Chapter eight
Responsibilities
"Renesmee," Edward reminded me when it grew light. What time was it? I didn't care. I kissed him so he couldn't say anything else. I could see him trying to push me away, but he didn't want to let go any more than I did. I was glad that was the case, even if it was irresponsible.
The sun was shining today, light pouring in through the windows.
"I would say sorry, but I don't think I can." I admitted, letting him go.
"Don't blame yourself. I wouldn't have let go anyway." He smiled at me, and then sat up. He sighed. "I wonder how much trouble we are going to be in when we get back." He said, grinning.
"Not much. They all love babysitting Renesmee." I said, tracing his face lightly with my fingers.
"That won't be the point." He whispered, sitting me up with him. "It's irresponsible to leave Nessie like that. You know that. And it's not fair on them to stop doing what they want because of our daughter." He added, getting dressed. I sighed, hopping up, to choose a suitable outfit for the day.
"I know you're right. Somehow, I don't think I will stop being bad anytime soon." I smiled at him, and he chuckled. The sound make my eyes sparkle.
He was grinning at me. When I got relaxed, or was concentrating on happy things, it was so easy to let my shield fly away I didn't notice. When I was nervous, angry, tense, my shield snapped into place, and would be impossible to budge. I sighed.
"I honestly don't know why I was worried about Anne. I was probably trying to distract myself." I frowned slightly.
"Distract yourself from what?" His face locked into a picture of concern immediately, and he took my hand.
"I can't remember, probably an over-reaction to something." I grinned, trying to pass it off. His expression didn't change.
"Hmm," Was all he murmured in response as I skipped over to him, smiling.
"Decent?" I asked him, inspecting him as he looked at me. He looked so gorgeous, wearing dark jeans and a white shirt, the buttons left undone.
"You're always beautiful." He said, kissing me. I pulled back.
"Must I always be the responsible one?" I imitated him, grinning.
"No, let me be the one in charge of responsibility for a few minutes...or hours." He replied, laughing. We both sighed after a while.
"Nessie...?" I asked him.
"Nessie," He said, carrying me out of the house.
"It really was no bother at all. She just told us to strangle you both," Jasper said, grinning. "Blame Edward, I'm sure he won't mind."
"Did you finally destroy the cottage?" Emmett roared with laughter. I glared at him. Edward held my waist tightly, and turned to look at Rosalie who was standing beside Emmett.
"You do realise, only a few years ago, you lost our bet to –" I started to growl.
"Where is she?" He asked his velvet voice strained with fighting to stay quiet. I looked at Jasper, and he chuckled as a mask of calm spread over us.
"Over here." She said softly. She stared at Nessie with a wistful expression on her face. She was curled up on a settee, sleeping silently. We all stared at her beautiful face, so peaceful when she was sleeping.
"Is she dreaming?" I asked in my singing voice, light and quiet. I was scared to touch her, afraid to wake her peaceful sleeping.
"When she wakes up we need to be prepared for her wrath." He whispered, chuckling gently.
"Really...?" Rosalie smiled, probably imagining it herself.
"Yes. It wouldn't take much for her to take us down." He said, smiling at me. I felt sudden warmth in my dead heart, like I was whole. It was like that whenever he said us, we, our, etc. I didn't believe he wanted me like he said he did, but I wanted him too much to care. At least I was beautiful, strong, and nearly as perfect as him. Even his perfection was perfect. I lifted Renesmee into my arms and said some more thankyous to everyone. She was so peaceful when she dreamed; her thoughts flowed out to anyone close, like mine flowed out to Edward when I relaxed. I ignored Emmett as he said some joke on our way out. We ran back home, and I carefully laid her down onto her magnificent white bed. We left her to dream, and sat down on the sofa, snuggled against each other. We stayed silent, and I let his sweet breath blow against my face, inhaling its gorgeous scent. Something was on his mind, and I knew it.
The next morning, when Renesmee woke up, she forgot about scolding us. She knew something was on Edward's mind, too. When she asked him, he said it was nothing. All day I sat with Edward, not moving from his side. Every few minutes or so he would pull me closer, and kiss me – either on my neck or lips, then let me go, and I was as unwilling to let go as he was. The next day, he didn't let me go – everywhere I was in his arms, and I didn't argue. I knew he was bracing himself, framing it in his mind of how to tell me what he was concerned about. When we settled down for the night, Nessie in her bed, I wasn't in a hurry for anything. It was silent in the house, just listening to Renesmee breathing while she slept. I didn't want to force him to tell me anything, so I waited for him to speak. A couple of hours passed. A million questions came up, and a million times they flowed to my lips, but I bit them back. I had to let Edward do this his way. Finally his cell phone rang, and he had to break our embrace, reaching for it in his pocket.
"Yes Alice?" He asked; his voice was a little quieter and hoarse from staying silent for so long – or so I thought that was the reason. I heard a bubble of urgency from the other line. Edward frowned; I wrapped my arms around him, getting worried. Could it be the Volturi; Had Jake gone back to take revenge on Anne? I ignored the voice on the other line. I wanted Edward to explain this to me, so I deliberately took nothing in when I heard what she said.
"Yes. No, I will pass it on, whatever it is." He sounded strained, like it took all of his effort to speak. I hugged him tighter. What was wrong?
"No. What's wrong?" He was only responding to Alice's tone of voice – it couldn't be that bad, she was probably overreacting about something. I relaxed a little, letting the thought comfort me. It didn't last long.
"No, Alice. Stay there." He whispered, and his voice broke.
He switched his phone off, and put his head in his hands, running one of his hands through his beautiful hair. He stopped breathing, just staring at the floor. I traced his hand with my fingers, but he withdrew it, his hands now clasped together between his legs, leaning down to the floor, head down. I waited for him to speak again. He didn't, so I finally had to ask him. I held his hand, my insides screaming in agony as I looked into his pained eyes. He held my hand very tightly, but it wasn't even uncomfortable. The pain in my chest would have covered any other pain in the world.
"Edward?" I whispered softly, my voice almost broken like his.
"Yes love?" He whispered back, not looking away from my eyes.
"What did Alice say?" I asked, looking away. He hugged me, pulling me closer to him. I didn't know if that was a good or bad sign. He kissed me, tension burning in his lips. Then he looked at me, and whispered very quietly.
"She wanted me to pass the phone over to you...but we have no secrets. She argued for a while, and then decided to tell me. She wanted to warn you..." He was losing it. I held him tightly, kissing him, trying to soothe his fear, his tension.
"Whatever it is, I can handle it. You promised you wouldn't keep anything from me." I whispered, and somehow he tensed even more. His whole body was rock, but somehow still soft and warm. I waited for his answer in silence; it was torturing.
"Bella love...its Anne. Alice saw me being led away, going with her, standing by her...lov- away from you," He paused, and I knew the word he had stopping himself from saying was love. Could he have meant loving her? I looked into his agonised eyes again, and I knew he was telling the truth. "I'm petrified of myself, Bella – petrified of the future." How could this have happened? I felt mild fury at Anne, but I couldn't keep it up. I felt numb, knowing the fact that he might be leaving me again. I hoped that Alice was wrong, or that Anne would change her mind. I remembered the long six months we had spent apart when I was human. I felt the pain, the agony started to burn back in my chest. It was soldered into my mind for the length of my existence. I wrapped my arms around myself, a reflex action. I could barely breathe properly when we hunted away from each other so that one of us could look after Renesmee, the thought of him standing by Anne, away from me, sent shivers down my spine. He squeezed my arms, concerned. I couldn't stop shivering, thinking about the painful memories.
"I'm sorry." He whispered in my ear, and he kissed me. This kiss made me shiver two times worse; it was full of guilt, misery and torture. He was blaming himself, yet he continued to kiss me. Shivers violently shook me, it was like I was sobbing, yet I wasn't. He stopped, looking at me. His eyes were full of concern, pain and anxiety. I felt burns wherever he had kissed me, and my breath came in gasps. He didn't stop. My face, my neck and my lips burned like fire. It was like the painful three day transformation, but worse, somehow. I was shivering violently.
"Bella, are you alright...Bella love?" Pain was thick in his voice, too. I ripped myself from him, and sat on our huge white bed. I became rock. I knew I was overreacting. Edward didn't think so. He followed me, and he looked even worse now I had run away from him. "I'll find some way around this. I won't let myself hurt you. I can't bear this." He sat carefully beside me, and took one of my hands. I kept it in place, not letting him break it free from my chest.
"I'm sorry," He whispered again in my ear. "I love you. No matter what happens; I love you." He reminded me, and then I heard him walk into Nessie's room. I heard him sit down slowly; then he wrapped his arms around his graceful legs and fell down to the floor. My breathing stopped altogether; I had hurt him. Human memories filled my mind, and I held myself tighter. The last time he kissed my forehead before he left me, his frozen eyes. The way I had fell down and laid there for hours, and Charlie had carried me home. I panicked. Charlie! What would I tell him when he came over to see Renesmee, and he found me single-handedly looking after her, as depressed as I was the last time he left me? The shivers came back at the thought. Edward caught his breath as he heard my squeak of panic; What if he took Nessie, too? I thought about all the possibilities while Edward lay in the other room, listening for me, no doubt using all his effort not to run to me. Tremors shook me violently as I remembered the way he had kissed me when I froze, the way he looked at me when it all sunk in. I knew it was early, and that Anne could change her mind, but Alice would have called if anything had changed. I wondered what the Cullen family would think of me if Edward left me forever – I shook again – would they still care for me, or was it all for Edward's sake? Even if Alice was like a sister to me, was that all a show, too? It was growing light outside, and it changed my mood abruptly. I remembered last time he had left me; a shock, so painful and quick. The after-effects last forever, burned into my mind. This time, I had a warning, time to prepare myself, time to make the best of what I had while I had it. Why had I wasted long hours worrying about what would happen, when it did? I sat up, and realised I had kept my arms wound around me all night. My arms weren't stiff or cramped, they were locked in place. It took all of my will power to unlock them slowly, relaxing my muscles one by one. I was sure Edward heard me, and his breathing sped. I decided to do everything sensibly; I got changed, brushed my shiny hair, calmed myself with deep breaths and mopped my face up the best I could. Then I ran into the other room softly, placing every step carefully. It was exactly how I had heard it last night; He was lying on the floor, his pale face now pure white and his arms were wrapped around his legs, locked into place like my arms were. Renesmee was growing restless, a sign that she was waking up. I stared at Edward for a long time, and finally he stood up and held me in his arms all in one second. I hugged him fiercely; there were no words to speak. I buried my face in his chest, inhaling his sweet scent. I had been away from him so long; it felt like years. If leaving him in a room not a mile away from I was so hard, what it was going to be like when – I was going to have to shut the doors on my misery. I had to make the most of what time I had left with him. I could feel he was still blaming himself by the way he tensed when I kissed him, and it almost made me scream. It was complete and utter agony seeing him like this. I would have taken one hundred days of merciless pain rather than see him like this...taken it and been immensely grateful. He turned away; Renesmee had woken up. We carried her to Esme – we both knew she would take care of her while we tried to understand all of this. I found myself gasping as I took her into my arms. How long did I have with her? Edward held my hand, and I was scared of how much time I had with him, too. I was torn. I carried her all the way to Esme, not taking one breath. I'm not sure how much control I had over any part of me, but I didn't want to take any risks. I had to be sensible; I still had responsibilities. I took a deep breath automatically to steady myself before walking into the house; my lungs didn't even slightly warm up with thirst. It felt dry – not the thirsty way, the vampire way. It felt dry with nerves, with unshed tears, the human way. Edward probably sensed it when I suddenly tensed; his hand squeezed mine. I took deep breaths, calming myself. This was it; I would take Renesmee to Esme, and leave her. That was the best care I could give her. I leaned down and kissed her forehead.
"I love you." I whispered to her. Edward cringed. "I love you too, momma."