Chapter 3

My dreams were not peaceful as I slept the last few hours of the night and into the next day. At some point in the early morning, I awoke to realize my clothes were still on, having made muddy smears on the covers. Embry must have taken off my shoes for me. I changed into the sweatpants lying on the floor from previous nights and slipped under the covers. I'd have more than muddy sheets to clean up when I finally awoke.

Letting my mind drift, I searched for my charcoal wolf, seeing the woods materialize around me, the smell of wet decomposing leaves underfoot and of newly exposed bark that wrapped around me like a comforting story. It was the story of my people, of legends reaching back to Taha Aki, to the first pack of wolves. Now I was one of them, running with confidence and loyalty, sure of my destiny. Of course Collin was here with me and we ran together separating from the others to form our own circle around La Push, to create our own story.

After we had carefully finished our patrol we ended up on our rock cliff to settle down in the completeness of having one another. But the dream changed here and now only he was on the edge of the cliff, watching me walk toward him. In the reflection of his eyes, I realized I had phased and was reaching out to touch the deepening and lightening grays in his fur with human hands.

His intertwining fingers suddenly caught my own as I slowly ran my fingers through his fur. We were both walking now holding hands. I steadily kept my gaze down on our merged hands, frightened of the moment I knew was coming, when I would try to look up at his face, but instead wake up.

This was the same dream I had had every night since I phased and every night it ended the same way. Collin would slow down until we were at a standstill and then in no more than a whisper say, "Mandy…thank you."

I can't help but look up in surprise. Surprised by his voice, the earnestness of his words, and surprised by the words themselves. What could he possibly be thanking me for?I had to know but just as my eyes were about to meet his, I always woke up with a start, my breath catching and then streaming out in a whoosh of "Collin" into my pillow as I turned over and waited for less exciting dreams to start.

But tonight was different. I didn't wake up. I didn't see his face either. I looked up and saw the expression that was unmistakably the face he must have had right after I slapped him tonight. My chest squeezed at the sight of his reflected terror. At first neither of us moved, rooted in fear. And then as if our life was nothing more than a piece of paper in two-year-old hands, we both heard the audible rip through the forest of paper slowly being torn apart. Collin began to back away as I tried to follow, the sound of torn paper ringing in my ears.

Words failed and all I could do was beg. "Please Collin. I shouldn't have done it. But I need her. I'm confused all the time and—"

He interrupted sharply, "If being around me is so hard that you would rather spend time with bloodsuckers, I—"

But he didn't finish. I couldn't bear what he would say next so I started running. I knew I was asleep. I had to wake up. But I was phased again. As I ran out of the woods into my backyard, Collin was there waiting for me. He crouched down as if to pet a small puppy, and started rubbing slowly behind my ears.

"I know you're still young," he began. "I'll give you the space you need to grow up without me forcing my way into your life, or your living room." He gave me an apologetic smile. A small doglike whine came out of my mouth and I realized I was not the shaggy ebony wolf I had come to recognize as myself. I was a young Labrador Retriever. As he got up to walk toward my house, I healed carefully at his side, wondering at the leash Collin held tightly in his hand. At the backdoor, he knelt down, took off the leash, and whispered in my ear, "I'm yours."

I jerked awake terrified. Confused and terrified. Confused, terrified, and relieved. It was only a dream. It was only a dream. I laid still and tried to remember exactly which parts were a dream, and which parts were real.

It was as if I was reliving my first days of phasing all over again. That first week especially, the pack was bewildered by how little I thought about phasing and how much I thought about Collin. Embry particularly was overwhelmed by having to share my mind, seeing his baby sister, which is clearly how he thought about me, having such an intense emotional connection to a guy his own age.

The reoccurring dream of Collin and me patrolling, me running my fingers through his fur, and then ending up hand-in-hand would haunt my waking thoughts, and as they were in my mind, they were in the packs mind as well. Hearing their reaction, the hilarity in some minds, the disgust in others, namely Embry's, forced me to try and learn to control my thoughts quickly. I found that if I focused on being a wolf, and living through my wolf senses, it was not difficult to fill my mind completely with the details of the forest we patrolled. Later on I discovered that going over things like the Periodic Table of the Elements worked well too, if for some reason my human mind wouldn't let me give myself completely over to my wolf senses.

But the dreams didn't stop, and thinking about Collin all the time when I was human didn't stop. So I finally confessed to Jacob what was going on. He was the one who realized it, that of course, I had imprinted too. That was the only explanation for how much my life had changed and how little I thought of any of it except for Collin. He and Nessie had both imprinted on one another, though not at the same time, so he knew the intensity that could come with that.

Now as I laid in bed trying to sort out my dream, the events of yesterday came screaming back. Hitting him was not part of the dream. That was real and no, I had not spoken to him since then. He had run away from me last night when I saw him bolt from the porch but I had not tried to approach him like I did in my dream.

A sick feeling began to settle into my stomach. He wasn't here. I didn't know what time in the afternoon it was having finally woken up but I knew for certain he was nowhere nearby. This was strange. It gave me a slightly panicked feeling, like something was missing from me. Unsettled, I climbed out of bed and went downstairs to the kitchen to get breakfast. I couldn't help myself from glancing into the living room to make absolutely sure he wasn't there. Disappointment settled in when I confirmed the couch was empty, showing no sign he had been here all morning.

Mom was at work I supposed and I had no idea where Embry was. The house began to feel oppressively silent. I couldn't help but feel the irony that for the first time in months I had the house completely to myself, and now all I wanted was to have everyone here, and by everyone I really just meant Collin.

As I slowly climbed back up the stairs, I wondered if I could make myself talk to him if he did come over soon, to apologize to him and set things right. No. I just wanted to know he was here.

Opening my closet door, I found my sketchpad, pastels, and charcoals, neatly stacked to one side. I sat right inside my slanting roof walk-in closest and began to sketch. First the eyes, the eyes I so desperately wanted to see in my dreams before I woke up. But before I knew it, those eyes had become part of the wolf. I couldn't help but extend the lines past the ears, down past the muzzle, hard lines dark lines drifting into turmoil. By the end, his eyes and face were sunken deep in my contradictions.

Feeling some sense of catharsis, I perched on my window bench and gazed across the front lawn and down the driveway, straining my ears to catch any sound of padded feet. Lazily, I heard the cars on the highway and the ruckus at the beach, not even interested anymore that the highway and the beach were over a half-mile away in different directions. But a bell rang then that caught my attention. I glanced at the clock and saw it was 2:45pm. The bell I heard meant school was out for the day.

Shortly after phasing, I chose to home school. Coming back from Makah just made me realize how much I wasn't learning in school in La Push and how well I could teach myself with books and the right tutors. With Embry's help, I convinced mom to let me home school.

Thankfully the one benefit to being a wolf was that getting to Makah now was not such a big deal. So happily, my science teacher, Mr. Yuel, was still my science teacher. He had me in his advanced Chemistry class and then would tutor me in biology on the side. This earned a lot of extra homework for me since Mr. Yuel had no concept of a life outside of school work; but truth be told, neither did I. I loved the logic of chemistry, the painstaking detail you had to commit to. I loved that the results were always known, at least with the experiments I did. This glorious predictability was the healthiest escape I had to the mess now strewn on the floor of my closet.

And then I heard it: four paws rhythmically hitting the ground. I couldn't tell how far away they were yet, only that they were coming from the opposite direction from where I could see out my window. I ran down the steps to the backdoor, looking out the window, listening, and waiting. The wolf was coming this direction. That was certain. But who…and then the disappointment crippled. I dragged myself upstairs knowing it was not Collin. I would know it was Collin. Even greater than my sense of hearing, was the sense I had gained in imprinting, of knowing when my imprint was near and in what direction he was coming from. But with absolute certainty I felt no pull toward this oncoming wolf.

Almost reaching the top step, I stopped, remembering my dream. The ripping, the sound of paper being torn apart. Maybe, maybe we were no longer imprinted? Maybe I had finally torn us apart with my actions yesterday? No, regardless of imprinting, nothing had changed for me or the way I felt about him. But maybe, did that mean, things had changed for him? Maybe he no longer was imprinted on me? Is that why I couldn't feel the pull to him right now as he ran toward the house?

I sprinted, tripping back down the stairs, wanting to fling myself out the door, knowing that if I phased I could confirm my suspicions in an instant, as soon as I heard his mind. But this thought stopped me. Did I want to know? What if he really wasn't imprinted on me anymore? The sick feeling settled in deeper. I didn't want to know. But the wolf was getting closer. I would know soon enough. Going back upstairs, I settled next to my window again to wait out the verdict.

Embry knocked on my door a moment later, thankfully giving me enough time to compose my face. As soon as I heard him phase and begin walking across the yard, I realized of course it was him. Being so disappointed by the arrival of my brother just added guilt to the growing despair I felt; so it was with a lot of effort that I tried to have at least a neutral expression when Embry came in the room.

He walked cautiously over to me, giving me a kiss on top of my head and then settled down next to my bed.

"How are you feeling?"

Oh, the guilt. His was being so careful. "I'm sorry, Embry. For yesterday. For before. I've been…I don't even know. I'm sorry."

"Dee Dee you don't need to apologize, for anything. You've been going through more than any of us ever did. Even with the support of the pack, having phased and imprinted so young, no one blames you." Embry's mouth twisted ever so slightly on the word imprinted but he continued. "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I've been so preoccupied with keeping you safe and helping you adjust to phasing, that I've totally ignored the fact you imprinted." He paused and took a deep breath.

"No, to be perfectly honest, it's been more than just preoccupation that has kept me from talking to you about imprinting. I've had a hard time imagining my little sister, my Dee Dee," he gave me an apologetic smile, "having a connection like that with anyone, much less with a guy my age."

I was about to interrupt but Embry held out his hand. "Let me finish. Yesterday changed a lot for me too Dee. I realized that no matter how hard and weird your imprinting has been for me, it has been a million times worse for you. And there's nothing more I can say than I'm truly sorry for the jerk of a brother I've been, not taking the time to think about your feelings."

Getting up and walking over to sit next to him, I leaned against my brother and wrapped my arms around his arm. "Embry, you're the best, awesomest brother I could ever have. Thanks for telling me how you've been feeling. It's good to know that I'm not just making a big deal about nothing, or at least I'm not alone in making the big deal anyway. But I am sorry about yesterday. You must have thought I lost my mind. It's humiliating to know there were witnesses to my emotional tantrum." Actually, it was humiliating to know there was one particular witness to my tantrum.

Embry turned to look at me intently when he spoke. "Mandy you need to understand something. It is GOOD to share your feelings." Then a smile broke out across his face and the joking manner I was used to with Embry returned. "And you little sis' should teach a class on controlling your thoughts as a wolf. I've never seen anyone, not even Jake, have that much control over their mind. I mean I should have known. I did know that you were not doing well but I chose to believe that since I wasn't hearing anything troubling from you as a wolf, you were okay. So yesterday was good Dee. You needed to tell us, you needed to yank me out of my selfishness. Who cares if it didn't come out in the most controlled manner?" I could see that he wanted to laugh and I couldn't for the life of me imagine why, especially if he was thinking about my hitting Collin.

"Did he…does he…Embry this isn't funny!" Embry was actually laughing. Breaking free of his arm, I stared at him incredulously, wondering if I might actually slap him too.

"No Dee," he gasped trying and failing to stop laughing. "It's just I can't believe you hit him. Collin. You slapped Collin Chimakey."

Yes, thank you Embry. I know who I slapped. I still didn't see how this was funny. I decided rather than speaking and getting angry, I'd go sit on my window bench and wait out the apparent hilarity.

"Hey Dee," he began finally serious enough to talk. "Hey," he said again when I didn't look. I slowly broke my gaze from the window and turned my head toward him, still hugging my knees to my chest. "Mandy, he's not angry with you. He's not even a little upset. I'm sure he would be right outside your window if he could be but his course work is bogging him down right now and he had to be on campus today. You know he's getting some crazy medical degree at U-Dub, right? He's been commuting back and forth. There's no way he could spend even an entire day away from you."

The doubt must have been visible on my face because he smiled. "Dee you don't understand how he feels about you if you think he could be angry at all." The joking smirk returned and I thought he was going to start laughing again but he quickly continued, "He feels horrible that he drove you to hitting him. He thinks it's his fault, that maybe he's hurt you enough that you'll never want him around again."

I had to look quickly out the window so I could control the guilt that filled my mouth, making me sick as I felt it burn down my throat.

But Embry wasn't finished. "That was the other thing that changed for me yesterday. I spent a lot of time with Collin and realized he's as much of a mess as you are, as I've been. None of us have handled this imprinting well apparently.

"Collin's been totally unsure how to act, realizing you were not comfortable being around him but remembering he told you that first day that he'd be there for you. At least that was the excuse he'd been giving himself for why he had made himself a permanent fixture at our house. In reality, it has been his need to be near you, to see you, to make sure you're safe, and happy. He feels as selfish as I do about the last months, forcing himself into your life all the time.

You probably didn't know it but Collin's been volunteering to look out for you outside of the house, to protect the newest wolf from phasing and all that; even though he and Jake both knew you didn't need a chaperon."

Shocked, I needed a minute to process this. It was strangely comforting to know he hadn't just been forced to babysit me this whole time when I'd seen him following me. But at the same time, I was even more keenly aware of all this need, this disruption in his life, stemming from the uncontrollable genetic quirk called imprinting. "Imprinting sucks." I mumbled, fully aware that I wouldn't have it any other way.

"Don't be hopeless Dee Dee. It just takes time to get used to, to figure out how to live life with your soul mate," he smiled a bit. "Look at Jake and Nessie. It will work out, better than we can imagine."

The image of walking confidently with Collin, the way Nessie approached Jacob, made me smile. When would the day come? When would me being so awkward and young and him being so old not be such an insurmountable obstacle?

Embry started getting up to leave. "Hey, Mandy, one more thing. While you both are trying to figure this out, try not to slap Collin too much. "

I gawked at him too shocked to close my mouth. Did he really think I could hit Collin again?

"He's fragile." He started laughing, the amusement shaking his whole massive frame. "Collin's always been this soft-spoken, gentle person. Even as a wolf he's smaller than the rest of us, intimidation being so against his nature. He's the absolute last person I would have suspected to ever get in a fight with someone else in the pack, much less his imprint!" Here the laughter took hold again and as I started shoving him out the door, he waved me off. "Okay, okay. I'll go. Just go easy on him, alright?"

Embry was right. Collin didn't spend the entire day away. Around 9 pm I felt him outside and I ran to the window, scanning the darkness to see if I could find him. I knew he was hidden somewhere in the woods to the right of the driveway. Settling down in my window seat, I gazed out the window, content to have him back. But this confidence didn't last long as my eagerness gave way to embarrassment. My mind providing me with vivid pictures of him phasing and walking toward the house. How would I face him? Maybe he'd interpret my sitting here as an invitation inside. This thought had me standing up and moving across my room before I realized it. I did the childish thing and slinked down next to the window, against the wall out of sight. Now I could be close without him seeing me.

"Goodnight," I whispered.