The bathroom lights woke her, stark in the dim room. A bright, cold shaft of reality piercing the fog that had already started to dissipate in the empty bed. There was water running. The smell of toothpaste. La'an was already dressed. Chapel watched her pull on her uniform tunic in the darkness, feel around for an elastic as she started tying her braids. It was a beautiful process. Fast and efficient and automatic, like putting on armour, tying her back into someone who wouldn't care. Who was impervious to the outside world.
She was going to work. She was going to leave.
La'an's eyes found her, bright with a reflected strip of sterile lighting. "I have a briefing."
The ship was silent. It was early. "Why?" Maybe someone had come to their senses. Maybe they had found a way to…
"It won't be anything good."
No. Of course it wouldn't.
"I'm sorry. If I could stay…"
"It's fine."
"It's not. No one gets to tell you it is." La'an's hands worked down the braids in silence. Over on the table, a quiet alert lit up her PADD. "I have to go." She tied off her ponytail, pulling it tight against her scalp as she stepped closer, knee dipping the mattress to press a kiss against Chapel's temple. "Talk to Una. And tell M'Benga you need some time. Because if you don't, I will. Ok?"
"Ok."
"Good." Warm fingers ghosted against her hair. "I'll find you."
And then she was gone, and Chapel was left to breathe in the sudden, winding domesticity of it amid the gaping emptiness of yet another impossible new day.
/
Erica was waiting outside her door, hand raised to push the entry chime. She did a mild double take at Chapel's bare feet, her tousled hair, the brushed cotton pyjamas she hadn't bothered to exchange for yesterday's clammy workout clothes.
"Nice look." Erica's tone was light, but her eyes were wary. Chapel couldn't blame her. She'd been a monster yesterday. She wasn't at all sure she'd do any better today.
"Don't you have a briefing?"
Erica shrugged, taking a step back to let her unlock the door. "Looks like they don't need the pilot for this one."
"Do you know what it's about?"
"No. But it won't be anything good."
Which was exactly what La'an had said. As if Starfleet had some kind of code. Erica followed her into her silent quarters uninvited. Everything was where it should be, bar the mess tray left abandoned on the table, and the cloak, shimmering like oil over the back of a chair. Everything in order. Screechingly wrong. Chapel was suddenly glad that Erica was here, that La'an hadn't let her come home last night. She had no idea what she might do left alone here with a whole bunch of objects that would smash.
"It's early." Erica didn't do early.
"Yeah, well…" Erica rubbed at the back of her neck, eyes flitting around the room before fixing on the floor. She sighed. "I didn't even see the kid. Are you…"
"I'm fine." It was out before she could bite it back, angry and sharp, as if volume alone could make it true. She went to push yesterday's rumpled clothes into the hamper, yank something fresh out of her wardrobe. As if any of it mattered. As if the uniform would do any good. Her badge was still on the table. She turned for it to find Erica lifting the cloak off the chair, running the fabric between her fingers.
"What's…"
"Don't!" It came out louder than it should have, harsh in a way she couldn't control as she snatched it out of Erica's faltering grasp. "You can't, that's, it's not…"
"Hey, whoa, easy." Erica's hands had came up placatingly. "Just looking. I'm not here to break anything."
Chapel hugged the thing to her chest, gripping so hard it hurt. The pain was grounding, nails under cloth, every muscle tight. Erica wouldn't see. Even if she'd sparked it into life, she didn't know what it was. Didn't know what it did. The only thing giving her away right now was her own irrational panic, and that was something she could control. All you had to do was breathe. "I'm sorry."
"I just came to see how you were. I can go, if…"
"No." She couldn't be here alone. "I'm sorry. I just…"
Erica watched her, worried and uncharacteristically hesitant. "Come and get breakfast. It's early, it'll be quiet."
Breakfast. She could do breakfast. It would be healthy. It would be sane. She just had to breathe. And smile. People liked it when she smiled. It always worked. She forced in a breath. "Ok, just, give me ten minutes, I'll…"
She hung the cloak carefully over the towel rail and stared hard into the bathroom mirror, applying her makeup with hands that shook intractably with every unsteady breath. Focus. Just focus. Get dressed, fix her hair. Ignore the thoughts that threatened to flash behind her eyes, the way the soft brushed cotton caught at her chest as she folded it away. She just had to smile, and none of it would be real. She could go with Erica, and sit in the mess hall…
Breathe.
She pressed the lights off before she could catch her face in the mirror, the chasm gaping behind her eyes. She would sit in the mess hall, and smile, and she would be fine.
/
There was coffee. The smell of it helped. The familiarity of it. Even if caffeine probably wasn't the best choice right now. Chapel stared into her cup to avoid having to deal with the eggs she'd ordered, slowly congealing into rubber on the plate. Erica sat and poked at blueberry waffles, uneasy in the expanse of the quiet hall, her eyes caught on Chapel's badge where the points pressed divots into her fingers.
"You weren't wearing that yesterday."
"I took it off."
"Are you going to put it back on?"
Chapel stared at the bright metal, the little etched insignia she'd been so delighted to receive last year, back when she hadn't known that the endless circle stood for death without reason. That the polished sheen of it covered a tarnish that would never buff out. None of this was real. All of it was wrong. She'd come to mess with genetics in a galaxy that had moved beyond war, on a ship that would reach for the furthest stars. No one had told her even peace demanded tribute. That their shining flagship would simply stand and watch. Turn tail and run. That all of it was lies. "No."
Erica didn't seem to know what to do with that, just dropped her gaze to focus back on her half-eaten breakfast. "Look…"
"It's fine." Chapel pushed her chair back hard, swallowing the last of her coffee so she could buss her untouched tray.
"Hey…"
"Thanks, for… You tried, ok? I have work to finish." There was nothing more to say anyway. She was done here. All the bridges could burn.
/
Chapel had expected sickbay to be empty, but M'Benga was already there, buried in research under the large extraction hood. Nurse Kamau was racking expired ampules for the matter recycler.
"What's he working on?"
Idrissa shrugged, glancing at the doctor over their shoulder. "Whatever it is, it's taken most of the night. If he doesn't stop soon, I think he might start blowing stuff up."
"Is it for the kid?" There was no way she was calling a sentient being 'the first servant'. Absolutely no way.
"I thought so, but then… It looks like he's running simulations, a cure for something. It doesn't fit."
Maybe he'd worked out something they hadn't. Something that could help.
"Maybe you could…" Idrissa made a face, motioning towards M'Benga with their head.
"What?"
"He won't listen to me, but he needs a break. And you are his favourite."
She was. It was one of the reasons she was here. Chapel watched his shoulders slump as a set of readouts turned red on the worktop's embedded screen. She pinned her badge back on carefully. She was his favourite, and this was her job.
/
Sickbay stayed mercifully quiet as the day wore on. Chapel stared at readouts until her eyes burned. M'Benga hadn't told her what he was working on, only that she couldn't help. That it wasn't anything to do with Majalis. She wasn't entirely sure she believed him, but she had at least convinced him to go home. Get some sleep. Then she'd pulled the kid's transporter logs so she could crawl through his genome, looking for anything, anything that might give them a clue. That had even a prayer of working. It didn't help that she had no idea what she was looking for, that they had nothing to go on. There had to be something here. She had to try.
It was the only thing she could do that drowned out the noise.
/
Something went boom down in engineering. Nothing major. Nothing drastic. Something to do with a modified tractor beam. But boom meant injuries, and injuries, right now, meant she was getting out of lunch.
"It's fine, you go, I'll handle this."
Castillo eyed her with the same expression every damn one of them had worn today. As if she was fragile. Dangerous. Liable to fly apart at the seams. "You have to eat, Christine. You were here before seven, Idrissa told me, and you haven't taken your eyes off that screen. You're no good to anyone dead on your feet. And after yesterday…"
She felt the anger rise, fresh and violent as her fists clenched. Yesterday had been purgatory, and purgatory had been nowhere near enough. Castillo took a step back, eyes widening reflexively, and Chapel made herself breathe. Dig up the smile that was making her face ache, that she knew wasn't reaching her eyes. "Yesterday is over. Today we have patients. And since M'Benga is busy I'll handle these and you go and get lunch. You know how much I love plasma burns." She hated plasma burns. Regrowing nerves was horrific. You just had to knock the patient out. If they let you.
Castillo seemed only halfway convinced, but she backed off. "I'll bring you something back."
"No need, really. I'm fine."
The pain was appalling, but it was pain she could fix. And fixing it, however briefly, would make things go quiet.
/
"Is it true you flipped a table?"
Krastev hadn't let her knock him out, despite the fact the burns covered nearly half his face. Chapel ran the regenerator over his blistered scalp, trying to heal the skin enough that she could place a biodermal patch over his mangled eye. He'd see again, but not for a day or two. The process was nasty, even with the sedation she'd given him. She could hardly begrudge the man a distraction.
"I might have had a disagreement with commander Chin-Riley."
"I wish I'd seen that. Right now you're a legend down in engineering."
"You mean I wasn't before?" She fixed the ensign with a glare she'd picked up from La'an. He grinned, wincing as the movement stretched his damaged skin.
"Notorious maybe."
"Hey, who's the one with access to the sedatives here? I'm warning you, I know how to use them."
"Sure Chapel. Very frightening. I've seen you sparring with Noonien-Singh. You're no match for me, even deep-fried."
Chapel tried to laugh, but the name caught her like a blow to the solar plexus. Krastev frowned, his damaged eye shifting painfully to follow her.
"We heard, about the kid. It sucks, Chapel. With engineering, you just fix things. It goes wrong, you start again. But fixing people, that has to be rough sometimes. If you ever need a distraction…"
"I'm fine." She hitched her best smile back up before he could react to her tone, making sure to wrinkle her nose just so. "I'll have you know I'm just fine for distractions."
Another grin stretched his slowly healing smile. "One in every port, isn't it?"
"Only the classy ones."
"It's all right for some."
She squeezed his arm, keeping well below the ragged edge of his burned shoulder. "Trust me, you'll be every bit as handsome when I'm done."
"Sure." He jumped as another ruined nerve sparked back into life.
"You really don't have to feel this. It's only going to get worse. Let me put you out. It won't be for long."
"Only if you promise I won't wake up with a moustache."
"Only if you promise to ask Glenn out next shore leave." The sudden red tinting Krastev's unblemished cheek told her she'd hit the mark. "He's been waiting months now. What's the hold up?"
"We work on a powder keg in space, and my job is to monitor the fuse. The last person I dated…" He sighed. "The burns vanish. The memories don't. Your jobs are hard enough."
It was unbearably sweet. Chapel put him out before she could lose control of her face.
/
"Seriously, Maia, I don't…"
Castillo pulled the PADD out of her hand, replacing it with a fork as she slid the mess tray firmly in front of her. "It's Saag Paneer. Gulnaz said you eat it or he's coming down here. His exact words were that no one can expect to heal while living on coffee and cinnamon rolls."
Chapel stared at the offering, willing her breathing back up through her tightened throat, forcing her fingers back open so she could put down the fork. "I have patients to check."
"The patients are fine."
"Ensign Krastev…"
"Is still asleep."
"Then I have somewhere else to be."
She left Maia sitting by the tray. Apparently yesterday's monster was back. At least she was consistent.
/
Una didn't look happy to see her, but she wasn't surprised.
"Nurse Chapel."
"Do you have a minute?"
Una stepped back, inviting her into the office. Chapel hadn't been here before. It was… warm. Unexpectedly detailed. Chapel found herself looking for the oleander they had found. The smell of apricots. But there was only coffee.
"Would you like some?" Una was holding up a thermos Chapel realised she'd been staring at.
"I need to know how I resign."
"You don't."
"That's not…"
"You don't. Sit down." Una ignored the fact that she didn't. Which was just as well. Chapel didn't think she could. "You shouldn't be making any decisions right now. Frankly, I'm not even sure you should be working." She held up a hand to forestall Chapel's immediate protest. "That's not my decision. At least not yet. What I can say is that I'm not accepting any request of that nature until you've been cleared by recovery assistance."
"I don't need…"
"Don't you?"
"I'm fine."
Una watched her for a second, considering. "Ok." She lowered herself onto the edge of the desk, holding Chapel's stubborn gaze. "Let me ask you something."
"Fine."
"What are you doing with La'an?"
The world blurred. Chapel pressed at her face, but the tears weren't a conscious effort. There was nothing she could do to make them stop.
Una stilled, concern suddenly clouding her features. "Oh." She pushed herself back up slowly. "Sit down Chapel."
"No." She stepped back, somehow unable to look away from eyes that had always seen right through her. "I'm…"
"Just…"
Her hand found the panel that tripped the door open. "I shouldn't have come."
/
The cloak wouldn't work. Chapel wrapped it around her in the warm, dim room, dug her fingers into it as she folded herself into the space between the couch and the coffee table, but it wouldn't glow. She couldn't even calm herself enough to make it spark. She sat and breathed in the deafening silence, hoping at least the tears might stop, but all she could do was make her mind go white, let time blur into a slow, shapeless, echoing mess.
Her throat hurt. Her sleeves were wet.
The door hissed open. Chapel listened as La'an set something on the table, toed her boots off. Quiet feet across the rug.
"You don't need to. I'm fine."
La'an sat and passed her a handful of tissues. Wrapped an arm around her. "I know." Her fingers sparked the cloak into life, a rippling, warm aurora of everything safe.
Chapel dropped her forehead to her knees as La'an drew her closer, and sobbed until she couldn't breathe.