Chapter 5

Secrets of Spies

This chapter is dedicated to my long time friend and beta, Hse Hissie who enthusiastically offered to help even though she only knows of Illya through my obsession and has no clue what I am rabbiting on about half the time anyway. To my best friend, Napoleon will still be that evil French dude who invaded Poland and had a thing about horses or that really horrible doctor who decided that she needed a full blood works and X-ray for a sore knee.

Once again they found themselves in Conference Room three which, thankfully, this time was dry. Kate already had her suspicions as to the extent of the relationship between the blond and his "partner".

There's definitely something going on between them – more than friendship. I really need to get better at reading men. They're ticking all the right boxes anyway: side ways glances – tick! Subtle contact – tick! "Forbidden love" all over their faces – tick!'

She closed her imagination and opened her mind to the other happenstances in the room.

Tony was fighting with the wall mounted plasma while Gibbs hovered creepily over his shoulder (and I say this in the most affectionate way, Gibbs if you're reading this. I know narrators are not supposed to get involved but this constitutes extremely special circumstances) with yet another cup of coffee. Illya was seated patiently at the long, mahogany table, chin rested on triangled fingers while the one who was called Napoleon alternated between pacing up and down the length of the room and standing with his hands on the back of a chair or on Illya's shoulders. Fornell and Sammi were in the midst of a whispered yet heated argument.

'You should have never –'

'What else was I supposed to do? Let him shoot Polya?'

'You could have gotten yourself killed! In fact – you did!'

'I'm alive now, aren't I?'

'That's not the point! The point is –'

'YES!' Tony had finally managed to work the screen. A full sized desktop photo of his prized '90 Z1 Corvette filled the screen. He hadn't gotten around to changing it after the car was totalled in a high speed police chase a couple of weeks before. Gibbs turned, blocking the majority of the screen and addressed the still pacing American. 'Now you can tell us what's going on. Starting with, who you are.'

Napoleon tried one last time. 'Can we trust them? Can we trust them with the truth?'

Illya gazed up at his counterpart with unmasked affection. 'I do, Napasha. They deserve to know.'

Napoleon sighed and straightened and Gibbs expected a name, rank and serial number to follow.

'Napoleon Solo: American spy and UNCLE agent. I specialise in people. Over there, Samantha Martinev or Karin Kuryana as we knew her. She is our Australian counterpart specialising in guns and computers and my partner, Illya Nickovetch (did I say it right?) Kuryakin, top cat burglar and close combat fighter. We are UNCLE's best agents. Sammi – I suppose I should call you Karin now. Would you care to do the honours?'

Karin/Sammi took over the laptop, typing codes at a speed that would make the programmers of the Geneva computer base proud. Pretty soon a bright yellow background filled the screen.

'Okay, so, UNCLE. If you look us up on Wikipedia or any website at all it will tell you we are a fictional, secret international intelligence agency created for a book, TV and movie series. We figured the easiest way to hide from the world was right under their noses. We let everyone believe we didn't exist in reality – only in fiction. Unfortunately, THRUSH adopted the same idea.'

Sammi pulled up the Wikipedia pages for UNCLE and THRUSH to emphasise her point followed by the pages dedicated to Illya and Napoleon. Disappointedly, Sammi added, 'I don't have a page…'

Illya took over. 'The United Network Command for Law and Enforcement was our full title. The headquarters was situated in New York, near the lower East 40s and headed by Mr. Alexander Waverly who passed quite a few years ago. As top agents, Napoleon and I were sent to all corners of the globe and expected not to come back. We always did but it came at a price. There was always a price.'

His voice began to shake and Napoleon placed a firm hand on Illya's shoulder, close to the base of his neck and continued where his товарищ had left off. 'The Technological Hierarchy for the Removal of Undesirables and the Subjugation of Humanity was our main enemy and the enemy of the world. Their aim was for world domination, world desolation, the usual – you know how it is? Some days it's like Dick Tracy.'

Tony's brain finally registered a topic he was familiar with. '1945 original renamed Dick Tracy, Detective with Morgan Conway as Tracy and Anne Jeffreys as Tess Trueheart?'

'Yeah, you know that café?'

'The Hangman's Noose?'

'Yeah, UNCLE owns that place. We use it as a kinda "safe date" place.'

'Seriously?'

Illya's eyes gained a humorous glaze. Kate had a startling revelation. 'You two aren't related, are you?'

Illya let a sly smile play across his lips. 'It is possible.'

Eyes widened at the unthinkable. It was bad enough having one DiNozzo around let alone two. 'It is true. You are both of Italian descent, personality profiles match and you did say you had siblings, Napoleon. As you American's say: "You never know."'

Napoleon layered his voice with poison though joking threads threatened to poke out. 'Hedonistic Russian.'

Illya's reply was just as assured. 'Decadent American.'

'Tease.'

Sammi hung her head in her hands from pure frustration. 'Ay, yey, yey. For God's sake just snog and be done with it! You two are maddening! A blind wombat could read between the lines. Geez!'

Silence: Their cover had been shot down like a German aircraft over the Thames in the London Blitz. Napoleon was the one to break the silence. 'I wish you wouldn't pout like that, Illyusha. It makes me want to kiss you.'

'All the more reason to pout, Pasha.'

'For God's sake, Polya. Are you waiting for an engraved invitation?' Sammi had found the right time to vent her frustration.

It was Illya, who was in the process of standing who answered. 'No, but I am waiting for him to be put off his guard.' Illya grabbed his surprised lover by the lapels and pulled him, unresisting, into a fiery embrace. Nearly thirty years of separation snapped and Sammi was afraid they would take it too far but UNCLE had taught them to control their feelings until they were behind closed doors.

I swear, if I hear so much as a hint of "is that a gun/communicator in you pocket?" I'll make sure neither of them have a happy Father's Day ever again. I wonder where my Toby's gotten himself off to.

Quite a while ago, Fornell had slunk silently out in search of decent coffee. He didn't know what Gibbs drank but it certainly wasn't coffee.

Untangled and with seriousness back into place, Illya asked one of the many questions he had been meaning to ask. 'Down in Autopsy, I –'

Napoleon finished his sentence. 'I know you wouldn't have shot me. That's never going to change.'

'What was in that hypodermic?'

'Always the scientist, Illyusha.'

Sammi brought her head up, closing her eyes to help memory recall.

'"". Red Dwarf stole the chemical name for their season eight final. They had no clue what it was though.'

'We had our best scientists working on it for decades. It took them so long because, before he left, Mr. Kuryakin reorganized the lab again.'

'Oh, shut up, Pasha and don't move. You're just the right height for a back rest. How long did you say this stuff takes to wear off?'

'That's not the drug, Illya, that's my aftershave.'

'Well it's revolting.'

Gibbs made for the door. Kate cast suspicious eyes towards her boss. 'Where are you going, Gibbs?'

'To get coffee.'

Tony saw his only route of escape from this nauseating room. 'Can I come, Boss?'

'Nope.'