Chapter 4 - Read A.N
(A.N: I know the chapter numbers are confusing…I got rid of the original chapter one because it sucked - majorly. Bolded Italics means journal entries. 'This means thoughts.' Dashes are time passing, or scene changes…Upped this to Rated M, due to swearing! Gomen nasai for not posting in AGES! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!)
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He was a wreck. He was in ruins.
He was hopeless.
There were tears rolling relentlessly down his cheeks, even as he tried to get a grip. Tried to stop himself from crying.
He was weak.
Frustrated with himself, frustrated with everything, Yzak picked up his bedside lamp. He ripped the shade off of it and threw it across the room. He then proceeded to throw the entire glass lamp across the room.
His ears were met with satisfying shatter.
--
"What was that?" Cagalli questioned, standing. Her immediate reaction was to check on her son. She was glad to see that he was still fast asleep. As she looked down the hall, she saw Lacus doing the exact same thing. Worried about her nephew, Cagalli called out, softly,
"Lacus?"
"Kiro is fine…And Arien?"
"He's fine. Still sleeping."
Lacus nodded, and closed her sons door. Her attention turned to Kira, who was at the end of the hall, having left his seat in the living room. She went to meet him, and assured him that their child was sleeping. Athrun appeared next to his friend, and Cagalli told him the same thing.
"That means…" Athrun trailed, hurrying for Yzak's room.
--
Someone was at his bedroom door, pounding a fist off of it, and hissing his name. He was glad he'd locked it. This was his time for destruction. His time to fall apart.
No one could stop him from becoming a mess.
He pulled open his bedside tables drawer, and grabbed the loose papers he could see. He whipped them out at random. He didn't care where they landed. He didn't want to know. When he felt the familiar exterior of his journal, he paused for a brief moment.
His most secret thoughts, and feelings…Written on the pages of this ever hidden book. But that didn't matter now. It didn't matter anymore. It would probably never matter again. He whipped it across the room. The last thing he touched, was the picture of Dearka and himself.
--
He came back to find Kira, Lacus and Cagalli, all sitting in the living room. All of them looked tense. And all of them were looking in the general direction of the hallway that lead to Yzak's room. They didn't appear to notice his entrance, until he shut the door behind himself.
"Dearka!" Kira announced, standing. The blonde was removing his shoes as he answered,
"Hey. It's a crazy storm outside! It's raining really hard and…" The blonde paused. He stepped away from his shoes and towards the living room,
"…What's wrong?"
No one answered. They all turned their attention back to the hallway. The blonde removed his bag, and found one of the pill bottles, which he stuffed in his pocket. Then he froze.
A sound found his ears, and it was one he hadn't been prepared for.
Screaming…Crying…Broken words…A name…Oh god, a name…
He reached into a pocket on his bag, and pulled out his lock pit set. He stood up, abandoning his bag, as he took off down the hall.
Shit.
He barreled down the hallway, and through the next, half-tripping himself down the stairs.
"Athrun?!" He called out. The blue haired male was tense and waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
"Dearka!" He looked relieved when he saw the blonde.
"Go and get me a flashlight, and a first aid kit. If I know him well enough, I'll need these things," the male wasted no time in setting the lock pick tools up. He didn't notice Athrun leave. All he could do was focus on steadying his hands well enough to unlock the door. Athrun had returned in time to hear the click. Dearka rammed the set into one of his pockets, and pushed the door open slightly. Athrun handed him the first aid kit, and the flashlight. Turning it on, Dearka stepped into the room,
"I don't want anyone to come in here with me. I'll talk to him, and it's better if I do it alone. The rest of you just calm down…And trust me."
Athrun looked a little nervous about all of this, and went to object, but he was met with a closed door, and a locking sound. He waited for a moment, before he gave in, and headed upstairs.
He'd have to trust Dearka.
--
He shone the flashlight around the room. Papers were scattered all over the floor. To his left, the lamp was shattered into thousands of pieces, and there was a dent in the wall where it must have hit. To his right, more papers and…
He picked up the picture carefully, avoiding cutting himself on the glass. That was them alright. His arm around the silver haired males waist…He folded the picture and put it in his pocket. Then he noticed the book. Lifting it carefully, he opened it.
Yzak's slightly messy scrawl scattered itself across the page.
It's probably wrong…But it feels so right. I shouldn't feel this way, and I know that.
But I can't help it.
I see Athrun and Kira happy with their wives…And I wonder if my life should be that way as well, but I don't think I could ever care for a woman the way I care for…
But isn't it just so wrong?
The blonde flipped through the pages, to another entry.
He's gone. I've never felt so empty and alone before. I won't dare tell the others how I feel, but I think they know already. The nightmares are more than enough for them. It's almost as though I know I'm doing it as I sleep, but I can't stop myself…
Every night is the same. I'm up until one or two in the morning, and then - once I fall asleep - I start having nightmares. They probably seem childish and insignificant…But it's almost as though I'm chasing what's out of my reach. Every single night. Eventually, it leads to me screaming.
I sleepwalk to…It's like I'm in a daze…And I always wake up in Dearka's room…
Why did he leave? Couldn't he see that I need him?
The pages flipped again.
Dearka has been gone for almost two years now. I try not to think about him, but that's hard. Athrun and Cagalli have each other, and their little boy - Arien. Kira and Lacus are the same way, and have their little Kiro. And then there's me.
I barely leave the house - unless I absolutely have to. I don't want to be outside - though Athrun has told me it would be a fantastic way for me to meet girls…I know he's just kidding, but it really pisses me off.
I just wish Dearka would come back already.
I hate this…
The blonde placed the book back down on the floor.
--
Oh great. Just great. Dearka was back.
And he'd lock picked his way into the males room. And locked out Athrun. And he'd found the picture. He'd also apparently found the males journal. His private thoughts. His inner battles. His angst. His love.
Everything.
The male was sure that he was in for rejection. He was definitely going to have his heart ripped from his chest. Was his heart even in his chest anymore? He was almost positive that it had drowned itself in his stomach by now, considering it had felt like it had settled there when Dearka had left.
--
He approached the male carefully. He kept his light on the floor, so he wouldn't step on glass. He pulled the bottle of pills from his pocket, and placed them on the bedside table. He then set the first aid kit down. He opened it, and set the flashlight on the table, with the light facing the ceiling, to cast more light into the room.
"You're allowed to be angry with me," Dearka's voice murmured,
"But let me wrap your scar up properly. It's going to get infected."
"Don't care," Yzak told him bitterly.
"…Well, I care."
"…Yeah, right."
The blonde sighed, and moved Yzak's hands away from his head. He lifted the males head, and his silver haired companion looked away, childishly. Dearka didn't care about that. He undid the bandages, and set about cleaning the wound. When Yzak was in fresh bandages that were wrapped properly, the blonde closed the latches on the first aid kit.
"Florida…Wasn't meant as a vacation. I didn't go there to have fun. I mean, I did have some fun while I was there, because my friend basically demanded it of me. But I didn't go there for fun."
"Save it."
"…" The blonde sighed, frustrated,
"Listen Yzak…If you want to be angry with me, that's fine. But can you at least hear me out first? Then you can be mad if you want to be - at least then you'll have answers."
"…"
"…Or you can just ignore me, and live in a pit of misery because your questions aren't answered."
"…"
Dearka went to walk away, but Yzak grabbed the males wrist. He didn't speak. He didn't even look at him. The blonde sighed, and sat himself down on the edge of the bed. His friend released him, and hid his face - waiting.
"…I went to Florida, for answers."
"Did Mickey Mouse help you solve life's problems?"
"Funny," Dearka mumbled. The blonde sighed, and continued with what he needed to say,
"I stayed with a friend. She was trying to help me to understand my problems, and helping me to sort out what I should do."
"…She?"
"Yes. She."
"…I should have known."
"Yzak, it isn't like that. She's my friend. That's all."
"Yeah, and I'll bet you stayed out in Florida for two years with a woman, and nothing happened."
"Of course nothing happened," Dearka answered, sounding honest,
"Trust me, I don't think I'm her type."
"Oh, that's really reassuring."
"Yzak. She's a lesbian. I'm pretty sure nothing happened between she and I, considering…"
"……"
"I went to her to get away from everything…But I couldn't actually get away. You can't get away from thinking. But I suppose that sounds stupid. Because why would I want to do that?" The blonde sighed,
"I told her I wanted to come and stay with her for a while. She agreed. When I was there, I told her about my problems. She provided answers that I already knew. I just needed a third party to confirm it. I thought, maybe, if I stayed away long enough, what I was thinking would just go away. Of course, this didn't happen, and it only made things harder to bear."
"…"
"I wanted to come home, so badly. It was hard to be away from…From everyone."
"So why didn't you just come home?"
"…Because I was scared."
Yzak lifted his head a little, peeking out at the blonde. Dearka glanced at him, and smiled a little, before he sighed, looking away,
"Well…I knew I'd have to come home to you…And tell you the truth…And that…"
"…"
"…Still, to this very minute, is scaring the shit out of me."
"…I scare you?"
"A little," Dearka admitted,
"But not for the reasons you seem to be considering."
Yzak was confused. And it showed. The blonde got up off of the edge of his friends bed. He took the flashlight with him, as he made his way to the journal, which he picked up. When he'd set the light back up on the table, he sat back down, with the book in his lap.
"This," he traced his fingers over it,
"Kind of re-encourages me. Makes me think that maybe I should be a little braver when it comes down to telling the truth."
The silver haired male stared at the book. His journal. His place for his most private thoughts…
"You read some of that?"
"A little bit."
"…"
"You threw it across the room…Because you were angry with me," the blonde paused, reaching into one of his pockets,
"And I suppose…That's also why you threw this," he unfolded the picture, and held it up. Yzak looked away, not wanting the reminder. Dearka opened the journal to the first page, and tucked the picture inside. He then put the book on the floor - gently.
"Why didn't you ever tell me…About these feelings that are written down on paper?"
"………Because it's scary to try to say it aloud…" Yzak mumbled.
"Well then…I guess you understand why I was so terrified."
The male lifted his head,
"…Wha--?"
His question was cut off by a pair of lips. He wasn't sure when Dearka had moved. He didn't expect to be kissed - of all things. But the tan male had decided that this was the only way left to answer his friends questions. When the blonde pulled away, his eyes were full of all sorts of emotions,
"You're allowed to be as mad as you want. But at least this way, you have answers." He looked away for a few moments, and when he looked back - surprise took over his face.
There were tears rolling down Yzak's cheeks.
"Yzak?" The blonde pulled the male into a hug. At first the silver haired male just rested against his friend, a hand on the males chest. But that hand turned into a fist. Which he began to pound against the males chest - hard.
"DEARKA! You stupid, fucking moron!"
"…Yzak…"
"You left me here for two years! Two goddamn years! You bastard! I should kick your ass!" He kept hitting him, his cries were so broken…
"I should…! I-…I should…I should hate you so much for what you did…You asshole…" His fist stopped moving, and it smoothed out, so that his hand was on the males chest. He clutched his shirt in his hand.
Dearka sighed, and held the male tighter,
"I deserved that."
"I know you did," Yzak mumbled.
--
Dearka ensured that the male was still fast asleep. When he was positive, he detached himself from the males hold, and headed out of the room. Their friends would want to know that everything was okay. He slipped up the stairs, and wandered into the living room. Eager eyes met his gaze, and he smiled, sighing.
"He's fine. I told him."
"You are never allowed to leave him alone again," Athrun breathed, relief evident in his voice.
"I'll keep that in mind," Dearka chuckled.
"Lacus, you can go to bed now," Kira told her gently,
"Everything is alright."
She nodded, looking tired. The brunette lead her away, looking rather exhausted himself. Cagalli leaned against Athrun, and the male wrapped an arm around her waist. The male turned his attention to his friend,
"Is he sleeping?"
"Yeah. He wore himself out. He was exhausted."
"I feel bad for him…There wasn't anything we could do to help…"
"It wasn't up to you guys," Dearka spoke, sitting down,
"He knew what he wanted, and it terrified the hell out of him. If I had known sooner, I probably wouldn't have left," a pause,
"But I couldn't really expect him to come out and tell me. I was scared to do that myself."
No one noticed where Cagalli was looking.
'Come on,' she thought - hopeful,
'Come out from your hiding place…'
The male watched her eyes, and saw her message. But he was nervous. He knew the blonde was in the other room, but he'd woken up to find him gone. And that had scared him.
"Cagalli? What is it?" Dearka was watching her.
"I'm trying to will him out with my eyes," she answered, not looking away from the male who was still hidden.
"…What?" Dearka was confused. He stood himself back up, and walked towards the hallway.
"Yzak?"
The male was looking rather nervous, and embarrassed.
"What's the matter?" The blonde reached out, pulling the male into an embrace. He held him as close as he could manage to, without hurting him. His cheek rested against the top of the males head. Yzak's cheeks were on fire. The blonde understood the silence after a moment, and moved his head away. He pressed his lips to his friends forehead, before murmuring,
"Sorry…I guess I should have known better than to leave you alone downstairs like that. It'll be a long time before you trust me again, I know that. But I thought the others should know everything was alright again."
Yzak nodded, not looking to their friends, who were watching the two.
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They were back downstairs. Dearka was standing in front of him, and the silver haired male was standing with his back to his bedroom door - which was locked. The blonde before him had his arms on either side of the male - like a cage.
"You know how I feel now," the blonde murmured,
"But I'll say it anyways."
There was a short pause as he seemed to pull himself together,
"I love you," his voice whispered. Yzak's heart hammered against his chest, pounding viciously. He barely managed to choke out that he loved the blonde as well. He worried that his stuttering would be taken as an insecurity.
But when Dearka found his lips in the darkness, Yzak knew things would be alright.
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(A.N: Woo, finally done! I know I hadn't updated this is AGES, but that's because I pretty much NEVER use this account anymore - Sweatdrop- I will try to update the rest of these if I can find the inspiration…And time…Uhm…If you guys want my new work…My page is .net/~youcanthearmescreaming I hope that link turns up…If it doesn't, I'll direct you to the page another way. )