Chapter 2

The next several weeks are hard to remember. It was like living in a nightmare of confusion, anger, and sleep. I have no idea what I said to my mom during this time. Embry must have screened most of my behavior from her because when I finally started to come out of my daze, she seemed to treat me like I had been sick for a while.

The only relief I found was in sleep when I saw the charcoal wolf, my wolf, who was just there with no need for anything more than to keep me company as we trekked through the surrounding forests, pausing at rocky cliffs to stare out over the ocean and at the moon. No questions were demanded or explanations needed. We could just walk.

Unfortunately my real life held none of this untroubled peace. Embry hovered, literally followed me from room to room in the house worried if I looked despondent, worried if I showed too much energy. Collin was at our house every hour it seemed, taking a permanent spot on the couch with his laptop and several enormous books in hand; eager to look up if he thought I might venture into the living room, which I rarely did, unless my mom called me in.

But even if I could try and avoid Embry and Collin, I couldn't avoid my enormous, growing body. Clothes that fit the day before would suddenly be too small. The desks at school seemed child size, and I even outgrew my bed. Realistically I was no taller than 5 ft. 8 in. but at thirteen-years-old this was ridiculously huge.

Strangely enough when I wasn't brooding over my odd size, and misshapen features, studying my different body parts for the remnants of childhood, I would suddenly explode with energy. Usually it was angry energy at how I just wanted my life back, my body back, how I wished none of this had happened.

My life had been good in Makah. It had just been me and my dreams. Now, not only was I no longer me, but I shared the dreams of the entire pack, the entire Quileute tribe. I had this Quileute identity that actually seemed to exclude me. Ironically, it was in these moments when I most wanted my own life back, that I would be propelled literally into my wolf life, losing myself once again.

It had been in one of these nostalgic moods that Rachel caught me this morning. She was part of that old life I longed for, an acquaintance, if not a friend for a couple years now. It was true we were never close but she was easy to get along with and there she was this morning offering me a normal day with normal kids. Sitting here now though in a tunnel that's too small pretending to fit in is more of a reminder of what I've lost and what I now am, than an escape from it.

And I know he's watching. Jacob makes somebody from the pack watch me all the time just in case I phase, since I'm so emotional apparently I can't control myself. Of course this falls to Embry, my brother, and Collin, my imprint. He doesn't even have a choice, a slave to genetics like the rest of us. I can't believe he actually could think he loves me. If I were him, this would feel a lot more like babysitting: I'm playing at the park with my friends while he's keeping an eye on us.

My breathing started to hitch. "Calm down," I whispered to myself. Having trouble breathing was a sign that it was time for me to go or I may actually do the unthinkable and phase at the playground. Untangling myself from the tunnel, I gave a lame excuse to a still carefree and bounding Rachel about me needing to get home. Thinking about her untroubled life made my breath jag again. My arms were shaking. To calm down, I started to run, not daring to glance in the direction where I could feel Collin's eyes staring after me. Pleading with myself to stay human but feeling totally helpless, I wasn't surprised when I felt the wind chafe against the wetness on my cheeks as I flew through La Push. In some perverse way, I enjoyed these tears. Wolves didn't cry. Adults didn't cry. Children cried.

And I was a child! I couldn't stop myself from shouting it as I bypassed my house and ran straight into the forest. Running as a human, crying as a child, running, crying, running, crying. The mantra in my head began to devolve into madness and I collapsed, letting the grief have me.

I heard the set of paws that had been following me stop too. Of course Collin had come after me. Thankfully he was keeping his distance. Yet even if he gave me the illusion of being alone, the rest of the pack was in his head, already hearing that I was off crying again. Not alone. No, never alone. Still, the truth was I needed Collin here with me. I liked knowing he was nearby.

But he was almost twice my age. I couldn't look at him without being creeped out. He shouldn't like me. What did he hope to gain by being near me now? I knew before I even asked the question. It was the same thing I got: a feeling of completeness, like my heart could just beat normally. Being far apart was painful, as though there were cords coming out of my heart that were pulled taunt when he wasn't nearby and threatened to pull my heart to pieces if he went too far away. It was as though our lives were one, lived in two seemingly separate bodies. But I was twelve years old! And now I was bound to someone I didn't even know. How could I live like this?

Hours later, exhausted after the longest cry in La Push history, all I wanted to do was collapse on the soft ground and sleep. Instead, I bizarrely felt my body tense and my mind became alert. Vampire? But I knew the scent. It was familiar, someone I had seen a million times in Jacob's thoughts: Renesmee Cullen must be nearby. It was the only explanation.

Renesmee, Nessie as Jacob and the rest of the pack thought of her, the girl who also had to grow up so fast. Jacob's thoughts were vivid and lately he had been reliving all of his memories with her from infancy to now. As I thought about and sympathized with Nessie, I started crying all over again. She would know, understand exactly was I was going through.

Lost in this next round of tears, wishing I could talk to her, I almost jumped when I realized she had joined me here in the bushes and was rubbing my back! Nessie was here, with me. I was so happy and relieved I couldn't even talk or keep myself from laying my head down on her.

She let me sob into her lap, unendingly stroking my hair and back, waiting as I gradually regained control. I needed to thank her, tell her how welcome she was before she left scared or thought I didn't need her. But I couldn't calm down. The relief at having her here, to finally have the chance to talk to someone who would understand what I was going through was just too overwhelming for me to actually start talking.

That's when I heard them pace the ground impatiently, the paws that couldn't be far away. Underneath all of this turmoil was still the brother I loved and the imprint I couldn't live without, standing there, waiting for me. But their waiting felt more like pressure; forcing me to be someone they could understand. They had no idea what I was going through. Their impatient distance proved this. They wanted me to come out, come back home, but were terrified of my childlike tantrums. There was only one person who could understand, who wouldn't try and keep her distance, and that's why she was in the bushes now, able to wade through the crazy emotions pouring out of me.

My breathing jagged. I felt my form begin to shake but I was in control. I would stay a girl right now, a girl in tears. I didn't want to escape the emotions; I wanted to feel them all. It was the most empowered I ever felt and it was only with a gloriously human voice that I would give into my anger, letting it be the victory speech that I was me. I would not lose myself as a wolf, or in a pack, or even I realized in my family's identity, my mother's in particular. I was Mandy and I was in control.

Ready to scream instead of cry, I yelled to my intruders, daring them to come closer. "Collin, Embry, back the hell off! I told you, I want to be ALONE!"

One of them phased and a moment later I heard a voice that took the anger right out of my resolve. "Mandy…you've been out here all day, and it's drawing close to midnight. Your mom is worried sick about you. And so am I and your brother. Please, let us follow you home."

His voice was so tired and worried; there was so much care there. What was I doing? I was causing them all so much heartache. Why couldn't I just get my act together? And for the umpteenth time that day, I felt like the child Collin was forced to babysit. A wolf-child, a woman-child, but a child all the same. A child who wanted a parent, a normal kind of parent who I could just throw a fit to and who would have hugged me and rubbed my back, and smoothed my hair out of my face, and wiped the tears and snot away. But I was alone. My mom would have been devastated to see me this out of control with emotion. She always had the monopoly on emotion in the family. As for Embry, he was currently a wolf and on Collin's side it seemed.

I rocked back as exhaustion took me, ready to hit the ground but found Nessie still there. Nessie. I wasn't alone. I had Nessie. She understood. "I'm not alone" I murmured.

I started to close my eyes when I heard the bushes shake as Collin and Embry, still a wolf, tried to force their way through. I didn't care. I just wanted to sleep so I kept my eyes closed.

"Oh, Nessie. Sorry, didn't smell you. You on your way to see Jacob?" Collin asked. He was so close. I could have just reached out and grabbed his leg. This thought amused me. Maybe I really was falling asleep.

"I thought I'd give it a try since he's avoiding his phone as if it was covered in vampire scent," Nessie retorted back. Huh. She must not know he doesn't have his phone on him.

"Oh. Eh, Mandy," I felt a trill of emotion course through me as I heard Collin say my name, "You coming?"

Ah, the same patronizing voice. I'm sure he didn't intend it but it reminded me of when I was a kid and my mom would say she was leaving. Asking if I'm coming as she walked away only implied that she knew full well I wouldn't let myself be left alone, that I needed her and would come running soon. But I was not alone I reminded myself as I felt Nessie next to me.

"Collin," I needed to be brave. I'd never said more than a few words to him at our house. "I will go home when it pleases me. Embry," he needed to know this message was for him too, "tell mom not to worry. Tell her I need some girl time."

Leaning back, I settled into Nessie only sneaking a peak at Collin before letting my eyes close again. He definitely seemed startled but when I heard him speak, I realized he was just angry.

"But…She's not a girl! She's a leech!"

A leech? I wanted to scream. How dare he call Nessie a leech. She was the only person here not trying to suck my life away. How could he deny me this time when it was because of him that I was driven out here? My emotions were so unstable that it didn't matter if I was a wolf, vampire, or human. I wasn't sure my brain would hold together with this much turmoil in my heart and head. This had to stop, all of this just had to stop.

Nessie, she had answers for me. He didn't. My vision began to blur, I thought for sure I was about to phase as I felt the power course through my feet up into my core propelling me upward. But instead of hitting the ground as a wolf, I was hitting Collin with a very human slap across his face.

"She is female. She has boobs. She bleeds. She is a girl. Now GO!" My legs gave out and my head began to swim, and I was somehow suddenly in Nessie's lap again.

Remorse hit almost immediately. I didn't dare look at his face. I could hear Embry's reproachful growl and that was enough. Embry must be so disappointed in me, embarrassed even. The only comfort I had while the tears streamed over my face was that I had held my form together, having channeled the emotions once again into human anger. Still all wrong and devastating but at least human so I could now feel the impact of my human emotions gone awry.

I didn't know how long I was there crying on Nessie, or when Collin and Embry left, but when I finally calmed down enough to look up, my head was surprisingly clear. I felt more myself than I had since I first phased, or at least all the confusion finally seemed settled into places that I could look at, maybe even talk about.

But first things first. I had to apologize for dragging Nessie into this mess. I knew she had her own issues. We'd all heard it in Jacob's head the past weeks.

"I'm sorry."

Nessie looked surprised. "For what? Defending me against a giant?"

Ah, yes, for that too of course. I couldn't believe he dared call her a leech. But me, I was the one I needed to apologize for. "For crying like a baby, for making a scene, all that. Thank you." I mumbled weakly.

Nessie sounded surprised and slightly amused. "Now you lost me. That one you'll have to explain to me."

How did she keep her sense of humor through all of this? She was a lot better at this half-life than I was. I longed to be so calm, so collected, while watching my body and emotions bizarrely change day-to-day.

"Nessie?"

"Yes, Mandy?"

"How did it feel for you to grow so fast? I mean, this part." I indicated the obnoxious curves that were if not the root of my anguish, the evidence of it.

Nessie laughed. Yes, she understood immediately what I was talking about. "It was weird, really weird. For me, they grew in lapses, so over a night I could have outgrown all my shirts or pants."

The smile that started playing on my lips when she began talking, quickly disappeared when she asked, "But couldn't any of your sisters tell you that?"

Oh, if only they could. Leah barely spoke to any of us if she could help it, except for Jacob and Seth of course. Tamara had phased when she was fifteen and had already gone through puberty. It wasn't that much of a change physically for her. Now she was almost twenty and didn't dwell on the changes in her body anymore.

"I'm only twelve, the closest one in phasing age was fifteen. I mean, I only got my first training bra a few weeks back, and now it's growing everywhere."

Ugh. I never even got my period. That was about the only thing Tamara mentioned. I remember shortly after I phased she came over for a talk, which pretty much included an offhanded comment that as soon as I stopped phasing my period would come back and not to worry. She then left with a, "so Collin, huh?" and that was about the total number of words I'd ever spoken to the other girls, much less the other wolves, in the pack since I phased.

So surprising even myself, I spoke nonstop to Nessie, asking her everything I could think of about growing up so fast. I didn't know if it was more comforting or shocking to hear her answers. Because more than her words, her attitude basically said, "this is my life. Sure it seems overwhelming and frustrating at times but whose life isn't? I really trust my family and Jacob that even if they can't understand they will try to in their own ways and we all love each other. That's what matters."

I envied her confidence. She was so sure of herself in spite of going through a lot of crazy emotions, in spite of being alone with abrupt bodily changes, in spite of not knowing what her future would look like. Nessie seemed to have a whole other grasp on the word normal. She didn't long for normal as something she didn't already have.

After who knows how long, Nessie gently suggested we better head home. Her words reminded me once again how good she was at this very non-normal, normal life. She thought about others, their feelings, and their claims on her, instead of just being consumed with her own feelings and own needs. When would I stop being so selfish? "Mandy, we should be getting on our way. Both before your mom goes crazy, and before Jacob finds out I spent the night with a fresh shape-shifter that still isn't in control of her phasing."

"Okay, I guess you're right..." If only she were right. The slap sounded again in my head as I remembered my emotions being channeled into a human response instead of throwing me onto all fours as a wolf. I was in control of my phasing. Perfectly in control it seemed. The only thing in my life I had any control over. But at what cost?

I wondered if she'd indulge me if I brought up Collin. It was the one topic we hadn't covered and I had to ask her. "…but I'm not sure I wanna go home, Collin will be there and he'll be just as upset that I spent the night with a half-vampire." I wished it were as easy as it sounded, as if the only problem I had at home was an angry boyfriend. Boyfriend, right! Collin was too old to even think about like that. It weirded me out. After today though, he probably wouldn't be around anymore to have to worry about. Ironically, the thought of losing him didn't ease my mind at all.

Nessie looked confused. "Can't he just mind his own business?"

"Not much more than you and Jacob can butt out of each others' lives. We're imprinted." Imprinting. I tried to keep my tone light but it came off sounding like a dirge.

Nessie still looked confused. "Isn't that a good thing?"

Yes, for you it is. "He is so old. I freak out every time I think about having to spend eternity with him. And I feel disgusting in this new body, and I just know he would be appalled too if he wasn't so starstruck by the imprinting. I mean, nothing matches! And worst is, I think I like him, and I want him to like me for me and not because of some old genetics thing..." Tears choked out the rest of my words. Ugh, so much for acting like a grown up with a boyfriend.

"Have you talked about this with him, with anyone? Except me of course. Doesn't the whole pack know this as soon as you phase?"

She didn't understand. How could she when Jacob had been in her life since the moment she was born? No, I was used to being alone with my thoughts and joining the pack had mercifully not changed that. Up until lately, I had been very good at dealing with my emotions. I had never needed anyone to talk to. Having been moved around so much with my unstable mother, at least she had given me the gift of self-control.

"I can't talk about this with him! I don't want anyone in the pack to know, they would just be disgusted with me, too. That's one pro to having a lot of chemistry in your head. All the other minds quickly pass over yours looking for something more interesting than the number of hydrogen, carbon can bind with. So even if I do let a thought slip, no one is listening. And I can't speak to mom, she could never understand. And she thinks Collin hangs around our house because he's a friend of Embry's. If she knew the real reason, he'd get into heaps of trouble."

"Well, isn't she used to him? He's been around forever." Nessie asked, still confused.

Oh the joy of imprinting since birth. "He didn't imprint on me before I phased. We've never met before. I mean, I've seen him at a distance, but never cared. He was one of the big boys, but he moved away to go to college and just came home. He graduated last Christmas. By then I was up in Makah for an exchange; I actually came home because I phased. So, he was the first wolf I met and I didn't even understand what was going on. I was confused, my new senses were weird, and all I knew was that I needed to get home, they would know what to do. It took a while for them to understand that it was a double imprinting, because I thought I was going crazy, dreaming about this big charcoal wolf, about pulling my fingers through his fur. I wondered how I had been so sure it was a him. Everyone let me be, they thought that I had been spooked by the strength of Collin's imprinting. Thing was, it was so strong because it was us both, at the same time. I don't know what to do Nessie! I don't wanna be around him because I always make a fool out of myself, but I can't keep away either. I don't understand how you'll survive being in Harvard while Jacob is here."

"Ugh, you've heard about that."

She looked guilty. She should be. This was something I couldn't understand. Jacob worked so hard to make sure they could go to college together at the same time and she not only ignores that but then decides to move across the country for college. "Not to be rude, but anyone who's been phased in the state of Washington has heard it. He is the alpha, his voice drowns out the others."

"Is he very angry with me?"

"He's not angry at all Nessie, he's terrified. He can't survive with you that far away." Even as chaotic as my imprinting with Collin was, I couldn't imagine that kind of separation. Until today, I don't think he'd ever been more than 100 feet from me since we imprinted and as much as it was driving me crazy, I didn't realize how comforting it was too.

"What do you mean? We've been far apart before. And even if that were the case, I guess he could come with me."

"No, he can't. He can leave the pack, like to move away from La Push to Washington State, because if we need him, he'll only be an hours' sprint away. But further away wouldn't work. The alpha tie is too strong. He actually, physically can't abandon the pack like that. And to be away from each other like that? He wouldn't be the only one affected, you would react, too. I've heard that you froze a lot before, when Jacob wasn't close all the time. Imagine being on different sides of the country, it would be like a nuclear winter."

"Oh..."

"And I suppose he's a bit sad that you wouldn't even consider Washington State, since it was the only school he got into."

"What?...He couldn't have gotten in, he hasn't even finished high school yet!"

Was this a surprise then? He must not have told her his plans. "Has too. He's been taking night classes for years, only to be able to follow you in your life. He didn't plan on becoming alpha, but now he is."

I guess I wasn't the only one with problems. Jacob and Nessie had their problems too. Strangely enough, this made me really happy knowing their life wasn't perfect. It meant that I wasn't alone, that maybe I had some comfort to offer back to Nessie. Tentatively I reached out to put my arm around her shoulder.

As if on cue, Jacob came up then and Nessie, obviously anxious to see him, told him we were ready to come out. She held my hand tightly as we ducked under the branches and emerged into the rest of the forest to join her wolf. I felt intrusive and a bit jealous to this reunion. Would there ever be a day that I would so confidently touch, even look at, Collin?

Then before I knew what was happening, Nessie was pulling me onto Jacob's back and we were riding the giant wolf. I couldn't help the laugh that broke out, the three-year-old laugh that remembered the feeling of riding on giant dogs under Embry's watchful eye. "He always did that to me when I was a kid! I just thought that uncle Quil had a really big dog back then, but he always did just that."

Unbidden, a thought of my charcoal wolf and me riding him popped into my head and I couldn't believe I was asking it but, "Jacob? Did Collin ask you to search for me?" Please say yes. Please.

But Jacob shook his head no. So it must have been "Embry?" Now he nodded. Crap. Crap. Why was I surprised it wasn't Collin? Why was I expecting it to be him? Why was I disappointed it was my ever understanding, loving, protective brother? Why did this feel like betrayal? Abandonment? I hugged Nessie tighter, thanking her silently for the help she'd been to me today, wishing that I could get control of my emotions. When I left the house this morning, hadn't I wanted nothing more than to be left alone, for Collin to let me be a crying child instead of reminding me of my attachment to him and the others?

By the time we broke through the trees to my backyard, I was pretty sure that my tears would have to stop sometime soon. I had been crying almost the entire day now. But ungluing my cheek from Nessie's back, I caught an agonizing glimpse of my charcoal wolf disappearing without so much as a glance in our direction. No the tears would have no end tonight. Clearly Collin was not going to overlook my attacking him earlier. The rejection I sought had found a mark at last and now I had to live with knowing what I had lost rather than being annoyed with what I had.

I felt Embry's arms gently lift me from Jacob's back, and a relieved whisper in my ear, "thank you for coming home DeeDee. I'll get you to your bed."