disclaimer: I owe nothing

Chapter 9: Breathing Space

Casey was scrubbing the same plate for the past ten minutes. She had spent the entire day trying to ignore her emotions. She cleaned, grocery shopped, did the laundry, and cooked an extravagant dinner - basically did anything that took up her time.

Now though, doing the dishes while her children silently played in the next room allowed her fears to creep up on her. The only thing that kept her from having an anxiety attack was that Sam was with Derek.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, breaking her thoughts. Casey dropped the plate back into the hot water, wiped her hands on her jeans and raced to the door. Looking first through the peephole, she then threw the door open. Standing on the other side was Sabrina, Sam, and their children.

"Where's Derek?" Casey demanded in a whisper.

She knew before either spoke that something was terribly wrong. She stepped aside to let them in but couldn't close the door. She felt that if she just kept it open longer, Derek would appear.

"Let's talk in the kitchen," Sam said gently, snapping Casey out of her trance. She nodded, closed the door against the terrible cold wind and walked into the kitchen, closing those doors also to keep the discussion away from the children.

"Where's Derek?" she asked again.

Sabrina and Sam shared a look, both not knowing how to begin.

"Maybe you should sit down. I'll make some tea," Sabrina said.

Casey slowly sat down at the table. "Tell me. Where's Derek?"

"We… don't know," Sam replied reluctantly.

"What do you mean 'don't know'?" Casey questioned.

Sam sighed. "When we went to see Clara, Derek asked her to basically run away with him. At her rejection, we left. He was driving as the snowstorm began. It took us longer to get here due to the snow and the accident on the highway. When we had reached London, we got into an argument over you and Clara and he was his classic pig-headed self. As a result, he kicked me out of my own car."

"And now he's somewhere driving in this storm?" Casey asked calmly.

"Yeah Casey, I'm sorry but you should have heard the things he said. I just couldn't take it anymore."

"We should all just forget about him and move forward," Sabrina put in, handing Casey some tea.

Casey stared at two of her closest friends. She placed the tea down and stood up. "Forget about him?" she asked, stunned at their advice. "I can't forget him anymore than I can forget to breathe. I love him as much as you love each other and I can't just shut it off. It killed me to tell you where Clara was but I did it because I want Derek to be happy no matter where he is or whom he's with. And I gave you only one job Sam, only one. All you had to do was take him to see Clara and bring him back safely and you failed. God Sam, you're the adult! Derek is still eighteen, a reckless eighteen year old, driving in a snowstorm. For all I know, he could be lying in a ditch dying and you two just stand there and advise me to just forget about him. Just like that!" she said to them.

"He wants to divorce you. I'm sorry Casey, I really am," Sam said.

A silence fell upon the three adults while Casey absorbed the information. She felt like she wanted to die inside but knew that she had to keep moving forward. "It doesn't matter now. What matters is finding Derek before he kills someone or himself. We can talk about the end of marriages later. We need to call everyone we know to help with the search," she instructed, trying to push her emotions away so that they wouldn't swallow her, bringing her into complete agony.

---

The search was terrible, Edwin concluded. Since the moment that Casey had phoned him, he had been looking for Derek. They tried everywhere they could think that an eighteen-year-old Derek would go. It was just past seven in the morning and Edwin had spent the entire night trying to find Derek. He only once returned to Casey's house to get more coffee but resolved not to go back until Derek was found because of how Casey looked. She was expecting the worst of the situation and she looked like she aged twenty years in those few hours.

He had offered to take her children for the next day for a sleepover in case they hadn't found Derek or had. He figured either way, Casey wouldn't be up to taking care of her children.

Edwin slammed his hands on the steering wheel when he reached a red traffic light. He'd already passed this light five times trying to find any sign of Derek. The only good thing about this situation was that around five in the morning, it stopped snowing. He angrily punched in Casey's home phone number into his cell, hoping that he could end his search. It was answered on the second ring.

"Hello?" Lizzie asked eagerly.

"Hey Liz. Any progress?"

Lizzie sighed. "No, none."

"Damn! I've been all around London at least twenty times not to mention the rest of our family and Casey's friends. Where the hell can he be?"

"I don't know. We've checked the malls, restaurants, heck even Casey's cop friend is helping. He's either driving or hiding outside of London."

"Brainstorm with me Lizzie. Remember when we use to do research on our siblings."

"You mean spy."

"Yes, spy, whatever. Where would Derek usually go?"

"The mall or his job."

"Yes, but where could he go that would be secluded enough yet open for Derek to be in the wee hours of the morning?"

Both stepsibling seemed to have the same idea at once.

"The park!" they both cried in unison.

"I'm going to check it out. I'll call if I have anymore information. Ed out," he said, closing his cell phone and speeding to the park, feeling stupid that he forgot.

He reached the park in no time and recognized Sam's car in the description that he gave. Pulling up aside it, he saw Derek on the swing, staring at his shoes. Edwin quickly walked to him, sitting on the swing beside him.

"Hey," Edwin said.

"Hey."

"So, would you like to tell me why you and Sam got into a fight and then decided to spend the night in a park or do you just intend to stare at your shoes for all the answers?"

"Clara doesn't want me," Derek confessed.

"Those are the brakes kid. Sometimes people love something that they can't have. I love peanut butter but I had to give it up when my oldest developed an allergy to it."

Derek looked up from the ground, amazed at how much older Edwin looked from the Edwin in his memories. "Were we close before I was shot?" he asked.

"Well, after you started dating Casey. You changed into someone that I admired and our relationship, in fact every member of the family's relationship with you turned out great."

Derek scoffed. "So you're on team Casey too. I hate how everyone keeps telling me how amazing she is, as if she's a saint. Everyone thinks she's perfect."

Edwin surprised Derek by laughing. "We don't think she's perfect Derek. Far from it."

"Could've fooled me," Derek muttered.

"Did you know that Casey slapped Lizzie once? Right across the face in dad and Nora's kitchen," Edwin told.

Derek looked at him, wanting to know more. "Why?"

"Well, this was back when you were first in a coma. In those first couple of months, Casey tried to do everything herself. Ben had terrible colic and only slept at maybe an hour at a time and never during the night. Therefore, Casey didn't get much sleep herself. Usually when Ben was sleeping, she would clean, cook, grocery shop, play with Lily and Ella, etc. She looked like a zombie but whenever anyone offered to help her, she always said no.

"It got so bad that when Marti once went over and walked into the living room, Casey was asleep even though Ben was screaming in her arms and the girls were having tantrums, fighting over a toy. The noise was deafening yet Casey didn't wake up because she was just so exhausted. Even then, Casey denied that she needed help. All of us walked into scenes like that and Lizzie and Casey got into an argument about it when we were all over at dad and Nora's house. Casey was angry, stubborn, sleep deprived and Lizzie said some insulting things that she lashed out without thinking and slapped Lizzie."

"What did Lizzie do?"

"You know Lizzie, a no-nonsense girl. She slapped her right back and said 'good, now that we have that cleared, I'm coming over tomorrow to take the kids while you sleep. If I find out that you did something besides sleep, I'm going to drug your drink with sleeping pills the next time.' Casey replied 'trust me, I don't need the sleeping pills,'" Edwin finished the story.

"That's just one of the events that Casey's stubbornness had gotten in her way from seeing reason," Edwin continued. "Her stubbornness is just one of her vices that stops her from being perfect. A few others are that she doesn't have much of a backbone around you. She tries to be emotionally detached from the world even though it never works. She never ever complains anymore. She could be bleeding to death and would try to convince people that she was fine. With these vices though come virtues. If Casey wasn't stubborn, then Derek, you wouldn't be here. She fought with everyone to keep you alive. No matter what we said, that you would probably never wake up, that she needs to let go and move on, Casey didn't care. She kept you alive. You owe her your life Derek. Don't you think that you should at least care about her?"

"I do care about her. I stopped her form being raped. Stopped her from getting hurt."

"Physically yes, but emotionally, think how much you're hurting her."

Derek ran his hands through his hair. "Were you always this philosophical?"

"Not really. What can I say? You bring out the lectures from me."

"I'm getting lectures from my fifteen year old brother," Derek laughed.

"Thirty. I'm thirty Derek. But hey, who's counting?"

Both chuckled at the comment. "Well, I guess we should go."

"As long as we go to Casey's, I'm all for it."

"Sure, we'll go," Derek said, not knowing where else he would go at the moment.

"I'll follow behind you," Edwin said as they both got up and walked to their cars.

What they both failed to notice though was a lone car, parked down the street, watching them. The driver banged his hands on the wheel. If he had only gotten here sooner, he could have killed Derek and made it look like an accident. Unfortunately, Edwin had found him first.

---

"Here Casey, drink some tea," Sabrina said, holding the teacup.

Casey shook her head. "I don't want any," she replied.

Casey hadn't eaten or drank or slept since the day before. She could barely function because she was so worried. She wanted to help with the search but everyone said no. So, she settled for sitting on the couch, waiting for someone to find Derek.

"Come on, you have to drink something," Sabrina urged.

"Where are my children?" Casey asked, realizing that they would be up by now.

Sabrina sighed, placing the tea on the coffee table and sitting beside her, grabbing her hand. Sam sat on the other side of Casey, holding her other hand. "In the kitchen, eating breakfast with my children and Anna," Sabrina told her.

Casey nodded, slightly detached from the world. She looked up at Emily, who looked very uncomfortable. She didn't know what to do. Emily wanted to help Casey but didn't know any words to reassure her.

"Hey Em," Casey said.

Emily looked up from her pacing. "Yeah?"

"What are your plans for tonight? I mean, if Derek is found," Casey asked, needing a little bit of a distraction.

"Well, Darrin and I were going to see a play. We're celebrating our month anniversary. We do it every month on the fifteenth."

"You excited?"

"Yeah, really excited. I never had such a long relationship."

Casey nodded. "I'm happy for you," she said giving her a sad smile before she resumed to silence.

She glanced around, seeing who was here and who was out searching. She faintly acknowledged that Lizzie was by the TV talking quietly to Jim who was called when Derek had been missing for a few hours. Jim couldn't do much because Derek had to be missing for forty-eight hours before the police could get involved but he was trying unofficially to help. Besides Emily pacing, her sister and Jim talking and Sam and Sabrina sitting beside her, no one else was in the living room

Casey looked up when she heard the front door open and gasped, so grateful that he was here. Derek had come home.

"Derek," she whispered.

Derek couldn't believe what he was seeing. Casey looked like she went through hell. Her eyes were bloodshot with deep circles around them. She looked so fragile; her hair was in different places and make-up smeared. Derek realized that what Edwin said was true. She cared about him so much that she had gone through agony while he sat in the park. For once, he felt guilty.

His mind registered that everyone was silent from Sam and Sabrina sitting on the couch with Casey, to Lizzie, Jim, and Emily standing in the room and Anna, who was standing in the kitchen. Judging by the sounds in the kitchen, he figured that she was taking care of the children. Even Edwin, who came behind him said nothing.

"Well, nice of you to show up," Sam said breaking the silence. "You have no idea how badly I want to hurt you," he continued, stalking over to him, his fists clenched, ready to attack.

"Sam, don't," Casey whispered, standing up.

Derek's guilt grew. She sounded like she didn't have the strength to even fight anymore. He realized that he caused this. He broke Casey. He didn't love her but for the first time, he cared about her. Really actually cared about her. He watched Sam lift up his fist slowly but then dropped it, sighing, defeated too.

"Well if you're not going to do it, I will!" Sabrina said, walking over to Derek. Before anyone had time to move, Sabrina slapped him.

Sam quickly moved in front of Sabrina in case Derek lost his temper, but it wasn't needed. Derek was no longer angry but depressed.

"You call that a slap?" Anna asked stomping over. She raised her hand and hit Derek with all the strength she could muster. "Now that's a slap," she declared.

Derek still remained immobile. They could have beaten him to death and he wouldn't have moved.

"That's enough," Casey said in a normal voice, sensing that Lizzie was ready to slap Derek too. "I think it's time for everyone to leave. I'm sure Derek is tired. Edwin, you're still taking my children for a sleepover after school, right?"

Edwin nodded and everyone began to pile out. First Edwin and Casey's children, though no child even acknowledged Derek. Each just gave Casey a hug before running outside. The other followed assuring Casey that they'd spread the news of Derek's return, though Sam and Sabrina hesitated.

"Go, please," she said quietly. They both nodded and left with their children, leaving Derek standing in the hallway and Casey standing near the couch. She was the first to speak. "You need ice for your cheek," she said, walking into the kitchen. Derek followed her, sitting at the table.

"Casey, I'm sorry that I gave you such a terrible scare. I didn't realize," Derek said.

Casey had her back facing him as she placed ice cubes onto a towel. Tears filled her eyes but she refused to let them drop. "It's all right Derek. You couldn't have known," she replied.

"The thing is though, I do care about you, Casey, but I don't love you, I'm sorry. I would like a divorce."

Casey nodded, walking over to him. Her heart was shattering inside but she refused to let him see her tears. She knelt in front of him, holding his face in her hands, using the ice as an excuse to actually touch him. She looked directly into his eyes before she spoke.

"If that is truly what you want, then I'll give it to you," she whispered.

Only Derek didn't hear her. Seeing her kneeling in front of him brought back another memory. He recognized this scene as the night that Casey was almost raped.

Derek opened Casey's dorm door, ushering her inside. He turned on the light and Casey went to her closet, putting on a sweater over top of her torn one while Derek went to her mini-fridge and pulled out a cold pack. She sat on her bed while he sat beside her, placing the cold pack gently on her cheek. She winced at the cold, sucking a quick breath.

"Sorry," Derek said.

"It's all right," she said quietly.

There was a brief pause. They both felt somewhat relaxed with the silence. Casey though knew she may never get this chance again and decided to take it.

"Derek, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, shoot," he replied.

"Well… when I first met you, you were annoying but fun-loving. Then last year, you would explode at the drop of a hat. Literally, Edwin dropped your hat and you screamed at him. What I want to know, is what happened to make you hate the world?" Casey questioned tentatively unsure of Derek's reaction.

Derek didn't know at first either but decided to let Casey in on his deepest kept secret. "I found out that my mom cheated on my dad when they were first married," he told.

"I'm sorry Derek," Casey said, trying to understand the betrayal that he felt.

"That's not all of it. One day, I overheard a conversation with my mom and dad. They were having an argument because the man that she had an affair with wanted to meet me. Now I began to wonder why this man would want to meet me, just me, not Edwin and Marti too. I realized that maybe I wasn't George's son. Maybe I was this man's. I got a paternity test, secretly taking some of dad's hair and my own. Turns out, I'm not his son. All these years, I've been living a lie." He dropped the bombshell and turned away from Casey, unable to face her.

"Oh Derek," Casey said, turning to him. He wouldn't look at her. He was hurting too much. Casey knelt before him, holding his head between her hands.

"Look at me," she commanded. He stared into her eyes, waiting for her to continue.

"Is this why you've been so angry? Why you've been using your temper to punish everyone, because George isn't your father?"

"He lied to me. I can't forgive him for something so horrible."

"But don't you see? He probably lied because he was afraid that you wouldn't love him. That you would turn away form him and I know George loves you so much that he couldn't bear that."

"How do you know that he loves me? I'm not his kid."

"This stranger may be your biological father but George is the one who raised you, who loves you. I know he loves you because he puts up with you. All your schemes and pranks. Even after all those tantrums, he's stayed with you. Everyone in our family has because they love you."

"Really? Do you love me Casey?"

Casey paused, biting her lip before she spoke. "I love you more than you probably want to know."

Derek leaned in slowly and brushed his lips against hers. At first it was gentle but Derek suddenly felt the need to kiss her, hold her, love her. They finally broke apart only when they needed air. Derek began to trail kisses down her jaw, neck, and collarbone.

"I hope you mean that in a non-sibling way," he murmured in between the kisses.

"Most definitely," she whispered.

As suddenly as that memory had surfaced, more flashed into his head.

"Dad, I love you, you're my father, no one else," Derek said as George hugged him…

FLASH

"You two are dating! Holy Hell!" Edwin cried…

FLASH

"It's okay if I never play hockey again. It might be a good thing. I'm enjoying my business classes more and more," Derek told Casey…

FLASH

"Of course I'll marry you Derek! Of course!" Casey choked out through tears…

FLASH

"Derek, I'm pregnant, you shouldn't be spinning me around!" Casey exclaimed…

FLASH

"You're pregnant again! I'm totally a stud!" Derek laughed…

FLASH

"I can't believe we own our own business!" Sam cried…

FLASH

"Happy birthday Derek!" a chorus cheered…

FLASH

"Casey, I love you."

"I love you too Derek."…

The memories kept coming. Not all in order and there were still some blank holes but enough resurfaced. Derek stared at Casey, with a new realization in his eyes: his wife, his love, his life. He saw the pain that Casey endured by loving him so much.

"Oh Casey," he said resting his forehead against hers. "What have I done?" He pulled away, standing up and bringing her up with him. "What have I done?" he whispered again, hugging her.

Casey pulled back, looking at him, complete wonder in her eyes. "Derek, is it really you, are you back?" she asked too scared to hope.

"Not all of my memory, but, baby, I'm back."

Casey drew back to look at him. They shared a smile for a second and then she slapped him.

"Ow!" Derek cried. "What was that for?"

"For asking for a divorce. Do you have any idea how much that was killing me inside? You jerk!" she shouted, smacking his chest.

Derek grabbed her shoulders and kissed her, stopping her from trying to fight him. "I know. I'm sorry. I'll never ask for it again. I'll never let you go. I love you too much," he said, brushing his knuckles along her cheek. "I know it'll take a while for you to forgive me but I'm willing to do anything to make it up to you. First though, you probably need food," he said, releasing his hold on her and walking to the refrigerator.

"Actually, I'd rather just go to sleep on a real bed, not the couch," Casey replied.

Derek turned to her, grinning and picked her up, bridal-style. "Babe, I wouldn't have it any other way," he said, leading her to the master bedroom while kissing her. They broke apart when they reached the threshold of the room.

"Derek, I meant actual sleep in a bed, not sex," she clarified.

"Well, now," Derek said, deep in thought. "If you think about it, I've done enough sleep for the both of us for the past five years, I think it's time to make up for some things," he replied before placing her on the bed and climbing on top of her.

---

Casey woke up for the first time in five years with a smile on her face. She reached across the bed and only popped her eyes open when all she felt was sheets. Derek wasn't lying beside her. She lifted her head, wondering if it had all been a dream. She began to panic a bit, only to stop when Derek walked in, holding a tray with food on it.

He grinned, looking at her face. He almost smacked himself when she smiled back. How could he have wanted something that wasn't Casey? "I made breakfast," he said, sitting on the bed.

Casey sat up, pulling up the sheets with her to cover her naked body. She felt slightly vulnerable, seeing Derek with pants on when she had nothing. She glanced at the clock then smiled back at him.

"Derek, it's nine o'clock at night, I think this is called a late dinner."

"Well, whatever it is, just eat. I don't know about you but after all the activity we did today, I'm famished," he grinned.

Casey grinned back. "I should say so. Five years of celibacy has been quite a drag."

"You never… you know… had a lover when I was in a coma?" Derek asked her.

Casey put down the toast that she had just bitten. "Derek, of course not. How could you even question that?" she asked him. "I love you."

"Well, sometimes sex and love are separate," he stated uncertainly.

"I wouldn't want to make love with anyone but you and that's what I want sex to be, making love and only with you," she interrupted, picking up her toast again.

She hadn't realized until then that she was starving. They ate all the food in silence. Casey was too hungry to talk and Derek was too pensive to talk.

"Hey Casey…" Derek began.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Remember when Detective Waters told you that I had a memory of the day I was shot."

"Yeah?"

"Well, the shooter said something that I didn't know what he meant. When I told the detective, he advised me to ask friends and family members about it but I was too much of an ass back then to ask you for help."

"Uh-huh," Casey pushed when he paused. "What did he say?"

"I asked him what he wanted, expecting him to want money but he replied, 'the death of your daisy,'" he finished.

He looked over at Casey and saw that he had completely frozen. She looked like she wasn't staring at him but through him.

"Case? Casey?" he asked, slightly shaking her shoulder. "What is it?"

"Derek," she paused, now looking at him. "I know who tried to kill you," she declared.

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