Dreams and Traitors

"Sweet Merlin! Lily! Lily, you're awake!" Severus stood up in a rush, knocking over his chair and nearly tripping over his own feet. He grabbed at the bedside table to steady himself and sent the potion bottles upon it spilling to the floor in a cacophony of shattered glass and splashing liquid.

Lily's eyes burned as she watched the spectacle of the dark figure. She'd had them shut so long that lines and shapes had no distinction; all was a blur. The light in the room hurt and the quick actions were confusing and frightening. Her brain felt like it had been wrapped in a thick wool blanket. Everything in it was fuzzy and dark; her thoughts were scattered shreds, far from the quick, cogent mind she usually possessed. She let out a small gasp of panic and he froze.

Before he could speak again, Madam Pomfrey was rushing to her bed. "What's all this fuss about Mister Snape, what's the trouble then? Oh! Miss Evans!

At the sound of her name, Lily turned to face the other shape's voice and reached out her hand.

"wha…?"

"Miss Evans, lie still. You've been through a very traumatic event. You're lucky to be alive." Madam Pomfrey ran her wand over Lily's body, checking to see what the diagnostic spell would reveal. As she worked, she threw question after question at Severus' addled mind.

"How long ago?"

"Just now…"

"Did she speak?"

"No, uh, she just looked at me…"

"What had you been doing right before she awoke?"

Severus hesitated. He felt his face redden at the thought of the kiss. He didn't want to tell her. That moment was his…even if it was stolen and undeserved...and Lily, she would hear him. She would know. He balled his hands and felt himself begin to shake, partly with fear of what Lily would say, partly with anger at having been forced into confession.

"Mister Snape, I asked you what had you been doing?" Madam Pomfrey said again, not taking her eyes from the startled girl, but obviously expecting an answer now.

He hung his head and let his hair fall in front of his face, like a shield. "I kissed her," he said, his voice low and full of trepidation.

"Pardon? Speak up Mister Snape, stop mumbling!" She turned to face him, exasperation written along the lines of her forehead.

He looked up slightly and his hair parted from his face. From under a furrowed brow, he met her eyes. "I. Kissed. Her." He said, as steadily as his voice would allow.

Madam Pomfrey looked slightly taken aback. She raised an eyebrow and gave him a look that seemed to mingle suspicion with embarrassment.

Severus' eyes darted quickly back to Lily. She wasn't looking at him as she lay there, on her side, under the thick infirmary blankets. She had the tips of her fingers to her mouth and her knees pulled up to her chest. He felt his heart dip. She still looked so weak; all he wanted to do was hold her.

"That is…rather inappropriate Mr. Snape…however, I believe, given the circumstances, we can ignore it this once;" Pomfrey said, giving him a gentle look of warning.

"Hello Severus…" came the kind, old voice from behind him.

Severus jumped; he hadn't heard anyone approach. He was usually keenly attuned to the quiet advances of others, given the unkind amount of training he'd received thanks to Potter and his gang.

"Lemon drop?"

"No sir…thank you."

"I see Miss Evans has awakened, very good."

"Yes Headmaster."

Turning from the boy, Dumbledore addressed the medi-witch. "Poppy, has anyone contacted the girl's parents?"

"Albus, hello. According to Mr. Snape she only roused moments ago, no word has been sent."

"Ah, I see; I shall alert them. I'm sure you have everything under control without my meddling here…She's very capable you know;" he said, turning to Severus again. "I remember one time, a few years back, a young man had ingested a rather nasty potion, turned his hair and skin a shocking shade of shamrock green. He'd have been left in that unfortunate state if not for her skills. Though, I feel if he had forgone treatment, he would have had a rather promising career as a mascot with the Irish National Quidditch team…alas."

"Sir?" said Severus in exasperation. He wanted to talk to Lily, touch Lily, not be reprimanded by Pomfrey or listen to some tale being prattled out by the Headmaster.

"No matter dear boy. I must go fetch the girl's parents now."

Pomfrey and the staff buzzed about Lily's bed, administering the various draughts, cleaning up the shattered mess of bottles, and generally impeding Severus' attempts to be near her. Dumbledore returned with her parents who cried and laughed and held their daughter. Mrs. Evans even planted a tender kiss on Severus' cheek and hugged him like a son for saving her child. He stood there in a daze, watching the whole event unfold like some bizarre dream, wondering if he'd ever get to be alone with Lily again.

Eventually though, the crowd did thin. Lily's parents returned home, Dumbledore retired to his office and Pomfrey and the staff went about tending the other patients in the ward.

"Mind yourself now, Mister Snape;" said Pomfrey with slight admonition as she retreated.

Lily looked at Severus and curved her lips into a faint and weary smile. "Hey…"

"Hey…" he said back to her, walking with deliberately slow and measured steps. "How are you?"

"You kissed me?"

Severus felt the color drain from his already pale face. He looked down at his feet and rubbed his left arm with his right hand nervously. He tried to speak, but every time he opened his mouth, he couldn't find the words he wanted to say.

"I dreamed about you…Sev. I dreamed about you a lot. I saw you doing things… things I can't remember now, but you were so filled with anger and sadness. It scared me to see you that way. You seemed…so lost, like…like you'd lost your best friend or something." She swallowed hard, pushing away the dizzying memories of her fevered sleep.

"Well, for a while there, I was afraid I had. Lily, I…I'm sorry…about the dreams…" He sat down on the bed and reached for her hand, running his fingers along the tiny scars the attack had left. "…but, they were only dreams." He looked at her pleadingly.

"Oh Sev, it was all so horrible! I was so upset; and then, the attack, I was terrified! I thought I was going to die, and then, the dreams, the dreams; they wouldn't leave me alone. It was all because of that letter…and Potter and…oh Sev, that letter! I didn't kiss Potter! He…he f-f-forced himself on…on…" She pulled herself up and curled into his chest, clutching at him while she sobbed, letting him wrap his arms around her and whisper words of comfort in her ears.

"Lily, shhh, it's alright now. It's alright. I…I know about the letter, about Potter, about all of it…" He smoothed her hair with his hand and kissed the top of her head without thinking.

Lily withdrew herself from his robes, now damp with her tears. "You did kiss me. I remember it. I was standing in a room and there was a baby in my arms, he had black hair and green eyes and I was afraid. I remember seeing a white face and dark robes…and then I heard your voice, as if from another world. 'Lily, forgive me,' you said, and then I felt your lips on mine…and I wasn't so afraid anymore."

Severus' heart thumped so strongly he was sure she could hear it. She'd felt his kiss and it had comforted her. The foolishness he had felt at that act was now but a distant memory. Still, her dream, what did it mean? "I don't understand…was I the white face? Lily…a baby? Black hair, green eyes…was it…"

"I don't know. He might have been…might have been…ours;" she said quietly, answering his unfinished question. I don't know what it means either; all I know is when I heard you, when I felt you…Severus…"

His mind was swimming. Our baby…Lily's and mine…Lily and me, oh Merlin, to have it be more than a dream! He remembered the delicate softness of her lips and the bitter taste of the potions and before he could stop himself, he bowed his head and put his lips to hers.

"What…do…you…mean…Remus?" came the stilted, angry words. "Why would the map have helped Snape find Lily? Why would the map, our map, OUR map, be helping Snivellus do ANYTHING?"

"Unfailing faithfulness," squeaked Peter as they rounded their way to the Gryffindor portrait hole. The painting creaked open and the four boys stepped through. A few people were sitting in the chairs and on the couches, playing games or reading books, not minding the entrance of their fellows.

"Spit it out Rem!" James said, sending furious drops of spittle onto Lupin's face.

The others in the room turned at the sound of James' shouting.

"Keep it down mate!" said Sirius, noticing the now interested eyes peeking at them.

Lupin stared at the face before him; he could see James' rage was barely contained behind the constraints of his clenched teeth and ruddy skin. His mind somersaulted over itself for solutions, for something to say that wouldn't end in pain and yelling and broken friendships. He'd gone too far giving Snape the map…never mind the fact that without it Lily'd be in a box in the ground. James would never see that side of it, not with Snape involved…Snape. Either way you go, you're a traitor, he thought. James, Sirius, and Peter, they were all he had to cling to during those times in the shack…the only thing holding him in the spider-thread bounds of sanity. It…it was too much to lose them…I…I'm so sorry Snape, so sorry!

"Snape! It…it was Snape! He…he took the map! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I…was too weak…" he said in a hissing whisper.

"He stole the map from you? Blimey Mooney! Why didn't you say something about it when I asked you? You just called me a slob! Why'd you say Sirius probably had it? What's going on mate?" James' face ran the gamut from fury and shock to irritation and confusion...which is where it decided to settle.

"I…I was afraid, he might…you know…retaliate! So I lied…I didn't want you to know it was him for what he might do!" Remus, you coward…you bloody awful coward! Snape will get it ten times worse than you…

"Ah Mooney! You should have said! You know we'd have kept that slimy git from you…and hexed the bollocks off the wanker too!"

"That's right we would!" came another familiar voice, abandoning all pretenses of remaining quiet. "I…I can't believe I defended him! Even just a little! He'll pay for it, no doubt he'll pay for it!"

James and Lupin both turned to face Sirius. He was standing there, seething, his jaw clenched, and his hands balled into tight fists, unadulterated hatred glazing every feature of his face.

"Wh-wha-what are you going to do Padfoot?" Peter asked, discomfort swimming in his beady, rat-like eyes.

"I'm going to show him why picking on Rem is a very bad idea…"

AN: I'm changing up what I'm doing with this story...I feel it could get too convoluted and too with my original intention...which I'd rather save for something that isn't basically stream of consciousness! Anyway, I hope I can do justice with the rest of it...and alas, angst is staying. Thanks to everyone who reads! A really big thanks to everyone who reads AND reviews!