Chapter Thirteen – Confrontation
Seto's POV
I look across the stone chamber, toward the figure at the far end…
"Atemu… please, don't…"
Fiery crimson eyes meet my own. Even across all this distance, with the other priests and everyone else who is in attendance, I feel like the only one in the room… He always makes me feel that way. So special. I'm not worthy of him… I've betrayed him, rivaled with him… and all I want to do is be with him.
"Seto… I'm sorry."
"No!" No, sorry isn't good enough! He's killing me and all he can say is 'I'm sorry'… no!
"I have to."
And there's nothing I can do to stop him. Saving the world is more important than our love. More important than me. As it should be. I should feel the same way. I should feel happy that he's saving us all, pleased at his courage and his willingness to sacrifice…
But he's killing me.
My voice is a whisper across the room. "Find me…"
"Seto…"
"Promise me! Promise me you'll find me!"
"I will. I will find you, in the next life, and it will be different."
I bow my head. He will keep his promise… And now, I have to settle with seeing him in the next life… and losing him in this. I can't watch as he gives himself, as he sacrifices himself for the world. I can't watch even after I know he's gone. I can only stand there, my head hanging…
"Seto-nisu?"
"What…?" I look up to find a young priest in front of me… I've never bothered to learn his name. "What did you call me?"
"Well… as Atemu-nisu's cousin… now that he's…"
He had no heir. I am his heir. Next in line for the throne of Khemet… I don't want it, though; I only want him. I can't wait for him…
I ignore the priest and walk to him, drop to my knees beside his body as they all give me a respectful distance. At least the shadows left me a body to mourn… Not enough. Never enough. Nothing that isn't him beside me, his arms wrapped around me, is enough… I can't live here without him. I've never liked my life, but I've endured it… and without him…
I feel the gilded hilt of my dagger as I slowly slide it free of its sheath, between our bodies where the priests won't see. I hesitate with the point against my stomach, but only to stare down into Atemu's beautiful face… He looks like he's in no pain. He looks so peaceful… not dead at all. I know my soul is damned. I have sinned; I have killed, stolen… My soul is doomed to be devoured… but perhaps the gods will have pity on me, on us. On our love, and that promise… Perhaps they will let us be together. I know they will. They won't let Atemu be a liar…
I hiss as the point pierces my skin, but it's really not that bad… Slowly, I drive it home. Sweet pain… that last pain I shall ever feel in this life. After a moment, I remove the blade with a slight wince and set it carefully on the ground beside me, and touch his face. He still feels alive, but I can tell that his body is lifeless, and will begin to cool shortly. Mine along with it now. My fingers accidentally leave a smear of blood along his lips as they trace them… will I ever feel those lips kiss me again? Will I ever see those strong crimson eyes catch mine and hold them captive again? Will I ever hear that rich voice, or feel those surprisingly powerful arms again?
"Seto-nisu?"
I only glance back. I see a thin trail of my blood leaking out, around and snaking off behind me. That must be what caught their attention…
"Seto? Oh, no, you didn't…"
I only look back down, into my love's face. I shall never know him again in this life… but he will find me, as he promised…Strong arms pull me backward, but my eyes never leave him, even as they try in vain to stop the bleeding…
"Atemu…No, don't, Atemu, please, don't leave me…"
Hands… warm hands… someone…
"Seto, love, wake up…"
I stop trying to get away and fall into those hands, clutching at him. "Atemu, please, stay with me…"
"Seto…" Long fingers running through my hair. "It's all right, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. All right?"
I can only hold onto him, trying to breathe. I'm sobbing, and I can't stop the tears. He doesn't make any move to get me off, though, and slowly I can let him go until I'm only leaning against him, breathing deeply. I open my eyes and look into the darkness, but not at him. I can't… I'll cry again…
"Are you all right, Seto?" he asks. I nod against his shoulder. "Did you realize you were speaking Egyptian?"
"I wasn't," I murmur. "I don't speak Egyptian."
"Ancient Egyptian," he says. I only shake my head again. It's not really like it matters, anyway…
"We're still speaking it," he says.
I sit upright and blink. "You're…" I mean to continue and tell him that he's joking with me and I don't appreciate it, but what comes out of my mouth isn't English, or any of the other several languages I speak. I understand it as though I've spent my whole life speaking it, however. "You're serious…"
He nods, but when he speaks again it's in English. I don't think I've ever been so glad to hear such an ugly language. My mind was about to implode… "You dreamed about Egypt, didn't you?" he asks. I nod warily. It was only a dream, though, brought on by all of the insanity, everyone's claims he's the per a'a – no, pharaoh – and all the DuelMonsters and all that reincarnation bullshit… Right?
"I wanted to save you from that one…" he says quietly. "I don't know what happened to you after I died, but you were so heartbroken before…"
"I killed myself." My words sound flat even to my own ears. "I sat beside your body, stabbed myself with my dagger, and waited to bleed to death. In my dream."
He wraps his arms around me. "Seto… I'm so sorry… I had to do it…"
"It was only a dream."
He sighs a bit. "You still don't believe me? After everything you've seen?"
"No. It doesn't make any sense. I'm dreaming these things, and you're taking advantage of them. They make me weak, and you can control, me, just like you've always wanted!" I shove him away from me, pulling myself out of his arms. "Just leave me alone! I'm more than pathetic enough without you adding to it!"
An expression awfully close to hurt crosses the great Game King's face, but I turn and ignore it, grabbing a robe and covering myself. I have to remember that that's what he is; the King of Games. He's just playing with me. I'm the prize, and the game, and if there are rules he's making them up as he goes along.
How does he know when he's won? When he gets to have sex with me and go tell all his friends what a giant bitch I am? I'm sure they all already know all about my darkest secrets. About the nightmares I have. About how Mokuba is embarrassed by me. About Gozaburo. How could I be so stupid? Why did I even want him living here? Why didn't I figure this out so long ago? Just because he made some stupid promise? I should know better than anyone how well promises are meant to be kept. I have to get him out of here… but I don't want to make him leave. He has his little game-playing talons buried inside me…
"Hem ntjr Seto!"
I spin around. "I am not your fucking priest!"
He watches me coolly. "Then how did you know that meant Priest?"
Oh…How…? "I don't know, I picked it up somewhere."
"Where are you going to pick up Ancient Egyptian? Really, Seto, I'm curious."
I just glare at him and turn around again. The sound of the door slamming shut behind me is so… final.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let him get so close to me? I don't know what his game is, what his rules are, but I won't play any longer. He's gone… He is so fucking gone, out of this house…
I lean against the wall in my office, supporting my head on my hands. How did I get myself into this? A controlling little bastard is living in my house… sleeping in my bed… And I've told him so many things I've never told anyone, I'd never planned to tell anyone… How did he do this to me? He has to have done it. There's no way I would do this myself… How did he do this to me?
The door opens slowly. "Seto?"
"Go away!" I shove the door shut again and lean against it.
"Seto, you're acting childish!" He pushes against the door, but I'm bigger and stronger than he is, and it stays shut. "You're not going to stay in your room and pout, are you?"
"Leave me the hell alone! I don't even want to see you, let alone sleep in the same bed as you!" Still… still I can't tell him to get out. I never even want to see him again, and I can't get those words out… I want to yell at him to get out of my life, but the best I can say is for him to get out of my room…
"Seto, what you're thinking, it isn't so."
"Fuck off."
"I'm not trying to control you or use you – I love you."
"You're playing your fucking mind games with me – I don't appreciate it. I'm not playing anymore. You can just leave – I don't feel like being a game, or a damned prize, or whatever the hell else I am to you."
"Seto, you aren't a game. I'm not playing a game with you. I love you… Please don't think this way about me…"
His voice actually sounds hurt… But no, I'm not about to believe that. He's never lost a game in his life, and you can't do that without bluffing. He's playing me, right now. I don't know what he wants, but he's doing everything in his power to fool me…
He shoves again on the door, pushing me forward. I stumble, manage to turn as I fall so that I don't land on my face, but still sprawl out on the floor. I look up at him as I turn over; he's standing in the doorway, glaring at me; incredibly, a spike of fear courses through me, until I crush it. I have no reason to be afraid of him.
He sighs and crouches beside me. "Seto… I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not playing with you. I'm not going to abandon you… I love you. Why can't you believe me?"
I meet his eyes steadily, still on the floor. "You're the king of games."
"King of-" He looks at me. "Is that what this is about? You can't trust me because I'm good at playing games? You really think I'm just doing this for… Why? Why would I ever do this to you, Seto?"
"I don't know… but you have to be playing."
"Why?" His eyes bore into mine… they look like blood. Why? Why are his bloody eyes faking this concern? "You think I have to be lying because no one could ever love you?"
Why would he say something like that? "Mokuba loves me."
"Mokuba loves you because he's your brother. Because of everything you've done for him. He loves you because he idolizes you. He doesn't love you because of who you are."
"And you do?!" I shove him away and manage to stand up without looking at him. "Fine, since you brought it up, yes, you're right. You have to be playing, because I don't think you or anyone else can actually love this fucked up mess, all right? Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"It's what I wanted you to say…" He steps nearer, but I bat his hand away and step back. I have no inclination to ever be touched by him again. That bastard – he just admitted it. He's trying to grind down my self-esteem to make me think that he actually does care about me… News flash: it wouldn't just be enough to tell me that no one could love me; I already know that.
"Seto, please… let me help…"
Help? Help? He wants to help me? "GET OUT!"
Instead, he grabs my pajama shirt and pulls me closer, harshly pulling me down to kiss me. I'm too surprised to resist while I still can, then I'm completely at his mercy. The wall is firmly at my back, and I'm pressed against it, and he's holding me immobile… it's enough to begin to bring out my claustrophobia. I can't move… trapped…
He lets me go and I fall back against the wall. Not for long, because he pulls me close to himself, running his fingers through my hair.
"I wanted to hear you say it, Seto," he says. "Because I knew you thought it… I wanted to start proving you were wrong."
The words that come from my lips surprise me. "How do you plan on doing that?"
He kisses my forehead again. "By proving that I love you." With another gentle kiss, he pulls me away from the wall and back toward my own bed.
"How do you plan on doing that?" I hear myself ask.
He only kisses me as he lays me down.
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per a'a – that was the original word for 'pharaoh', which is a Greek bastardization of it. I'm no expert, and I've forgotten what it actually means, or I would tell you. –Nisu, though, is how they addressed the king.