disclaimer: I own nothing
Chapter 2: Life Without Derek
"Mommy, mommy," five year old Ben said, opening up his mother's bedroom door. He went to her bed but was surprised to see that she wasn't sleeping there.
"Mommy!" he cried, extreme fear entering his voice.
"I'm here Ben, don't worry," Casey said, running to pick him up into her arms. He clutched her neck in a tight hug. "See, nothing to worry about," she told him, brushing his bangs away from his eyes. She made a mental note to cut them soon because they were starting to cover his eyes.
"Let's have breakfast," she said carrying him downstairs.
Ben always woke up an hour before his older sisters did. Casey always made him breakfast, having him get dressed and ready for school first. Since he was the youngest, it took Casey longer to get him ready. She was grateful that her daughters were older, being able to get ready by themselves, and that they always wanted to help her with Ben. She couldn't ask for two better sisters for her youngest child.
Two hours later, Casey was ushering her children out of the car door, getting them to school. She kissed them all goodbye and watched them, Ben's hand in his sisters' as they walked him to the kindergarten schoolyard. As soon as she knew they made it there safely, she drove to the hospital, as she did every morning to visit her comatose husband.
Casey came everyday to the hospital to visit Derek for an hour. She spent it telling him about her life, what their kids were up to, and any little meaningless thing she could think of. She wanted him to be completely updated when he woke up. So, Casey parked her car in the visitors' parking lot and went to the floor where they kept all the coma patients. There, she waved to the nurse at the front desk. She had gotten so close with that nurse that they now exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts.
"Hey Bree, any changes?" she asked the nurse as she did everyday.
The nurse with a shake of her head and replied with the same answer: "No, the same."
Casey nodded to her before she went to the room. She always walked in slowly, never quite getting over the fact that Derek just looked like he was sleeping despite the tube that was down his throat. She settled in her usual chair and grabbed his left hand, holding it between her own.
"Hey Derek," she said, brushing hair out of his face as she did this morning with Ben.
"Yesterday was a fun night, you would have enjoyed it. We went over to Sam's and Sabrina's, celebrating Liza's birthday. I can't believe Liza turned eight, she's getting so big. I remember when she used to play with Lily and Ella in the playpen. After we had dinner and cake, Liza, Lily, and Ella played with the dolls that Liza got while Ben and Adam played some videogame that I'm sure you would have enjoyed. Sam, Sabrina, Darrin, Anna, and I had a nice conversation, like always. It was a nice night, I'm sorry that you missed it.
"Oh, I almost forgot," Casey said, reaching into her purse. "Ben drew a picture for you. It's a picture of all of us at the table, singing 'Happy Birthday' to Liza," she said, getting up to put the picture on the ledge with all of the other pictures that many children had drawn for Derek.
"I have to say, even though he is one of the best hockey players on the team, we might have an artist in the family. He seems to be good at everything he does: he loves hockey, but also jazz and tap ever since I put him in those dance classes. He and Adam are so cute together when they run away from the girls, claiming that they have cooties.
"Lily and Ella think that they're being stupid. They are becoming quite the little dancers themselves. Ella loves ballet, counting down the years that she gets to dance wearing pointe shoes. Lily likes ballet but I can tell her heart is leading her more to jazz although she is becoming more of an athlete everyday. She just joined the cross-country team since soccer season ended. She is starting to turn into a mini you," Casey just finished when the doctor walked in.
"Oh, sorry Casey, I didn't know you were in here," Dr. Johnson said.
"Don't worry about it. So, how are things?" she asked him, referring to Derek's condition.
"It's the same," he said before sighing. He paused to think about how to phrase this to her. "Casey, there has been no change for months now," he said calmly.
"He isn't losing his brain waves as quickly as he was before," Casey interjected.
Dr. Johnson sighed again. "No, it's not as fast, but Casey, he is losing brain waves everyday. He's not going to wake up from this. I'm telling you this because it's been five years and still you come here everyday, looking hopeful that maybe he woke up. Everyday when you leave, your face looks so painful, as if someone punched you in the stomach. I'm just afraid that-"
"That one day I might snap? That I will start crying hysterically and do something like set the hospital on fire?" Casey asked him. He had given her this speech once every couple of months. "You can relax doctor. I have too many people depending on me to have a break down. To answer your next question, I WILL NOT pull the plug and kill my husband," she said sternly.
"Casey it's been five years," Dr. Johnson said calmly, knowing that this was probably a lost cause. In the five years that he had known her, he learned how stubborn she could be. If it were anyone else married to Derek, they would have probably pulled the plug, wanting to get on with their life but not Casey. She had to hang onto anything that involved Derek.
"And in five years you will say, 'Casey it's been ten years' and I will say the same thing then as I'm saying now. I will not kill my husband. Until his heart stops beating on its own is when I will lose hope, not a second before. I have faith that Derek will wake up, no matter if it's in ten, fifteen, or thirty years. I will be here waiting for him to wake up,"
Casey declared. This is what she said every time in this conversation.
"Alright Casey, I guess I'll see you later," Dr. Johnson said, stepping out to allow Casey to have time to speak privately to her husband.
"So where was I?" Casey asked the sleeping Derek. "Oh, right, I was going to tell you what I'm doing today. Well it's one of my favourite times of the year. Sabrina, Anna, and I are going to meet today to discuss which songs we want to use for each class. I hope no one took any of my songs, especially the one that I have already started choreographing to. I know you always told me to not be attached to a song because Anna and Sabrina could be attached to the same song but I don't think so. We barely pick the same songs anymore but it is always good to double check.
"That's in the afternoon, in the morning I have to go grocery shopping. We're almost out of food, but don't worry, your kids are well fed," Casey said, trailing off. She looked down at her sleeping husband, knowing that if he were awake, he would tell her to shut up because he wouldn't really have any interest in grocery shopping. As long as there was food, he didn't care what it was.
She looked at the clock on his bedside table, noticing that the hour was almost up. She had to get back to reality, doing all of the motherly duties, and fatherly duties before she had to pick up Ben from school. She kissed his forehead and then touched his hand again, squeezing it before she left. She hoped that Derek would squeeze back, but like the doctor said, he was probably not going to wake up.
"Bye Derek, love you, see you tomorrow," she said, squeezing his hand one last time before she walked out of the room. If she stayed a second longer though, she would have noticed something that had never happened before.
Derek's left hand twitched, almost as if it was trying to squeeze something. It stopped though, realizing that there was nothing but air.
--
"Mommy," Ben cried, jumping into her arms.
"Hey Ben," she said squeezing him once before putting him down. She then hugged Adam who followed behind Ben. Since Sabrina was coming over, Casey had offered to pick Adam up, since the two were in the same class. "Ready to go?" she asked them, making sure that they had their bags.
Ben and Adam both nodded, excited that Adam was coming over. Although it wasn't like they could be separated. They were on the same hockey team and in the same dance classes. Sam once told her that their friendship reminded him of Derek and his friendship.
Casey grabbed each child's hand and brought them to her car, driving home. She had a couple minutes before Anna and Sabrina were due, so she made Ben and Adam lunch and once they finished eating, they started playing a videogame in the living room. Sabrina and Anna arrived soon after and Sabrina kissed the top of the boys' head since they were too absorbed in the videogame to notice that she walked in.
"So for your grade one jazz class, you want '500 Miles.' Bringing in the oldies," Sabrina said to Anna.
"Hey it's a good song and besides, it's nice and slow for my kids," Anna said.
"Alright, let's move on them. Casey, what song do you want for your senior lyric class?" Sabrina asked. They were just finishing the list this class was the last one. Even though it was obvious that no one had thought of the same song, they each liked to know what song the others were doing.
"Well I actually found this song a couple days ago but I remembered dancing to it years ago. I fell in love with it all over again, it's called 'Slow Me Down,'" Casey said. Anna and Sabrina both nodded, remembering that Casey used this song for a solo piece when they were in university.
"So we're done, finally," Anna said standing up as Casey looked at her watch.
"Alright, I'll take Lily, Ella, and Liza to their dance classes tonight since it's my night to be there," Casey said.
The three women had a system to who would spend the night at the dance studio, so that they could have nights off. Casey always had Mondays and Thursdays while Sabrina had Tuesdays and Fridays and Anna had Wednesdays and Saturdays. Of course, that didn't stop them to drop by and trade some days. They all had a hard time staying away from the dance studio for too long. This arrangement also allowed Casey and Sabrina to help Sam with the store that Derek was shot in. It was Derek's dream to own his own business and Casey wasn't going to let that go.
"And I'll take Ben and Adam to hockey practice where of course I'll meet Sam and Darrin there. Those boys can't seem to get enough of watching the hockey practices," Sabrina said.
"And I'll be on a date with my six month hot, steamy, boyfriend," Anna added which made them giggle.
"Hope you have fun with that," Casey said as they all got up to leave.
Casey hugged and kissed Ben and Adam before she watched them get into Sabrina's station wagon. She waved goodbye, watching Sabrina drive away with her son in the back seat. Seconds later, Anna followed, having to get back to her house. As Casey closed the door, she heard the phone ring and she ran to the kitchen, grabbing the phone on the third ring.
"Hello," Casey said into the phone.
"Hey Casey!" Casey recognized the voice instantly.
"Emily?" she asked, just to be sure.
"The one and only," Emily replied.
"Hey, why are you calling? I thought you were in Europe," Casey said. Emily fell in love photography and took pictures for the 'Geographic Magazine.' She had been gone for two years. Of course, Casey still kept in contact with her through email but it was so good to hear her voice.
"Yeah, I just got back. My cousin is getting married and for some reason, she asked me to be the maid of honour. So I'm stuck here for the next eight months at least to help plan. Plus, this gives me time with my family and look for Mr. Right in Canada. I need a change from the German guys, Italian guys, French guys…" Emily trailed on making Casey laugh. It was good to talk to her old friend.
--
"So did you girls enjoy your classes?" Casey asked Lily and Ella after she dropped off Liza at her house. She was told that Darrin took Ben home, and would wait until she arrived. Casey really was grateful for her friends. She didn't really feel like a single mom with all her friends and family. Each one of them was always ready to babysit for her and help her with her kids at the drop of the hat. Without them, she probably would never be able to do half the things that she could.
"It was fun!" Lily said and Ella nodded in agreement.
Even though they shouted this, they look tired. Mondays and Thursdays were always long nights for her kids. Of course, she had to stay till the last class ended at the dance studio. Lily and Ella always fell asleep around nine, sleeping on the couch in the office and wake up on the ride home. For some reason, they could never stay asleep in the car. Ben was a different story, always falling asleep right at eight, maybe even seven, and slept like the dead. He took after Derek so much sometimes.
When they reached home, Lily and Ella hopped out, prepared to get ready for bed. Casey carried in their school and dance bags, placing them down in the hallway, looking up to greet Darrin.
"Hey mamma," Darrin greet from his seat on the couch as he flipped through the channels. He usually did this when he waited for Casey to come home.
"Hey, thanks for bringing Ben home," Casey said, plopping next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder.
"Don't mention it. I love that kid like he was my own. Love all your kids like that," Darrin said still staring at the T.V.
"I know. I'm glad that you're always willing to help but what about your life?" Casey asked.
She liked having Darrin around but she worried that his social life was suffering for it. He was always at Ben's practices and games. He came over constantly on Saturdays and Sundays to take them out to places like the Children's Museum or mini golf or bowling, etc. She worried about how he never seemed go out much. She couldn't remember the last time he had a date which upset her. He had so much to give, he would make someone so happy but he had to try to find that special someone. He wasn't looking that much, always helping her out, being the kind person that he was.
"What do you mean what about my life?" he asked her, now looking at her, muting the T.V.
"Well, when was the last time you went out to a bar, or dated?" she asked him.
"I don't need to date, I'm happy where I am in life," Darrin said.
"Darrin, come on, you don't seem to have much of a life outside my kids," she said. She felt Darrin stiffen and he moved, forcing Casey to take her head off his shoulder.
"You don't want me around?" he asked her quietly.
"That's not what I meant. I love having you around; you're a great role model for my kids. It's just that I want you to find someone and be happy with her," Casey explained.
Darrin took her hand, as he did often when they had a serious conversation. He looked down at her hand, and spoke to the floor. "You worry too much," he said, then glancing at her. "But if it will make you happy, I'll call up some of my single friends, not that there are much left, and go girlfriend shopping," he said.
Casey smiled. "That's great! Just remember look for one who has a big brain, not big boobs," she said sternly at him, making him laugh.
"I'll try, but my friends might have a different philosophy than you though," he said looking at his watch.
"Well how about a blind date? My friend Emily is single," she told him.
He was about to shake his head but he could never say no to Casey. "Sure, why not." Casey shrieked and giggled, clapping her hands together. She loved matchmaking.
"Well I should go, unless you need me to do anything else. I did the dishes for you while I waited," he said.
Casey smiled. "Bless you," she said, so happy that she didn't have to do the dishes tonight. "No I don't need anything. You go home and start planning a night out with your friends. I'll call Emily tomorrow and give her your number," she said.
He nodded, pecking her on the cheek before leaving.
Casey watched him drive away before she closed the door. She went to the kitchen and made the girls' lunch. She then cleaned a bit until it was late enough for it to be acceptable to go to bed and slip into sleep quickly. She liked to tire herself out so that she went to sleep quickly.
She did this because she hated the part of going to bed and waiting for sleep. This was when she would miss Derek the most, not having him there to hold her close as he did when they went to sleep. This was when Casey would lose it. This was when it looked like Casey would never make it out of bed. If it wasn't for her children, she wouldn't have the will to get up and face the day. Her children were asleep though, so she lay in bed by herself. She had good nights and bad nights. On her good nights, she went to sleep quickly, without a thought of being lonely. On her bad nights, like today, she began to cry, crying herself to sleep, or at least she thought.
"Mom..." Casey heard someone say to her. She looked up, seeing Ella standing at the end of her bed. "Are you alright?" she asked her.
Casey quickly sat up in her bed, wiping the tears off her cheeks. "Yeah, I'm fine," she said, but her voice cracked and it didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that she was crying. Without another word, Ella climbed into bed beside her. They both lay down and Casey hugged her daughter, kissing her cheek before they drifted off to sleep. Yes, if it wasn't for her children, Casey would have never been able to get out of bed.
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