Chapter 4

James knew she was pregnant. Lily was fairly certain of this. And yet, they kept tiptoeing around one another. Pretending. Every time Lily said something, James would look up with an expression that was somewhere between hope and fear as if he was wondering if this was it. If this was when she was going to tell him.

Lily did want to tell him, but every time she began, a sense of dread would well up inside of her. After visiting the doctor, Lily had taken out her calendar and counted back the weeks. No matter how many times she counted back, Lily always came to the same conclusion – the baby could be Severus'. Or it could be James'. Lily wasn't sure and it seemed a bit cruel to get James excited about a baby that wasn't really his own.

And what would happen when Severus found out? Lily knew that she'd be able to keep this secret from Severus for longer than she'd kept it from James, but he'd eventually find out that she was having a baby. And he wasn't an idiot – he could count as well as she could. Lily imagined a hundred different scenarios in her head, but quite a few of them seemed to end with James and Severus having a deadly duel in her living room.

It was almost a relief when she received a letter from Dumbledore telling her to come to Hogwarts. She knew that it would probably mean that she had to talk to Severus, which she really didn't feel like doing, but at least it got her away from the house and James' hopeful glances. As she pulled on her socks and shoes, she wondered, absently, whether or not Dumbledore had decided to take Severus as a spy. She hoped so. Their side really needed someone like Sev and she knew him well enough to know that he was sincere.

When she arrived at the Headmaster's office she found that Severus was indeed sitting in one of the chairs across from Dumbledore's desk. Lily took a seat in the other and shot Severus a tentative smile. He crossed his arms and looked away. So he was pouting at her. Wonderful.

"Ah, Lily," Dumbledore said as she seated herself in the other chair. "So glad you could join us. As Severus here has no doubt told you, I decided to take your recommendation and allow him to work for us in the Order."

Lily blinked. "No, sir, he hadn't told me. But I'm glad." She gave Severus a sidelong look, but he continued to ignore her.

"Ah," Dumbledore said and Lily got the feeling that he knew perfectly well that Severus hadn't told her anything.

"Actually, I was wondering why you called me here today, Professor," Lily pressed on.

Dumbledore adjusted his glasses. "Yes. Well, to get right to the point, we want to keep Severus' status as a spy very secret. Too many of our spies have been found out, you see. But he'll need someone to report information to if I am, for some reason, unavailable."

Lily could feel her mouth drop open. "And you think that person should be me? But, surely not, sir. Surely someone higher in the Order, someone older, would be more appropriate." She shot a sidelong glance at Severus who was still studiously ignoring her. She suddenly felt a weariness at the thought of having to deal with him, a reluctance to have him in her life. She felt awful about it after being friends with him for so long, but it was there.

"The fewer people who know about this the better. Wouldn't you agree, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

Severus nodded and sneered. "The Death Eaters have spies as well," he said.

Dumbledore turned back to Lily. "And since you already know about the situation, we don't need to tell any extra people."

"I have my own duties, sir," Lily began, but Dumbledore waved a hand dismissively.

"Oh, this shouldn't take up much extra time," Dumbledore said. "Severus just needs a solid way of contacting you should you be needed."

Lily shrugged, giving up on trying to talk Dumbledore out of anything. "There's always Patronus," she said.

Severus looked up and Lily could have sworn that he blushed. "Patronus isn't a solid way," he said. "I – I'm afraid that I can't produce one reliably." Lily narrowed her eyes. Severus had to be lying. In school, he had always been the type to have all the spells mastered at least a year before the other students. Surely, he would be able to do something that they learned at Hogwarts that had so many uses in a war, like produce a Patronus charm. "Some sort of floo connection seems more the thing," he went on.

Lily panicked. For some reason that she couldn't quite explain to herself, she didn't want Severus to have access to her home. "Unless you plan on telling James as well, then that won't work. I think that James would notice if a Death Eater who also happens to be his childhood nemesis were to show up in his fireplace."

Severus glared at her. Lily had no idea what his problem was.

"Some sort of two way trinket or talisman, then," Dumbledore said in a soothing voice. "Something of the sort can be arranged, I'm sure," he went on.

"Fine," Lily snapped. Dumbledore seemed surprised at her tone. "Can I leave now, sir?" she said, more politely. "I'm afraid that I have to get back to work."

"Of course, my dear," Dumbledore said.

Lily got up and left, but she was only halfway down the empty hallway before she heard Severus following her. "Evans!" he called after her. "Evans!"

She whirled around. He only ever called her Evans when he was angry. "It's Potter now," she said, because she knew this would hurt him the most. "You can call me that, if you want."

Severus blinked and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "I'd rather call you Satan". Out loud he said, "I suppose that you can't stand even five minutes away from your wonderful Potter to stop and talk to me."

Lily looked him over. He looked so ugly when he was like this – his face twisted into a sneer, his teeth grinding together. "There isn't a competition between you, Severus," she said, finally. "You are my friend. James is my husband."

"A friend that you won't even allow in your house?" Severus scoffed.

Lily was growing impatient. "What did you expect, Severus?" she asked. "You're a Death Eater!"

"You know that I'm working against the Dark Lord now!"

She regarded him, quietly. "But that can't erase what's on your arm, can it?" she asked, finally. "You'll always be a Death Eater. You can't take back those experiences, the things that you've done." Unconsciously, her hand flew to her stomach. There had been few times that she'd thought of what was going on inside of her as life, a child. Mostly, she had pushed it to the back of her mind as a nuisance. It made her sick to think that her child may be tainted by Severus' darkness, by the Death Eaters. She wondered if this was how many purebloods felt about having a child with someone like her – a muggleborn. Perhaps Severus, who had certain prejudices whatever else he may say, would abhor the thought of her carrying his child as much as she did.

"No I can't erase it," he spat. "I've never been a perfect golden boy like James Potter, but I --"

It annoyed her that he could make this about James, when it wasn't about James it all – it was about Severus and his failings.

"James is a good man, Severus," she said. "I know that he has given you no reason to think so, but it's the truth."

He crossed his arms and gave her a hard look and a shrug. "Oh, just go have this sickening conversation with him then," Severus snapped. He turned and walked in back the way he came.

"I fully intend to!" Lily yelled childishly at his back.

--- -- ---

When she got home, she was much surprised by the fact that James had made her dinner. And not just any old dinner – salmon was her favorite and James apparently knew it. He had taken out the fine china and the lights were low. He was lighting candles when she came in the door and he waggled his eyebrows at her in a ridiculous fashion. As the exaggerated motion was obviously a joke, Lily laughed, her weariness and ill humor dissipating. That was the thing about James – perhaps the thing that had made her fall in love with him – he could always make her laugh when she was feeling bad.

"James, you romantic, you," she said, grinning at him.

He gave her an extravagant bow and pulled out a chair at the table for her to sit. Rather conspicuously, he filled one of their fancy glasses with water instead of wine and sat it before her. Lily sipped at the water and smiled as James placed her meal before her.

It crossed her mind that Severus would never have done something like this. It wasn't that he was against the idea of cooking like some men, but he would have thought all the little romantic gestures pointless and contrived. He wouldn't have bothered with the candles or her favorite flowers in the vase or any of it.

Lily had been thinking a lot about Severus and James and their differences lately. She was starting to remember how Severus was about children. Anytime she had been out in public with him and there had been a screaming baby around, he was the type of person to roll his eyes and complain to anyone that would listen at the audacity of people who dared to bring their whiny brats where they could torment others. If a small child spoke to him, he would sniff in distaste and draw away as if the child had a contagious disease.

James, on the other hand, was great with kids. He was as charming with them as he was with everyone else and he always seemed to know a great spell for entertaining them. Lily remembered thinking, on several occasions, what a good father he would make someday.

"James, this was so sweet," she said, as she ate her salmon. "Why did you do it?"

James shrugged. "Seems like you've been down lately. Who can blame you, with everything that's going on with the war. I just thought it would be nice to have a normal, old romantic dinner – like we used to have."

"Yes," the short years since their marriage seemed an eternity away to Lily. That was when the Death Eaters were just a vague threat – a hate group that had caused a death here and there. Not the all-encompassing menace that they had grown into.

James had made dessert as well. Lily ate her chocolate cake with relish – she wondered if the pregnancy was making her eat more. James watched her with a satisfied look on his face, but when she looked up and smiled, he laughed.

"What is it?" she asked.

"You have cake all over your teeth," he said. Lily laughed as well as she discreetly ran her tongue over her front teeth. She smiled again.

"All gone," James said. Lily saw that James was looking at her with a hopeful expression; that same hopeful expression that he had been wearing for days. She sighed. He already knew anyway, but Lily supposed that she might as well tell him and save him the agony of wondering.

She put down her fork and walked around the table. James seemed surprised when she sat in his lap. He put his arms around her waist and she took his hands in hers.

"James, honey," she said, smiling, "we're going to have a baby." James' face lit up and they embraced.

Yes, James would make a very good father.