The Suicide Reason-Sam's Final Epiphany
Slowly trudging along crowded city sidewalks
..i don't want to be on my own
Aimlessly and alone I walk
..i have no where to go
Every time I turn around little reminders of you haunt me
-a brown leather jacket, a cold bottle of beer
I can't escape them
..how can a diner window make me want to scream
There are so many people hurrying about
But no one sees
None does see the true me
..freak!!
I don't recognize a face
Not a single expression is familiar to my own
..callous vacant afraid angry heart broken
Not one has seen what I have
Experienced that level of fear
..bloody torn flesh weaved through sharp fangs and claws
..dean!!..no!!..dean!!! *sobs* no
I wish
i wish
Wish I could slip beneath the waves and watch as the silver moonlight skips and plays her last pale song of death for me
I wish
I wish
Want to feel the cold water surround me
Drench my hair
Envelop my skin
Clothes become a welcomed weight
..take me away
Wash away the lingering filth of too many long hard years
So many things done wrong
..soul inundated with the stench of a thousand mortal sins
Hardened now
Yet all I can feel is pain
Pounding pounding pounding
The incessant thrum of my own heart making me deaf
..make it stop!!
Like foreign drums on a distant wind calling me but I don't know where to go
..i'm lost
Getting worse every day
Memories and images swirl and eddy in my head making me dizzy
Like hard candy mixed with rancid paint acidic bile rises leaving me ill
..but there's no one left to care
Each memory so vivid
Intense
Painful
Too fucking real
I can't escape
..my brother more frightened than he's ever been before
..watching as tears no longer flowed freely down your blood-soaked cheek
..your last desperate gasp for air
..the sound of you drowning in your own blood
To have foreseen circumstances and consequences unknown to me would have been a godsend
I would have spent my last year with you differently
..oh god i'm so sorry
Only I can help myself now
You're not here to do it for me
My protector
My friend
My brother
Don't worry Dean
I know you miss me
Know you need me as much as I you
I just can't make it on my own
Don't want to be alone
I'm sure you'll kick my ass when I get to the pit for what I did but it'll be worth it
I'll be by your side again
..right where i belong
Don't worry brother
...i'll be joining you soon