Chapter Eleven – The Past

Seto's POV

I lie in my bed, awake, almost scared to go back to sleep. I don't want to dream again…. But more than that, I don't want to risk hurting Yami. Like I almost did. I'm sure I hit him – that must be what woke him up. I don't want to risk it again.

His arms feel so warm and safe around me, and I love the feeling of them there, like this is exactly how we belong… but I know as soon as I sleep I'll forget that, and Yami's arm's will become Gozaburo's, and they won't be safe and comforting but hard and hurtful. I don't want that to happen… it's better just to lie here and feel safe than to go to sleep and maybe hurt the one person that makes me feel that way…

It's morning before I know it. Yami stirs… I don't want him to wake up. Because once he does, he'll ask… and I don't want to tell him. I don't know if I can tell him… But I as much as said I would, and I have to keep my word. When it becomes obvious that he really is waking up, I do the only thing I can do – I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

He stops moving, and I know he's awake – he's looking at me. I can feel it. Does he know I'm not asleep? Probably. Will he call me on it? Probably not. He understands me. He won't blow my cover… I'm not ready to talk to him yet. Maybe, if I play my cards right, I can avoid seeing him all day. Put this off until tomorrow. That's not really what I want, though. I don't want to have to avoid him. I don't even want to not have to talk about it. I just want it not to be there.

He begins to run his fingers through my hair, and I sigh. He's not going anywhere. He's going to stay put right there until I give up and tell him. I could fight it, but then we'd never get out of bed, because he'd never give up. So I open my eyes to look at him.

"Do you want to tell me now?" he asks, as though I really have a choice.

"No." I rest my head on his shoulder.

"I think I already know," he says. "Was it your stepfather – Gozaburo?"

I hesitate briefly, then nod. "Yes."

"I thought so. Did he beat you?"

"Yes…" I don't know how he knows all this… but at least, I don't have to tell him.

"He tortured you?"

"I… suppose you could say that…"

He falls silent for a moment, and I think he's done. Maybe, he'll think that's all… I won't have to tell him everything…

"Did he rape you, Seto?"

How…? How does he do that? How does he already know everything about me…? I've never told anyone – I've never told Mokuba, even. No one knows that… no one but me, and him…

"Seto? Are you all right?"

I realize that I've frozen since he asked me, and breathe again. Then nod very slightly. "Yes, he did… How did you know?"

"I know you, Seto," he replies simply. "It's the same every time… an evil, or cruel, or sadistic, or simply insane father figure… But it's worse this time. I thought the father figure had to have been worse. I'm sorry, Seto."

I suddenly feel claustrophobic, and sit up, trying to breathe. He tries to put his arms around me, but I push him gently away. It's all right – it's just a panic attack. I get them sometimes. I can deal with it… Remember, Gozaburo's not here… he's gone, vanished… took off… Those insults are just you remembering… the hands are just your imagination… stupid, fucking, overactive imagination…

"Seto, talk to me…"

Stupid whore…

Yami. That's good, focus on Yami. Not Gozaburo. Yami's voice, not Gozaburo's. "Don't – just, give me a moment…" I take a deep breath and shut my eyes. Gozaburo's not here. Yami is. Yami. Yami. Not Gozaburo.

There. The phantom hands fade away, and I open my eyes, taking a deep breath. Yami is staring at me, concerned. He looks like he wants to touch me, but doesn't quite dare…

"What was that, Seto?"

"Nothing." I unclench my hands and force them not to shake.

"You're trembling." He pulls me closer and grabs my hands firmly. It helps. "That was a flashback, wasn't it?"

I shake my head. "Just a panic attack… not that serious." He pulls my head down to rest on his shoulder. "I can deal with them…"

"Just like you've been dealing with them for years, right?"

I nod. Why deny it? He already knows everything. Or almost everything. I can't hide anything from him – why even try? He knows, or he will know. It's actually kind of a… relief. Not to have to hide anything. I hide things even from Mokuba… but Yami already knows all about me, and he still wants me…

"I'm sorry, Seto." He strokes my hair away from my forehead, like I'm a child who needs soothed, comforted. Maybe I am. It feels good.

"For what?" He hasn't done anything to me…

"For what he did. No one should ever touch you like that… you deserve so much better. You deserve to be worshipped."

I only shake my head. Yami's delusional… I've never tried to tell myself that I actually deserved what Gozaburo did to me, but worshipped is probably going a bit far… I think I'd settle, for the moment, for being treated like a human being. And Yami seems willing to do that much, at least… What more could I ask for? I turn around and lean against him. Someone who knows more about me than I know about myself – and he isn't disgusted, or using it against me… in fact, he wants me. What more could I ask for?