disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter 8: Like We Never Loved At All

Clara was tapping her fingers on the kitchen counter while biting her bottom lip. She had a mug of cold coffee beside her as she stared off into space. She was trying to wrap her mind around the conversation she had last night with Casey. Derek was coming. Just the thought made her feel nauseous. It took all her strength to break up with him but now, she practically had to have the same conversation with him. True, she was now older, a mature adult but remembering her feelings for Derek made her feel like she was once again, a nervous teenager.

Since Casey called, she had been cursing her luck. She didn't want to deal with this, she shouldn't have to. Derek was no longer the center of her world and she wanted to keep it that way. She was so scared that if she saw him, some old feelings would resurface and she didn't want that. She didn't want to feel that pain, or say something that would hurt her husband. He was her life now, and she wanted to protect her feelings as well as his.

Suddenly, a hand clamped over her fingers, stopping her nervous tapping.

"Chill," Clara's husband, Reed said. "It's just an old boyfriend."

"With a temper," she reminded him.

She had met Reed a couple relationships after Derek through a mutual friend and they immediately hit it off. He was the only person she had confided in about her relationship with Derek and how badly he damaged her. Derek was never abusive but his mood swings always scared her. When he was happy, the moments were great and she could fall in love with him but when something ticked him off - a waiter was rude to them, some guy mentioned what a great butt she had - he would lose his temper. He would never touch her in anger but he would scream at her. He never did it for long though. Out of nowhere, Casey would appear, no matter where they were, his house, the park, or at the mall, she was there, stepping in to take the heat. Clara never knew why until she ran into Casey years later. Casey explained that Derek was only happy when he was with Clara and told her that it was almost as if the old, fun, mischievous Derek was back. Casey spent all her time and energy trying to get the old Derek back. She didn't have much of a social life in her senior year, Clara remembered because she always followed them, ready to divert Derek's temper when needed.

Clara owed Casey for protecting her and so tried to always be there for Casey when Derek was in a coma. She would drop everything if Casey needed to talk for however long on the phone about things that she felt she couldn't talk to her close friends and family. Their relationship worked because Clara was like an observer. Since she lived so far away, she didn't have any say with Derek's fate. She just decided to always agree with Casey and only give her opinion if asked. Between the doctors, family and friends, Casey had enough opinions. Clara just wanted to be there for Casey.

She never pitied Casey the way that she sometimes felt her family and friends did. She was compassionate towards her but the pity would just bring Casey down. Clara was usually the one who gave her pep talks like a cheerleader captain. As Casey had doubts about if she could keep going, Clara was always there to gently push her. To remind her that she mustn't give up.

In the past two years, Clara's and Casey's friendship had grown to almost a sisterly bond. At the beginning, Clara would tell Casey about her own problems to just distract her but later on it changed. They both were leaning on each other, to give each other advice. She knew that she could never turn Casey down in her time of need even though now what Casey asked her scared the crap out of her. She didn't want to do it, but she would do it for her sister.

As she was giving herself a personal pep talk, Clara heard a car pull into her driveway and turn off. It was in the early afternoon and Clara had been sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for them since early morning. She and Reed had taken the day off, allowing one of their employees take over for the day at their flower shop. They weren't sure when Derek and Sam were going to arrive, so they made arrangements with Reed's mother to pick up their daughters after school so that if Derek lost his temper, they wouldn't hear it.

"Ready?" Reed asked her.

"Yes but please, stay here. Entertain Sam while I talk to Derek," She directed.

Casey had told her yesterday that Sam was coming with Derek and she was now thankful for him. She hoped that he and her husband would be able to occupy each other while she had the painful conversation with Derek.

"Fine I'll do as you ask, but if he raises his voice once at you-"

"I can handle him, don't worry," Clara said, pecking him on his lips just as the doorbell rang. She quickly walked over to the door and taking a deep breath, opened it, seeing the boy she once loved as a grown man.

Derek couldn't believe it. All this time he was looking for Clara and Casey knew where she was. It was just one more reason why Derek knew he needed to divorce Casey as fast as he could.

Seeing Clara now astounded him. She was a bit curvier, had blonde streaks in her muddy brown hair, a few more wrinkles around her eyes but she still was the most beautiful girl- woman - he had ever seen.

"Clara, I-"

"Hello Derek," Clara said with caution. "Um, Sam… why don't you go inside. My husband is in the kitchen. I bet you two will have lots in common."

Clara let him pass and stepped outside with Derek, closing the front door behind her. It was just the beginning of spring, but it wasn't too warm. In fact, the whether channel said that they were going to have a snowstorm that day. She decided though that they would talk outside for a bit of privacy. She knew that they probably wouldn't get much privacy because if Sam was anything like her husband, they would be discreetly looking out the front window.

"Shall we sit," Clara asked, pointing to the porch steps.

She walked over to the steps and sat, waiting for him to sit beside her. When he did, their shoulders lightly brushed. At one point in her life, this contact would have sent chills down her spine even through the clothes. She thought she was the luckiest girl when Derek Venturi had set his eyes on her. She first resisted, rejecting him because she didn't want to be a fling for him but when she finally accepted, it was so much more. She had loved him, now though, there was not even a flicker of attraction she felt for him. She was deeply in love with Reed and this realization gave her strength. She waited silently for Derek to begin and he soon spoke.

"How long have you been married?" He asked softly.

"Ten years," she replied just as soft.

"How many kids?"

"Two. Two girls."

"And do you think you can get custody of them in a divorce?"

"What?" Clara cried.

"You have to get a divorce so we can marry and I want to help raise your kids," Derek said, turning to face her. He grabbed her hands and held them in his. "I love you Clara."

Clara closed her eyes, praying that Reed would let her handle this. He promised he would, this morning but that was before Derek said this. She never thought that Derek would be this delusional. It was as if… as if he was a love struck teenager. To Clara's horror, that's what Derek was. An eighteen year old trapped in a thirty-three year old body.

"Derek," Clara said, taking her hands out of his grasps and holding herself. She had to break up with him again. As terrifying as it was the first time she did it, she was stronger now and her heart wasn't going to be broken. Only Derek's heart would be, but he broke Casey's heart, Clara reminded herself. This gave her the will to continue.

"I'm deeply in love with my husband. I'm not leaving him, I won't ever leave him. The thought has never even crossed my mind."

"What?" Derek cried, getting up and pacing on the lawn in front of her. She waited for him to calm down and speak. She knew though that he wouldn't calm down much, not unless she gave him what he wanted, something she would never do.

"What does he have that I don't have? Is he rich because Clara, I don't care if I have to work day and night to give you what you want."

"No Derek, Reed's not rich."

"Of course not, you're not that shallow. That's what I love about you. You're incredibly deep. You're kind and sweet and caring. Just tell me what he has that I don't have and I'll change, I promise."

Clara rested her head in her hands. Derek never begged yet he was doing it now. The last time he begged was when she broke up with him the first time. "Derek, I…" Clara didn't know how to finish her sentence. She looked up at him, seeing the hurt in his eyes. Oh why couldn't he remember this conversation the first time? Why couldn't he remember how she broke it off, what she told him? She asked herself. "Derek, you have a huge temper. The only one who was able to handle it was Casey."

"I don't want to talk about her. She's a lying bitch."

Clara grew angry. She stood up and walked to him. Derek thought Clara was going to kiss him at first. She always did when she was angry. She claimed that it released her tension before she came to a rational decision. Instead, she poked him in the chest.

"Well, you're going to hear what I have to say. You're not going to like it but grow up! You may have the mind of an eighteen year old but you're not even acting that old. You have tantrums like a two year old. My children are more civilized than you! You yell and scream if you don't get your way! News flash Derek, not everyone can get their way!"

"I can change. I won't yell anymore, please Clara, give us a chance," he begged quietly.

Clara closed her eyes again. No matter what she said, it wouldn't get through to him. It was like the first time. The only way he understood what she was saying was when she walked away. This was what she had to do now.

"No Derek. You don't get it. You're chasing someone who fell out of love with you a long time ago. And while you're doing it, you're pushing away the only person who truly knows how to love unconditionally."

She turned and walked up the steps and Derek ran ahead of her, stopping her before she could open the door.

"Please Clara, I'm begging."

"You're begging the wrong person," she said, pushing past him and entered the house, bringing him another memory.

Derek was sitting on his bed, reading a comic book, glorifying that as of yesterday at the graduation, he was done with high school. "What!" he barked when a knock came on his door.

Casey opened his door but didn't step in. "Clara's here," she said.

Derek quickly threw down the comic book and sat on the bed. He could see Clara standing shyly behind Casey, looking a bit worried.

"Hey," he said softly at Clara. Then glaring at Casey, he said, "You can go now."

Casey hesitated for a second, looking at Clara and nodded. She walked to her room but kept the door open, listening intently to Derek's voice to be ready to step in and protect Clara.

"Come in," he said to her.

Clara shook her head. "Let's sit on the steps," she said pointing to the staircase.

Derek nodded, smiling a bit. Clara was always so innocent; she never once wanted to be alone with him in his room. He thought she just wasn't ready to take their relationship to the next step but really, she was afraid Casey wouldn't be able to hear them.

Clara walked and sat at the top step, nervously twisting her fingers together and biting her bottom lip. Derek sat next to her, brushing his shoulders with hers. Clara felt a tingle go through her because of the contact but quickly told herself to get a grip. She knew she had to do this for weeks but didn't want to stress Derek out so close to exams and graduation, so she waited until everything was done. She spent the entire morning convincing herself to do this and it was too late to back out now, she would never forgive herself if she didn't do this in person.

"So what's up?" Derek asked lightly when Clara didn't speak.

She was nervous. She planned to talk to Derek at the park for privacy but when she learned that no one but Derek and Casey were home, she changed her plans. Taking a deep breath, she whispered, "Derek I'm sorry."

"About what?" he said cautiously.

"I can't do this anymore," she replied in the same whisper.

"Do what?"

"This, us," she clarified. She could tell by how he tensed up that he understood and she waited for the blow-up and she wasn't disappointed.

"What! What are you talking about! Is it because we are going to be schooling in different cities? I told you Clara that we'll make it work and if we can't handle it, I'll quit school to be here with you."

"No Derek, I haven't been happy in this relationship for months."

"Months? Months! What the hell Clara, why didn't you talk to me about it!" he demanded.

"Because you would have acted like this! You would have been convinced that it was my fault because you're perfectly happy. I can't handle this anymore," Clara said a little louder now. She didn't shout though. She could never raise her voice.

"What can't you handle it? Just tell me Clara what I'm doing wrong and I'll change, I promise," he said, grasping her hands.

Clara laughed a humourless laugh while pulling her hands free. "Derek, we've been having the same conversation for like the fifth time now. I tell you I can't handle your temper and you claim that you can change and I believe you. I stay in this relationship that is literally killing me inside. I have nothing left to give you, to fight for us. It shouldn't be like this. This isn't a healthy relationship. I'm done, I'm sorry," Clara said
standing. She rushed down the stairs and Derek chased after her. Before she could make it out the door, Derek blocked her. He grabbed her shoulders to stop her.

"Please Clara, give me another chance, give us a chance," Derek begged.

"I can't Derek, I'm sorry, but I can't," Clara said, pushing past him, leaving the house, and closing the door behind her.

Derek stood there for a second, stunned because the one girl he loved was the one girl who dumped him. He then turned towards the stairs, planning to hide in his room. Clara had ripped out his heart and crushed it and all he wanted to do was wallow by himself. Placing a foot on the steps, he looked up seeing Casey standing at the top of them. He knew that she had heard everything. He could see her guilt on her face.

"Derek, I'm so sorry," Casey whispered.

"Sure you are. I bet you're happy, waiting privately to gloat in my misery," he said while walking up the stairs.

"Derek, I don't know why you always think the worst of me but I'm here for you. We're siblings, it's our job to be here for one another."

Derek stopped when he reached the same step as her. His height toppled over her and he always used it to try to intimidate her. "Correction: step-siblings. It's not our job to protect each other and don't you forget it. I'll never be there for you, got it? So, you can just go back into your room, hide in your books and pray that maybe one day you will be able to catch a poor sucker to drag you down the aisle. Don't count on it though," he
said patting her cheek before he went to his room slamming his bedroom door behind him.

"I'm still here for you," Casey called.

Derek heard her go to her room and close her door but he couldn't for the life of him understand why Casey said that. He didn't care though, he lost the only person he loved and vowed that he would never love anyone else.

Sam walked onto the porch, breaking Derek's thoughts. "You okay man?" he asked Derek, touching his shoulder.

"Yeah fine. Let's get out of here."

Sam nodded and they left as snowflakes began to fall.

"Hey, Sam, do you mind if I drive? I really need to take my mind off things."

Sam tossed him the keys without another word since he heard the entire conversation between Derek and Clara. He figured that he would talk to Derek after Derek had a chance to think.

---

It was just past five and Sam and Derek were still on the highway. There was a huge accident that slowed down traffic to a mere crawl for an hour. Soon after, the weather worsened drastically. Instead of just a few snowflakes when they left, they were now in a tremendous snowstorm. Neither one broke the silence until they reached London and Sam knew that they had to talk about it.

"So what now?" he asked Derek.

"What?" Derek questioned him.

"What are you going to do now? Your search for Clara is done, she isn't leaving her husband. What are you going to do now?"

"I was hoping that I could crash at your place until I found a place of my own and divorce Casey," Derek replied, not taking his eyes off the treacherous road as they entered London's city limits.

He was surprised when he heard Sam smack the dashboard. "Damn it Derek!"

"What!" Derek asked.

"When are you ever going to grow up! Did you hear a thing that Clara told you! You have a wife and children waiting for you to come home. Casey has been there for you ever since Clara dumped you. Yet you keep trying to push her away! Why can't you ever accept that at one time in your life, you loved Casey enough to marry her! Till death do you part and all that crap! You have never even tried to get to know her! What do you have to say?" he finally asked when Derek didn't say anything.

"I take you've chosen Casey's side, like always. Your wife has you whipped good Sam."

"Damn you Derek! Why can't you stop taking jabs and try to have an adult conversation! You know what, I give up. I can't do this anymore. You keep pushing everyone away and soon you will be alone, trying to remember the good times with Clara! You know what, she doesn't want you and I can't even understand why Casey would. I sure as hell don't want to be your friend!"

At this point, they were close to a mall. Derek pulled the car to the side of the road, clutching the wheel so hard that his knuckles were turning white. "Get out!" he screamed.

"What the hell Derek! This is my car!"

"I said, GET OUT!" he screamed again.

"Fine, consider this a goodbye present!" Sam retorted as he climbed out of the car. He barely had time to jump out of the way before Derek drove away. Since the snow was still coming in full force, Sam quickly walked into the mall and found a pay phone to tell his wife that he had failed Casey.

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