Chapter 5

A week later I was about to run my first night in Collin's patrol. Actually Collin and Brady shared patrol duties, since often times Collin would have to be at school on patrol nights. There were six of us: Collin, Brady, Josh, Aidron, Tamara, and me. The first five had all been part of the fight to protect Nessie from the Volturi, although Collin and Brady had begun phasing even before that. I didn't know any of them well. Part of concentrating on becoming fully a wolf in order to hide my human thoughts, was also studiously ignoring other people's thoughts. Embry had always let me stay silent in his patrol, not involving me in any of the decisions, and the others had taken his lead. I had no idea what to expect now.

I phased soon after leaving the house at 10 pm to meet the others, close to the Cullen's border. Immediately I heard two voices end their conversation.

"She's phased."

"Hey, Mandy, you running with us today?" The mental voice sounded sort of familiar, so I guessed it was Brady asking.

"I'm on my way," I responded a little too slowly, then focused on the ferns, trying to discern the changes in the smell the rain earlier in the day had caused in the forest.

Thankfully when I arrived in the clearing, I didn't have to give more than a quick nod hello before Aidron's massive form came bounding in replaying the Monday night football game he'd watched earlier. Only Collin was thinking about me. We were acutely aware of each other. I kept seeing every move I made in his own mind, a tail twitch, a shift in weight. He realized I was searching his thoughts and turned his attention to my thoughts. We kept up this weird mental dance back and forth, approaching, circling, retreating, until Tamara cut in.

"Are we going to get going or what? Collin what are the pairings? I need to get some sleep tonight!"

Collin focused and began thinking about pairings. Not wanting to reveal my indecision of whether or not I wanted to be paired with him, I concentrated even harder on the smells in the forest, picking up a faint trace of what I guessed was Nessie. It had been a long time since I had seen her, having hidden in my room these past many months. I wondered how long it would stay awkward when I was around her. The last time she'd come by with Jake, I couldn't help but feel self-conscious having shown her more of myself than I had to anyone. But as the memories of that day in the forest with her came back, so did the realization I was reliving those very personal moments for everyone, including Collin.

"Brady you go the longer loop with Aidron. Tamara, take Mandy zigzag through the middle. Josh and I will head East."

Any temporary relief I felt that Collin had interrupted my mental autobiography, vanished as I heard these pairings. I couldn't stop the pain that suddenly overpowered me. I couldn't stop myself from looking up at him, needing reassurance. I couldn't stop my ridiculous human thoughts. Embry had told me that Collin forgave me for avoiding him, that he wanted nothing more than to be near me. I knew this and believed it, and yet I still couldn't stop myself from letting the pain explode from my mind into the other five wolves around me.

"Whoa."

"Good God."

"What was that?"

Shifting paws, mental cringes, and an echoing howl ended with Collin shouting, "No! Mandy will run with me. Josh you run with Tamara."

Thirty minutes later, still trying to control the embarrassment and delight that kept surfacing, I was running the route Collin marked for us staying on his flank. Not a single conversant thought passed between us in the entire three hours we were together that night. I focused on him and our route and was so happy that I was surprised when we were nearing our starting point again to reconvene and go home. Brief reports were shared between Collin and the others but even when everyone said goodbye to each other, Collin and I kept silent.

I phased to walk home human as soon as I was sure I was out of sight of the pack. Trying to keep the millions of questions that suddenly exploded into my head from spilling into the collective pack conscious was going to be impossible. Better to stay human so I could ruin in private the blissful three hours we had had together.

Why hadn't he tried to talk to me? It's true I hadn't wanted him to, but to not even try…after all this time? Had he not had anything to say? Would we ever speak? Imagining spending hours in silence together was not actually that bad to think about. But he hadn't even picked me to run with him at first. Did he not want to spend time together? Had he only picked me out of guilt, after hearing my embarrassing reaction to being paired with Tamara? What must all the others think of me? By the time I reached the house any cheerful memory from that evening had definitely been replaced with feeling like an idiot for having asked to run in his stupid patrol in the first place.

*****

When Saturday came I was not looking forward to going back. I thought about ditching out, having Embry make some excuse for me. But Collin had not been outside my window for two nights in a row now and I had to know why.

Just before I phased I concentrated hard, willing myself to not let there be a repeat performance of explosive heartbreak, no matter what happened tonight. But when I felt how happy and relieved Collin was that I'd shown up for patrol, I couldn't help the excitement that everyone got to suddenly feel.

"You guys are ridiculous." Brady barked laughing and shaking his head. "Mandy, you're running with me. And before you go all psycho again–"

Collin growled.

"Jeez man, I just meant, before she misinterprets anything, I am making the pairings tonight and it has nothing to do with you choosing or not choosing to run with her."

I was too shocked by Brady's bluntness to feel embarrassed or offended. It made me want to laugh, and surprisingly I didn't even have to try to hide my thoughts as I got to where everyone was waiting for me.

"Come on Mandy," Brady called, bounding off before I could even think about saying hi to the others.

He ran really fast so it was hard to keep up with him. But Brady's playfulness even when he ran was contagious, and I couldn't help but push myself faster. I realized it was easy. All I had to do was stop thinking about running, and just run, stop thinking about and analyzing myself as a wolf, and just be a wolf with all the natural agility and strength that came with it. And I was strong, really strong.

"That a girl. Come on, you have more in you than that. I know you do. No sister of Embry's or imprint of Collin's would be slow. I bet you're even faster than me. Run. Don't think. Just run."

I couldn't help laughing. It must have been the adrenaline because I was having more fun as a wolf than I had ever had. And I did run. I ran as fast as he kept pushing me to run, now weaving through the trees, bounding off incredibly high boulders and drop-offs I would have never gone near before. He kept cutting me off, taunting me with his bursts of speed as he flew past me. But he was right. I was faster. I could feel myself, this energy I had always kept carefully under control, being released in now uncontrollable torrents. Even more than the speed, it was the air when I jumped that kept surprising me.

We were now nowhere near where we should be patrolling but today it seemed I didn't care about trying to stay on the right path. Instead I was focusing on the humongous rock up ahead, calculating whether I could beat Brady to it. I dodged to the left seeing the angle I needed, and then with a final burst of energy leapt up, barely touching the boulder more than a second before allowing the momentum to carry me back down. I landed in front of Brady so unexpectedly that he couldn't help but careen into me. We fell in a barking, laughing heap, skidding until we slammed into the closest trees.

Brady was right back on his feet. "Now no more excuses. No more pretending you're this weak or awkward wolf. Hell, I bet you could beat Leah and she holds all the speed records. We'll have to see if we can arrange that one day. You certainly could take any of us jumping. Next cliff dive Mandy, you're coming. No more hiding behind Embry or using Collin as this ridiculous excuse for why you can't do things with the pack."

Collin? The last hour of playing had driven him and all those emotions completely from my mind. Ugh, I didn't want to think about this now when I was pretty sure that not only Brady but Collin too was listening. Instead, I did the only thing I could do. I started running, considerably faster than what I was used to, in the direction that would take me back to where we should be patrolling. My mind was wolf again, safe, focused only on the senses that would take me back to the path.

"Whoa, Mandy!" Brady's paws and thoughts thudded after me. "At least she runs fast now. But that was crazy. And how…"

"How do you do that Mandy? How do you turn your thoughts off like that? It's like I can't even hear you, like there really is only a wolf in front of me. Jake is the only other one I've ever heard do this but even Quil and Embry would say they could still hear his underlying tone buried deep in the wolf. You, it's as if it's blank, as if you've left the wolf body entirely. No seriously Mandy it's a little freaky. MANDY!"

"Ah, what!?" It was as if someone had just screamed in my ear. So much for my great concentration.

"Oh so you are still there." His amusement at his own success in getting my attention made me forget the annoyance I'd felt a moment before. Brady was exasperatingly easy to get along with.

"I am aren't I?" He gloated back catching my thoughts. "So how do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Make yourself mentally disappear!"

"I focus on being a wolf. I don't know how else to explain it." I let my mind drift, feeling distinctly like there were two of me experiencing this moment: Mandy the human and Mandy the animal. The animal had no words, only senses, instincts, feelings. The separation was so clear I could almost feel my mind stepping back and forth between the two.

"Huh, she's, that's just, weird."

And then suddenly I was in Brady's memory. He was remembering himself as a young teenager laughing at the boy he was with, who was seriously and exasperatedly trying to hypothesize about how the human-wolf genome could be triggered by the vampires in the same way viral DNA that was embedded in the human genome was triggered to self-destruct when the host was threatened.

"Collin what in the world are you going on about man? Who cares? Did you know yesterday I went and dropped off the cliff near Hobuck beach?"

Collin's eyes widened at the young Brady.

"Yeah man! I know. The cliffs here are nothing compared to that one in Makah. I bet even Sam's never jumped off that one."

Collin turned serious then as Brady pretended to throw himself off cliffs. "Brady, you shouldn't go off by yourself."

"But you're never around," Brady retorted back shoving Collin. "You study like it still matters. We're preparing for war!"

"You should be studying too. And Brady you know as well as I do that Sam will not let us fight. He wants us here, protecting the tribe."

"Ah. Don't remind me. It's such crap." He kicked at the sand. But then with a mischievous grin turned to Collin, "I'll study, but I'll only study if you come with me first to Hobuck beach. You need to lighten up and have some fun. Being a wolf is COOL." And with that Brady jumped to wrestle Collin and the memory faded.

"Mandy it seems the gods have been kind to give me a second chance at saving another poor soul, lost in their own nerdy self-importance. I didn't have much success with Collin. LOSER!" he suddenly mentally shouted.

"Always the gentleman Brady. Be nice." Collin retorted back, amused.

"And yet, I feel like I have learned from my mistakes and will have much better luck with you. Now seriously, I know Collin is scary, or at least scarily smart, yawn. But apparently you are too so you should have loads to bore each other with."

Ignoring his comments about Collin, I couldn't help but banter with Brady. He had such a great memory and was more than willing to reminisce about himself and Collin as young teens. Physically they obviously looked pretty much the same as they did now, but for some reason just knowing I was seeing Collin at like thirteen or fourteen made it so much easier to imagine hanging out with him now. By the time Brady and I said goodbye that night, I felt as though I had spent the evening with Collin too.

So when I showed up for the next patrol, I wasn't nearly as intimidated to find out I'd be running with Collin. In fact when I saw my charcoal wolf, it was easy to pretend he was still that fourteen-year-old boy I'd seen in Brady's head.

We didn't speak. His thoughts were focused on mine as we ran. I was having trouble staying in the moment, wanting to give my mind over to the wolf, to our patrol assignment, but also seeing blips of Brady's memories that kept my mind human. I didn't want to turn off those memories. I wanted to make memories of my own. I wanted to talk and hang out with Collin too. But I had no idea how.

Embarrassment and nervousness won out as I thought about Collin listening to all of this. I could hear him trying to decide whether or not he should say something. Too chicken to actually let him, I took preemptive action. I decided since slipping into the wolf's mind was out of the question right now, I'd at least try to keep my human mind occupied with less mortifying thoughts. This meant The Periodic Table of the Elements.

"1, H, Hydrogen, Non-Metal, 1.0079 amu, 3 stable isotopes, 1H, 2H, 3H… 23, V, Vanadium, Transition Metal, 50.9415 amu, 1 stable isotope, 51V; 24, Cr, Chromium, Transition Metal, 51.9961 amu, 4 stable isotopes, 50Cr, 51Cr...No wait, was that right?"

"It's CR-50, 52, 53, 54." I almost tripped when I heard Collin quietly correct me. "51 has a half life of about 27 days—"

"Will you two SHUT THE HELL UP," a very unhappy Brady interrupted. "I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE."

"Amen!" Josh agreed.

But Brady wasn't finished. "If I have to hear one more thing about CR ion crap or whatever, I will not run with either of you anymore. In fact, Mandy no more Periodic Table of Elements."

He said it with the authority that I recognized as an actual order. I couldn't help but laugh and apologize to Brady and the rest of them. Collin was laughing too and he glanced back at me as we turned to go around the farthest edge of our patrol.

"You're not really under that order, you know? You can recite as many atomic elements as you'd like." I wasn't sure what the seniority was between Collin and Brady but apparently Collin had a slight upper hand because as soon as Collin said this I felt the order Brady had given me lift.

"Yeah, thanks. Although I think for Brady's mental health, we better lay off." We. I liked that.

Collin diligently avoided commenting on this last thought; but I could tell he was happy too.

Our conversation didn't really progress much after that. We were both still too self-conscious to speak naturally. Instead we resorted to giving each other unnecessary verbal clues about our patrol path. "Rock…branch…hole." We just wanted to have an excuse to talk to each other. Nevertheless before leaving to go home that night, we did say goodbye and I couldn't help falling asleep with the smile still on my face.