Summary: "Can't you just be there for the family for once?" Alternative Universe, College setting. Oh, and it's slash. Don't like? I suggest you don't read it. Kthx.
Pairing: AkuRoku, because that's what was wished for!
Warning: ... :/ Nothing worse than last chapter. Except the unreality of the whole situation. Cuz, really, which rape victim would willingly allow their rapist back into their bed? :D
Disclaimer: Meh. Maybe I should go to jail for what I'm doing to the characters. Luckily SquareEnix and Disney obviously don't deem fanfiction worth sueing.
Dedication: For my lovely muse, kotilo – This was supposed to be a birthday present, but of course it wasn't even nearly finished for her birthday. Knowing me, it might not even be finished until the next one… I hope you still enjoy it, love!
Axel nodded and turned around, feeling his heartbeat speed up only a little. He didn't dare to hope Roxas would just forgive him, but he had to at least try to apologize… He couldn't leave Roxas alone after…
…he had raped him…
… everything he had done; fate seemed to give him the opportunity to make things right, and he couldn't let it just go by.
Family Bonds – Chapter 11
His heart was hammering against his ribcage, his mind screaming at him to turn around and run away when he finally was standing in front of Roxas' apartment again, but he just reached out with a shaking hand and put the key into the lock, turning it slowly. The door opened with a quiet 'click'.
He could hear water running, but saw no light; not in the living room, or coming from the partly opened bathroom door. By now it was all dark outside, and also inside the apartment, but Axel didn't dare to turn on the lights. Half-blind, he fumbled his way to the bathroom, pushing the door open fully and entering the room. All he could hear was the running water and heavy, labored breathing, coming from the shower.
The sound alone made him suddenly feel dirty, filthy, sick, and he would have loved just to run away and take a shower and go to sleep and never wake up again… He felt so disgusted by himself, by his own actions, and he quickly crossed the dark room, nearly slipping once, and fumbled around for the faucet of the washing basin next to the shower, turning it on and holding his soiled, filthy hands under the stream of cold water… Oh God, but nothing would ever wash away the filth covering his soul…
He heard someone sniffle quietly and scrubbed his hands even harder, feeling tears burn behind his eyes but refusing to let them fall. He also splashed some water to his face, scrubbing it hard without caring about the pain when he rubbed the bruises Roxas had caused. He gathered some of the icy water in his hand to rinse his mouth, trying to get rid of the taste of blood on his tongue.
Only when he deemed at least his hands clean enough to touch another human being again he turned the water off and felt around for the shower curtain, pulling it back and reaching out. The water was icy cold and quickly drenched his jacket and shirt, but he somehow managed to turn it off.
There was a sound, a pained, choked, throaty moan in the dark, and Axel shivered, almost pulling back again. But he didn't, and his hands soon touched cold, shivering flesh. Roxas flinched away from his touch violently, sobbing once, breaking Axel's heart.
Without a word he pulled back again, trying to remember where Roxas had pulled out the towels from when Axel had been here the last time… There had been a cabinet somewhere, but where?
He still couldn't turn on the light, so he flopped down to his knees and crawled around on all fours until his searching hands felt the doors of the cabinet. He opened it and pulled out a fluffy towel, crawling back to the shower again.
His hands were shaking badly by now, his arms and knees feeling damp because the whole floor was wet; he didn't mind though, concentrating on the sniffling, moaning shadow huddled in the corner of the shower and draping the towel around it as well as he could without seeing anything.
"It's okay, Roxas," he whispered, and his heart broke even more when the shadow whimpered pathetically at the sound of his voice. "I'm sorry. I'm going to pick you up now, okay?"
Roxas didn't answer, but Axel didn't expect him to. His hands brushed over icy cold skin until he found Roxas' shoulders and legs, shoving one arm beneath the blond's knees and draping the other around Roxas' shaking shoulders so he could pick him up bridal style. Roxas cried out in pain and fear as Axel lifted the smaller man from the tiled ground, and Axel had to bite back a pained groan himself at hearing it.
He slowly made his way out of the bathroom, through the living room and into the bedroom without tripping, hearing Roxas pant against his neck, feeling his labored gasps on his skin and his slender body shake beneath the towel.
His eyes had long grown accustomed to the darkness, and he could see the outlines of Roxas' bed in the dark; sheets tangled and messed up, and the room was still reeking of their previous activities. He heard Roxas hitch a breath and wordlessly pressed his small body closer against his own in what he hoped was a calming manner, feeling it tremble more and more in his arms.
He gently lowered Roxas onto the bed, felt him flinch back from his touch, saw his dark silhouette curl up on the sheets, heard his breathing speeding up slightly. Sighing deeply he straightened up again and shuffled over to the window, opening it wide to get rid of the sickening reek of sex in the bedroom. The cool breeze felt soothing on his skin at first, but soon made him feel cold; he took a few deep breaths, trying to get that putrid smell out of his nose, and filling his lungs with the sweet night air. The town was quiet, so calm, so nothing like any city he had lived in before. It wasn't a town where such awful things could happen… It wasn't a town where a young man was hurt because another man had failed to keep his feelings in check.
There was a low hiss somewhere behind him, quiet rustling, a shuddering sigh. Finally Axel decided to turn on the lights, feeling around for the switch. He heard Roxas gasp surprised behind himself as he turned the light on, but it took him some time to actually look at him. His eyes were hurting because of the sudden brightness in the room.
He blinked a few times, finally looking back over his shoulder. Roxas was curled up on the bed, the towel hiding his body, legs drawn up and arms around his knees, face hidden in them as he continued to shake and shiver.
He had to be cold, Axel thought and grimaced slightly. And hurt. Of course.
For a while they stayed like this; Axel leaning against the wall, watching Roxas who didn't seem too intent to do anything but sitting there and shaking like a leaf. The towel slid from his shoulders at some point and pooled around him, but Roxas made no move to cover his bare skin.
"I…" Roxas finally whimpered and sniffed, still not looking up. "It seemed to be the… t-the only way to g-get c-close… t-to you…"
Axel didn't understand right away, but he was glad that Roxas had decided to talk to him at all. Sighing quietly he walked over to the bed and sat down, not too close to Roxas but close enough so he could touch him if he reached out.
"You were s-so different…" Roxas whispered weakly into his arms. "S-so extraordinary… But y-you always s-seemed so cold and… inapproachable… n-never noticed me in college, bec-… because I never dared to… n-never dared to even pass you in t-the hallway… I never thought… I would be able to come c-close t-to you…"
Now he moved, slumped, leaning back against the headboard, eyes still closed. Axel gasped distressed when he saw how red and sore Roxas' smooth skin was around his nether regions and on his thighs and stomach; as if he had tried to rub his skin right off his flesh there. Without thinking he reached out, pressing a cool hand against Roxas' stomach lightly; Roxas flinched, but didn't stop him, just sighed quietly. Cold water dripped from his hair and left wet trails on his otherwise so pale skin.
"I almost couldn't believe it when… when Kairi told me you w-were drawing me…" Roxas went on, turning his head to the side. Finally he opened his eyes, and they were horrible to look at; dull and still so lifeless, reddened and puffy. And yet they still were the single most beautiful thing Axel had ever seen. "I didn't know… I didn't know how to approach you, how… to get close, so I… offered myself to you. You seemed so c-cold, n-not interested in any form of relationship, s-so I… I…" He sobbed once, raising his shaking hands to his face and closing his eyes again. "And then… you said those nasty things… You… What you s-said made me feel like a whore, s-so dirty… so… But you… you were the only one I ever slept with without having… an actual relationship. I'm not… I'm not a slut…"
"No, no, you aren't, Roxas, I never thought that… I'm so sorry," Axel apologized hoarsely, but Roxas shook his head. Oh God no, he had never wanted to make Roxas think something like this…
"Of course, what were you supposed to think?" he muttered through his hands, and now his voice didn't sound as shaky anymore; for a moment Axel was tempted to believe the blond had calmed down, but the indifferent tone he said the next words in, albeit no longer shaky, was making them even worse. "I flirted with you all the time… I seduced you… even though I barely knew you. I… It was my idea to try this 'friends with benefits' thing, wasn't it? But I thought you knew… I thought that somehow you would see… what I really wanted…" His voice quieted down to a low whisper, and Axel barely understood his last words. "I wanted more than just sex, I wanted…"
They stayed silent for a while; Axel hated the troubled silence, but he didn't know how to break it. He kept watching Roxas, noticed the goose bumps on his arms and legs, felt his stomach rise and fall, Axel's hand still resting on the reddened skin. He sighed, skidded closer and grabbed the towel, raising it to drape it around Roxas' shoulders again, gently rubbing his arms.
"I knew you were watching me the past weeks," Roxas suddenly said, and now his voice sounded stronger than before. Axel stayed silent. He couldn't deny it anyway; Roxas had caught him staring. "I was trying to make you jealous."
"Really?" Axel asked softly, moving his arms to circle Roxas' shoulders and pulling him up a little, starting to rub his back through the towel. He had to get Roxas dry somehow… He felt way too cold…
"Only Riku knew though… The guy with the silver hair," Roxas explained. "He's Sora's and Kairi's friend actually, not mine. H-He noticed that I acted way friendlier around him than usual whenever I saw you. He… He said I should just t-talk to you, b-but I was s-so angry… I… I s-spent more time with him than usual, and more time with Hayner and the gang, just… j-just so I wouldn't be alone when… when I ran into y-you by accident. I wouldn't… I couldn't possibly have handled being alone with you, so I… asked them to stay close to me. A-And then I noticed you watching me, and I… I wanted to… t-to hurt you… I even flirted with Riku, and Naminé… Nami is one of my oldest friends, she… she was so surprised when… when I told her everything after I…" His voice broke. "… kissed her…" He obviously tried to say more, his mouth opening and closing again once, twice…
"I was jealous," Axel admitted shakily. "It killed me to see you with… them."
"Why did you come here?" Roxas asked, abruptly changing the topic. He suddenly opened his eyes again, staring at Axel as he grabbed his arm in a surprisingly strong grip. His voice grew higher with every word, hysterical and shrill as he shook Axel lightly. "I told you to stop, I begged you to, but you… You… you didn't even use a condom, you jerk, you… just… Why did you do it? Why did you… Why did you…?" Again his voice failed him. Axel felt a bitter lump form in his throat.
"I didn't want to hurt you," he answered, tasting the bitter tang of shame on his tongue. He hesitantly reached up to lay his hands on Roxas' cheeks, desperately trying not to falter as he looked into those endless pools of deepest blue. "Oh God, Roxas, you have to believe me… I never wanted to hurt you, I… I was so stupid, I'm so sorry, I was so hurt… because I saw you with them, I…"
He didn't know how to explain it. How could he possibly tell Roxas why he had done it, when he barely understood the reason himself? So he closed the gap between them instead, gently touching Roxas' soft, wet, so agonizingly irresistible lips with his own in a sweet, lingering kiss.
Roxas whined surprised, but didn't push him away. He didn't return the kiss either, but right now Axel was content with simply pressing his lips against Roxas', even though it stung a little as his lower lip still felt a bit tender from before. It was only a light touch, but he didn't need more. He couldn't do more, he couldn't touch Roxas, couldn't deepen their kiss after all he had done…
"I should have stopped you…" Roxas whispered after breaking the kiss, his lips still so close to Axel's he could feel every word. "I could have stopped you, but I…" He hiccupped, a strangely innocent, but so very distressed sound, it made Axel's heart clench painfully. "I could have stopped you… I didn't dare to, because… I thought you'd… I… Oh God, I wanted you, so bad…"
To his endless horror Axel suddenly felt something wet run over his hands, and he opened his eyes only to see tears pouring from Roxas' closed ones. Without thinking he leaned forward to kiss a tear away, tasted salt and felt disgusted by himself again for making Roxas cry.
"Am… Am I some kind of pervert, because I… didn't stop you? B-Because… I wanted you t-to touch me? I still want you," Roxas sobbed pitifully, all of a sudden flinging his arms around Axel and burying his face in Axel's coarse jacket. "I'm hurt and I'm so fucked up, I can't even think anymore, but I want you so bad. I should h-hate you, but I c-can't, because you're s-so irresistible…"
"I'm sorry," Axel whispered, kissing the top of Roxas' spiky head. He still felt cold, so cold… "Tell me what I can do… Tell me how I can… make you feel better…"
This time it was Roxas' hands on his cheeks, and he ignored the pain and just let himself get lost in the kiss, allowing Roxas to kiss him again and again and again… He didn't resist when Roxas' trembling hands slid into his jacket and shoved it off his shoulders.
"Make love to me," Roxas replied in a breathy whisper, and Axel's heart skipped a beat. He stared at the blond surprised, but one look into his eyes convinced him that Roxas was serious.
"I can't, I… I'll hurt you…" he tried to protest, but Roxas' fingers on his lips silenced him quickly.
"I want you to make love to me," he repeated, cold fingers brushing over Axel's bruised face gently. "I don't want just another fuck. Make love to me…"
Axel tried to come up with reasons why he couldn't do this; he racked his brain, but couldn't concentrate on it when suddenly Roxas' cold hands were slipping under his shirt, lifting it ever so slow…
"Make love to me, Axel," Roxas' husky voice reached his ears once more. "Show me I'm more to you than just a quick fuck."
Axel opened his mouth, tried to… to explain, that Roxas was more, so much more than a quick fuck, that he couldn't do this because it would only hurt Roxas, and he couldn't hurt Roxas even more… But his traitorous body already reacted to Roxas' feather-light touch, he felt hot and wanted nothing more than to reach out, pull Roxas closer, and…
"I can't," he whispered and grabbed Roxas' hands, forcing them away from his body. It felt so wrong to do that, but he had to do it, even though it killed him to keep the beautiful blond from touching him.
"You can. You must," Roxas disagreed with him and suddenly crawled forward, the towel sliding from his shoulders again as he reached up to pull Axel into a gentle embrace; he straddled the redhead, his movements still cautious, and he silenced Axel's protests by sealing his lips with a kiss.
Axel loathed himself for not being strong enough to resist; the delicious pressure of soft lips on his, the exquisite taste of the young man kissing him, the soft sigh he heard Roxas utter between two kisses when Axel's warm hands touched his cold skin, slowly sliding down his arms, it was maddening; he groaned into Roxas' mouth, allowed his eyes to slide shut when Roxas lowered his body onto Axel's lap, causing the redhead to jerk, breathing to hitch and hands to tighten their hold on Roxas' arms.
"I… I don't want t-to hurt… you…" Axel whispered, still desperately trying to hold back. He opened his eyes again, seeing Roxas stare at him and feeling his resolve crumble slowly under his deep blue gaze.
"Then be gentle," Roxas simply said, and his hands grabbed hold of Axel's shirt again, lifting it again, cold hands brushing over his skin… Axel gasped, couldn't help but jerk back, but made no move to stop Roxas this time; he just raised his arms obediently when Roxas tugged at the fabric again, and Roxas pulled the shirt over his head swiftly and flung it to the side before his cold hands returned to Axel's shoulders.
Axel shuddered, but he let his own hands slide over Roxas' head, cheeks, neck, shoulders and arms when he lowered his arms; he felt Roxas shiver too, but he couldn't tell if it was because of the touch or the cold. Roxas' skin still felt unhealthily chilled.
Axel closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself down; he needed to stay calm, he needed to hold back, he had to do this right…
"Don't make me do that, Roxas," he pleaded, keeping his eyes closed even as he heard Roxas gasp and felt the blond starting to shiver quite badly; when Roxas tried to pull back he quickly circled the smaller man's waist with his arms to hold him in place. "I can't do it. It… would still hurt…"
"I… I can take a little pain," Roxas replied, his strained voice carrying a note of stubbornness and defiance.
"No," Axel said and shook his head before he leaned forward to rest his forehead on Roxas' cold shoulder. "It would be too painful. I… I just can't do it, not yet…"
"So you r-rape me, a-and then you… y-you don't want m-me anymore?" Roxas whispered choked; he sounded borderline hysterical, and Axel involuntarily tightened his hold on him. "You…"
"No, Roxas, no," Axel interrupted him, finally looking up again. What he saw made him want to die; tears were shimmering in Roxas' somewhat unfocused eyes, and the expression on his face was hurt and confused and heartbroken.
"No," the redhead repeated in a low, broken voice, raising one hand to touch Roxas' face. He couldn't tear his gaze away, as much as he wanted to; because it hurt, it hurt so much to look at Roxas… "I… I do, Roxas, I do! I want you… so badly, I… I just can't…" He almost moaned the next words, closing his eyes again briefly as he let them roll off his tongue, relishing their sound and the tingly feeling they left on his lips. "… make love to you… Not until you… Oh, Roxas, you need to recover first…"
"You don't want me…" Roxas whimpered, raising his hands to pull at his wet hair. Axel quickly grabbed them to keep the blond from tearing his hair out.
"I do, Roxas, believe me!" he repeated desperately, bringing Roxas' cold hands to his lips to kiss them, sighing and pressing them against his hurting cheek. "But… I can't… You're hurt, and confused…"
"I'm so cold," Roxas sobbed, ripping his hands away to hug himself, bending forward until his head rested on Axel's shoulder, wet hair tickling Axel's skin. "Oh please, Axel, I'm so cold…" Harsh sobs made his slender body jerk, and Axel was at a loss what to do for a moment.
Then he sighed, cupped Roxas' chin with one hand and forced the blond to look up to him. And he closed his eyes as he leaned down to kiss Roxas again.
This time the kiss was all but chaste and sweet; this time Axel needed to prove to Roxas that he was wrong… that he did want him. When Roxas gasped surprised Axel took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, still very cautiously; he didn't want to scare Roxas after all, just show him, just make him understand… He let his tongue glide over Roxas' smooth bottom lip, drawing it back again only when he briefly pulled away. He sucked in a sharp breath before he pressed his lips against Roxas' once more. This time he didn't stop at Roxas' lips though; he forced his tongue into Roxas' warm mouth, all but moaning when it slid against wet, soft muscle. That taste… sweet and spicy, so addicting…
Roxas tensed up at first, but soon relaxed against Axel, shyly starting to kiss back; he laid his head back obediently when Axel gently tugged at his hair and gasped when Axel left butterfly kisses all over his tear-stained face and his throat.
"You're killing me, Roxas," Axel whispered hoarsely, and he bit his lip at the delicious shiver that ran through Roxas' body at his words. "Can… I touch you? Please?"
"Yes, yes," Roxas replied breathlessly, but Axel shook his head.
"I don't want to scare you… I don't want to hurt you…" Axel placed a tender little kiss on Roxas' shoulder before he finished his request. "So… If I touch you now, can you promise me not to touch me?"
"Axel…" Roxas pulled back a little to look at him, but Axel avoided his eyes and looked to the side. He wouldn't be able to hold back any longer if he looked into Roxas' beautiful eyes. It was hard enough as it was, with Roxas still sitting on him… so close, so fucking close and yet so unreachable, so untouchable, so forbidden…
"Promise me that you… won't try anything," he insisted, licking his suddenly very dry lips when Roxas shifted on his lap. He closed his eyes, clenching his hands behind Roxas' back nervously. "I… I'll just… leave if you can't promise me that. I can't risk hurting you again…"
"Axel…" Roxas sighed his name again, and now Axel could feel the other man breathe a gentle kiss onto his cheek, right onto the tattoo beneath his eye. "I promise. Anything… Just stay, don't go…"
His shy plea was all Axel needed.
Roxas didn't resist anymore when Axel forced him down, gently lowering him onto the bed; he just closed his eyes and turned his head to the side, his hands sliding from Axel's shoulders to rest next to his head on the pillow. Axel couldn't help but stare at him for a moment; so stunning, so beautiful, so broken and hurt and perfect…
Axel's heart clenched painfully inside his chest as he thought of how he had defiled such beauty; he was leaning over Roxas, his face hovering only mere centimeters over Roxas' now calm one, and he reached up to let one finger glide over Roxas' serene face before he lowered his head, pressing a tender kiss onto Roxas' forehead, his closed eyes, his cute nose, his cheeks, his jaw, he felt Roxas gasp for air but couldn't kiss him now. Oh, he yearned for Roxas' sweet lips, but not yet. He needed to show Roxas how much he meant to him; he needed to worship him like he deserved, needed to make the pain he had caused mere moments ago go away…
He closed his eyes and pressed his lips against the sensitive skin beneath Roxas' ear, staying like this for a moment, just breathing in… Oh, Roxas' scent was addicting, and he tasted even sweeter, and…
"I'm so sorry," he whispered, guilt choking him and making his voice break… Roxas' only answer was a hand running through Axel's spiky hair. Axel winced at the touch, kissing Roxas' neck again and feeling tears well up in his eyes.
He didn't understand why Roxas let him touch him again… He couldn't understand how Roxas could still stand his presence, he didn't… he didn't understand why Roxas still wanted him…
"I'm so sorry, Roxas… so sorry…" he sobbed quietly, finally working up the courage to look up again. His vision was rather blurry, but still he could see the almost indiscernible smile on the other man's lips. Roxas still didn't say anything, but he kept looking at Axel like he… trusted Axel.
Oh God, how could he just look at Axel like that?
Axel sighed shakily and pressed his forehead against Roxas' cheek, closing his eyes again and forcing the tears back. He concentrated on feeling Roxas, rather than looking at him, first running his hand up and down Roxas' arm (so cold, he still felt so cold…), then over his chest, feeling Roxas' heart beating, even faster than his own… The feeling of Roxas' skin was so unbelievable, and he needed to feel more of it, lowering his body so their naked chests were touching. Roxas sighed beneath him, reaching up to lace his slender fingers with Axel's hair.
"I'm so cold, Axel," Roxas breathed into his ear, and Axel immediately pressed harder against him, gasping at the wonderful, terribly familiar feeling of desire overcoming him again. Roxas' hands slowly trailed down his back, stopping at the hem of Axel's pants…
"No…" Axel just said, reaching down to grab one of Roxas' hands and bringing it up to his lips, kissing the inside of Roxas' wrist. "Just… wait… Let me… let me try to make this right. Please don't… don't make me hurt you… You promised…"
Roxas smiled shyly, and it was the most adorable thing Axel had ever seen, but at the same time made another pang of sorrow rip his wounded heart into shreds. The blond nodded, letting his hands drop onto the pillow again.
Axel took a deep breath before he brought his lips to Roxas' neck again, slowly kissing a path down, finally feeling Roxas' skin growing warmer… he reached up, pressing one flat hand against Roxas' chest before sliding it down Roxas' side until it reached a slim hip, while bracing himself over the smaller man with the other.
He placed lingering, wet kisses all over Roxas' shoulders, collarbone and neck, letting his tongue dart out between his lips ever so often to get a better taste of the blond. He felt Roxas shiver, heard him moan, and his fingers dug deeply into Roxas' flesh… and Roxas' hips jerked upwards, pressing against Axel's, not intentionally, he knew, but oh so relieving… so making him ache for more…
Roxas was already hard, and he moaned again, louder this time, lifting his hips off the bed to grind against Axel. At least he tried to… Axel held him down, pressing his face against Roxas' heaving chest for a moment to calm himself and the unbelievable heat spreading from the part of his body Roxas had touched unintentionally, before he resumed showering the smaller man's body with gentle nips and kisses.
He slowly moved down, down, his hand still gripping Roxas tightly. He could only think about satisfying Roxas, about making Roxas feel good, wanted, loved, never minding his own needs. He could wait. He could restrain himself, for Roxas, for his Roxas, he wouldn't hurt him again; he would not let his desire get the better of him, not this time.
The skin on Roxas' stomach felt strikingly hot compared to other parts of his body, and Axel tried to hold back and be gentle when he kissed the blond there; it made him go insane, to think of Roxas sitting alone in the dark, in the shower, and trying to get rid of the evidence of the disgusting things Axel had done to him…
He felt Roxas flinch when his lips connected with the sore skin, and he almost wanted to stop… He looked up, and he was rewarded with the sight of Roxas, blue eyes half-lidded and full lips parted, hands fisting in the pillow, chest heaving and a small, protesting moan escaping him at the loss of contact.
"So beautiful…" Axel breathed in awe, and he watched utterly captivated as Roxas smiled, biting his lip when his cheeks reddened a little. Axel's trembling hands drew shaky circles on Roxas' hips as he looked down again. He drank in the marvelous sight of the beautiful young man, letting his eyes travel over the whole expanse of Roxas' exposed body, and suddenly he wondered again how he deserved to be even near such an angelic creature…
"You are so… beautiful…" he repeated shakily before he nervously moistened his lips with his tongue and leaned down again.
He had never done this before (well, not with a man at least, and usually he had been on the receiving end…), so he didn't really know if he was doing it right when he took the tip of Roxas' member into his mouth. Judging the way Roxas uttered a surprised, strangled cry and the way his hips jerked upwards, it had felt good…
Axel pulled back, a little taken aback at Roxas' sudden movement, and quickly applied more pressure to Roxas' hip to keep the smaller man from doing that again… His other hand brushed over Roxas' erection lightly, just the very tips of his fingers grazing the hot flesh teasingly before he curled them around it.
"Nnnnnnh…" Roxas moaned and arched his back the best he could with Axel holding him down; his hands closed around the pillow so tightly his knuckles turned white. Axel couldn't really see his expression from his position, but he didn't need to; just the sound of Roxas' erratic breathing was enough to turn him on so badly, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to contain himself if he saw Roxas' face right now.
He closed his eyes and licked his lips again, repeating what he had done earlier, his hand squeezing lightly; again he had to pull back when Roxas tried to buck up into his mouth once more, his hand on Roxas' hip pressing harder against it.
When he was sure his hold on Roxas was enough to keep him down securely he started to move his hand; up and down, squeezing ever so slightly when it moved down, loosening its grip when moving up, repeating the motion over and over again… He felt shaking hands running through his hair, raking over his scalp, then fisting around his spikes and pulling, and a frustrated whimper reached his ears.
Never ceasing his hand's movements, but still keeping them agonizingly slow, he bent his head to kiss the tip of Roxas' arousal; he kept his mouth closed the first time, just pressing his lips against the hot skin, but the second time he opened his mouth and allowed the tip of his tongue to glide over the head of Roxas' throbbing member. He tasted something… salty and weird, but he curiously licked Roxas again, allowing his lips to apply just a little more pressure this time.
"Nnnnnghhh… aaaaaah, oh God…" Roxas groaned, and his hands on Axel's head tightened their grip. If he was keeping up making those noises, Axel was sure he would never get rid of that painful hard-on again, regardless how often he would jerk off to the memory of those lovely sounds…
Axel pulled back a little, allowing his lips to stay connected with Roxas' heated skin as he tried to catch his breath; his heart was beating painfully fast, and he could feel every single heartbeat all the way down to his pants, his own desire making it hard to think. His hand on Roxas' hip twitched, aching to touch his own body the same way he was touching Roxas, with slow, pleasurable strokes…
He swallowed thickly, tried to get rid of those fantasies by concentrating on Roxas; the panting, moaning, writhing, very incarnation of his most exciting fantasies. He took one deep breath before he took Roxas into his mouth again, deeper this time, as deep as he could without choking, his hand still caressing the part his mouth couldn't reach. Roxas mewled softly, which sounded oddly muffled; Axel guessed the blond was burying his face in the pillow somehow to keep the volume of his sounds of pleasure down. Not that he cared; he would have loved to hear Roxas cry out in ecstasy.
He didn't exactly know what to do with his tongue, so he slid it up and down the hard length inside his mouth the best he could. It still tasted weird, so different from the rest of Roxas' body, but to tell the truth, Axel was too occupied by the loud, drawn-out moan his actions elicited from the blond to pay the odd taste any heed. It wasn't even that unpleasant, just… weird.
He tightened his lips around Roxas, slowly moving up, sucking lightly as he did, dragging his tongue lazily over the vein on the underside of Roxas' member. This time he was prepared when Roxas tried to buck into his mouth again and held him down firmly.
Axel started to bob his head, in a slightly faster pace than his hand had caressed Roxas before. He alternated between sucking firmly and licking precum off the tip, tried to do what he thought would make Roxas feel good… Roxas was soon reduced to a squirming, moaning mess, his hands desperately raking through Axel's hair or running over the hands holding his hip in place; the muscles in his thighs tense, his abs clenching with every hard suck, his voice switching from moaning to sobbing, to crying out once, twice…
Axel continued to pleasure the younger man until he felt the stiff length inside his mouth twitch at a particularly hard suck; salvia was running down the hot skin, making things slick and easy when he brought one hand to Roxas' erection again to stroke him in time with the now faster movements of his mouth. He felt one hand being pulled out of his hair and felt the trembling body beneath him shift slightly while the remaining hand cupped his skull, slender fingers flexing nervously.
He opened his eyes and looked up without suspending his movements; his eyes immediately met hazy blue ones. Roxas was watching him, propped up on one elbow, his eyes unbelievably wide, his cheeks flushed and his pouty lips parted, glossy, moist with salvia; he licked his lips, wetting them even more, and swallowed hard when he noticed Axel was looking at him.
Axel couldn't help but groan at the sight, feeling his eyes widen slightly; Roxas looked so hot, so tempting, so… enticing, and now his eyes closed and his beautiful face contorted to a mask of pure rapture and bliss…
"A-Axel…" he gasped, his whole body jerking again when Axel lowered his head again to take more of Roxas into his mouth, never taking his eyes off the blond's face. How alluring, to see the fine sheet of sweat glistening on his brow, eyelids fluttering nearly closed and eyes rolling back until Axel could no longer see any blue in them, small mouth forming a perfect 'o', Adam's apple bobbing as the blond swallowed, tried to find the right words. "I… I'm…"
Axel didn't think twice, but sucked Roxas' length even deeper into his mouth, moving his hand to fondle Roxas' balls while he swallowed around hot, twitching flesh.
Roxas cried out loudly, his hand clenching around Axel's head and trying to shove him down, hips bucking upwards at the same time, and Axel nearly choked; but he continued to move up and down Roxas' length, sucking greedily and trying to swallow as much as possible as Roxas came into his eager mouth. His eyes slid shut at the erotic sound of Roxas all but sobbing his name; salvia and cum dribbled from his wet lips and down over pulsating flesh and his jerking hand; the taste and consistency of the hot liquid inside his mouth was salty and bitter and thick and unfamiliar, but alluring nonetheless, because it was Roxas' taste…
Roxas' jerky movements stilled slowly, and his moans died down as well, and he fell back onto his pillow, breathing fast and keeping his eyes closed. He seemed utterly spent, exhausted… He groaned when Axel finally released him, sticky liquid still dripping from the redhead's mouth and onto the blond's softening member and his stomach before Axel licked his lips and swallowed the last remains of Roxas' cum.
Axel rose on all fours, panting for air, eyes dilated and not actually seeing anything; the experience of seeing, hearing, feeling and, oh, tasting Roxas' climax was leaving him so torturously unsatisfied… He didn't dare to look up, and sure as hell he could not look down either; staring at Roxas' belly was agonizing enough, along with the gentle sound of their heavy breathing, the smell, the heat…
Damn, he just couldn't stop his eyes from following the trail of milky white liquid on Roxas' skin…
Mindlessly he leaned down and dragged his tongue over Roxas' stomach, licking up the last traces of the younger man's orgasm, groaning at the foreign, yet now so familiar taste. Roxas gasped and flinched beneath him, and it was enough to double, no, triple the sheer agony of not being able to do what he really wanted.
Oh, he wanted to satisfy Roxas, but in a wholly different way; he wanted to grant him his wish, he wanted to… make love to him, like the blond had begged him to earlier. The mere memory of the desperate plea was enough to make him groan again, and with a shaky sigh he lowered his forehead onto Roxas' stomach, squeezing his eyes closed. His trembling hands fisted around the sheets as he tried to keep himself in check and calm the passion raging inside his body.
It was futile; every breath he took made him take in Roxas' scent, every time he swallowed he could still taste Roxas, and closing his eyes had probably been the dumbest thing to do; all he could feel now was the warmth of Roxas' skin, all he could hear was Roxas' soft panting, and all he wanted to do was love him, even though he knew he would never deserve it, because he could never be forgiven for what he had done…
"Axel…?" Roxas' tired, satisfied voice called out for him softly; Axel opened his eyes, still pressing his forehead against Roxas' warm skin, and nodded slowly, placing a gentle kiss on Roxas' stomach. He grimaced when his lips connected with Roxas' skin; his whole body seemed to be throbbing with raw lust, aching for the release that he knew would not come to him tonight.
"Yes?" he rasped out, unable to mask the desire tainting his voice.
"Did you… swallow… everything?" came Roxas' hesitant, timid question, and Axel felt a strained, desperate grin tug at his lips. He could clearly picture the shy blush rising into Roxas' face.
"Yes," he answered and cut the rest of the words that threatened to spill from his mouth off by slowly sucking on a very delicious patch of skin just above Roxas' navel. He knew that if he hadn't done that, he would have blurted out his dirty, shameful secret; that he needed release so badly, that he wanted to be inside Roxas, that he wanted to feel Roxas' warmth all around his pulsing member, that he wanted to make love to him and that he could no longer think about the pain Roxas still had to be in…
"But that's… You didn't have to… I mean…" Roxas spluttered, and even though Axel still couldn't look at him, it was obvious the blond was embarrassed.
"I wanted to," he replied, nuzzling Roxas' soft skin and slowly lowering his body onto Roxas'; he didn't mind the sticky feeling where his chest touched Roxas' nether regions, the distraction of his tremendous arousal pressing into the mattress clearing his mind of every other thought. He kept staring to the side, his hands lying limply on the sheets on either side of Roxas' body, his cheek pressing against a taut stomach, his breathing heavy and labored.
He felt Roxas shift beneath him and bit down on the inside of his cheek to hold back a frustrated groan at the marvelously torturous feeling of skin sliding against skin, his hands clenching and unclenching around the sheets, still shaking a little.
"Are… Are you okay, Axel?" Roxas whispered, and Axel could feel a hand touch his hair hesitantly.
"… fine," Axel replied, but he knew that his voice sounded too strained to make his answer believable. Roxas stayed silent for a while, and Axel took the chance to close his eyes and try to clear his head of the way too exciting thoughts ghosting through it.
"You're not finished yet, are you?"
… Well, and there went his resolve. Axel flinched at the sound of Roxas' voice, pressing his lips together and forcing himself to breathe through his nose to keep a loud moan inside.
"I'm… fine…" he finally forced out through gritted teeth. "Just… give me a minute…"
Again Roxas moved; it seemed like he had propped himself on his elbows, about to sit up.
"But… Axel, I could…" the blond started, but Axel shook his head wildly, red spikes flying around his head. He reached up, pressing both hands against Roxas' chest and shoving him back down into the mattress, his breathing speeding up again at the feeling of Roxas' warm skin beneath his hands.
"Oh fuck, Roxas, just don't move, okay?" he muttered tensely. "I'll be fine… I just… need a minute to calm down…"
"But…"
With a frustrated growl Axel rose to his knees again, crawling back a little and sitting on the bed as far from Roxas as possible, absolutely refusing to look at the blond. He tried to be cautious, awkwardly swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, but his fast movements just made his tight pants irritate his still erect member, causing him to double over as painful pleasure jolted through his body. He stayed like this for a while, bent forward, panting for air, eyes wide and unseeing, before he clumsily fumbled the buttons of his pants open to relieve at least some of the maddening pressure. His breath hitched in his throat as his long fingers accidentally brushed over the silky fabric of his boxers; the only barrier between his hand and his hot, hard arousal…
He slowly straightened up again, reaching up to grab fistfuls of his spiky hair and pull at it to occupy his hands. It took all of his willpower to slow down his rapid breathing, and probably even more to will his hot, aroused body to calm down again. He just thanked every higher entity that would listen that Roxas didn't try to speak up or, yet worse, touch him.
When he finally felt calm enough to look back again, it surprised him to find a gentle, shy smile on Roxas' lips. The blond was sitting upright, leaning against the headboard of his bed, his legs bent and his arms resting on his knees.
He looked so sweet, maybe even sweeter than Axel had ever seen him before, with his mussed hair and still slightly flushed skin; his eyes were shining brightly, radiant in their beauty.
They stayed silent for a while, just gazing into each other's eyes. Axel was the first one to break eye-contact, clearing his throat nervously and looking forward again, plucking at the sheets.
"I… should go," he muttered, and it felt like this was the most painful thing he had ever had to say in his life.
But it was true. That he had given Roxas a… blowjob didn't make the hurtful things he had done before undone. He didn't deserve to stay. He should just…
"Don't go," Roxas whispered, and Axel felt the mattress shift slightly; he tried to turn around but was kept from doing so when two slender arms closed around his torso, still slightly damp, golden hair tickling his neck when Roxas pressed his face against Axel's shoulder. "Stay with me."
"I d-don't think that's a good… idea," Axel retorted and swallowed, feeling Roxas' warm, naked body press against his back. He barely managed to squelch the overwhelming, disgusting, inept desire that stirred deep inside him again.
"Please, Axel…" Roxas murmured and gently kissed Axel's neck, just beneath the hairline. "Don't leave me alone…"
Oh, great, just great. How could he possibly say no to that? He knew it was a bad idea – knew it – but Roxas' voice had sounded so soft, so lost, so pleading, he… he couldn't just ignore it.
But what if he was tempted to try something during the night… or… if Roxas came to realize that he hated Axel after the aftereffects of his orgasm wore off? What if Axel woke up to that cold, disgusted look again? He doubted he would survive that…
"Couch?" he croaked, allowing his eyes to slide shut when Roxas kissed the same spot again.
"Here," Roxas clarified. "With me." He moved his face upwards, buried his nose in Axel's hair and inhaled deeply, making the redhead shiver.
Axel could come up with a hundred reasons why he should leave; not only had he insulted Roxas, he had also taken advantage of him more than once, had used him, had hurt, raped him… But he just couldn't voice even one of them, because he didn't want to remind Roxas of it, now that he was so fragile and hurt…
"O-Okay," he whispered instead, cursing his heart for picking up speed. Stupid thing. It wouldn't last; Roxas would hate him in the morning. Why get his hopes up?
He gently brushed Roxas' hands off his body and stood, crossing the room to turn off the lights. Only when darkness securely hid him from Roxas' eyes he allowed his shoulders to slump and his face to contort into a grimace of pain and doubt; he didn't move for a moment, desperately trying to hold back hot tears of frustration welling up in his eyes. But then he let them go, just concentrated on staying quiet, so Roxas wouldn't notice his distress; he wouldn't see the tears anyway.
He stalked back to the bed in the dark, listening to the quiet rustling of the sheets when Roxas crawled under them. He sat down at the edge, finally disposing of his shoes – had he really not gotten rid of them yet? – and peeling himself out of his pants before he joined Roxas.
He didn't really dare to do anything; he didn't want to reach out and touch Roxas, because he feared it might be too much, too fast, too intimate yet. And to be honest, he didn't trust himself completely around Roxas either.
But soon he felt a hesitant touch on his chest, and he sighed; Roxas' hand glided upwards, until it reached his cheek. The one Roxas had hit before. It still stung a little when nimble fingers ghosted over his skin, but Axel didn't mind at all. He was too occupied by the warm, delicate feeling the light touch caused. So different from what he had felt before; not hungry, irresistible, all-consuming passion, but calm, gentle, heart-breaking tenderness for the gorgeous blond.
And then he felt movement, heard soft rustling, and suddenly warm lips pressed against his own; he gasped into Roxas' open mouth, frozen in shock, but never even thinking of pushing Roxas away.
He let Roxas kiss him, slowly, loving, and couldn't stop his hands reaching up, tangling themselves in Roxas' hair. He moved his lips cautiously, and he was rewarded with a soft sigh, a smile against his lips, a little more pressure, a warm, wet tongue tracing his bottom lip.
After what seemed like an eternity Roxas pulled back, only to lean down once more to kiss Axel's cheek; the redhead flinched, gasped, and felt a suppressed sob choking him slowly.
"Don't cry," Roxas whispered in the dark, and Axel knew he had tasted his tears, now feeling even worse than before. "I forgive you."
Those words made Axel snap; finally releasing the strained sob from his tight throat he reached out and laid his arms around Roxas, pulling him close and holding him tight as he placed one soft kiss after another on top of the smaller man's head. Finally he buried his face in Roxas' golden locks and just took in his clean scent, no longer caring about the tears leaking from his closed eyes, but concentrating on the warm body in his arms, until he felt Roxas relax in his tender embrace and black tiredness disabled his ability to think or feel.
Quick Note: Still not satisfied with it. *pouts*
Anyway! I'm happy to inform you that this story is already finished, beta'd and waiting for me to post it. Which means, all of you who read this story, look forward to more updates soon.
Oh, and thanks for the reviews! :D They are balm for my messed up mind and soul.