Chapter 7

If I had thought saying goodbye was something to look forward to, actually having real full-length conversations made me giddy all week. Talking after patrol had become the new routine. As the months passed, our post-patrol exchanges became longer and I began sharing with him about my dysfunctional relationship with my mother and my lifesaving relationship with Embry. I couldn't help feeling more than a little jealous when Collin told me in turn about his totally normal childhood, growing up with an older brother who was now married with two kids and living in Bellevue, Washington. In fact, Collin had enjoyed his childhood so much that he still lived with his parents in La Push, having built with his dad an addition to the back of the house.

More months passed and he started taking me running around the hills he knew so well. We went to different cliffs in Makah and La Push. Some of these reminded me forcibly of the dream that I still had from time to time; the moon's rippling reflection in the water below us, the serenity of the cliffs. Standing out here now with him lit up by the moonlight on the water, I couldn't help the déjà vu of feelings and emotions.

"What was that? What were you just thinking?" Collin had gotten really good at reading my mind, or rather catching those glimpses of emotions and memory that would surface before I quickly controlled them.

"It's just a dream I keep having."

Collin had long since mastered his thoughts, realizing I needed time to process things on my own, but he couldn't help the surprise and pleasure he felt at finding out I dreamed about him.

I wasn't used to this kind of intimacy with Collin though. We never talked about the way we felt about one another. Admitting I dreamed about him was taking a step toward dangerous ground, a place I was not sure I was entirely ready for.

To lighten the mood, I decided it was my turn to show him something I'd found. It was an enormous boulder between La Push and Makah. I passed it from time to time on my way to the lab at Makah High School. I'd never had the nerve to jump it. Tonight though I was feeling just a little reckless. Telling Collin about the dream had me a little too vulnerable. I needed to regain my footing.

"Come on. It's my turn."

"Where are we going?" He had caught the tenor of my thoughts and was nervous at what I was going to do.

"You'll see!" I focused solely on my surroundings letting the landscape draw me to the spot.

When the rock came into view, I ran a big arc around it trying to figure out at what angle I could jump it. I wasn't sure at this point how high I could jump, but I was fairly certain the worst that would happen was that I hit the boulder and knock myself out for a minute until my body heeled itself.

"Mandy! Embry will kill me if you get hurt while we're together." I heard his panic but just barked a laugh. I needed to do this. I wanted to show him. I wanted to show myself. It was like this jump had something to do with me growing up, wanting him to know how strong I was, how the last two years had changed me.

I turned toward my charcoal wolf and raced at him, butting his side with my head with enough force to make him stagger. He regained his balance quickly looking at me alert and confused, but I was already gone running to the other side of the boulder as fast as I had ever gone and with a force that totally overwhelmed me. I was flying, no, rocketing into the air. It was the most exhilarating feeling until my front paws hit the top of the boulder. Suddenly I needed all my concentration to bring my back feet up and defy the gravity that was threatening me back down. Using all of my strength, I leaned forward and made my front paws pull me up. Two seconds later I was at the top.

"Hey," I called down to Collin. "You better watch out." Even before the thought was finished, I had jumped down and was at his side, flopped lazily on the ground, the picture of relaxation. My thoughts on the other hand were anything but relaxed. I was jubilant. I'd jumped on top of the biggest boulder I'd ever seen! I'd done it. I couldn't be happier.

It took Collin a minute to recover. He paced away, torn between being terrified, impressed, worried, and relieved. These emotions translated into a small whine but then he finally sat down a couple feet in front of me still alert.

For the first time, I didn't like the distance. I wanted to be closer. Getting up – Collin watching me warily, me watching him pointedly – I turned around and laid down right next to him, close enough so I was leaning against his back haunches. His thoughts were once again a scramble. So I very carefully with my paw pushed his front paws away from him until he was on the ground too, his paw still on top of mine. It was almost like holding hands.

He just kept starting at me, his mind blank, reading my thoughts alone. So that's what I did too. We just looked at each other, paw on top of paw.

A bird's song hours later finally broke this vigil. As we heard it chirp just before dawn, Collin jumped up, freeing his paw, and said he better get me home. Neither of us said much of anything. Even where we normally would have said our goodbyes before breaking through the trees into my backyard, I just kept right on going so I could phase and get inside, happy to be lost in the euphoria of the night.

But as I stepped through the door, a warm Embry hand caught my arm and spun me around to face him.

"Mom is going to kill you. God Mandy, I'm glad you can spend time with Collin now, but you still have responsibilities here. At least wait until she's asleep and then you can go sneak out again. Mom was ready to call the police. She finally fell asleep but I bet she'll wake up in a minute to see if you're home."

Guilt pooled in my stomach. I should have come home earlier. "I'm so sorry Embry. Thanks for dealing with mom. I'll go talk to her." I headed toward the living room where I could hear mom snoring gently.

"Wait. Let her sleep." He relaxed a little and smirked. "She compared you to me, you know at the same age, grumbling around the house wondering why both her kids had decided to start ignoring her completely. We had quite the argument about how I was a bad influence on you. Go easy on her though. She's really been trying and as far as she's concerned you are only fourteen."

"Almost fifteen," I replied defensively.

"Hey that's right. What do you want to do for your birthday this year?"

He sounded like he was avoiding the obvious. "Aren't you going to ask me what I was doing all night?"

"Actually no. I remember fifteen pretty well and don't want any details from my sister."

"Oh Embry," I couldn't help it. I didn't have any friends I could gush to, so Embry would have to do. "We held hands, I mean paws, for hours!"

Embry gaped, shocked by my exclamation. But he recovered quickly and started rocking with laughter. "You held paws!? That is all you were doing for how many hours together? Nevermind. You don't need a birthday. You're still safely TWELVE, my sweet sweet Mandy." He reached out patronizingly to stroke my face, but before I could jerk away and slap his hand, we both heard Mom wake up.

"Mandy Call, you get over here right now!"

Warily I looked at Embry and got ready to make amends. I had quite the tongue lashing from my mother that night but honestly, I couldn't help but feel grown up. I was living my own life, apart from my mom, apart from Embry. Her yelling at me only emphasized that. What really surprised me as I listened to her though was the sympathy I suddenly had toward her and everything she'd lived through.

"I know we haven't understood each other much. Your fascination with things I can barely pronounce. But Mandy, I understand this. I understand spending the whole night out with a boy, believing you are in love. It's not worth it. Me and Embry, your family, we're the ones who love you okay. You don't need to go looking for it out there. You'll only end up in a lot of pain."

Mumbling back apologies, I actually felt sorry for my mom, finally understanding what kind of pain she must have lived with her whole life being so near and yet so far away from the guy she was in love with.

So I quietly listened to her, promising her and myself that I wouldn't do this to her again. However I was also trying to keep at bay another new emotion that was rippling at the edge of my consciousness: hate. That guy she was in love with, who caused her all this heartache, was my dad. The rage that built as I realized how completely my dad had destroyed her life was only held off by exhaustion. I had been up for twenty-four hours now and as much as I tried, I couldn't stay with any emotion for very long before my mind started drifting…drifting back to my charcoal wolf.

Later that day though, after I had slept most of it away, I thought again about my conversation with my mom and the anger shook me. Realizing it would be better to think about this outside of my house so if I exploded onto four paws I wouldn't break anything, I quickly scribbled a note to my mom telling her that I went for a walk and would be back in an hour. Then I raced outside into the woods.

My whole life I had always believed it was my mom's fault he wasn't around, that she was too crazy for anyone to really love. In reality it was him who had driven her to such extremes later in life, making promises about them together that he would not fulfill. I had no idea when, if ever, my mom would confide the whole truth to me about that relationship but one thing was clear: my father was to blame, not her. I knew only too well the truth that we cannot help who we love. We trust that person with nothing less than our whole selves. My dad had broken that trust and had broken my mom in the process.

In spite of the bitterness this realization brought, I also couldn't stop my thoughts from reminiscing about last night. I wondered where Collin was today, hoping that if I phased maybe he would find me. But a drawing was nagging at my mind, and I wanted to get it out on paper before it left. So I decided to wait until he came by the house tonight to try and talk to him.

Around 11 pm, when I was sure my mom had fallen asleep, I carefully stepped over the pencils and paper still scattered on the floor, and snuck downstairs out of the house; explaining to a wondering Embry as I passed that I was going to go talk to Collin for just a minute and I'd be right back.

It was a repeat of yesterday all over again. His mind was a scramble of shock as I phased and walked the long way around the house through the woods to meet him, securely hidden behind layers of dark fur and a muzzle.

"It's going to take you a while to get used to this," I reflected, "but I guess I haven't made it very easy on you." I tried to not let my mind wander to comparisons between my dad keeping his distance from my mom and me keeping mine from Collin. That train of thought would only make me angry.

"No, I mean, yes, it will take some time to get used to. But Mandy don't feel guilty that we're getting to know each other slowly. I was twice as old as you when we imprinted. I can't imagine how creepy it still is for you."

He turned as I came into sight, slowly walking over to meet me. "Hi…" came his smiling thoughts.

Now it was my turn to be overwhelmed as he ducked his head, briefly nuzzling the side of my face. He paced back and looked at me, waiting for my reaction.

"Hey…" was all I could get out for a full minute. "I didn't want to wait for the next patrol to see you."

"I'm glad you didn't. Three and four days are hard to wait to get some time with you."

His eyes were still locked on mine. It took me another minute to collect myself. So much for not crossing onto the dangerous ground of sharing our feelings because right at this moment I wanted to hear more, tell him more, be close again like last night. I took a step forward but then remembered that Embry was waiting for me inside. I needed to concentrate.

"Actually I wanted to talk about that. My mom kind of lost it when I came home at dawn this morning. I felt really bad about doing that to her so wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. I thought maybe instead of spending so much time together after patrol, we could space it out more and hang out on non-patrol nights as well."

I couldn't stand it. I broke my gaze and took another step forward. Now I could feel his breath on top of my head.

Collin had only the briefest mental stutter at my sudden nearness then replied, "That sounds great to me. This semester I'm doing a lot of course work and less lab work so my evenings and nights are fairly flexible, and my weekends are more or less free."

We talked some about his research and since it was Saturday tomorrow, agreed to meet in the afternoon. There was no paw holding tonight but as I left, I brushed along his side, leaning into him. An hour later as I was falling asleep, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to lean against Collin when we weren't phased. I wasn't ready for that but I couldn't help thinking about it all the same. In reality I still really appreciated the protection the wolf cloaks offered us.

A few days later though Collin broached this topic unintentionally, asking about my birthday and what my mom and Embry were planning. When I told him about the birthday dinner they had arranged with some of my old childhood acquaintances, I heard the regret in his thoughts when he realized he wouldn't be invited.

"It's not that I don't want you there, Collin. I love you. If I could spend my birthday with you running through the mountains, I would, but my mom is quite determined about this and I don't want to disappoint her…"I trailed off at the look in his eyes, which were almost ferocious in their intensity.

He took the step to close all the distance there was between us, forcing my head to be pressed against his chest, and then ducked his down on top of mine. "I love you too, Mandy. I will always love you."

We just sat there a moment in this wolfish embrace, me enjoying his breath on my neck, and him enjoying the closeness.

"Don't worry about your birthday dinner. I'll count on having many more birthdays with you that we can spend together human."

I struggled to free my head so I could look at him, my thoughts apologetic about needing the wolf disguise. But he wouldn't let me apologize.

"When you're ready Mandy. We have lots of time."

*****

Time was certainly going to have to be on our side. At my birthday dinner, I saw Rachel for the first time in probably almost a year. She had certainly changed, both physically and emotionally. All the necessary womanly curves had filled out on her now too. It was amusing to watch her revel in all these changes. I had long since gotten over the awkwardness of having an adult body.

After dinner she came up to my room and told me about how boys were looking at her chest and she couldn't help but like the attention. In fact all she talked about was boys and how many dates she'd gone on and which ones she's kissed. I smiled and nodded and waited for her to leave. I couldn't even begin to understand how she was so happy about all of this.

Unfortunately when she did decide to go and I walked her gratefully to the door, my mom was there so I couldn't get out of the invitation she gave to go the beach with her and other mutual acquaintances the following week. My mom was just thrilled to see me spend time with girls my age, my supposed friends according her.

Collin laughed when I summarized the evening for him and finished with, "apparently my mom has me pegged as some loner with a mystery boyfriend that I spend all night with from time to time."

"Well that's not as far off as you'd like to think. We should try to find you some real friends to hang out with Mandy."

"There's always Brady."

He barked a short laugh. "I meant girls. Human teenage girls. Have fun at the beach!" He teased and then bounded off.

Beach days came and went over the next year. I did hang out more with Rachel and another friend Meghan, who I had known once upon a time. Yet these times together always felt more like an obligation, a quota I should fill to be normal. It was nothing I enjoyed since I had so little in common with either of these girls. Their greatest ambition in life it seemed was to attract attention on the beach with stunning swimwear. Talking about an experiment I was excited about, or planning to take a class at U-Dub this summer was just not on their radar.

So when Rachel finally got a steady boyfriend half way through the year, I decided it would probably be better for me not to go to the beach anymore.

"It's insane. I know they mean as much to each other as the short lived byproducts of a high energy plasma reaction, but I have to admit, I'm jealous." I ranted to Collin one day when we were out near Seattle on one of our afternoon runs. "They're both the same age. And there's none of the confusion or pressure of imprinting."

He nudged me playfully, "I like imprinting."

"Well, but you know what I mean. You'll never be my boyfriend. Imprinting just skips over that part. So basically I'll never get to be silly with you on the beach, or go to the movies, or even show up at a school dance."

"Yes, but you can run to Seattle and back with me in one afternoon."

"Oh forget it." I was feeling stubborn, and being ridiculous. Collin was right. How could I feel sorry for myself?

"Did you want to go to a school dance?" He asked more seriously.

I thought about that a minute but all I could see was dancing out here in the forest. "No. But one day, maybe."

"I've been thinking about this. When you start at the U in a few semesters, we can go to dances there together. We look the same age." And then as an after thought he added, "If you're ready."

"I will be."

As I raced back home with him, I promised myself I would be ready. I didn't know when but it would be soon. We would not only be silly on the beach, but we would go cliff diving too, something Brady couldn't believe I still hadn't done.

Readiness came sooner than I expected. La Push and Makah's tribal councils decided to put on an art show together, celebrating our intertwined history. Although I hadn't initially thought about submitting my work, when I saw they were particularly interested in the legends of the wolves, I decided this was something I should do for my mom and Collin. Both of them only saw one side of me and it was time they both got to see the other side. I needed to stop hiding behind the wolf and just be Mandy, even if it was a little messy.

The exhibit would be up for a month, with a gallery event and a meet-the-artists night starting things off. Select pieces chosen by the artists would be sold at a silent auction opening night to help support community arts. I was shocked to find out that I was going to be the featured artist for the evening. My pieces were so revelatory and I didn't know if I could have both communities witness so much of the sordid chaos my life had been the past three years.

I wanted to tell Collin about the event before he read about it somewhere else, but apparently he had gotten the word as soon as I had because that night when we met, his thoughts were cautious as he congratulated me.

"How did you know?"

"My mom's on the art council Mandy. She couldn't stop telling me about this young artist here in La Push who just understood the Quileute people so well and who captured the beauty and the pain in every stroke." He laughed as I rolled my eyes at him. "Can I see them, please? Even if it's not at the opening event."

I had never shown Collin any of my artwork, it being more a history of me working out my feelings towards him than a history of the Quileute tribe. It was a shame that he had to see them with so many other eyes, that his mom had seen them first, but this was the opportunity I had been waiting for even if it wasn't how I had imagined it.

"Collin, come to the opening. I'll need the support."

His ears went back, defensively. "Are you sure? I mean of course I'll come if you want me there. But Mandy, are you sure?"

I stepped up and nuzzled him softly until he relaxed. "I want you there."