Disclaimer: Don't own Weiss :-:

Chapter 3

I really don't know where to begin today, but I figure I'll start with the store. I've been taking a few more missions so the guys can relax for a bit. I don't mind really, I don't want to loose them, its ok if I'm lost. It's ok that they don't know. Its better this way, they would just be a pain in insisting that they come and back me up. But like I keep saying, I'll keep the missions out of here for legal purposes.

Omi did it today. You know that adorable look, where he's motherhenning Ken in the store because the moron forgot that he had a scheduled a game and work the same day. So I willingly took over the spot and it was just Omi and I in the shop. For the most part it was a quiet day. Minus the fact that I kept finding myself staring at him, like watching the way his blonde hair fell in his face. He has been very quiet lately. I don't know if its memories or because apparently he has been offered for a higher position in Kikter. He should take it, it will be better for him. He would look good in a suit. Heck, he would fan-fucking-tastic…ok, no dirty thoughts, bad Ran, bad Ran.

I almost didn't realize that he had been talking to me. I just couldn't help but follow the way his mouth moved as it formed words. It shouldn't be legal. I don't know. This isn't right. A boy should not be allowed to be so cute. It should be a sin…in fact I know it is a sin. He's so…cute. He makes he want to pick him up and tickle him until he laughs with tears of joy flowing from his eyes. Am I sick pervert for wanting him to be happy? More specifically, happy with me, is it wrong?

Ok, its been a week, and I've been able to answer my own question. I realized, not only is it a sin for Omi to look so adorable it's a sin when he does that smile too. That smile when you know he is hiding something, but it's not the bad type of smile. Not the one when he's about to announce we have a very difficult mission and we're all going to hell so we better drag Schwartz back with us. No, it was a good smile and he was sitting directly in front of me.

"I got in," he stated with a smile. I just lifted my eyebrow trying to get my mind out of the gutter of what it was about. I didn't say anything and he delivered the pout and whine in a single blow. I was really tempted to kidnap him back to my room and leave him locked up for the rest of his life. I doubt he would argue once I fully was done with him (snicker)…maybe I've been hanging out with Youji too much.

He sighed and shouted, "I got in Tokyo U!" he stated firmly with a pout. I think I did several double takes inside my head but I only responded with a nod and a smile. He did send in the application and took the exam. I didn't have a doubt about him getting in.

I asked him what major he wanted to take and he picked computer science and I wasn't surprised at this response either. At least he didn't say political science; I would have started to cry and threatened the dean of the school in his bed if that did happen. Of course, Omi would never find out. He thanked me for the application, smarter than I thought; he actually did figure it was me. But like I said, Omi deserves some happiness in his life. That's when I came to the conclusion that it was ok if he didn't want to be with me specifically. As long as I can see him smile like he's about to burst from joy and still be adorable I don't care. That's when I find my true sense of happiness. When his big blue eyes stare at me and I want to take him in my arms. It's ok. As long as Omi is happy, with who ever he chooses, I'm ok.

On to other news, Aya's latest boyfriend has pasted the big brother killing test and I'm waiting for her call so I can ask if he tried anything. What can I say, I really don't have a life except to make sure the ones I love don't leave me. I would rather be the over protective bastard anyway because then, they know I care.

Schwartz intervened with the mission tonight. The bastards just don't take the fuckin' hint and leave us the hell alone. No, they enjoy making our lives miserable. I don't know exactly what their planning but I can't wait til the day comes when I kill Crawford or Mastermind. I'm hoping Mastermind cause he was taunting me the entire time. I really hope he didn't leak anything to Omi about my feelings. I don't want that rejection. I just want to keep this dirty little secret of mine. Its safe in these pages.

No one knows outside that I'm turning in a ball of sweet sugary goo every time Omi bounces back from the University, his books in his hand. He says hello and I nod and watch him walk up through the back. I think its time that he got a new computer, ah; I finally know what to get him for his birthday. A new laptop with really good graphics. Aya's boyfriend, Ruku I forget his family name, is actually a computer expert, I'll have to ask him. I've scared him enough that it will probably make him get me a deal. After all, I am letting him date my only sister. Heaven have mercy on his soul (snicker).

I don't know how Omi would react if he realized how much I cared for him. I mean, its getting really close to stalker mode. Like, I'll be standing outside his door at night about to burst in and tell him everything but then walk away to the kitchen. Twenty minutes after my tea goes cold, he comes in looks at me with those big blue eyes and I just get lost. I asked him about his day and he happily rambles on. His soft pink lips form words that are lost and absorbed in my memory. I want to reach out and touch him, make sure he's not just a dream…or make a memory of him that its impossible for me to forget. I want him to dream of me like I do of him. I've had enough of those, too many to count over the past few months. At first they started all innocent and such like picnics and tea parties but lately, they've just gone…damn it Ran no dirty thoughts in the journal! GR. Though, it's not like anyone is going to read this.

I was lost in my own little world until he started talking about some of the people in his classes. Then he kept mentioning this one guy, Nagi something, saying how the boy was really nice and quiet and adorable. Damn it, I thought I already concluded that I'll be happy with whoever he picks. I should be worried about his happiness, Omi's happiness needs to come first, I can just watch. I'm perfectly content watching. Besides, he's better off with someone who isn't around all the time. That way they can get to know enough and he can have comfort. But I swear if the guy even thinks about hurting Omi or does something he doesn't mean to do. Well, lets just say that Nagi won't be fucking anyone once I finish with him. I doubt he'll be breathing either if Youji find out. Heaven forbid if Ken finds out, no one will recognize him. Shit, its dinner time, till later, keeps my secrets safe.

I knew that the prick would be a pain. However, I never realized that he would be part of Schwartz, Omi took it pretty hard. He's locked himself all day in his room. I don't blame him, I would too if I found out a friend of mine was on the enemy assassination squad. For fifteen minutes, I just stood in front of his door. I could hear him sobbing about, Ouka, Nagi, and all the other demons in his soul. He didn't come down for dinner and when Youji and Ken went out to blow out steam their ways. I left him his portion on a tray outside his room. Chibi no baka, forgetting to eat will kill you.

Then I went down to the store, checking on the stocks because we're getting low with the x-mas season about to start. The greenhouses haven't been doing well either. So that means we might have to move some of the prices up. I just hope it doesn't hurt the business. Too much. Yeah, I know I take care of a lot of things. I have to. Omi can't run a store when he's in college and Youji is too drunk too often. I wonder if he found the AA pamphlet I stuck in his underwear drawer. No, I still have a major crush on Omi, but I couldn't think of any where else to put it that might make him not get suspicious. He could think it was a date or something.

Omi is smart enough and sober enough to figure out what is happening. At least he hasn't said anything to the others about it. I don't mind. I just don't want this dream to fall apart. I don't know what would happen if I couldn't see any of their faces ever again. I don't want to think about it, so I'm not taking anymore chances. I already lost my parents, and almost lost Aya. I don't ever want to feel like that again. Never, ever again. I will do whatever it takes never to feel like the world doesn't matter again. I finally found my answer to all the hopeless questions. They are wrapped in a person who lives down the hall. A boy with beautiful breathtaking blue eyes accompanied with an adorable smile, surrounded by golden locks of hair. I just want to hold him right now, and tell him everything. I want him so much it hurts. I want him to stop hurting. I'll do anything to make him stop hurting.

Omi just walked in and got some water. I sat on the journal, I'm glad the ink didn't smudge the pages. It was stupid of me to bring it out from my room. It's safe in my room. No one will find it there. Anyway, enough of my stupidity, he looked like he had been crying pretty hard, I mention that he should wash his face and told him if he really needed to talk I would listen. He just nodded and walked out after placing the tray of food in the sink. I glanced at it before he threw it out, he didn't eat much, but he ate. So he'll be ok. I think I should give him his present early. Not immediately, I don't want him to think I'm tyring to buy him, but if he wanted something I don't think I could say no at this point. I doubt, I can say no to him at anytime right now. I wouldn't want to make him cry. I want him to smile, he looks so alive when he does. I want him to smile just for me.

Just so you know. I'm drunk, like pissed off drunk. I had to get out of the complex. Youji helped dragged me out and we went clubbing. Then he got me totally smashed and ran off to dance with some chick. I'm fine with that, I did get hit on a couple times, but every time I was wishing Omi would just stroll through the door and drag me away. I wanted him to come out and drag me to the dance floor where I could mold our bodies together til we were so hot and bothered it wouldn't matter where we went as long as it was together. Then ah god…stop the stupid hot dreams for the love of God! Gr!

I kept looking around, there were so many other people and if this was me before the accident, I wouldn't care and just go out and dance to get lost in the crowd. But I didn't want anyone that was there. I didn't want the bibo woman to my left and right. Or the man who was snaking his hand down up and down my left thigh. He got a punch and a shout in the face, then I found myself being manhandled out to the street. Landing on my face in the snow, x-mas is only a few weeks away. I need to finish x-mas shopping…wait I was telling you something.

I don't want anyone else. I don't need anyone else. Then I came home and I broke a pot. In my hands was the pieces of the broken pot, broken like me. I cursed, rather louder than I thought and found Omi staring at me. I swore I forgot how to breathe all I kept thinking was I woke him up, shit, I woke him up. How the hell can I wake him up! Damn it! Then a thought of he looks so good, he looks so perfect. Damn it. I just want to touch him. I had reached out my hand just to brush his blonde hair away from his cheek as he trying to check if I was ok. However as soon as our fingers touched I pulled away. I don't deserve to touch him. I'm too dirty. I'm too dirty to have something that I really want. I threw the pot in the trash and ran up the stairs to my room. I could hear his call out to me but I didn't answer and just locked the door to my room.

I just want one person and no matter what I do. I can't have him because, I don't want to loose him. Damn it. My hand is shaking too much I can barely see straight. I should go to bed but I am in love with Omi. I adore Omi to the point where it can't be anyone else. I don't want nobody else. Damn it, it must be the alcohol taking over my brain. I love him. I love him. I love…

Omi stared in shock at the last page of the journal. There were a few more paragraphs till the end of the page but they were smeared with tears to make them not readable. He had finished the journal in a matter of three days. Seventy two hours exactly. His heart was pounded in his head as he reread the final entry. It had been when he was woke up by a Aya, not Youji. Youji didn't stroll home til three hours later, at six in the morning. Youji looked refreshed but Omi gave him hell for taking Aya out and letting him leave alone. The blonde had insisted that it wasn't his fault the redhead had gotten kicked out.

Omi sighed and thought back to that night. Aya was completely different that night as he tried to remember. Instead of a man who locked away every emotion except for the few times he saw Aya smile, the journal held everything. He swallowed a sigh and shook his head. He needed to get out and away to think. Then before he realized it he was running out to the garage and strapping on his helmet. The familiar white Porsche pulled in beside him. Out of the drivers side step the man who had been haunting his life and turned it all upside down. Aya turned and looked him with piercing violet eyes, eyes that seemed to slowly be undressing him physically and mentally. Eyes that he didn't want looking anywhere else, then the red head nodded and gave a sad smirk. Omi quickly drove his motorcycle to the city limits before Aya could even register the look of fear in his blue eyes.

Aya watched the motorcycle drive out of sight. For a moment he stared in silence turning back to the spot where it had been. The boy was gone, just like everything else and it pulled at the strings of his heart. The redhead took a deep breathe and closed his eyes. Not now, now he was very worried he had realized that the journal was not anywhere he had put it and he desperately needed to find it. Find it before Youji or Ken, but he could handle their teasing. No, he had to find it before Omi did because then his prefect world he had created would shatter like the pot did seventy two hours ago.

WR: Wow, I wrote 5 pages of that…aren't you proud! Tell me what you think. I tried working on the format of this chapter, for better spacing. Does it bother you? Um….tell me what you think…in depth reviews are always loved . reviews are always good too.