Ranma ½ was created by Takahashi Rumiko, and is owned by Kitty, Shonen Sunday Comics, Viz Video. Not me.

The Potion

Chapter Four

Are ya really sure about this, Akane? Ranma looked quite worried. I mean, you've gotten a lot better recently, especially in the last twenty-four hours, but Shampoo's dangerous.

Got to do this before they find out about our connection. Besides, my plan would work, right?

Still feels like there's somethin' wrong...somethin' we missed. Ranma shrugged. Well, your time to back out has just ended...Nekohanten's just there, an' it looks like the old Ghoul's already spotted me.

Give me the signal and I will burst through the window as we planned. Ranma could feel Akane steel herself. You will need to draw blood from me to make it truly convincing.

That would be a bit much....

It would dispel thoughts of it being an act instantly.

I really don't wanna hurt ya, though. I'm supposed to protect ya from that sorta--Uh, oh. Better get in character.

"You constantly mooch off of them," yelled Akane.

"They offer, I take! Nothin' wrong with that!" Ranma yelled back.

"Except that that psycho cat-bitch threw a bomb at me!"

"It didn't even hit ya! It hit me!"

"She meant to hit me! She even said so!"

"Fine, you know what? Let's finish this!"

"Fine by me. As far as I'm concerned, our engagement never happened!"

Akane turned and stalked off, leaving Ranma with a stunned crowd. 'That was a little too real...'

Relax...

"Feh. Useless, klutzy tomboy." He turned and stormed into the Nekohanten.

"What is the meaning of this?!" Cologne shouted, flabbergasted by the scene she just witnessed.

"What do ya think it means, you old bat? It means I'm fed up with that crazy psycho." Ranma scowled. "Even her own sister called her a violent maniac. The day I was engaged to her, even!"

"Aiya!" Shampoo squealed happily.

"Guess this means you win, Shampoo. An' ya didn't even have ta kill anyone."

"And what about the Kuonji girl?" asked Cologne suspiciously.

"What 'bout her? We can make it official now, can't we?"

Cologne's eyes narrowed. "You are being surprisingly accommodating, for someone who has resisted me thus far."

Akane...help me out here?

Keep her off-balanced... explain how you are doing this to also get the wealth of her techniques.... Akane transmitted back.

"Look, you know an' I know that I could learn every trick Ukyo has in about five minutes. If I'm gonna improve as an artist, I can only do so by learnin' the Amazon Wu Shu. And I can only do that if I've married Shampoo, right?"

"And what of Shampoo's heart?" Cologne pressed.

"That's ok! As long as Ranma is next to Shampoo, love will come!" Shampoo answered for Ranma, grabbing onto his arm greedily.

"Not to mention," said Ranma, "You've never been concerned with Shampoo's heart before. Just my gene pool."

"All right, we will perform the ceremony right now," Colonge declared. "Before he sobers up..." she added sotto voce.

"Ranma, Shampoo, hold your left forearms against one another's," the elder instructed. Ranma did as he was told, and felt Shampoo's arm against his. Cologne produced a long thin red ribbon and tied it around Ranma's and Shampoo's wrist. "This symbolizes your bond. Shampoo, do you take ownership of this male?"

"Yes, I do." Her omnipresent bubbliness was held at bay, though Ranma was certain it was straining at the leash.

That's because she's a bubblehead, Ranma.

"Alright, you two are married," Cologne finished.

Now, Akane! Ranma commanded.

The wall to their right exploded, and Akane strode in through the hole like an Amazon on the warpath. She levelled a finger at Shampoo.

"Shampoo of the Joketsuzoku, I challenge you in single combat."

Shampoo stared at her in disbelief, then her eyes narrowed. "Akane choose very bad time to challenge. Shampoo will kill her for ruining wedding."

Oh, there's some choice irony.

"Wait. I will take care of this," Ranma stated, ripping the ribbon off his arm. Wow, even I'm getting scared of you...

"Wait!" Cologne shouted, but it was too late.

"Husband stay back, is job of Amazon warrior to defeat challenger--"

"I just told her off! I told her to get out of my life! An' now that I've finally made a decision, she comes barging in to try to drag me back? I don't think so!" Ranma scowled. "I'm takin' her down once an' for all!"

By the way, Akane, ya were supposed to challenge me.

So I'm still pissed at Miss Kitty over there.

Akane lept at Ranma, her left fist flying fast repeatedly. Ranma crouched down, underneath the flying barrage and performed a quick legsweep against Akane's landing foot. Akane tumbled down and quickly rolled back on her feet.

Keep the flow going. This is looking like a movie.

She leaped back towards him, her right leg flying forward in a powerful kick. He parried it, then leaped back and raised his hands.

"Mouko Takabisha!"

The ki blast slammed into her, propelling her back towards the wall. By itself, it did little damage, but the impact left an Akane-shaped dent in the wall.

"Your husband must be truly exercised about this girl, Shampoo." Cologne frowned. "For him to use the Mouko Takabisha on a girl, when he normally won't raise a hand to her...she has truly angered him."

She staggered to her feet, winced, and raised a hand to her arm. It came away bloody.

Oh, man! I'm really sorry, Akane--

Don't be. I asked for this.

Akane charged, becoming a blur. 'If you want to go invisible, now is the perfect time.'

Ranma dodged the charge, and invoked the Umi-Sen-Ken. He crept towards her, and raised a hand to strike.

Akane closed her eyes and spun, delivering one large blow. The fist was jabbed right into Ranma's solar plexus. Ranma gasped for air for a second.

Believable... but it still knocked the wind outta me...

Sorry about this, Akane thought win an evil grin and she pulled her fist back and delivered a leaping uppercut, followed by a spinkick in the air.

Cologne dropped her pipe. "You...defeated him. You defeated Saotome Ranma."

"So much for the warmup. And now, I believe that you and I still have an outstanding challenge, Shampoo." Akane grinned and cracked her knuckles.

"It will be my pleasure!" Shampoo cried out as she charged.

"Just a--" But again, Cologne's shout was ignored.

Akane started out with a roundhouse, her heel just barely nicking Shampoo's chin. Dammit, I'm faster but she's still dodging!

You're... telegraphing... uggh, let me catch my breath.

I thought you were unconscious!

Doesn't mean we're not still linked. My body's healin' itself, but...lead her down the spiral step! She won't expect that from you.

No, we should stick to my plan!

But the kata--

You're repeating it. Switch to a new one!

We didn't work out a new one yet!

Dammit, let me try something.

Akane stepped back, and opened her mind. And was one with him.

He grinned, and swept forwards in a short, ducking punch, and Shampoo was forced back on the defensive. He stuck to ground techniques, the backbone of the Tendo school, and forced her back a few more meters, then saw his opening and launched his attack.

"Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken!"

Fifty blows slid under Shampoo's guard to slam into her stomach. The Amazon gasped, and staggered back.

Okay, she's all yours.

Warn me next time you steer! Akane leapt up and snapped a kick against Shampoo's lowered head, knocking it back.

Shampoo stumbled, her legs now as wobbly as overcooked noodles. "Not yet," the Amazon declared.

"Fine, then. I'll finish this." She swung an open hand at the nearby table, pitching a glass of water forward to splash the Chinese girl.

The amazon immediately shifted into her feline form, tangled in her Chinese dress.

"Gotcha!" Akane shouted as she grabbed the dress in mid-air like a bag and swung it against the wall.

A sickening thud filled the restaurant.

The dress slipped from her trembling fingers. "It's over..."

The dress fell to the ground, and Shampoo's unconscious cat form rolled out to Akane's feet.

"C...c..." Akane stumbled backwards, tripped over her own feet, and scrabbled backwards. "Oh, I didn't think that through."

Cologne scowled. "Oho, I think I see what's going on here."

Akane grabbed Ranma and lifted him onto her shoulder. "Regardless, I'm taking my husband now."

"One moment. Are you stating that, as you have challenged Shampoo, and defeated her, you have a right to take her husband?" Cologne chuckled. "Oh, a very good guess, Akane. That would indeed work, if you were an Amazon. But you are an outsider."

"I defeated Ranma first," Akane pointed out.

Cologne blinked. "Of course...an outsider woman who defeats an Amazon male is automatically considered an Amazon. Except that Ranma is an outsider himself, not an Amazon." She paused, and smacked her forehead. "Unless he marries one..."

"Are you satisfied, you old bat?"

"Let me verify something first," Cologne challenged. "Then I will let you leave." She grabbed another glass of water and threw it at the pair.

"Similar curses, interesting. I need to know more."

"You need to know nothing!" Akane shouted back, her male voice actually came out as halfway threatening.

Cologne bent down to Shampoo's limp form, and then in a blink of an eye, she was dangling the unconscious cat in front of Akane's face. "No, I insist."

"Aah!" Akane scrabbled away again.

"This entire plan has the stench of Nabiki about it. But not even your evil sister could cause this level of...of one-ness. There are certain Amazon potions that would give some of the effects, but not the shared curse." She waved the cat again. "You've won your husband. I can do nothing about that. But you will tell me how you did it, so that I can prevent anyone else from using this against us."

Akane's whole body quivered. She felt her mind slipping.

Ranma, help me!

Mrrrww?

Oh, fuck--

She hurt. All over.

She sat up slowly. "I'm...at home?" She glanced around the room. "What happened? I remember Cologne was sticking Shampoo in my face, and..."

The blood drained from her face, and she looked around again. My clothes...and Ranma's...

They were in the room with them. But they were torn to shreds. She picked up the remains of his favourite shirt, and saw that it had been clawed to ribbons.

"Ranma! Wake up!"

"Hunh?" He sat up, rubbing his eyes. "What happened? I..." He winced. "I'm really sore. You hit like a tank...Except...you didn't hit me where I'm most sore." The wince turned to a frown. "An' I really don't wanna think about why I might be sore there."

"We both... we both entered the Neko-ken at the same time..." Akane felt herself blush. 'Let's try to do this mentally. I don't want to say it.'

I ain't sure I wanna hear it. Ranma sighed. What did I do this time?

I think it's what I did... Her blush felt like her face was on fire now. I think you were in heat.

Ranma blinked, and abruptly turned green. "You mean...you..."

Akane checked herself and Ranma. She could only nod.

Ranma darkened, and his hand grasped the first thing that came to hand: Akane's favourite mallet.

"You...pervert!"

So that's how it feels... Akane thought, her chin resting on the floor, a large bump on her head.

Ranma dropped the mallet and grabbed a robe, pulled it on over his nude form. "I'm goin' for some hot water right freakin' now!"

"Might be best," agreed Akane woozily.

Ranma growled, and opened the door. He stepped out, pulling it closed with a loud bang, and found himself face-to-face with Nabiki.

"Hey, Ranma. You wanna keep it down? It's a bit early in the morning for this sort of noise."

"Sorry, Nabs."

"You and Akane have sort of flipped roles, haven't you. Now she says the wrong thing, and you're the one having kittens."

Ranma winced. "Let's hope not!" His eyes widened. "Wait. What time is it, did you say?"

Nabiki yawned. "About 6:30. Sunrise in 4 minutes"

Akane, it's just before dawn. Didn't we go over to the Nekohanten at two o'clock yesterday?

Yeah. So?

So we've been neko for the last...uh...sixteen hours.

Have we been.... you know, for sixteen hours too?

"Hey, guys," Nabiki said, waving her hand between their line of sight. "Hello?"

"Sorry, Nabs."

"Don't call me that."

"Look, everythin' from the fight on is sorta a blur...well, less than that, really. What happened afterwards?"

"We had the victory feast set up for you, but when two nekofied martial artists came back, we decided to vacate the premises. You're bad enough, but Akane...well..."

This ain't clarifyin' much. I'm really sweatin' this, Akane. What if we were...uh...doin' like they do on Discovery Channel...while our parents and your sisters were in the house?

Akane gave a mental sigh. Ask her.

Nuh uh!

She would have the answer. Ask her.

I ain't talkin' about our sex lives with your sister! I sure ain't gonna ask her about this! It's way too freaky!

If we want the truth--

Tell ya what. You ask her!

"Well, Nabiki, if you'll excuse me...I need to find some hot water."

"I bet." Nabiki smirked at him.

Akane stepped out of the room next, wearing a robe. "Um, Nabiki, I have an embarassing question..."

"You want to know how long you and Ranma were in the 'wild kingdom'?"

Akane's eyes widened, but all she said was, "Yeah, something like that."

"Four, maybe five hours. The rest of it was sleeping. Sleeping sleeping. I snuck in a few times to let everyone else know if it would be safe yet or not." Nabiki smiled. "No, they don't know what you were...doing. The grown ups were too scared to even open the door even after everything died down."

Oh, great. How much is this gonna cost us to keep quiet?

Shush! Nabiki wouldn't!

"Ranma? Pipe down in my sister's brain. No charge this time."

"Nabiki, how..."

"It doesn't take magic to know when you scowl, you're talking to Ranma, and it takes even less of a genius to know that Ranma's asking what my fee is."

"Oh." Akane deflated. "Well, at least nobody else knows. But what if he's..." She looked at her sister helplessly.

"I've got no advice for you there." Nabiki snorted. "I'm not a veterinarian."

Akane, change in three...two...one... Ranma warned, right before the two of them shifted back.

"Well, that solves that problem," Nabiki said with a smile. "Congratulations, your boyfriend's not knocked up."

"Thank God for that." Akane paused. "You know, this could be the perfect morning-after pill..."

"Yeah, until one of you does want a kid. Then you have to keep water away for a few weeks for gestation to take place."

Ain't havin' a kid. Way too freaky an idea.

You were all for it yesterday.

That wasn't your mental picture?

Not sure.

"You know what? I'm going for coffee. It's hard enough to talk to you when you're zoning out like that. It's even worse when I'm caffeine-deprived." Nabiki turned and walked towards the stairs. "I'll run interference with the parents until you two get yourselves sorted out."

I'll start...cleaning up the evidence, Akane thought, still shivering at the thought.

Do you remember...anything specific?

Not a thing. I'm not sure if I should be grateful or not.

I'm sure.

"Ah, good morning, Akane." Soun was sitting at the family room table, newspaper in hand. "So I hear that you and Ranma had an exciting day yesterday. He's truly part of the family, now, eh?"

Akane blushed. "Yes. We're still working out an exact date, but we are working on other entanglements."

"Well, that's good news. It's a shame that you two trashed the feast that Kasumi spent so much time working on, but..."

Just then, there was a weak knock at the door. Akane, with me, Ranma thought, standing up.

"Excuse us," Akane said politely, leaving the table. The two of them got to the sides of the door.

It's Cologne. You open the door, I'll charge.

All right, but I'm following after the first shot!

Akane pulled open the door, and Ranma burst forward...and stopped cold.

"Whoa."

Cologne was badly battered, severely clawed, and still managed to look smug.

"Well, Ranma."

Ranma smirked. "What happened to Son-in-law?"

"We need to talk. Calmly. Politely."

"Okay. Why not?" Ranma shifted to a different stance, one much more casual. But Akane could still hear him, almost as though he were mumbling. Dont trust her...keep yer guard up...old Ghoul's up ta somethin'.

"I really wish the two of you would trust me more."

"If you didn't keep trying to take us away from each other, we might!" Akane shouted.

Ease down a level. We still have the advantage. Keep cool...

"You two are bonded. From what I can tell, permanently at that. If you had told me, I would have shown you some special dispensations from marriage we grant to outsiders. It would have saved my grand-daughter a lot of heart, and backache."

Crazy cat lady had it coming.

Calm down, Akane. Out loud, he said, "I can't take chances on people doin' the reasonable thing. It so rarely happens around here. I had to make certain."

"For instance, if Ranma adopted an amazon child, we would have accepted HER as a mother."

That's actually quite clever...

Keep on guard.

"Did you know Herb has many things that belonged to his grand father, including his denture set? I'm certain Nabiki walked you through the other guidelines."

I hate it when she's clever.

"It don't matter, Cologne." He stated it baldly, moreso than usual. "It's done now. You an' Shampoo can go home, and neither of you will lose any face over this. We chose the best solution we thought we could use, an' it worked."

"Not wait just a minute. I'm not trying to be the bad guy. I still want to know how you bonded."

"You wanna know?" Ranma chuckled. "Ask my mom. She's the cause of it."

Cologne turned around in a huff. "Well, fine. If you two don't want to be serious. We will be gone within the month. I wish you and your wife well."

"Hey, wait. Don't be sore." Ranma sighed. "Look, Mom is really the cause of it, okay? I can't tell ya more than that because I don't really know more than that. She created the potion, not us."

"Do you or her have the recipe?"

"No, that's sorta gone."

"Well, then this is still useless, isn't it?"

"So, are we Amazons then?" Akane asked.

Cologne looked up at the sky, pondering. Pondering quite a long time actually.

"I see no Amazons here. Any strength the tribe would gain from inducting you both, we lose instantly by having you here, plus the uncontrollable aspect of your personalities and lives. Just one of you was managable. A package deal?" Cologne scoffed. "Forget it."

"So then nothin' is resolved," said Ranma angrily.

"Idiot boy! I've already told you that you're free of the Kiss of Marriage!" Cologne snorted. "We certainly weren't selecting you for brain power, were we?" She turned to Akane. "Keep a good eye on him, Tendo Akane. Someone like Ranma needs a strong woman to keep him in line. I guess you would do."

"Just what I need. An Amazon tellin' her it's all right to mallet me."

Cologne smacked him across the head with her staff. "Respect your betters, boy! And that definitely includes your wife!"

"Wait," Akane said. "Can I... can I talk to Shampoo before you two leave?"

"The winner has nothing to say to the loser."

The loser! You hear that, Ranma? She's a loser!

Did ya want to talk to her just ta gloat?

"If that is all. The restaurant will still be open for lunch until we find a buyer." And with that, Cologne turned and walked away.

Ya know, Akane, this don't feel quite like a victory.

I know what you mean. We didn't outsmart her, Nabiki did. And then we found out that entire fight was, likely, unneccessary?

That is, if you believe the old bat.

"Ano...Ranma..." Kasumi had walked up behind them. "Did I hear Cologne correctly, when she called Akane your wife?"

"She outta be, after she fought for me," Ranma said with pride.

"Oh! Father, wonderful news! Akane and Ranma got married yesterday!"