesl, please take the other children out back. I'll join you in a few minutes. I have something to tell you, but first I need to have a few words with Fraulein Maria."
Maria glanced at him quickly, alarm evident in her face. He supposed it should not surprise him that she might feel alarmed to be alone with him, and he knew that he had no one to blame but himself. But it pained him all the same.
"All right, Father. We'll be waiting for you." Liesl gave him a final curious look before gathering the rest of the children and leading them out of the room.
Georg looked at Maria, opened his mouth to speak and immediately closed it again. Now that they were alone, now that the moment was here, he found himself at a loss for words. He had no idea how to begin, how much he should say.
Maria was still standing, being careful not to look at him. He saw her take a deep breath and let it out, seeming to draw strength from it. She raised her head and gave him a steady look.
"You wished to speak to me, Captain?" Her voice was subdued but clear and even.
Georg was reminded of the last time she had said something similar – the evening he had watched her eat her mashed potatoes and she had watched him eat one of the cookies she had baked. It was the night his world had been sent spinning out of control. It was the first time he had realized that she might be as attracted to him as he was to her, that she might share his hunger. He felt himself grow warm at the thought.
This was not helping. He needed to focus.
"Please, sit down." He could at least try to put her at ease.
Maria hesitated, then sat down. He walked over to her end of the table and sat in Gretl's chair. He saw that her hands were folded in her lap. It was probably best not to look at them; it would only send him into another swarm of tantalizing memories. He kept his eyes on the table, on the remains of the jam and bread on her plate. He cleared his throat, which had become dry.
"I must ask you to forgive me, Fraulein. I have behaved abominably." He heard the remorse in his voice; he was grateful she could not hear the other truth – that, given the same circumstances, he would have done the same thing all over again.
"Captain, you don't have to…"
"Please, Fraulein, let me finish." He was sure she would find a way to excuse him; she was generous to a fault. But he could not afford to let her excuse him, to justify his behavior. It would only tempt him to stay, to fool himself into thinking that things could go back to normal. He knew they would not, not for him.
"I've decided to go to Vienna, just as soon as I've said goodbye to the children. My bags are already packed." Out of the corner of his eye he saw her head snap up. He looked up from the table; she was staring at him, blinking rapidly, looking startled. He wanted to take her hand, to reassure her, but he did not dare.
"I think some time away, some distance, might help give me…perspective. If I stay here, I don't…I can't…" He shook his head in frustration. How could he explain it to her?
"I won't be able to control this," he finished, his voice fading as he looked into her eyes, letting himself be taken in by them, letting her see that he was hers.
"This?" Maria asked, her eyes on his, her voice unsteady.
This would probably be the last time they would be alone together. When he returned from Vienna, he intended to have found a way to submerge his inappropriate desires. Things would be different then. But right now he could hardly bear the thought of not being with her. Right now all he wanted was her.
He took her hand in his, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it, his lips lingering on her fingers. Then he put her hand on his chest, holding it in place, letting her feel how hard and fast his heart was beating for her. His eyes hid nothing; they smoldered with unrestrained hunger. He watched as she swallowed, watched her as she took in quick shallow breaths.
"This," he said, his voice low and shaky, wanting her to hear the way she unraveled him.
He reached out and cupped her cheek, then slid his hand up under her hair to trace the outline of her ear. She breathed in sharply, a shudder traveling through her body as it had last night. Like turning on a switch, he instantly felt the all too familiar yearning that he felt only for her, the familiar rush of blood coursing through his body and setting him on fire, making him want to burn with her. His mind was a mass of incoherent thoughts and urgent impulses – taste touch lick kiss take feel more more.
His fingers were trembling when he brought them to her mouth, sliding them back and forth along her silken lips. Every inch of his body strained toward her when she opened her mouth slightly as she gasped for air, her breath coming hard, and he was powerless to hold back the moan that escaped him when he saw the evidence of her arousal. He stopped himself before he slid his finger into her mouth, knowing that would push him over the edge. He withdrew his hand.
"This," he whispered, his voice deep and husky with passion. "I won't be able to control this." He released her hand.
Maria leaned back and rested her head on the back of the chair, her chest heaving, her eyes dark. She looked so beautiful, so inviting, so tempting; it took every ounce of self-control not to lean into her and kiss her and…
"I have to go."
He stood and looked down at her, willing his feet to move. He had to force himself to turn around and walk away from her. When he heard her pushing her chair back, he could not help himself; he turned to look at her one more time. She was standing, holding on to the back of the chair. The look in her eyes almost made him rush back to her, made him want to forget about leaving and take her in his arms instead. He took a step but stopped when she spoke.
"Goodbye, Captain." Anguish. That's what he heard in her voice. Anguish and resignation.
"Goodbye, Maria." He turned and left.
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Reviews are my mashed potatoes!