Disclaimer: The only characters I own are the ones unfamiliar with you, and that are not from CSI:NY, Such as Logan.

Thanks to Brown Eyed Girl 75 for Beta Reading,

Enjoy!

CHAPTER TWO: Living Through Memories

"A sunbeam to warm you,

A moonbeam to charm you,

A Sheltering angel, so nothing can harm you."

--Irish Blessing

Three months since she died, and he still felt like shit. He still stayed up at night, hoping she'd come home from a late night with her friends. He still heard her singing in the shower, he still smelled her hair, and he still wished she were alive. And he still slept on the couch in the living room. He didn't understand why she had to die. She was still young, she had a newborn to take care of, and yet she was dead.

Jade was now five months, and still as beautiful as her mother. The only thing that child had that was the same as Danny was her nose. Everything else was her mother. Her light brown curly hair, her tiny ears, her pink rosy cheeks, her round chin, and even her heart shaped face were just like her mother's. Logan had held Jade after she was born, Danny, Flack, Emily Mac, and Aiden all surrounding her, and she had let out a shriek. "She got your nose," Logan groaned, touching Danny's nose and then Jade's. "She got the Messer nose!" The room had burst into laughter, including Danny. His face bright red with embarrassment , but sporting a smile.

Jade was Logan's daughter all right. He let out a chuckle as he sat on the couch next to Mac. He handed the older man a beer and let out a sigh as they watched Logan's daughter begin to crawl.

"I still remember the day we foun' out we were havin' a baby," Danny sighed, taking a swig of his beer.

Mac let out a chuckle. "I remember when she came to the lab with an ultrasound in her hand, all smiles," Mac recalled.

It'd been one of the happiest moments for the widower since Claire died. Logan simply opened his office door, and helped herself to the bag of McDonalds that sat on his desk. She ate his McNuggets while he stared at her with a stern look. "I'm allowed to eat whatever I want," Logan told him, breaking the silence that had filled the room. "I'm having a baby." And when she asked him if they could name the baby after Claire if it was a girl, and if he'd be the godfather, Mac was honored. He smiled and accepted the offer just two seconds after it had slipped her mouth. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but Logan having a baby made him just as excited as Danny. Save the stress of Logan possibly dying, he was so happy that she'd get one last wish if she were to die after having this baby.

"We fought n' fought," Danny explained, breaking Mac's train of thought. "About keeping the baby. But she won, of course." And then a smirk came to his face as he remembered them fighting about baby names two minutes later.

Logan Messer sat on the toilet in her bathroom holding the birth test in her hands. She twirled it in her thumbs as her life flashed before her eyes. It had been 13 months since her and Danny had gotten married, two months since they applied for adoption, and now she sat in her bathroom watching her life flash before her eyes. She was happy, there was no doubt about that. She wanted to be a mother since she was a child, but she was also scared. If anything went wrong when the baby got here, she would get her cancer back, and her body would be too weak for chemotherapy. She'd die if her body didn't get stronger quick enough. In a year she could be dead. And though she had gotten over the fear of dying years ago, she was still scared of leaving behind a child and a husband. She was scared Danny wouldn't be able to move on if she died, or that her baby would grow up being a drugee because he'd find out his mother basically committed suicide by having him.

Danny had come home from his shift early, and set his gun and badge on the kitchen table. He shrugged out of Logan's favorite brown leather jacket, and set it on the back of a kitchen chair. He then placed his glasses on the table next to his badge, and slid his shoes off. "Baby?" Danny asked, entering their bedroom. His heart started pounding when he didn't see her. He was scared something happened to her while he was at work. There were plenty times he came home to Logan in the ER because Emmy was scared her cancer was coming back because Logan wasn't hungry, or she bumped into the coffee table and got a bruise. "Logan?" He called again, heading for the bathroom.

"Bathroom," Logan called, setting the test in the trashcan. She opened the master bathroom door, and smiled at her husband who was taking his shirt off. "Hello honey," she smiled, walking over to the bed. She sat down, legs tucked in and waited for Danny to finish changing into black sweats.

"Hey," Danny smiled, climbing on the bed beside her. He kissed her shoulder, then her neck, and her chin.

"We need to talk," Logan choked, pulling her hair back in a ponytail.

"What's wrong?" Danny asked. "You've been sick. Is it the AML? Is it back? Have you been to the doctor? Are you eating well?"

"It's not my cancer Danny," Logan assured him, though her voice seemed shaky. "I…I'm having…we're…I'm…. pregnant," she managed to blurt out.

"Okay," Danny nodded his head. "It's alright. It's early right, we can take you to the clinic tomorrow okay? Schedule an appointment for termination."

Logan stood from the bed when Danny tried to touch her. "No! I'm not killing a baby."

"It will kill you, Logan," Danny whispered in a sweet voice. He knew something like this would happen if they were to get pregnant. They had agreed that if she were to become pregnant before he got a vasectomy then they would terminate for her sake, but he knew if it were to happen, Logan wouldn't be willing to give up her child.

"No he won't, Danny. How can you kill your own child! You made him."

"Him?" Danny chuckled. "Logan it's not a him or a her. It's not anything yet. It's not too late, Logan. I want you in my life ten months from now."

"And I will be," Logan replied; now making eye contact with Danny.

Danny silently cursed to himself, because he knew when Logan made eye contact, she had all the power in the room. She wasn't going to back down until she got what she wanted. "What if something happens? What if you get your cancer back? And you can't handle it?"

"What if," Logan laughed sarcastically "What if, what if, what if? I'm sick of all the what ifs, Danny! This baby isn't a what if. It's here, and I'm having him with or without you."

"Logan, don't say that. You and I both know what this baby could do to you."

"You're the one that wanted to have sex with me without a condom when I was drunk," she scowled.

"We were both drunk, babe. It wasn't either one of our faults."

"I'm having this baby," Logan told him. "If I die, I want to know it's because I brought something beautiful into this world, not just because I have cancer. I'm going to have this baby. Let me have him."

"What if it's a girl?" Danny asked her, a smirk on his face. He knew this was important to Logan. He'd worry about the rest later, once she calmed down, and asked the doctor what he thought was the best thing to do.

Logan smiled at her husband, and jumped on the bed. She kissed the tip of his nose. "I love you," she told him.

"I'm only agreeing to this if we both go to the doc and listen to what she says. If she says no, then we aren't having this kid," Danny told her, a stern look on his face.

"She'll say yes," Logan told him confidently. "Let's name him after Nolan Ryan," she cheered.

"Okay pick Nolan Ryan over Danny Messer," Danny laughed.

"Okay Nolan Daniel Messer."

"Daniel Ryan Messer," Danny replied, kissing her stomach.

"Nolan. I like Nolan," Logan told him, running a hand through his hair. She was happy Danny had agreed to having the baby, but she knew he was scared. She was too. It wasn't that she was going to die. It was that she might not meet her child.

"Nolan sounds like a dork's name," Danny explained.

"Nolan Ryan isn't a dork," Logan giggled. "He was a hot talented ball player."

"We're not naming the kid Nolan."

"Okay what about Charlie?"

Danny let out a chuckle. "Charlie?"

"Yeah,"

"What if it's a girl?"

"Jamie Claire," Logan said simply. "Or Jade Claire."

"Jade Claire," Danny smiled. "I like that."

"It's gonna be a boy though," she told him. "We were made to raise boys."

"I wanna girl," Danny told her.

"Let's just wait and see," Logan smiled.

He missed her, he missed everything about her. He missed sharing a bed with her, eating dinner with her, nagging her about being a Phillies fan, he even missed the fights he had with her. He missed how she would scream when she saw a bug, and make him free it instead of killing it. He missed her smile, and her voice. It still pained him to recall the memories. Mac told him eventually he'd be happy he had those memories, he just needed to understand that Logan had gone to a place where she'd never be able to come back.

Lindsay Monroe didn't make it any easier. She'd push him into going out after work, she would beg him to take her to Coney Island, and each time he refused without giving her an answer. She still didn't know he had a two-year-old daughter, that he was a widower, or even that Claire Taylor's little sister had fallen in love with him.

Lindsay Monroe wasn't a bitch, he figured, if you got to know her. But he wasn't planning on getting to know her. He didn't want to get to know any woman. He'd been willing to move on when Logan died, he tried moving on, but he knew he wasn't ready yet. It'd been two years, and he didn't think he could move on with anyone. He wanted to, and he knew he needed to, but he couldn't. Every girl he noticed seemed to be too ugly, too snobby, too annoying, too anything for his liking.

And as he walked down the halls of the New York Crime Lab, he hoped that he'd be able to find someone to make him smile again. He didn't want to fill the hole Logan had left, he just wanted to lighten the weight of losing the mother of his daughter. If Mac was willing to try to be happy again, then he should be too.

"Danny!" Lindsay Monroe yelled from the lab across from him.

He slowly cursed silently to himself as he turned to come face to face with Lindsay. "Look if this aint work related, I gotta get," Danny explained, pointing his thumb towards the elevator. It was 6 P.M., and Emily couldn't pick up the baby from daycare so he had to leave before he'd be charged twenty bucks an hour past seven P.M.

"Got a date?" Lindsay asked him, her smile turning into a jealous frown.

"No," Danny chuckled. "I tol' you I don' do dates."

"Then where are you going?"

Danny let out a sigh, and turned to the clock. "Mac let me go early. I'm helpin' Flack move his pool table."

She scrunched her nose, which frustrated Danny even more. Only Logan was allowed to do that. "Flack has a pool table?"

"Just bought it off me," Danny told her. "See yah Montana." He quickly headed towards the elevator so she couldn't bother him anymore, and sighed in relief when he was safely behind the doors, no Montana in sight.

Little Tikes' Day Care center had just three children left in its care when Danny finally arrived at 7:42, cursing himself that he didn't just jump the turn dial at the subway. He would have made it at 7:02, and he wouldn't have had to pay the extra twenty bucks at the end of the week. Twenty bucks that he could have spent on Jade's diapers. But his cop conscience had taken over, and made him wait ten more minutes for the second subway, and it took forty minutes to reach his stop, then two more to walk a block over.

He smiled at his two-year-old daughter, who was holding a plastic bat in her hands. Logan would have been so proud of Jade if she saw her carrying a bat in her left hand like that. She'd told Danny that their daughter was going to be the best softball player since Logan, and it was up to him to make sure of that. It was up to him to teach his daughter about baseball, and about her mother. It was his job to make sure that Jade knew Logan loved her, it was his job to get her off to her first day of kindergarten, to watch her win her first softball game, lose her first tooth, say her first cuss, see her off to Prom, watch her graduate, make sure she married the right guy, it was his job to do all of the things Logan couldn't do.

She had left him a list of things to say and how to react were Jade to ask him a question he normally wouldn't have to answer. And every time he looked at the list- the creases so worn from folding and unfolding, the corners jagged, and the ink smeared- he cried. It was the only item left that had Logan all over it. Her scrappy handwriting, her fingerprints, even her DNA from the tears she had created when she was writing the letter. It had everything he needed until he were to find a woman to help Jade out.

Don't let her eat junk food past six. If she asks about me tell her the truth. Don't cuss around her because her first word will be fuck like yours was. When she asks why she doesn't have a mommy tell her I'm looking over her. Don't feed her solid food until she's at least one, or she's got some baby teeth. She can't have soda, Danny. She's a baby. And if you still haven't found someone by the time she's noticed boys, make sure you explain all guys are dorks and have cooties. And when she's 16 remind her that even you were a perverted teen, and boys only want one thing from her. Don't shelter her, tell her your mistakes and mine, so she knows why it's bad to do drugs and drink. Most of all tell her how much I love you both.

The list went on and on of does and don'ts, of how's and why's, of what ifs, and of answers to girl questions that Danny really hoped Emily or Aiden would answer for him. But though the list meant Logan wasn't there to be a mother, it had meant so much to him. It was the lifeline between mother and daughter, and one day when Jade was old enough he would hand it over. But until then, it was safely folded in his wallet.

"Dah-dee!" Jade smiled, hopping over to him, dropping the bat in her hand when Danny scooped her into his strong arms. He kissed the top of her head, and she let out a giggle.

"Hey Princess. How was day-care?"

The toddler smiled and gave him a thumb's up before kissing his nose. She ranted on in her own language, Danny chiming in every so often with Yeah, I know, oh really, and awesome. He smiled at one of the teachers who Aiden had pointed out was interested in him, and he signed Jade out before saying goodbye to Mrs. Joy, the owner of the daycare.

"Jay, say bye to Miss Joy," Danny said to Jade after she finished her ranting.

"Bye Joyyyyy," Jade smiled, waving at the older woman.

"Bye Jade," Joy smiled. "See you Danny."

"Sure will," Danny said giving her a wink as he headed towards the exit.

"Eye-see, Da?" Jade asked as they walked down the street.

"Ice cream?" Danny asked her, setting her on his shoulders, causing her to let out a giggle.

"Yeah, Dah-dee."

"Okay, we'll get some before we go to Uncle Flack's okay?"

"Umcle Fwackie?" Jade asked tilting her head.

"Yup, Uncle Flackie," Danny repeated his daughter's words. He was quick to admit that the only time he ever smiled without thinking about it was when he was with his baby girl. He realized every time he saw her that he and Logan had created the most beautiful thing in the world. A life.

"Umcle Fwackie!" Jade cheered, chocolate ice cream all over her face, and an empty cup in her hand. She climbed from her Daddy's hands and waited as Flack appeared in the living room.

"Hey girl," Flack smiled at Jade. Her light brown hair was set in two pig tails, and she wore a pink Phillies jersey, pink flip flops, and blue jeans with sparkles on them.

Flack laughed at the chocolate that covered her face and then turned to smirk at Danny. "You lettin' her wear a Phillies jersey Messer?"

"Emily picked it out," Danny laughed. "She gets away with it for now, while Jay's still cute."

"All the Conrads stay cute, Danny," Flack laughed, swinging a dishtowel at Danny to wipe his daughter's face off.

"Yeah, that's the truth," Danny laughed, bending over to wipe Jade's face off.

"No!" Jade whined, as Danny rubbed the towel on her chin.

"Note to self, give kid vanilla," Danny said out loud. "Bet that aint in Logan's Handy Dandy Daddy's Guide to Daughters for Dummies."

Flack let out a chuckle, and plopped down on his black leather couch. He watched as Jade managed to scramble away from Danny's grasp and climbed onto the couch beside Flack. She tapped his leg, which caused him to turn to look at her.

"Yes, Jay?" Flack asked, trying not to laugh at Jade's still messy face.

She sat on her knees, and placed her chocolaty hands on either side of his face, and planted a messy kiss on his lips.

"Mmmm chocolate custard," Flack said. "Not the way I pictured tasting chocolate off a Conrad."

Jade let out a giggle as she crawled into his lap, and took the remote from his hands. "Bew. Bew," she repeated, slamming the end of the remote repeatedly into his leg.

"Blue's clues isn't on," Flack told her. "But the Mets are." He took the remote from his best friend's daughter, and turned the TV on for her.

"Speaking of the Conrads. Have you talked to Em?" Danny asked Flack, sitting next to Jade and Flack. He picked Jade up from Flack's lap and set her on his.

Flack shook his head, and set the remote on the coffee table. "Still aint giving me the time of day."

"All of 'em are like that," Danny nodded his head in sympathy for his friend.

It had taken Logan six meet and greets set up by Mac, five phone calls, and ten deliveries of Flowers before she finally gave him the time of day. And he recalled Mac saying Claire hadn't given him the time of day either. Mac would go to the coffee shop Claire worked at in Chicago everyday, and ask her out. Each time she flashed her crooked smile, and sparkled her blue-green eyes, and she would say. "Oh, Mac. I'm too young for you." And then she'd continue taking coffee, muffins, and donuts to her customers. The Conrad girls knew how to play hard to get. They knew how to pretend like they weren't interested in you, and lead you on. Logan was especially great at it, she had vowed she'd never get married, and dating was out of the question if she wasn't going to marry. She told Danny that repeatedly. "I'm never getting married, so why date?" She would ask him every time he attempted to go on a date with her. And he smiled an evil grin, and told her that they could skip the dating and get right to foolin' around between the sheets if that's how she wanted it.

She had let out a giggle, and finally agreed to going on a date. But just one day, she emphasized. But one date turned to two, and soon they were sleeping over each other's apartments, and soon he'd find out she had AML, and then they moved in together, and soon he was asking her to marry him. She turned him down at least three times before she finally agreed, and within two years to the day they met, they were married and talking about adoption, and four years after they met she was gone from his life, with just his daughter for a perfect reminder of his past.

Flack watched Danny throw a blanket over Jade's sleeping body, and sit back down on the couch. He glanced at Danny's hand and noticed the white gold wedding ring he wore wasn't in its respective place. "You took your ring off," Flack said, nodding at his friend.

Danny let out a sigh, and then pulled his dog tags out from his shirt. His wedding ring attached on the chain as well. "Figured it wasn't doin' any good on my finger," he explained. The truth was, when his ring sat on his necklace, it was closer to his heart. He could feel it rub against his chest when he put his shirt on and took it off, when he went running. It reminded him every second of every day that she was there, with him.

"Has she asked about her mom yet?" Flack asked Danny.

Danny shook his head. "I don't think she understands it yet ya know? I think once she starts having friends in the next few years she'll realize they have a mommy and a daddy, and then she'll ask. And when she does…I…what do I tell her?"

"That's not in the Daddy's Dummy Guide?" Flack kidded, a smirk tugging at his lips.

"Handy Dandy Daddy's Guide to Daughters for Dummies," Danny corrected Flack, letting out a chuckle. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "It says tell her I love you guys," Danny told Flack.

"Then you do that," Flack shrugged. "You tell her that Logan did everything she could for her. That Logan was the most amazing woman you ever met, and that she gave you the best thing she could before she left. That no matter what, Logan Elizabeth Messer loved her with every ounce in her body, and she fought for her. And you tell your daughter that Logan was strong for her. And you both have to be strong for Logan. Because you do Danny. You need to be strong for that little girl right there."

Both Flack and Danny blinked back the tears they knew were about to escape. "Thanks," Danny managed to say as he picked Jade's peacefully sleeping body up. He wrapped her tiny legs around his waist, and set her hands around his neck. "We're gonna go," Danny told Flack.

Flack nodded his head, and stood up. "Good luck with the munchkin," he smirked, kissing Jade's head.

Since Claire had died, Logan told Danny she wanted their baby to have two Godfathers, instead of a Godmother and Godfather. And that since Logan picked Mac, Danny could pick someone. Danny smiled and immediately told her Flack was the one for the job, and Logan had smirked and told him that was a good choice.

Flack and Danny had been friends since day one, and their relationship only grew stronger with each problem that had come their way. And when Logan came into Danny's life, she quickly accepted Flack as a best friend, asking Danny to invite him to family events when Danny said Flack hated going to his home for holidays. Logan had quickly adopted Flack as the big brother she never had, and Danny was happy that for the first time in a long time his girlfriend got along with his friends.

"Thanks," Danny laughed. "I'm gonna need it if she's anything like her mother."

He set Jade in the crib in her bedroom. The walls had been painted a soft yellow the day after Logan and Danny found out they were having a girl. Pictures of characters from Winnie the Pooh framed the wall that Jade's cherry wood crib sat against. On the changing table on the opposite side of the room sat a Winnie the Pooh blanket, and in the corner of the room was a cherry wood rocking chair that had an Eeyore stuffed animal sitting on it. And as he watched his daughter sleep, he couldn't help but remember the night the room was painted.

Logan stood at her designated wall, using the painting roller to make long strokes that filled the wall quickly. Danny was on the adjacent wall, pretending to paint as he watched her body move up and down with the roller, her belly just visible over the grey NYPD shirt that she was wearing. Her hair was pulled up in a loose ponytail, and she was wearing a pair of his royal blue basketball shorts, a smile on her face as she painted the wall. She glanced over her shoulder and saw Danny admiring her.

She blushed a bit, but smiled at him. "What?" She asked, still painting.

"You look sexy in my clothes, painting," he shrugged, a smirk tugging at his lips.

"Thanks," she giggled. She stood up, and walked to his wall, and began painting beside him. He was wearing gray sweat pants, and his dog tags around his neck, his chest bare. "You look okay yourself."

"Just okay?" He asked her, raising an eyebrow. "I just told you that you look sexy. I'm standing here shirtless, flexin' my muscles, n' all you can say is I look okay?"

"What muscles?" Logan asked, a serious look playing on her face.

Danny's mouth dropped at her sarcastic comment. She spent the last years telling him how hot he looked with his shirt off, and how hot and bothered he made her when she saw him walking around, showing off his muscles, and now she was making fun of them.

He simply dipped his paintbrush in the bucket, and then lightly smacked her in the face with it. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I just get you?" He asked her.

"Dan-iel!" Logan shrieked, running her roller down his chest.

Danny let out a laugh, and picked up the towel he had been leaning on. He dabbed her face, which caused her to giggle. "I love you, babe," he told her when he finished wiping her.

"Good," she smirked, taking his dog tags between her fingers, and kissing them. "'Cause I'm carrying your baby girl."

"You sure are," Danny said, placing his hand on her stomach. She smiled, and placed her hand on top of his.

"She's the next Olympic softball pitcher," Logan told Danny.

"She sure is," Danny agreed, nuzzling his nose into Logan's neck.

"Jade Claire Messer is going to have the boys chasing after her."

Danny let out a snort. "Jade Claire Messer is going to have her Daddy chasing the boys with his shotgun in his hand."

"That's a sight I can't wait to see," Logan giggled.

Danny set his hand on her chin, and placed a kiss to her lips. And the two had already began making memories in their daughter's room for a lifetime.

Thanks to those who have been reading, even the lurkers, which surprisingly there were A LOT!! Thanks for adding me to Alerts and favorites, and thanks to the three reviewers:

Brown-Eyed Girl 75

Soccer-Bitch

muchmadness