Chapter 1

For a moment, everything had seemed good again. Not the hesitant sort of good that one felt nowadays – afraid to tell a joke, afraid to crack a smile – but the free and easy sort good that James had felt as a fifteen-year-old who had been given everything and never known loss. They had been at an Order meeting – that most sober of events – when someone had, quite loudly, passed gas.

He and Sirius were no longer the cutups that they once were at Hogwarts. Besides, Order business was deadly serious; not like school. But what class prankster, even a grown one, could resist such temptation? It hadn't taken much – such an event was funny enough by itself. Sirius had simply waved his hand in front of his face and said; "Good God, James, what did you have for lunch?"

There was the old elation – the round of suppressed giggles from half the room and the disapproving stares from the other half. James was never sure which he liked best, though he suspected that Sirius enjoyed the disapproval most. James quickly jumped in with a line about his wife's cooking and Sirius replied and soon they had a back and forth going. Dumbledore had given an indulgent, if somewhat strained half smile, but there were murmurs from some of the others.

"Really, you'd guess that they'd want a few laughs after everything we've all been through," James said to Sirius as they walked down the street to James' flat.

James said it in the lofty, joking sort of voice that he and Sirius used to talk to one another in for hours, but Sirius answered him gravely. "They do. Well, except one or two idiots with no sense of humor. They just don't know that they do." His friend wrapped his arms around himself as if to keep out the cold, though he was wearing a coat.

James looked over at Sirius, now pale, now unsmiling. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"They put us on different missions, James."

"So?" James' brow wrinkled. "It isn't the first time. Not that I don't love working with you mate, but we've got to be apart some time."

"But I think that they did it because of what happened in there. Because they think that we are too immature to work together."

"They did?" James hadn't caught this. "But have they forgotten that muggle shop that you and I helped save? We were the first on the scene. Or about when Lily and I faced Voldemort?"

Sirius flinched almost imperceptibly at the name, but then gave an ironic smile. "Don't you know that all that pales in the face of a fart joke, Prongs?"

James smiled. "Well, fart jokes are very … what's the word I'm searching for … paint peeling?"

The walked along a bit more, not saying anything. It wasn't dark yet, but there was an chill in the air. "Where is Lily, anyway?" Sirius asked, after a while. "She would have nipped us in the bud. One good elbow to your ribs and – ow!" James had slapped him on the back of the head.

"Lily was feeling sick," he said.

"Again?" Sirius asked. "You're going to have to take the little missus to the doctor, Prongs."

James sighed. "I've tried to get her to go, but she says that she's just feeling a little under the weather."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "That's what my little missus – and by "little missus", I mean my arse of a roommate – said this morning."

James smiled as he pictured the expression on Remus' face if he heard Sirius refer to him as the "little missus". "Is Remus not feeling well?" he asked.

"He's just always a grump so soon after the full moon. But I swear, if he grouses at me one more time to do the dishes --"

"They're not exactly hard to do with magic, Padfoot," James laughed.

"Maybe," Sirius looked reluctant to admit it. "But I'm still not too eager to get back home. Do you want to go down to that place on the corner and have a few drinks?"

James scratched his head. "I don't know, mate. I should really get home to Lily. She's sick and all."

Sirius looked disappointed and James felt the familiar sensation of being torn in two. He always felt as if Sirius and Lily were in competition for his time, for his full attention. It wasn't that they didn't like each other – they had established a wary sort of friendship – but he only had so much free time. And they both seemed to want it all.

But Sirius was standing before him looking like a hurt puppy and Lily, with her beautiful red hair and lovely green eyes wasn't here to impatiently, but subtly, tap her foot at him.

"I guess a few drinks couldn't hurt," James said.

--- -- ---

Lily tried not to fidget as she sat in Dumbledore's study and all the former Headmasters and Headmistresses looked down from their portraits and whispered about her. When she had come here in her days as Head Girl, they had been entirely more positive. When Dumbledore walked in, he appeared very unsurprised to see her, though she hadn't been invited. She had been here earlier in the year; she knew the password.

"Lily," he said, mildly, and went to sit behind his desk, but he did not offer her a sweet as he would have in the old days. "Won't James be expecting you at home, my dear? The Order meeting is over, you know."

"He always goes out for drinks with Sirius after," she said.

The Headmaster's eyebrows shot up slightly at this and Lily felt defensive. It wasn't as though James was an alcoholic – though she had her doubts about Sirius.

"Have you thought about what I said, sir?" she asked, abrupt. "About Severus?"

Dumbledore sighed and shifted in his seat. "I have and perhaps if times were different – but no – we cannot risk having an avowed Death Eater affiliated with the Order. We have been compromised too many times already."

Lily's heart dropped. She knew what had happened the last time the Order was compromised – two deaths – but she could not bring herself to give up on Severus. The two of them had been connected since childhood, their lives interwoven. Somehow, they always seemed to come back together.

"But think of all he could do for us," she said. "We could have a spy who is truly on the inside of Voldemort's inner circle, loyal to us."

"Yes, but how are we to know that he would truly be loyal to us? Forgive me, Lily, but allegiances do not change so fast. One is not a Death Eater, a muggle-hater," he said the last word with the slightest bit of harshness that made Lily wince, "one day and a loyal Order member the next."

Lily shook her head vehemently. "It wasn't like that," she said. "He regretted it almost from the time he joined – he was still in Hogwarts, you know – but he didn't know how to get out." She looked down at her hands. She couldn't help but blame herself, though it had, of course, been his bad choice. She should have forgiven the insult, "mudblood", even though it was the worst thing that one could say to a person. But he had apologized. Repeatedly. Even now, she could hardly believe that Severus had swallowed his pride enough to keep begging and apologizing.

He didn't have very many other friends back then. That changed after she started shunning him. He had begun doing favors for some bad types.

In front of her, Dumbledore pursed his lips. "Still," he said. "We can't risk it. If Severus wants out, then we can certainly find a safe house for him, but he can't work for the Order. It is out of the question."

Lily bit her lip. Severus would never agree to it – it would put him completely under the power of the Order and give him no leverage to offer them. He was nothing if not suspicious. Besides, it would compromise his pride. Sometimes she thought that Severus would rather risk his life than his pride. "He wants to help, sir," was all she said.

Dumbledore tapped his fingers to his lips and Lily could tell that he was considering it, whatever else he might have said. "I remember that you paid a special attention to Severus during our first years at Hogwarts, Professor," she said. "He hasn't forgot it. Very few adults were kind to him during his childhood."

Dumbledore shook his head, sadly. "Yes, I always had the impression that Severus could be great – but he was in desperate need of guidance. I tried the best I could, but perhaps there was more I could have done. If only he hadn't been sorted into Slytherin – the house is right for some, but Severus always seemed to gravitate to the worst types in it. Or if only he had come to Hogwarts a in a different time, when such a powerful dark wizard wasn't rising to power. A hundred 'if only-s'. But none of them matter. What is, is."

"So you won't help him?" Lily asked. She could hardly stand it.

Dumbledore looked at her intensely. For a moment, the image of the kindly, slightly bemused old man fell away and Lily saw the intelligence and power underneath. She shivered.

Dumbledore gave a sad smile. "I've always considered myself a passable judge of character. Bring Severus to me. Then I'll know."

Lily closed her eyes in relief. Severus was good at hiding his emotions, even when it might benefit him to show them, but she felt sure that Dumbledore would be able to see his true heart.

She hurried home, but when she got there, James was still out. She was somewhat glad. Her relief had turned to a kind of excitement, at success and she knew not what else. Much as she wanted to share all her joys, all her secrets with James, she knew that this was one she could never tell him about. Even if she hadn't made the awful mistake of sleeping with Severus a few months ago, the two had always hated one another. It was only lately that Lily had gained the maturity to see that she was the main reason for it.

Lily dreaded the thought of James ever finding out what had happened between her and Severus. She didn't think that Severus would ever tell – as much as he wanted her, he would be smart enough to know that hurting her, ruining her marriage wasn't the way to her heart.

Lily lay down on the sofa and closed her eyes. She was so often tired these days. Just as she was beginning to drift off to sleep, however, there was a sound at the door. Sirius walked in, James leaning on his shoulder. It wasn't often that James got so drunk that he needed help walking and Lily wanted to be angry with him, but how could she when she had spent most of the day laying about and the rest defending his enemy while he was off attending to Order business.

"Here, put him on the sofa," Lily said to Sirius. "I'll go get a blanket."