Chapter 7: Depression and Promises

"I'm going with you and that's final! I don't care that it's dangerous. I don't care that I can get hurt, so can you, Harry!! I can take care of myself!!" Hermione was outraged. Harry said he was leaving this week without her and she couldn't deal with it.

"Hermione it's too dangerous, you can't come. I have to face him on my own! Why do you insist on nagging me!?" Harry was yelling by now too. It was as if she didn't trust him to keep his promise. He will keep his promise.

"Oh I don't know, maybe… because you seem to get yourself into trouble if I didn't nag you! You'd have a better chance of staying alive if you weren't alone! Its like you want to get yourself killed." Why was he being so stubborn? It was just logical that she go with him. But neither of them was thinking logically.

"How can you say that!? Of course I don't want to get killed but I don't want you to get killed even more! I can't risk losing you Hermione!" Hermione was taken back. She knew he loved her more than anything but that had never been said. Of course she didn't think he wouldn't be distraught over her death but…

"Harry…" Tears prickled in her eyes, again. This was their fifth fight on this particular decision. Once in the Astronomy Tower, twice in the great hall, once by the lake (in the company of Ron and Luna) and this time they were in her room. Harry had come up to see why she was so quiet at dinner and one thing led to another and…

Harry saw how moist Hermione's eyes had suddenly gotten. That's the hundredth time she cried for him. He walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her and trying to comfort her. Her head landed on his shoulder for shelter and he laid his chin on the top of her head. "Hermione I'm sorry but… I can't even think about the possibility of losing you. I'm not strong enough." Hermione lifted her head to look at him with wet, pleading eyes, "And you think I am? Harry, I'm books and cleverness, you're bravery and strength. I don't want to wait here constantly worrying if you'll come back to me." Her forehead crashed onto his chest as another wave of sobs hit her. She wouldn't survive it if anything happened to Harry.

Harry leaned away to look at Hermione. The tears had stopped but she was still pained. He knew that she would be sad for his absence but he had to go fight. He was going to fight for her, for them, for their future together. He'd make sure that would happen. He knew it wouldn't be easy but he had to try and win whether it was the last thing he would ever do. "I will come back. Tomorrow morning I'm leaving to kill Voldemort and save the future I dream for us." Hermione smiled. He wanted a future with her. He loved her. She had to let him go. But that didn't mean she wanted to.

"I love you…" She whimpered into his chest while she calmed down. Harry stroked her hair idly and took a breath, "I love you more than anything Hermione." Hermione smiled against his chest as her cheeks dried leaving behind light tear streaks. She looked up into the striking green eyes of the man she loved and would marry and begin a family with someday. He smiled down at her, imagining the exact same as her.

Hermione was standing just outside the borders of Hogwarts. Beside her were Lupin, Moody, Ron, Ginny, and Professor McGonagall along with other members of the Order. Dumbledore stood before them, back turned, speaking to Harry so she had to strain to hear him to no avail. Harry mumbled some things but Dumbledore supplied most of the hushed conversation.

It was happening. Harry was leaving. Dumbledore turned to the group while Hermione was already in tears. Harry's eyes met hers with equal sorrow. He took five strides to get to her and wrapped her in his arms hastily. Dumbledore looked grave, as did almost everyone else. They knew it wasn't likely that Harry survives in the defeat of Voldemort but they didn't dare let themselves add to the teens' distress.

Hermione was the one to pull away for fear that she wouldn't be able to let him go if they embraced any longer. She quickly wiped away any sign of water from her face. She looked up at Harry and he too had tear strains on his face. He looked at her sadly with an unconvincing smile. She tried and failed to smile back at her. He pulled her face to his to give her one last kiss. This one filled with all the passion he could muster in all the depression filling him at the moment. After a few minutes he let her go.

"It's time…" Albus Dumbledore spoke softly. Harry and Hermione looked to the old man then back at each other. A fresh batch of tears fell freely on Hermione's face as she looked at Harry with so much sorrow that it broke his heart. He raised his hand to her face, "I have to go…" He whispered. Hermione closed her eyes tightly and leaned into his hand. Sobs broke through her chest and she leaned into him in another embrace.

"Come back to me…" She sobbed erratically. She couldn't do this. She was losing the love of her life to the greatest evil that ever lived. She had to find a way to undo this. Anything. "I love you." With that said he followed Dumbledore outside the castle. He had nothing but the clothes he wore and his wand. Hermione clung to Ron and Ginny for support as she watched Harry disappear in the early morning. What was she supposed to do now?

Hermione lay in her bed. It had been weeks since Harry left. She had done nothing but go silently to class, eat in her room and sleep. She didn't do her work with any zest for perfection like she did before. She didn't answer questions but whispered to teachers when given no other choice. Most teachers understood; McGonagall, Treleway, even Snape. She barely got any sleep and when she did she got no rest for she constantly had nightmares. Ginny would spend the night with her and she even snuck up to Ron's room a couple of times. She always dreamt of Harry's death. She would kick and scream and fall out of bed numerous times. She looked awful all day, hiding herself behind her robe or her hair. She cried herself through the depression.

Knock knock. Hermione gave no answer. She knew Ginny would come in anyway. As if reading her mind the red head walked in and sat at the edge of Hermione's bed. Hermione lay under her red comforter just dazing out the window towards the gate. Tears flowed through her eyes but she didn't even notice them. She was used to them.

"Honey you have to eat."-"Not hungry."-"He'll come back you'll see. He's gonna come running through that gate basking in the glory of his defeat of Voldemort and return to you." This made Hermione smile. Before he had left Hermione dreamt often of her future with Harry. She would marry him after graduation. He would train to be an Auror while she would be a professor at Hogwarts and soon to be Headmistress. They would have one son named James and a daughter named Jane. They'd live in his parent's old cottage once he was ready. They'd live a happy life full of so much love and passion both for their children and for each other.

But then he left and the dreams stopped, replaced by nightmares of Voldemort killing Harry after muttering slurs of slander against him and her. She would wake sweating and crying profusely every night.

"Hermione?" She turned to see Ron in her doorway. She sat up in bed as he came over to hug her. She held to him closely. She was so lucky to have such great friends that would help her in her state of depression. "Are you alright? I mean…err…" The frustrated boy scratched his head then took a deep breath for what he was about to tell her, "Um… we found something when we were going through some of Harry's stuff…" Hermione's head snatched up in shock. She was so alarmed. Why were they going through his stuff? Was he… no no NO!!

"What-why? Why would you… is Harry…?" Hermione felt a wave of panic course through her and hot tears flush down her face. He couldn't be… no! He promised!! Ron's face flashed with realization as to what Hermione had assumed.

"NO! No Hermione, he's not dead. Me and Ginny were just trying to find anything that could tell us what he and Dumbledore planned. Anyway we found something in one of his notebooks… addressed to you…" He handed her a folded note. Its edges were torn from being ripped out of his notebook. It had his handwriting on it; the date at the top was just three days before he left.

Hermione,

I realize that what I'm about to do is dangerous. I know that if anything were to happen it would hurt you. I want you to know that I will never stop thinking of you. Not a second will pass when I won't be thinking of how beautiful you are and how much I love you.

I almost wish that the war never started. But if it hadn't I would have never realized that I love you. Yes we were friends before but until filth year when our lives were in danger I hadn't realized how much you meant to me and that I would give my life for you. I would have never known how much I truly loved you.

Hermione stopped reading. Tears filled her eyes. It was so beautiful, the things he said, the things he took the time to write down and express to her. She looked up to Ron. He nodded encouraging her to keep reading. She looked to Ginny and she just smiled. Hermione resumed reading.

never known how much I truly loved you. I count my blessings that I have you. That you've granted my every desire and for that I'm eternally grateful.

I just ask one more thing from you. Be happy. If for any reason I don't return, be happy. Make a life with anyone and build a future. Become Headmistress and raise as many children as you want. Bless the world and everyone in it with your undying love.

Be happy. I love you Hermione Jane Granger.

Harry.

Hermione read and re-read the letter. How could she be happy without him? It was impossible and nothing could ever change that. She read the last part out loud without realizing it, "Be happy. I love you Hermione Jane Granger."

New tears rushed out of her eyes and made it down onto her bed in no time. They fell like rain on her red bed spread but slowed then stopped. Her body couldn't make any more tears. She was dry. That night she fell asleep re-reading that letter with his words going on and on in her head. Be happy.

Hermione woke to the same scene. She was facing her nightstand with the picture of her and Harry; Harry had his arms around her waist and they were laughing at how Ron fumbled with the camera, they were at their tree by the lake – the lake in the background – in the sunset. No tears came this time. She got up and got dressed. She usually spent weekends in bed. But she decided that Harry will keep his promise and that she should try to keep her new promise – to be happy.

She walked down to the Great Hall for breakfast and when she entered all went quiet. She understood. She never went to breakfast…or lunch…or dinner. She ate in her room. She walked over to both shocked Ginny and Ron. Ron had food falling out of his mouth because of his lower jaw dropping to the table, making Hermione giggle. Luna beside him lifted his lower jaw gracefully with her hand and smiled at Hermione. Ginny was still wide eyed but smiling as well.

Hermione smiled back but a small smile, "Good morning." They mumbled 'good mornings' in awe. Hermione took her seat and began to nibble on some eggs. She caught the eye of some boys but she wouldn't give them any attention. She would try to be strong and happy for Harry but she would never even think of replacing him. He was her soul mate, 'the one' for her, and she would never love another if she couldn't love him.

She kept up with the conversations but they mostly consisted of questions towards Hermione on her new mood. "I'm trying to be happy like Harry wanted me to be. I promised him last night." Both Luna and Ron's face turned to confusion at the mention of promising Harry last night but Ginny's face was that of pure understanding and support. Hermione offered no explanation to the confused couple. She continued eating.

In classes she answered a few questions. She didn't go straight to her room but lingered on the walk there with Ginny. They talked in the common room then Hermione made an escape to do homework. She wasn't completely cured of her depression but who could expect her to be overnight. She would be truly hopeful and happy someday. Ginny and the others just hoped it would be the day of Harry's return.