Author's Note: OMGG HI! I'm hoping I'll be able to get one more chapter out before Christmas, but I'm not making any promises. Weather the storm of angst, my babies. Muahaha!

Also, long reviews are my heart and soul. You guys rock. You make me want to write beautiful, beautiful things. I'm a writing fiend! Here we go!

Leonard looked at his phone for the time and sat in Sheldon's spot, muting the television despite Howard's mewling that the model speaking was positively oozing sex. He shot his comrades, his partners in crime, a hushed look and laced his fingers together delicately.

"Gentlemen, we know he doesn't operate like a regular man. The usual tactics will not suffice. We need a different game-plan, and soon. His grandmother will probably call him while they're at the store. We may not get another time to convene like this with the work-week starting up. Any ideas?"

Howard tore his eyes from the screen. "What's his grandmother calling him about?"

"Yeah, and how do you know?" Raj added, sitting back a little with a worried frown.

Leonard smiled triumphantly. "Sheldon's mom is on board, that's how I know. She wants grandchildren and her prayer group has enough patience to ask Jesus for guidance."

Raj squinted disbelievingly. "Patience? It's not like they're here in California putting up with him all the time. I could have the patience for him if I were in India right now, hearing this all play out over a web-cam."

Howard shook his head. "Regardless, we should have our own plan. How about we set Penny up with somebody? Her usual dates aren't enough to stir up protective feelings, but maybe if Sheldon felt threatened?"

"I doubt we're going to convince Dennis Kim to take her out, and other than that, I don't see anyone Sheldon would care to compare himself with," Leonard responded dismissively. "It doesn't matter if the guy is stronger, bigger, more attractive. He won't believe it if the guy is supposedly smarter. I don't think he gets jealous."

"Didn't you say he freaked a little when she kissed you?" Raj pressed. "When you first realized she was into him?"

Leonard waved his arm. "It might have been jealousy, but it's more likely his pride. She was going against his wishes again, in his head. To him, Penny and I were doomed right from the start and he advised us both against it."

Howard perked up, his eyes lighting up deviously. "So we hit him where we know it actually hurts! His pride!"

"How? We don't have monopoles or Stevenson Awards to take from him. He'll be thorough enough to research any lies we concoct." Raj picked up his take-out container with a look of mild trepidation. "How long do you think it'll take to talk him out of Indian food night?"

"I could start preliminary paperwork now. I'd expect serious changes by September next year, if at all." Leonard stirred his curry weakly. "But we could try to find a hole in his armor. I mean, just because he's obsessed with recognition doesn't mean a guy smarter than he is isn't out there already. A good actor would be able to memorize lines—he could sound convincing enough. And if he could deflect the conversation--"

Howard stood up from excitement, digging in his skinny-leg jeans for his phone. "I have just the guy. My cousin's husband from Detroit—he's a brilliant DJ and he'll be here in California feeling out the LA crowd in time for the Christmas party. God, this might actually work!"

Raj put his fork down and rolled his eyes. "How is this going to work? This is Sheldon we're talking about here, remember?"

"He's got one of Sheldon's memories—but he's a college drop-out and an amazing musician. He plays the sensitive musician card like Leonard plays the cello." Howard dialed. "We give him until the night before the Christmas party to bone up on physics, comic books, and paintball. He comes as Penny's 'date,' and when Sheldon sees someone who's everything he is plus actual social skills, he should, if the hypothesis is correct, flip his lid and go after the girl."

Shaking his head, Raj pulled a loose thread on his sweater-vest. "Yes, he'll flip his lid, but there are two possible outcomes here—either Sheldon decides the female is his, or he completely shuts down. Leonard?"

Howard paused, his thumb hovering over the 'talk' button on his phone, and Raj held his breath. Leonard's eyes darted between the two of them, realizing they were waiting for his input only a second too late. Hedging on the answer, he tried to come up with a way to talk himself into one of the two avenues, but he found Sheldon oddly unpredictable in this particular vacuum. No one was really to what lengths he would travel to have Penny. The only thing they were sure of was he was feeling the stirrings of attraction and learning to accept them. At the very least he was learning not to abhor the arrival of real affection.

"I don't know," Leonard finally muttered, wiping a hand through his hair. "Penny wants to let him take his time. She really listened to his mom when she told us all how slowly Sheldon adjusts to changes, how he needs a lot of space when he's been hurt."

"Yeah, well, Penny always listens when it's about Sheldon," Raj muttered. "And he always listens to her. If he's starting to recognize that she's into him, even if he doesn't understand what that means, he should be able to understand when another man starts pissing on his turf, shouldn't he?"

Howard hesitated again, looking torn. "He didn't know when he'd stolen your date from you with that whole monkey princess nonsense. He's clueless."

Raj looked up, defensive, and curled his lip a little. "This is different! It's written into a man's DNA; when a woman tells you, chemically, verbally, whatever, that she wants to be with you, it is not easily tolerated when she turns around and cozies up to somebody else! Especially if he's more anything than you are!"

Leonard shushed them when he heard voices in the hallway, but he quickly determined they were tenants from the fifth floor and scooted forward on his seat, pushing his glasses up his nose with his free hand while he checked his phone for the time again. "Okay, so it's our only option. And if it fails, he'll see nothing weird with her having another 36-hour relationship that goes nowhere. It doesn't appear to lessen his opinion of her, so...I say we go for it."

"And hope to God he doesn't assume he's not good enough for her and give up entirely on humanity. Sounds good," Howard replied sarcastically. "I know it was my idea and everything, but...let's think about this. As much as I razz on him, he's still...you know. A friend?"

"I'm sure he'd be touched to hear you say that," Raj replied dryly and motioned toward Howard urgently. "Make the call. It's all we've got right now."

***

"How's my Moon-pie?"

Sheldon did his best to position himself so he was facing more toward the exit than the check-outs, but he couldn't do so without looking woefully awkward, a tangle of knees and elbows, and so he settled for tilting his face toward the claw machine in the vestibule and grinning like an idiot at his reflection. "I'm doing well. Very well, in fact. I'm at the market with my neighbor, picking up a few staples. How are you?"

"Oh, I suppose I'm doing all right. I do miss my favorite grandson, of course. When are you coming to visit?" Her voice called on memories of warm cookies, light-hearted tickling matches, and the smell of ginger. Sheldon missed her terribly and it hadn't occurred to him until he heard her voice like she was sitting two feet away, speaking softly into his ear. He cursed the superior sound quality he'd insisted upon when selecting a new cellular device.

He sighed, feeling tired and pitifully unprepared for this conversation. "I'm not sure at the moment. I've got to teach this awful class next term, so I won't have any real leisure time until March, perhaps even April. And with this blasted sabbatical my mother has imposed on me with help from Gablehauser...well, if I don't get something done while I'm stuck at my apartment, I'll be weeks behind on my next dissertation and that certainly doesn't bode well."

And then his grandmother, his most beloved of all his family members, clucked her tongue at him—something she only did when she was displeased or disappointed with him in some way. He felt the stirrings of unrest in his stomach and he rapidly lost what little appetite he'd conjured up for the evening. He felt more nauseous than before and spun, looking wildly for Penny, who was going through the different gum flavors, though she seemed to feel his stare and turned, smiling encouragingly at him. He took in a deep breath and looked at his shoes.

"Meemaw?"

"Your momma asked for that time so you could get out away from work for a little bit. A vacation, Sweet-Cakes. Even brilliant minds need to take a break now and then, don't they?"

He'd closed his eyes during her gentle explanation, actually pining for the familiar sounds of Texan accents and cracking beer tabs. Snapping himself from this grandmother-induced daze, he rubbed his forehead with his free hand and bent over his knees, wondering if he ought to ask Penny to take him to the hospital, feeling flushed and nauseous. The onset of a headache was the third and final nail in the coffin causing his hypochondria to take over.

"I'm sorry if I'm not more talkative. I'm not feeling well this evening."

"Nothing a round of 'Soft Kitty' and some warm soup won't cure. It isn't that swine flu, is it?"

He shook his head, pulling his knees to his chest, heels resting on the bench seat. "No. It's not consistent in any particular way. In fact, I'm really starting to believe it's purely psychological. I should call Beverly and see who I might consult for a second opinion."

"Well, how are ya feelin'?" He could hear the sounds of her antique tea set clinking softly in the background and he thought how late it must be in Galveston, how she must be having her tea before bed, and how he wanted desperately for there to be more time.

So, quietly, he briefly reported his symptoms. "No appetite, slightly feverish, mild head pains, a stomachache, and oddly...giddy through it all. A curious amalgamation, I should say."

After a few moments of what he thought was silence, he heard the whispery sounds of her laugh as it built from a chuckle to a full belly-laugh in a slow crescendo. He sat up straight, feeling affronted somehow, almost betrayed by her dismissal of his extremely distressing bodily misery.

"What is it? How is this funny?" he demanded, keeping his tone polite despite his irritation.

"Moon-Pie, is that girl your momma was telling me about with you at the store?"

His eyes betrayed him and he looked over at Penny as she took her change from the clerk, slid the receipt into her wallet, and hefted the paper bag containing the six-pack of bottle Diet Coke, a carton of egg nog, and the most recent edition of People.

"Yes," he whispered urgently.

"I'm so proud of you, Sheldon." Her voice was tender, like she was looking at him as he was when he was standing shakily on her porch between the rocking chair and the old wood-stove, waiting for a kiss goodbye before he went to college. He'd been just a boy then, and though his intellectual pursuits meant the world to him, he did understand the sacrifices he was making. At that time, the most important covenant he'd made was the one he'd made with his grandmother. He'd promised to write letters if she sent care packages. He promised to visit her every time he was in Texas. She promised to send him only the best cookies from her batch. She promised to make sure his sister didn't break any of his 'inventions' while he was away.

After she'd hugged him, his father, forever impatient, honked the horn of their beat-up Ford pick-up and Sheldon slouched, looking like an orphan, like he was about to toss aside his Batman backpack and wrap his frail arms around her leg and beg to stay with her instead.

"Put your chin up," she'd told him then. "I'm proud of you, Sheldon."

Instinctively he stuck his chin up, but this time he didn't know where the terror ahead was, or where she wanted him to go. He had no literal heel to spin on, no destination he was aware of, and his doting grandmother, who spoiled him and enabled him in the worst ways, humanized him. He let his gaze drift over Penny a moment and his heart tightened with his stomach.

"She sits in my spot, Meemaw." Penny approached, her hips swinging just a little, smiling at him cautiously, asking silently if it was all right she came closer, possibly intruding on this moment. "She doesn't understand a thing about what I do for a living. She makes fun of me at every opportunity!"

He was panting and his grandmother said nothing, just listened. With the limited time he had, considering Penny was slowly pacing over, a frown on her face, he turned away once more, seeing his pale cheeks and bluish lips in the reflection of the claw machine's gaudy, fun-house mirror.

"She kisses me sometimes."

"I know you and you wouldn't let her if you didn't like it just a little, Sheldon Lee." Her tone was fierce (immediately he saw Penny's face twisted up like that awful supermodel; he watched her dissolve into giggles while spots danced in his vision). "Listen to me carefully and realize that I don't need no fancy whiteboard or flowchart to know this without a doubt: you are attracted to her."

Categorically impossible, he wanted to say. I have no time for these inane relationships. I have more important things to be doing. I need no partner—not in science, not in life. I prefer to be alone. Just because I tolerate her exceedingly physical representations of friendship does not mean I completely accept the notion I am attracted to Penny. I have no control over my biological responses to her. Depriving myself of human contact over time has made me more sensitive to these advances. I am not suitable to her needs. I am not capable of providing the type of relationship Penny desires, nor the one she needs.

"She's right there?" His grandmother sighed loudly.

He didn't need to answer as he looked away from his cold, expressionless reflection and over at Penny, who had come to a slow halt beside the bench, her fingers tightening on the corner of the paper bag she was resting on her hip. Snaking an eye along her frame, he lowered his feet to the ground and started to push himself up when she waved him down, mouthing that she'd load the car and pull it to the doors. She started out the door without him and he paused, thinking it was nice of her to give him the time he needed when his grandmother's voice, soft like she was a miniature angel (or demon?) sitting on his shoulder, whispered to him.

"For God's sake, boy! Carry the bags!"

Like the good Southern boy he was, Sheldon obeyed; he tilted the mouthpiece away from his chin only slightly and called, "Penny! Let me carry that."

Lifting her eyebrow, she held out her arms, balancing the bag, and Sheldon, looking torn and a little miffed, handed her his phone and took the bag, securing it against his side. He pushed the door open for her and propped it with his foot, waiting for her to take her cue. She headed out first, looking at the display on his phone before awkwardly lifting to her ear, taking care not to get her mouth too closer just in case he threw a fit about germs.

She'd hardly opened her mouth to apologize to his grandmother for interrupting their conversation when the older woman started to speak in short, twangy tones that demanded Penny's complete and undivided attention.

"Listen carefully and listen good, young lady. You are dealing with my grandson—he's easy to spook, but you crack a small enough hole in him to get inside and get safe, you're going to be fine. Now, I've talked to Mary about you and I want you to know you're doing a fine job. That bein' said, I can't miss the opportunity to tell you Sheldon's grandfather taught me to use the old 12-gauge in the garage and I have plenty of property here in Texas. I have no problem spending the rest of my days in lock-up, understood?"

"Understood," Penny replied, used to hearing her father say this to her high school boyfriends enough to know it was futile to explain how honorable her intentions were.

"Good. Now, don't you play with his heart. He's shy, believe it or not. But don't you let him push you around neither—give him an inch and he'll take a whole light-year if he can." She chuckled and then cleared her throat noisily. "You tell him I headed to bed and there's a letter in the mail comin' for him in time for Christmas. And tell him I love him."

"Of course. It was, uh, wonderful to finally speak to you. Sheldon talks about you all the time." Penny shot Sheldon a teasing smile while he squirmed, shifting the weight of the bag in his arms, watching her helplessly while she talked to his grandmother—a person so dear to him he kept letters she'd written him stashed in a box in his bedroom, so dear he couldn't stand the use of her nickname for him used by anyone else, so dear he shamelessly professed his affection for her, given the opportunity.

"Save the sentiment for when we speak in person, Dear. I'm sure we will." Before Penny could reply, she'd hung up and Penny had no choice but to fake a farewell and slip Sheldon's phone into the outer pouch of her purse, sliding her key in the passenger's side door to let him in.

"Why did you hang up?" he asked, sounding horrified.

"She said there's a letter in the mail coming in time for Christmas, so she was going to go to bed and let us get back to whatever it was we were doing before she interrupted. And that she loves her nummy-nummy Moon-Pie." She stuck her tongue out a little at his glare. "Don't be such a baby, Sheldon. I think it's adorable."

"Cute is acceptable, adorable implies you find me infantile." He folded his arms, the bag resting between his feet on the floor. "I'm not a child."

She bent and kissed his forehead loudly. "Don't pout, Sweetie."

He yanked his door shut the second she was out of the way and she sighed, going to her side to unlock her own door when she felt her phone buzzing in her jeans pocket. Frowning, she fished it out, holding the key near the slot on her door, hopelessly lost trying to understand Howard's text.

Next Monday meet me at Bernadette's apt. so I can introduce you to Ian. We have a plan.

She sat in the car and hit the 'reply' option, but when she reached to put the keys in the ignition, Sheldon launched into a long list of reasons she should avoid texting a driving. She heard, I wouldn't want you to get hurt, Penny. So, canceling the reply, she put her phone back in her pocket, buckled up, and started the car, taking a moment to smooth the black electrical tape back over the check engine light before pulling out of the parking lot.

***

Howard loitered by the bar of the Cheesecake Factory like it was his job to creep out all the other patrons of the restaurant entirely. He kept shooting nervous glances over his shoulder and avoiding Penny's gaze like it burned his skin. She had absolutely no problem ignoring him right back, however, and went about her usual hustle-and-bustle with fewer problems than normal.

Stepping into the walk-in freezer to check her messages during a rare moment of down-time, Penny saw a collection from Raj, Howard, and Leonard, which made her feel less anxious about leaving work straight for Bernadette's for some kind of meeting with the maroon-and-yellow disaster loitering at the bar..

Howard has a cousin from Detroit, Leonard explained, and he agreed last night to come as your fake-date to the Christmas party.

She frowned and scrolled to the next message, this sent by Raj. Forgive us,but this was the only conceivable way we could think to help you get more than your big toe in the door.

Brain buzzing, she looked at the next message, still a little confused. Come to my gf Bernadette's like we talked about and I'll explain everything.

The next message. I mean *everything.*

The next. Stop looking at me you're blowing my cover!

Rolling her eyes, Penny hit the reply button, puffed her cheeks out in the cold air of the freezer, and let her fingers dance over the keys of her phone. howard, u blo yr own cover w/o my help. quit scarin the cstmrs.

She slid her phone back into an unused pocket of her apron, smoothed her uniform shirt one last time, and threw open the door to the freezer, stepping out with a little sigh of relief as the hot air from the grill poured over and erased her goosebumps. Taking this moment for herself, she relished the fact her feet didn't hurt yet, her calves were burning lightly from good exercise, and her heart was only aching a little.

Clueless Sheldon, lost-in-thought Sheldon, lost Sheldon influenced most of her heartaches these days. Last night, after they climbed the stairs to 4A, arguing about Batman: The Dark Knight Returns and its drawing style, they'd arrived at the door and Sheldon tried it, finding it locked. Penny fetched her spare key from the apartment and let them in. Their food was in the fridge, labeled clearly, with a disclaimer on Sheldon's claiming it hadn't been touched. No such promise for Penny's meal, however.

"There's a note for you in my spot," Sheldon called as he took his reheated plate over to the coffee table to sit. "Penny, get this piece of paper out of my spot!"

She rolled her eyes but quickly walked over and snatched up the paper, breaking the tape seal and opening it to find Leonard's nearly indecipherable handwriting hiding inside.

"His first weakness is a Harvey-Dent-esque inability to make decisions without some sort of logic to help him, though he doesn't flip a coin. His second is his Southern-style respect. Unless you're at war, he won't be opening notes and letters to you. So, I left this in plain sight.

"We vacated the apartment to let you guys continue your evening together without the joy of Howard Wolowitz. If Sheldon asks, we went to play chess in the park and we took our heavy coats and gloves. Don't tell him which park, I'm begging you.

"Enjoy your evening with Dr. Whack-a-doodle, Penny.

"Leonard'

She smiled but felt like soon enough Sheldon was going to notice their deliberate attempts to leave the two of them alone together. Before her trip to the hospital, they rarely spent extended amounts of time together without the others present, not that it hadn't been fun, but it had hardly felt like this particular moment. Contrived, something others had decided would be good for them. But, Penny floundered, she and Sheldon had no idea what was good for them at the moment, so she had no idea why three socially inept geniuses thought they knew better, but she was learning to let go.

If anything good was happening to her growth-wise, the way she hoped it was happening to Sheldon, she was making great gains in patience and letting go. If it wasn't important to her, she could let it be important to him.

Her shift dragged on, but when she punched out and yanked Howard away from his perch at the bar, she was no less relieved to know it was over. He gave no clues on the drive to Bernadette's apartment, but promised they weren't going to make anything any worse. Penny couldn't honestly say she believed him, but she had no choice but to accept his offer for help. It was one thing to say she needed to give him space, to take things slowly, to ease him into it...and another to follow through on it when it would be so tempting to flaunt her newfound knowledge of all the things he loved until he snapped.

When she and Howard got out of her car at Bernadette's modestly-sized apartment building, she could hear a thumping bass completely surrounding her. Shaking her head, Penny led the way to Bernadette's door and pushed it open, almost wincing at the pure volume. Inside, a red-haired man with a set of headphones and an unlit cigarette hunched over two laptop computers and reached out a hand to start a turntable spinning. He looked up, a pleased smile flitting over his face.

The music turned down abruptly. "You must be Penny," the man greeted, lowering his headphones around his neck. "I'm Ian."

"You married into the Wolowitz family?" Penny asked incredulously.

Chuckling to himself, Ian nodded and started flipping switches; turntables stopped and the black light dangling over his mixing board flickered off. "I did. I technically converted, but neither me nor my blushing bride go to synagogue anymore. Don't tell your mother, Howie." Ian winked. "I heard you've got your eye on one of my esteemed cousin's friends."

"You haven't met him, have you?" Penny asked nervously, entering the apartment cautiously, convinced she should be open to the idea of going along with the whole scheme, but more inclined to bolt at the first sign of trouble.

Ian shook his head and took the headphones from around his neck, dropping them softly on top of his gear. "No, never. I've heard plenty about him, though."

Penny turned, shoving a finger in Howard's direction. "Explain!"

"Leonard and Raj are going to be here in ten minutes—Bernadette went to distract Sheldon." Howard lifted his hands in defense and smiled disarmingly. "We've got this covered, Penny. We take deception very seriously, especially when it comes to that neurotic--"

"Careful," she warned, lowering her hand reluctantly, and smoothed her skirt, looking for an open piece of furniture. It appeared, however, Ian had completely taken over her apartment, using every armchair and love-seat to hold various speakers, mixing boards, extension cords, and crates of records and 45s.

Penny dropped her purse to the floor and picked at a loose thread on her uniform shirt, worried that Sheldon felt abandoned, or confused, or worse—suspicious. Thankfully, she didn't have to wait very long for Leonard and Raj to burst inside the apartment.

Leonard checked the hallway, pushed Raj inside, and closed the door, locking it before throwing the chain on for good measure. He leveled Penny with a steady gaze and she had an overwhelming desire to hug him and thank him, to shower him in chaste kisses until he understood just how much it meant to her that he was both letting her go and helping her be with Sheldon, his frustrating, robotic, neurotic, and grating roommate. A man who was also his best friend.

She felt the start of tears prickling at the backs of her eyes, but Leonard looked over at Ian importantly, tossing him String Theory for Dummies with an urgent grimace. "Ready, everyone?"

She listened to them intently, watching Raj carefully list reasons they though the plan would work, how they had coordinated everything, including mistletoe and music. There was no need to voice her concerns, because Howard ran interference and hushed her fears quietly, giving past examples and hypothesizing on that which had no precedent.

"So, after he's done all the prep-work, he'll join you at the party on Thursday," Leonard sat back from the sheet of paper he'd been writing on—an impromptu whiteboard. "I'll introduce you two to Sheldon—Ian, you can play it by ear what you say, but if it's something you don't understand or don't want to talk about with him, just deflect. Music, traveling, living in Detroit, anything. Penny, your job is to look fascinated, talk to him about all that, comic books, whatever else. Sheldon should boil over in about an hour." Leonard scribbled something in the upper left corner and sat back again, frowning at his work. "Raj?"

"At which point we ask you find him—we'll position him under the mistletoe. You kiss," he swallowed, trying not to picture the actual kiss, which would no doubt be very different from the harmless peck she'd treated Sheldon with over the piano last time, "and, if everything went correctly, he'll know enough to ask you out."

"If you're lucky, he'll save the museum for date number three," Howard intoned flatly and folded his arms, smiling like a fool. "So? Sound good?"

"I...I g-guess," she stuttered in response. "Do you think he'll actually ask me out?"

"We can plant the seeds all week—we have until Thursday." Howard waved his arm dismissively, laughing with a crooked grin. "It technically is a non-optional social convention to allow the woman you love to be swept off her feet by a DJ from Detroit."

Ian frowned and cleared his throat pointedly, not needing to speak afterward. Penny watched him walk into the kitchenette and crack open a beer with his wedding ring, staring blankly into the sink while the residual beat of whatever he'd been working on coursed through him. She'd dated musicians before, but the usual spark of interest she felt when one of the curious enigmas breezed into the room was conspicuously absent.

"Is he going to be able to pull this off?" Penny whispered to Leonard.

Smiling, Leonard adjusted his glasses and nodded. "He was on his way to a doctorate in mathematics at a pretty good school over on the east coast. He knows what he's talking about for the most part. He dropped out to pursue his music career. That's where he and Sheldon end, for the purposes of this charade."

She was nervous but resigned. Though she knew she wasn't doing all she could to wake him up and make him smell the coffee, she was at a loss. Where to begin was the penultimate mystery; once that was determined, she could build a fairly sturdy foundation, but other than telling him to shut up and hug her, she had bupkis.

Ian removed his wedding band later that night, just before Penny left for home, and dropped it into Howard's waiting palm. They checked to see if he'd already developed a tan line, but he and his wife had only married a month ago and so other than a little line across his finger from the pressure of the ring on his skin, there was nothing. They declared their scheme a go and Penny chewed her tongue, wanting dearly to ask for another day before they were firmly decided, but it was too late.

When she got back to the apartment, she spotted Sheldon getting his mail and fetched hers, listening politely when he started chattering about his missing comrades and how he was sure they were lying to him when they said the party was going to be small. He was sorting through his letters when he stopped short of the fourth-floor landing and lifted a green envelope with glitter sprinkling out the sides.

"Whatchya got there?" she asked, her feet aching, her legs almost numb from the cold and the stress of standing all day.

"It's a Christmas card from my grandmother," he replied slowly.

"Well, what's so weird about that? Didn't she tell you she was going to be sending one? I definitely told you last night." Penny sighed and put her hand on her hip. "Sheldon, c'mon. I'm sure Leonard will be back any second now."

Sheldon held the card out to her, more glittering showering down from the slightly torn corner and Penny's eyes widened. It was addressed in beautiful handwriting, the kind that boasted of polishing school and etiquette classes, in purple ink. It was addressed to Dr. Sheldon Cooper & Penny.

"Well," Penny spluttered uselessly. "I spoke to her on the phone. Maybe she knew we wouldn't be...maybe she knew I wasn't going home either. Did you tell her? Did your mother tell her? You guys are throwing the party because I'm a little homesick. That makes sense, doesn't it?"

"She spoke to you yesterday. It arrived today. Yesterday was Sunday, and the United States Postal Service doesn't operate on Sundays, Penny. She sent this before she spoke to you." He snatched the card back, looking horrified and offended. "She doesn't send cards to me and Leonard. The box of letters in my room are to me. She can't write letters to you!"

"Sheldon, it's just a Christmas card. I'm sure...I'm sure..."

He tore open the envelope and the last of the glitter spilled out and all over his pants, but ignored it. Tugging the card out, he flipped it open, pretending he didn't notice the picture of the half-melted snowman on the front. Inside, the required religious sentiment was on the opposite panel, but on the blank side, she'd written him a note in the same purple ink, in the same flowing, elegant handwriting she and all the girls of her generation had learned.

He was finished before Penny could even lean to get a peek at whatever it was, and he folded the card shut, his cheeks flushing hotly. They stared at each other a moment before she held her hand out for the card, but he stuffed it back in the envelope and shook his head, muttering a half-hearted apology.

"Sheldon, come on. It was addressed to both of us, wasn't it?"

"I'm not supposed to let you read it until Christmas," he retorted dutifully and pinked around the cheeks again. "But only if you...I have to interject, I'm sorry. My family...they're..."

"They're?" Penny laughed gently. "They're what?"

"They're convinced that you're somehow a miracle brought on by my mother's prayer group, and that you're going to be a part of my 'happy New Year.'"

Her teasing smile fell a little and she stepped down so she was only one step above Sheldon, her eyes half-lidded with a patience just about worn thin. "And why wouldn't I be part of a joyful 2010, Sheldon?"

He dodged the question skillfully, answering, "I may give you the card Christmas morning if you kiss me underneath the mistletoe." The moment the words left his mouth he pinched his lips shut and looked at his shoes, finding his hands behind his back, clasping them together around letters, magazines, and postcards.

Penny smiled a little at his frustrated huff of air and took his chin in her hand, tilting his face up and kissing him gently on the lips before pulling back, her forehead resting on his. "Why wouldn't I?"

"It's not that I thought you wouldn't," he breathed, sounding more relaxed already. "It's that my grandmother knows you'll kiss me. Penny, I don't even know when you're going to—"

She silenced him with another kiss, her mind on Leonard, Howard, Ian, and Raj. She hoped dearly their plan would work and she wouldn't have to worry about his anxieties. If they broke through his fears and got him to throw himself from the safety of solitude, there was no reason she couldn't admit she loved him, that she thought he might be able to love her back, and that she'd very much like to call him her boyfriend, as unimportant as that would probably seem to him.

He broke back with a huff of irritation. "You!"

"Me," she giggled and felt a smile spread over her face like butter melting over hot toast, and Sheldon growled, kissing her as if he didn't like it one bit, an arm coming out from behind him to slide around her waist. She made a surprised noise, pleased with this development, and drew away, lightly grazing over the back of his neck with her fingernails.

"What are you up to tonight?"

"Nothing," he replied immediately, though his cheek twitched, throwing half his face into a strange, frightening grin for just an instant.

A moment later she closed her apartment door and pushed the mail from Sheldon's limp hands, stalking him as he walked backwards, his breathing short, until the backs of his legs hit the edge of her couch and he sat heavily. Hitching her skirt, Penny took a deep breath, wondering if it would break his heart when she came to the party with Ian. She was sure he understood the relationship requirement that both parties had to be completely sure they were dating in order for one to feel truly cheated. He erased her unease with a hand that slid up the back of her shirt, finding bare skin and hesitantly brushing over it.

If she had ever doubted he was a fast learner, she certainly didn't tonight. His kisses were educated enough to make her forget he'd been an amateur not terribly long ago, and though he easily grew flustered and had to tilt his head away to gasp and blink around her apartment, disbelieving of it all. Occasionally he almost thought he was floating above himself, watching some strange doppelgänger of himself kissing a beautiful blonde girl who had scooted back to his knees and was tugging her shirt off over her head. When she crashed back against his lips, he crashed back into his body and sat up against her scantily clad torso and frantically slid his hands up her bare back, trying to speak but not sure what would be appropriate to say.

She paused, grinding to a halt as Sheldon relaxed a little and reached to smooth his shirts down, jumping a little when she withdrew her hand from the front of his shirt and rested her palm against the Superman symbol in the center of his chest. "Sheldon..."

"Penny?"

She cupped his chin, smiling at him encouragingly, surprised how at-ease they were with her in a skirt hiked up to her hips and no shirt, splay-legged on his lap while he fought to get his pulse down to a regular level and even out his erratic breathing. "Tell me I'm not...I don't know, breaking you."

He shifted his hips a little and glanced down. "I don't think so, but I have heard the occasional horror story. The spongy tissue in—"

"Oh, for God's sake, Sheldon!" Penny squeezed his cheeks, forcing his chin back up, blushing hotly. "I'm not talking about that, Christ!"

He flushed in return, feeling ridiculous, telling himself this was precisely why he preferred his own company, why he didn't go out of his way to find anyone else with whom to share the world. The only drawback was lack of recognition, and in the rare case he needed help, he didn't like the prospect of fending for himself. "Oh."

"I mean up here, Dr. Beautiful Mind." She tapped his temple and smiled carefully. "Because I want you to know...I'm not playing a game with you, Sheldon."

"A game?" he repeated, sounding confused. "What game might you play with me? I'm assuming we're not talking about 'Research Lab' or 'Halo' or any of those."

She took a deep breath to steady herself. "I'm not trying to lead you on, I'm not using you. Make sense now?"

Blinking at her, he felt absurdly distracted by the pressure of her still perched on his lap. Vaguely he knew his body was keen to perform a mating ritual, but he wasn't sure what proper protocol was for asking if that was even an option. So he pushed all his energy into listening to her, feeling his face heating up—he could also feel the beginnings of light perspiration.

"Make sense?" she asked again, desperate to make sure he at least understood that much.

He nodded a little. "As much as I can, I suppose."

"Okay, good." She inhaled sharply and couldn't help but add, "Because I don't want to be played with, either. And know that...know that a person can only take so much."

Thoroughly confused, Sheldon simply nodded again and was rewarded with a warm, almost entirely non-sexual kiss. The tiny part that was still designed to elicit a biological response him did a spectacular job. Penny broke away with a relaxed sigh and tucked her face under his chin, hugging him tightly.

She opened her mouth to tell him to hug her back, but sat up a little and engulfed her in a tight return embrace, sighing gently into her hair. After a spell, he squirmed again and held her shoulders at arm's length, giving her a crooked half-smile.

"I made plans for tomorrow seeing how I don't have work and I'll have to get up early. I probably should retire early."

Glancing at the time, she pouted her lips just barely. "It's only nine o' clock. You could stay over here for just a little longer, couldn't you?"

"I'd rather go read a little before I try to sleep." The unspoken part, the part he wasn't sure was appropriate to add was, If I were to stay much longer, I don't think I would fall asleep at all tonight.

Penny climbed off his lap and picked up her shirt, moving swiftly toward her bedroom. "Goodnight, Sheldon." Her door snapped shut and Sheldon felt his lip curl. He almost slammed her door behind himself as he tore across the hall to his apartment, mail in hand. Pressing his back against his closed door, he screwed his face up into a snarl and turned, lifting a fist to punch the closed door, but stopped himself at the last minute, thinking of how much it'd probably hurt.

Leonard lifted his eyebrow. "Where were you?"

"Over at Penny's, though I clearly shouldn't have let her invite me inside," Sheldon spat, feeling much like he did whenever she admitted she didn't know what a USB port was, or something similar.

Standing up in a hurry, Leonard reached up, clutching his cheeks. "What happened now? What happened, Sheldon?"

"First she tried to tell me she wasn't playing games, whatever that means, and then she told me she didn't like to be played with, and she'd been kissing me again. I have no idea what she was blathering on about, and then I needed to go to bed because I'm going to meet my sister tomorrow early in the morning and..." His rage abruptly subsided and he opened the door a crack, looking over his shoulder at Leonard's confused frown. "Should I go apologize?"

"For...what, exactly? Catch me up."

"Oh, never mind. You're surprisingly useless, Leonard, honestly." He threw open the door and marched out, knocking three times on Penny's door and calling her name.

Penny didn't open the door, but called through it, "Just go to bed, Sheldon. I'm not in the mood."

"I came to apologize." He rested his forehead on the door. "I'm not sure what I did this time, but nevertheless, I'd like to attempt to reconcile before I go away for the entirety of the day tomorrow."

She opened the door, her face speckled with red, makeup gone, her eyes glittering angrily. "Just go to bed, Sheldon. You and I both know everything will work out just fine. Until then, sweat it out."

He stuck out his lower lip, making one of his whining noises like he'd just remembered the new neighbors on the fifth floor, or that Siam Palace was going to be under new management starting in March. "Why do you insist on making me suffer like this?"

"Because," her voice cracked a little, "you manage to make me second-guess myself and feel like the most beautiful, semi-important thing in your life in the same breath. I'll admit I'm not being mature, but I'd like you to spend at least the next five minutes before you fall asleep thinking about how it makes me feel, yes feel, when you tell me you'd rather go read a pile of comic books and sit alone in your room than spend ten more minutes with me. It took me three years to get you to admit I wasn't an 'uninteresting simpleton' from the Midwest." She inhaled sharply and laughed gently to herself, shaking her head. "If last night was the best you have to offer...God, maybe I'm stupid, but I would take that. But I have this feeling sometimes like I'll only get that once in a blue moon."

She closed the door when he stared blankly at her and by the time he got to his bedroom and fell across it, shoes still on, he thought he could hear a slight rattle in his chest like he was about to squeak. He blinked a few times, frustrated. After the frustration for Penny ebbed away, it attacked anew, focused on him. He sat up and stared at his reflection in the small mirror on his dresser, wondering if he had it in him to be everything Penny deserved, everything she wanted.

When Leonard passed by Sheldon's room on his way to bed, he paused and heard Sheldon sniff quietly and cough. As a preliminary, evasive maneuver, he packed his overnight emergency bag and hurried over to Stephanie's apartment, worried he would be babysitting Sheldon, who was on sabbatical, in love (though in denial), and sick.

Penny glanced one last time at her bedroom door and heaved a sigh, knowing she had taken her time long enough. Resolving to call Sheldon's mother in the morning to double-check with her about this whole Ian business, she felt an odd peace settle in her.

"Sometimes," she said aloud to her empty apartment. "The only way to get through to you is to knock you around a little bit. That doesn't mean I like it." Her eyes watered once more. She never thought she'd ever fall in love with a man who obviously had feelings for her but was unable to access them with any consistency. It seemed impossible she would be attracted to someone so guarded and cold.

But he warmed, and when he did, it was well worth it. Closing her eyes, she hoped he wasn't too upset tomorrow and wrapped her arms around an extra pillow, her mind drifting over Howard, Raj, and Leonard. Her heart swelled and she smiled despite the sick knot in the pit of her stomach. At least she was blessed with an invaluable friendship. No one could deny that.