Note: They own it.

Hearts and Thoughts

Chapter 5

Your face

EPOV

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I sat on my bed staring up at my ceiling, replaying the last 6 hours of my night.

We had all gone to Port Angeles for a group outing, and I had wanted it to be a date with Bella, but it wasn't and I knew it. Now, I was not so sure. Was it a date? It kinda felt like a date.

Everyone had paired off during the afternoon and early evening, leaving Bella and I together alone to browse the book and music stores after dinner. It could be, by anyone's standards, be a real date. I laid there wondering if Bella thought it was, or, if I was just kidding myself.

I did everything I would normally do if it had been a real date, everything, but kiss her goodnight. I wanted to. Badly. I opened all of her doors, I helped her with her coat and chair at dinner and I insisted that the guys pay for dinner. I even bought her ice-cream for desert. I was not even aware that I was acting like I was on a date, I was just enjoying my time with her. On other dates, I had to think about how to treat a girl right, but with Bella it just came naturally. I wanted be a gentleman.

I think it was a date. A pseudo-date? A faux date? Shit. I wished I could read her mind and know what the hell she thought it was.

At the end of the evening I held her hand. I held her hand. She had stumbled out of the passenger side door, right as I was walking around the side of the car to open her door. Like a gentleman. I did not intentionally try to hold her hand, I was just trying to catch her before he bit it face first on the ground, but I had intentionally not let go once she had steadied herself.

I had thought about holding her hand earlier when we were in the music shop looking at cds, but she had reached away to grab a cd off the shelf that she thought I might like.

As we walked hand in hand to Bella's front door. I walked her to her door. I kept stealing glances at her. Her face was a beautiful shade of crimson. She was blushing, and looking at her feet when she walked. I was not sure if she was embarrassed by her stumble, and was now concentrating on not falling again, or if she was blushing from her hand being wrapped in mine.

When we reached her front porch, she turned slowly toward me and lifted just her eyes to meet mine. She looked shy, and flirtatious all at the same time. I wanted to reach out and put my hand under her chin and lift her face to meet mine. I wanted to watch her slowly close her eyes and lean in with anticipation of my kiss. I wanted to run my hand behind her head and into her long dark hair and hold her steadily while I pressed my lips to hers. I wanted her.

She quickly said "Thanks, for today" and looked away immediately, fidgeting through her purse for her keys. Not the sign that she wanted to be kissed. No Kiss.

" I had fun…maybe we can do this again?" I asked hopefully. She simply replied "Sure, that'd be great" and turned to unlock her door.

The more that I analyzed the night, the more confused I got. Maybe it wasn't a date. Her response to my sad attempt of asking her out on another date was met with a friendly "Sure".

Sure?

This was not a date, at least not in Bella's mind. Damn.

As Bella struggled with her house key, I let go of her hand and reached into my jacket pocket and retrieved the cd that I had purchased for her in Port Angeles. She had said she did not own it, that she only had a few of the songs on her ipod. While Alice and Jasper made goo goo eyes at one another and Emmett and Rose sucked face saying their long goodbyes I slipped away quickly and ran back into the store and bought her the cd. The way that it made me feel earlier in the afternoon to watch Bella sing along to Alive, made me feel alive. I had to give it to her.

She tried to protest the small gift, but I wanted her to have it.

"Thanks, but you didn't have..."

"I wanted to." I said suddenly feeling exposed.

I quickly looked down and shuffled my feet for lack of anything better to do to ease my growing embarrassment. I bought her a gift. She was probably at home thinking I was a total tool bag. It wasn't even a real date, and I bought her a gift. Kill me.

"Well, I guess I'll see you Monday?" I said looking up and locking eyes with her. Not knowing what emotion was stronger, wanting to grab her face and kiss her hard officially making this a date, or to leave with what dignity I had left.

Friends can buy each other gifts. It's not like it's a diamond ring, it's a Pearl Jam CD for fuck sake.

I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked back to my car.

Alice shouted goodbye to Bella from the front seat of the car and then immediately began to vibrate until we were out of hearing range of Bella's house.

" OMG!" she shouted.

" Shit, Alice! Tone it down."

"Fine. Then I guess you do not want to talk about your first date with Bella. I will just have to call her when we get home and see how she thought it went."

"Alice" I growled, " You will not, and it was not a date!"

"It most certainly was and I most certainly will. If you won't spill, I will get her too."

I knew I was losing a losing battle, so I succumbed.

"Shit Alice. It was not a date…I think."

Still trying to figure that one out myself.

"Edward, it was totally a date."

"Alice, this conversation is over, and you will not ask Bella anything. Got it!" I said sternly.

"Fine." She said with a huff, but then gleefully smiled all the way home, knowing it was pretty damn close.

As I drifted off to sleep, seeing Bella's face when my lids closed, I continued to think about our non date and how badly I hoped to take her out on a real one and get that goodnight kiss.

BPOV

All weekend long I thought about Edward and our "date". I felt conflicted. I kinda wanted it to be a date, and I kinda of didn't.

I knew that there was no denying that I find him attractive. That was putting it mildly. Most times I saw him, I wanted to rip his clothes off as quickly as possible and have him heal my aching for him, but on the flip side, I had grown to have a real friendship with him and Alice, and did not want anything to jeopardize that. I was also leaving in six months to start college and did not need to have something, or more specifically someone, complicating my dreams and aspirations.

My mother met my dad in the spring before leaving to go off to Brown herself and by that July she was six weeks pregnant with me. She put her dreams on hold to marry my father and raise a family.

Growing up she always told me her greatest achievement in life was having me and being Charlie's wife. She never regretted not going to college or not having her own career, but she had higher ambitions for me. She constantly told me how there was time to do both in my life, to be young and experience college life, reach my career goals and have personal success and then to be in love and experience the joys of being married and becoming a mother.

She wanted everything for me.

Edward was complicating my plans. My plans to leave this little town. I didn't want to fall head over heels for someone and not really enjoy college life, having a long distance relationship. I wanted to go to fraternity parties and date dances. I wanted to kiss random boys and giggle with my sorority sisters about it. I want to immerse myself into my studies too. I wanted to get the full experience of learning all that I can. I'd get my degree in literature and go to a city, any big city, and work at a publishing house, while I wrote my own book. Edward was complicating my plans.

The way he looked at me sometimes, with his emerald green eyes piercing right into my soul, with his wildly untamed hair calling me to run my fingers through it, and his devilishly beautiful smile that pulled me to him like a magnet that's only purpose was to be connected to him, mind, body and soul was complicating my plans.

Very. Very. Complicated.

By Sunday evening I had decided that it was not a date. I had imaged the entire thing and that all of the crazy mixed up feelings I was having were first off, surely one sided anyway, but completely outrageous. I was determined to push them away and continue to just be friends with Edward Cullen.

" Hey Bella" Edward said when I sat down at our lab desk Monday morning, looking more dashing than ever, although he had slight circles under his eyes.

"Hi." I said back nonchalantly, "Tired?"

"You could say that. I didn't…uhh…sleep real well this weekend."

I looked at him inquisitively with a raised eyebrow.

"Just a lot on my mind. So, how was the rest of your weekend?"

"Good. Quite. Charlie was fishing all weekend, so I just pretty much hung out and relaxed."

I didn't want to give away that he wasn't the only one who could barely sleep all weekend. I had a lot of him on my mind. Thank goodness for makeup.

"How's Alice? She didn't call all weekend. Is she still missing Jasper pretty bad?"

"Yeah, Jasper had to cancel his trip this coming weekend. He's going with his parents to look at a few colleges in Seattle, so she is pretty bummed."

"Well, this coming weekend I'll be home alone again, so maybe Alice will want to come over and stay. You know some good girl bonding. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to, and just veg out with."

"If it wasn't my sister who was going to be over, I'd ask if there will be any pillow fights that might be happening and if there was a judge needed?"

" Ha, very funny! No, no pillow fights. Some snuggling, in our bras and panties, but no pillow fights."

"My eyes!" he said laughing while he rubbed his palms over his eyes, trying to wipe the vision away.

"You asked for it."

He deserved that.

"I guess I did." he said sheepishly, " Touché."

It was nice. All weekend I wondered if it was going to be awkward today, not knowing what Edward thought Friday night was, but we were being ourselves. My over active imagination, thinking I had gone on a date with Edward was now making me feel like a stupid girl with silly assumptions.

In second period, Alice was not her normal bouncy self. The teacher asked us to paint a self portrait and Alice covered her entire canvas with one black tear drop. When the teacher inquired, she said she was going through an abstract phase with her art. Mrs. Cope was not amused, but art is subjective and the class was pass fail, so as long as you painted something, you were good to go.

"Alice, Edward told me that Jasper can't come up this weekend. I'm sorry."

"It's ok. I'm more upset at what he is doing, rather than the fact I won't be able to see him."

"Isn't he looking at some colleges…with his parents?" I inquired, not sure what was so upsetting. It's not like he was going to be able to hook up with some college girl in a night of drunken fun.

"I know, it's just the idea that in a few months he'll be gone, away to college, and I'll just be some high school girl he barely thinks about."

"Alice, Jasper is crazy about you, and Seattle is only 4 hours away, you guys will see each other plenty."

This conversation was the complete justification for my worries about Edward. I did not want to be freaking out about when I will see him again, and wondering if he is hanging out with other girls while he's away at college, and keeping myself from enjoying my own experiences. Long distance does not work. Not for me.

I however could not fault Alice. She was, by all accounts, totally and completely in love with Jasper. Everyone has different dreams in life, and Alice's dream is to marry Jasper and live happily ever after. Anything in between, was just filler.

I kinda loved that about Alice. She lived from the heart, she was all fairy tales and happen endings.

"How about a sleepover at my house this weekend? Mani-Pedi's, Pretty in Pink, and pigging out on ice cream?"

"Really? Bella, that would be great!"

"Good! I need some girl time too."

I didn't want to bring Alice down by mentioning my real reason for wanting some quality girl time, this coming weekend was the third anniversary of my mom's passing. Charlie was going to go up to the cabin that he and my mom honeymooned at. He did it every year, and that was ok with me. He liked to remember her happy and he always said that she never smiled more than she did that week, at that cabin by the lake.

I usually spent this weekend with Rose, but she was leaving for her cousins wedding in Portland for the weekend. She felt awful, but was a bridesmaid and I insisted that she go and have fun.

Just having Alice around, with her unusually happy disposition would be wonderful relief from a seemingly dark day of remembrance. I wanted to spend the day smiling and laughing and celebrating life, as my mom had wanted for me to do on this day.

The week passed quickly and Friday night was nearly over. Charlie and I had a nice home cooked meal. We spent hours in the kitchen together making all our favorite recipes that my mom used to make. We sat and talked about her and remembered and shared some of our most treasured memories. It was our tradition.

Charlie headed up to bed around 9:30, to get a good night sleep before waking early to head to the cabin a few hours outside of town. I slide into my bed, grabbed my journal, and sat quietly thinking about my mom and how much I missed her.

The phone rang suddenly, and snapped me out of my thoughts abruptly.

"Hey Alice. What's up?" I whispered quietly to not wake Charlie.

"Bella, I'm so excited! Jaspers parents invited me to come along to visit colleges with them this weekend. Apparently they say I'm the best thing that has happened to him. 'That his bad boy attitude to life has become increasingly 'less bad' and more 'boy… in love'.' I swear that is an exact quote from his mom!"

I yanked the phone from my ear as to not suffer permanent hearing loss from Alice's squeals.

I was happy for her. Truly.

"Alice, that is amazing! I told you Jasper is crazy about you, even his mom sees it."

"Oh, Bella. I just feel terrible canceling our sleepover. I was really looking forward to it. Can we do it another weekend?"

"Of course Alice, have so much fun and call me when you get home. I want to hear all about it." I said sincerely.

"Thank you Bella, I love you so much!" Alice squealed again into the phone, making me flinch at the deafening sound.

"Love you too! Have fun! Bye."

I closed my cell phone, slumped back into my bed, and readied myself for a harder day than I had expected to have.

Alone. All. Alone.

I fell asleep seeing her face.

My mom.