Chapter Three

A light drizzle of rain coated Seattle in an almost fog like mist as Meredith Grey-Shepherd made a mad dash from her muddy white Volkswagen Jetta to the frosted glass door of the little tea room she had agreed to meet Izzie at for lunch. It had become a weekly ritual of their's, meeting for lunch and useless small talk. Today's talk wouldn't be mindless chatter. No, today Meredith was going to unleash all the disappointments her marriage had heaped upon her, the magic she had felt when Mark had almost kissed her, and how the idea of acting on that magic was feeling like the right thing to do.

She shivered slightly as her fingers curled around the antique gold colored door knob. She couldn't really place an exact reason on why she was so nervous about this particular lunch. This was normal, it should have been comforting. Yet, as she opened the door and stepped inside the quaint little tea room, Meredith knew this lunch was going to be one of the hardest things she had ever done.

It wasn't anything against Izzie that she had never shared something so personal before. Izzie was sweet, she was a good friend; she just wasn't Cristina. This wasn't something she could talk about with her person though, and that meant taking the scary step of letting Izzie further into life.

Meredith stood just inside the entrance for a moment longer, gathering her thoughts, before letting her gaze seek out Izzie. She found the other woman sitting toward the back, her head bent over a tiny, intricate looking menu. Smiling faintly, she made her way over to the table, her heart pounding harder and harder with each step she took. She couldn't believe she was about to admit that she was contemplating an affair, and with a friend's husband no less.

"Hey," Meredith said softly, pulling out the chair across from Izzie. Izzie looked up, her dark eyes brightening when she seen that Meredith had arrived. There was a glow about her today that Meredith had never seen before. Dread filled her, as she had a fairly good idea what had caused the glow.

"I'm pregnant," Izzie blurted out, confirming what Meredith had already known. It wasn't too much of a shock really, she had known Alex and Izzie were trying. Of course, it had only been two months ago that Izzie announced they were going to start trying to have a baby, and it seemed rather astonishing that they had been able to accomplish it rather quickly. "I'm going to be a mother, Mer. Can you believe it?"

"Congratulations," she said. There wasn't another woman alive that she could see filling the role of mother better than Izzie. Her friend was more than capable and willing to bring another person into the world. "How does Alex feel about it?" The question came before she could stop it. She already knew how Alex felt about becoming a father. It was a conversation they had had when Izzie announced she wanted to have a baby. He was afraid of fucking up, but loved Izzie enough to give her what she wanted. Hearing him say he was unsure but was going to go for it because he loved Izzie that much had felt like a bucket of ice pouring over her hot flesh. Why couldn't she do that for Derek? Why couldn't she love him enough to put her own reservations aside for his wants and needs?

"You know, he was a bit scared at first, when we talked about it. I told him we didn't have to, that I was fine with it being just us. I even offered to start taking my birth control again," Izzie laughed, toying with the edge of her menu. "He said no, that his fears were pretty much like any other guys. He was just scared of messing up." She paused when a waiter arrived, asking if they were ready to order. She politely told him they would need more time and then turned back to Meredith. "You should see him, Meredith. I think he's more excited about this baby than I am. He's already wanting to know the sex so we can pick out a name and start decorating the nursery."

A lump formed in Meredith's throat. She was happy for them, really she was. At the same time she hated them. They had her happy ending, the one she was suppose to of had with Derek. She was trying not to begrudge them that, and most days she succeeded. Today was not one of those days, and she needed Izzie to not talk about her perfect life that was being made more perfect by the new addition they were adding. "I almost kissed Mark," Meredith said in a desperate need to change the subject.

"What?" Izzie stared at her, shock paling her pretty features. A small amount of satisfaction coursed through Meredith. Finally she had some one's full attention. Granted, Izzie wasn't the person whose attention she wanted, but she would do for now. "Meredith, are you crazy?"

"No. I'm just tired of pretending that everything in my life is okay when it's not." The lump in her throat made it almost impossible to talk. She tried to swallow it, but it seemed fully in place. "Derek is never home. He's always working or having to do something that is work related. It's like I don't exist anymore."

"Have you tried talking to him?" Izzie asked, again turning to tell the waiter they were not ready. This time she included that they would let him know when they were ready.

Meredith laughed. Talking to Derek was like talking to a brick wall; she got no response and he didn't move an inch. "Unless the topic is one he wants to talk about, he brushes me off. Do you know what that is like, Izzie? Having your husband treat you like your some unimportant nobody? No. Of course not. Because Alex is Alex and he loves you."

Izzie's features softened. She reached across the table to take a hold of Meredith's hands. "Derek love's you, Meredith."

"Does he? Lately I don't know." Meredith clung to Izzie's hands, needing the physical contact. It offered her an odd form of strength. "He lied to me, Iz. He lied to me about where he was last night. I checked, and he wasn't at the hospital. Nobody seen him and there isn't any patients under the name he gave me. None. He lied."

"Do…do you think he's cheating?" Izzie asked in a whisper, horror filling her large, dark eyes.

"I don't know. Maybe." Meredith gulped, wondering why she wasn't crying. Izzie looked on the verge of tears and she couldn't even muster one tiny droplet. What was wrong with her? "At this point, I'm not sure I care. I think I would look at it as some sort of relief. At least then I would know what was going on in his life."

"You don't mean that, Meredith. If you found out Derek was cheating it would kill you," Izzie insisted. Meredith shook her head. Izzie was wrong. It wouldn't kill her, it have back in the beginning, now she just wanted to live life without walking on pins and needles, always wondering where she stood. "Are…are you going to, you know, do something with Mark? I mean, other than almost kissing."

The time for truth had come. Meredith took a deep breath, prepared herself to admit that she fully planned on letting Mark do more than kiss her, if the opportunity presented itself. She wouldn't seek him out, she wouldn't press her advances on him, but nor would she turn him away, either. She knew enough about his marriage to know he lived the same existence that she did; a lonely one.

"Meredith!"

Her admission died on her lips when she heard the first Mrs. Shepherd call out her name. She braced herself for the unexpected, as that was what she had come to expect from Addison. "Addison," she greeted cautiously. It took every ounce of will power to not demand to know why Addison was in Seattle.

"I seen you and just had to extend my thanks again in person," Addison gushed, a healthy glow that was too similar to Izzie's to be comfortable staining her cheeks. "You really have no idea how much it means to me that you were willing to share Derek the way you have."

Izzie's foot hit Meredith's under the table. She knew what her friend was thinking, that Derek was having an affair with Addison. She wasn't quite sure, after all why would Addison approach her and say thank you if that was the case. It didn't make sense. None of it made much sense. "You're welcome?"

Addison pulled a chair up from a nearby empty table and situated herself between Izzie and Meredith. "I want you to know that you and Derek are both going to be a part of this baby's life."

Baby? Meredith could feel the blood draining from her face. She wasn't hearing things correctly, she couldn't be. "I'm sorry, but why would Derek and Meredith want to be a part of your baby's life?" Izzie asked, as though she could sense Meredith's confusion and need for clarification.

"Well, I guess now that it's a done deal there's no reason to keep it secret, eh?" Addison elbowed Meredith. Meredith forced a tight lipped smile. "I got tired of waiting for the right man to come along, and decided I was going to take matters in my own hands. I wanted a baby, without the hassles of a man. I thought about going with a sperm bank but it seemed to random and cold, and really how would I explain that to a child when they got older? So, I asked Derek."

"You asked your ex-husband…your married ex-husband…to father your child?" Izzie yelled, her mouth remaining open. Meredith fought to keep herself from falling out of her chair. Her fingers gripped the edge of the table, and she told herself to breath. She just had to keep breathing.

"I figured he would say no," Addison said in a wounded voice. "I didn't know he would say yes, or that Meredith would agree."

"Except she didn't agree," Izzie snapped, standing up. She threw down her menu and glowered at Addison. "Look at her, does she look like she agreed to let her husband father your child?"

Addison paled, looking toward Meredith. "He didn't ask you did he?" Meredith shook her head, a foul taste filling her mouth. "Oh God. He told me he asked, that you were fine with it."

"Clearly, he lied," Izzie hissed, walking around to where Meredith still sat. She placed a hand on Meredith's shoulder. "Meredith, let's go."

Meredith sat there, not really hearing what was going on around her. She knew Izzie was urging her to get up, to leave. She knew Addison was apologizing, crying because she thought Meredith was on board. She couldn't really fathom it all, though. She was lost in her own thoughts. In an instant, a settling feeling came over her. She knew what she was going to do, how she was going to handle this. Derek wanted to make a mockery of their marriage, he wanted to keep things from her, well she could do the same.

I knew this time I had finally found
Someone to build my life around
Be a lover and a friend
After all my heart had put me through
I knew that it was safe with you
And what we had would never end
Wrong again

Martina McBride-Wrong Again