Conditioned Aversion4

"Elizabeth? Elizabeth!"

The frantic, raw voice woke Elizabeth from her formerly sound sleep. The pounding on her door made her jump out of bed. Grab a robe to hastily pull on as she ran to the door. She opened it. Stared. "John? John, are you all right?" Quickly she stepped out of the way as John lurched into her room. He appeared upset, sickened. Clothes rumpled, out of sorts. Hair messy, wild. He kept pacing, couldn't stop moving.

"She's on Earth, right? Has been for nearly three months now! I need to get there, Elizabeth! I need to see her, make sure she's okay, make sure she's safe, make sure she's all right! I have to get there, now! I have to bring her home, I have to bring her back to me, if she'll have me, I have to bring her home at long last! I have to–"

"John!" Elizabeth blocked his erratic path. Clasping his arms to halt him. She stared. "John, slow down. You remember? You remember Moira?"

"Yes." His gaze took in Elizabeth's mussed dark hair. The blue satin pajamas under her robe. He suddenly recalled Moira's pajamas. They had sabertooth cats on them. And she always wore fuzzy socks because of her cold feet. Because of her scarred foot. "I...how could I...." He slumped. Sat in a chair, posture that of a dejected man. He stared at the floor. "How could I have ever forgotten her? How?"

Elizabeth moved to him. Placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Carson said you were suffering from...what was it? Oh. Lacunar amnesia. He said you were protecting her. Had buried her so deeply within you that not even you could find her. Does that make sense?"

"No." He ran a hand through his hair. Looked up to see her worried gaze. "Does it?"

She smiled. "You should talk to Carson. He can explain it far better than I can. As for Moira...as soon as the Daedalus arrives you will be on it for the return trip to Earth."

He seemed to relax for a moment. Green eyes full of guilt, of dismay, and Elizabeth wondered what had happened to trigger the memory. "Okay. Okay." He stood. "Sorry. I shouldn't have barged in like this...I..."

"It's all right, John. I'm glad your memory returned. Go talk to Carson. It wasn't your fault, John. Whatever is buried in your subconscious finally relented, and let you remember."

"I...okay. How soon?"

She smiled at his impatience. "Two weeks, John. Time enough for you to finish healing."

"Okay. Okay. Thanks. Sorry." He headed for the door, turned back to see her concern. "I'm fine now. I'm fine. I just..." He left abruptly, unable to complete the sentence. Emotions, thoughts all tangled, twisted.

"Moira! Are you all right?"

Moira stared, uncomprehending. Followed Daniel's gaze to herself, down her body. Down to her thigh. Blood stained her pants, crimson seeping through the tan cloth. She chided herself. "Yes. It's nothing," she explained, wiping at it as if she could erase the stain. The evidence.

"Nothing? That doesn't look like nothing!" he complained, shaking his head. His blue eyes met hers. Suspicious. Concerned. "Moira? How did you–"

"It was an accident. Look, give me a sec to change and we can go." She disappeared back into her room. Cursing herself as she hastened to the bathroom. Removed her pants and wiped at the blood seeping from the cut. A cut that was deeper than she had intended. She held a wet washcloth to it, trying to stem the oozing fluid.

"Moira?" Daniel knocked on the door. Unconvinced. "You need to see Janet."

"No! I'm fine." She quickly dried the cut. Saw it was no longer bleeding. She pulled on a pair of jeans. Pulled on her boots once more. She grabbed her coat and entered the hallway where Daniel stood like a sentinel. Waiting. Judging. "Let's go. Ice-skating, you said, right?"

"Are you sure? How did you cut yourself? You need to see Janet. You need–"

"I need John but he's not here!" She calmed, regretting the flare of anger, of despair. "Sorry. Just leave it. Please. I'm fine. Let's go."

Daniel hesitated. He couldn't imagine what kind of accident had occurred to make her bleed. If it had been an accident. He knew the stress, the not knowing was getting to her more and more. She had all but closed herself off from everyone. Hardly ventured from her room except for quick meals. Hardly talked. Even the lure of science was waning. "Well...if you're sure..."

"I am." She began to walk down the hall, pulling on her coat. "Let's go. I haven't skated in years so I might be rather clumsy."

He followed. "Me too." He caught her arm, stopping her. "Moira...if you need to talk, I mean...I know what it's like. Sort of. My situation was different than yours, but I know how it is to be apart from your spouse and not knowing how they are, if they are all right. But I'm sure that John is fine, of course!" he hastily assured, seeing the flash of alarm in her eyes.

"You...oh...you do...your wife...sorry. I just...then you should understand that I can't talk about it. Okay? I have to not think of John right now. Let's go." She resumed moving, freeing herself from his gentle grasp. From his gentle concern.

"All right, Moira. Let's go ice skating," he agreed, relenting at the moment.

John rubbed his eyes. Yawned. Flexed his muscles carefully. Winced at the pain from bruises. Cuts. He looked over, pulling on his shirt as Carson neared. "Well?"

"Well, you're not one hundred percent but you'll be fine, John. Just take it easy." He crossed his arms in front of his chest, eying his patient. "I imagine that eighteen days on the Daedalus should give you plenty of time to rest and recover."

"Yeah. That should do it." John hesitated.

"Is there anything else? You don't look like you've been sleeping well," Carson observed.

John shrugged. "No. I haven't." He eyed his wedding ring. "Um, doc...ever since I remembered Moira...I can't imagine how I could have...how I could have forgotten her in the first place."

"Oh. You had amnesia, John. Lacunar amnesia. There was nothing physically wrong with your brain. You did it to yourself."

"To protect her? But why?"

"You'd best ask yourself that, colonel, not me. But I suspect it was the only way you could finish this. Deal with your darker self, both outer and inner. I don't know what demons you have inside you, John, or what demons that darker version brought out, but it must have been hell. And you locked Moira away for safe-keeping. To keep her protected. Not deliberately. The subconscious is a very powerful thing. Can do things without your conscious self even realizing."

"That sounds like psycho-babble bullshit, doc...but yeah. You have no idea."

Carson nodded. "The important thing is you did remember. That's all that matters, really, John. Is there something else?"

John shook his head. Met the doctor's gaze. Locking away all the guilt, the remorse. What he had done. What had been happening when he had remembered her. "No." He stood. "I'd best go pack for the Daedalus. Eighteen days of rest before I..." He headed for the doorway.

"Colonel!" Carson called. John turned in the doorway. "By the time you reach Moira it will be close to your six-month anniversary. Your six-month wedding anniversary. A gift might be nice. A surprise."

"Oh. Thanks, Carson...I'll give it some thought." John smiled. But his smile faded as he thought of Moira. Of how he had betrayed her, however unintentionally. Still he longed to see her. To hold her. To talk to her. To just be with her. Alone with her.

Moira wished she was alone with John. She could imagine skating with him. Smiled as she pictured him being clumsy. Big feet on the ice. Imagined his body aligned with hers as they floated along the ice. She pushed the thoughts aside, lacing up her boots. Glanced up to see the rink nearly empty. A zamboni cruising along it. "Looks like we're too late," she commented.

Daniel nodded. Adjusted his glasses. "Yes. Darn it. It wasn't like this last week. Hey! There's an outdoor rink not far from here. Maintained for the tourists. It should still be solid."

"Should be?" she questioned, causing him to smile.

"Yes, should be. I think. Let's try it out."

She stood. Grabbed her skates. "Okay, I guess. Maybe, maybe we should head back to the SGC," she suggested. Worry lining her face. "The Daedalus is due back soon, right?"

"Yes. But not for several hours. It won't be in transmission range for at least two hours. I have my cell phone, Moira. Come on. Instead of fretting around the base you can skate with me on a perilous outdoor rink high in the mountains. Sounds fun, doesn't it?"

She had to smile. "Well, when you put it like that...okay. Just an hour, though. One hour."

"One hour," he assured. Leading her out of the rink.

"Where is this place anyway?"

"Not far. It's, um, near the summit of Pikes Peak, actually."

She stopped. "What? You don't mean Santa's village, do you?" She put her hands on her hips, pretending to glare at him.

He grinned. "No. It's past that. I don't think Santa's village is open this time of year, but we could always check. You know this area quite well," he observed.

Moira nodded. "Yes. I completed my internship here, well, in the city." She looked at the skates she held. Sunlight glinted on the silver blades. Pushed the bad memories aside. "A long time ago," she needlessly added.

"Let's go." They strolled across the parking lot. "You've been to the top of Pikes Peak?"

"Yes. And all of the touristy places. The Garden of the Gods. The Cave of the Winds. And yes, even the infamous North Pole." She smiled. "Talk about reindeer games."

Daniel laughed. "Yes, I know exactly what you mean. But it's fun in a cheesy, corny sort of way. A whole village dedicated to Christmas with rides and shops and a petting zoo."

Moira smirked. "You sound as if you miss it, Daniel."

He shrugged. "And what if I do? It's fun. And face it, we have much less fun, don't we?"

"True," she had to agree. "I can tell you one thing. There is nothing like that in the Pegasus galaxy."

Daniel smiled. "You sound relieved, Moira."

She laughed. "Maybe I am. Although I do miss Ferris wheels." She thought of John, pushed the wistful longing aside.

"And don't forget the view from Pikes Peak is spectacular."

"True. And the Bottomless Pit. A straight walled basin with a drop of seventeen hundred feet. The mountain itself was carved from glaciers thousands of years ago. Remember that mammoth bone we were excavating? Same time period. The last great Ice Age, the Pleistocene."

"I'm glad it's not that way now. It's chilly enough as it is," Daniel noted wryly.

John shivered. Shook himself in his coat as a frozen mountain breeze swept down and practically shoved him into the SGC as he exited the car. His luggage was packed in the trunk, along with a few gifts he had managed to purchase after arriving from the Pegasus galaxy. Informed that Moira was back from her trip with Daniel he walked slowly along the corridor. Reluctant and anxious to see her at the same time.

He shoved his hands into his pockets. Pulled them out again. Licked his lips. Hearing voices as he rounded a corner he slowed. Just catching sight of Daniel as he followed Moira into her room, talking all the while. He couldn't quite make out the words, heard various science terms and geological comparisons. He shook his head, amused.

His heart was hammering. His palms felt sweaty. He chided himself for this immature, inexperienced behavior, but he couldn't help it. Not after being separated from Moira for nearly three months. Not after forgetting all about her. Not after the compromising position he had found himself in when he did remember her.

He resumed walking. Froze catching sight of Daniel again as he exited a room, was moving quickly. After a woman with long brown hair in a ponytail snaking down her back. He knew it was Moira. Evidently that hadn't been her room. He continued following them, planning to intercept, but not interrupt. Not yet. He smiled, imagining her surprise, her joy.

Her love.