Chapter 3- What Did I Do

The silence in the room was deafening, Ben hadn't said one word since I had let him in. He stood there looking down at his feet nervously while my eyes darted from him to the clock perched on the kitchen wall. After another ten seconds of awkward silence I decided I'd better break the silence, seeing as how it didn't look like Ben was going to.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I asked tentatively. Ben finally looked at me for the first time since he entered the house, his eyes apologetic.

"I thought I could handle this no sex thing, but I honestly can't. I want to have sex, with you, but you obviously don't want me in that way. And I'm fine with that, really. That's why I think we should see other people." Ben finished sadly, looking down at his shoes again. I looked at him in complete shock. He was breaking up with me because I wouldn't sleep with him! He is completely unbelievable some times.

"Let me get this straight. You're breaking up with me because I won't sleep with you?" I asked.

"When you put it like that I sound like a jerk." He answered guiltily.

"You know exactly why I won't sleep with you, Ben. I just had a baby, a baby I wasn't ready for. So, excuse me if I'm not eager to have sex right now." I snapped. Ben sighed and started fidgeting.

"I guess I can't get over the fact that you had sex with Ricky." Ben admitted. I looked at him in shock.

"So the real reason your breaking up with me is because I slept with Ricky before I even met you?" I questioned in utter disbelief.

"That sounds bad, I know." Ben replied. I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts.

"Yeah, it really does, Ben! I can't believe you would even say something like that. You were suppose to be different, but your not. Your just as bad as Ricky.. No scratch that, your worse. Ricky at least admits he's a man-whore and that he is addicted to sex, he doesn't sugarcoat anything. Ricky is honest and doesn't lie or tell me any bullshit, he's not afraid to tell me what he wants or thinks." I vented. Ben looked at me with wide, disbelieving, hurt eyes.

"Then why don't you go be with him?" Ben asked through semi-gritted teeth.

"Because, I don't want him. I love you. But, apparently you don't love me anymore so why don't you just go?" I responded, un-shed tears blurring my vision.

"I do love you, Amy." He replied walking over to me and pulling me against his chest.

I tried pushing him away but he surprisingly didn't budge. I held onto him closer as I realized this was it for us, we were really breaking up. Yes, he had been getting on my nerves lately, and yes, I was starting to have feelings for Ricky. But, I didn't want us to breakup. I still loved Ben and wanted to be together, but he obviously didn't. The only way I could keep us together was to sleep with him.

At that thought I pulled myself away from Ben, just enough so that I could see his face. I took a deep breath and pressed my lips onto his, while my hands found their way to the bottom of Ben's shirt. I swiftly pulled it off of his head before attacking his lips again. Ben pulled away, his breathing heavy. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"I don't want to lose you, Ben." I responded. Our lips met again as I led him to my bedroom. Thanking my lucky stars that no one was home and that Ricky had taken John for the day.

XXXX

I pulled the sheet up to my chin self-consciously. I looked up at the ceiling feeling like a complete moron as I listened to Ben's heavy breathing coming from beside me. I had to blink back the tears as I watched Ben put his clothes back on. "I have to get to work. I'll call you later, okay?" Ben asked, looking back at me as he pulled his shirt over his head. I nodded my head quickly wanting nothing more than to be by myself. He smiled at me and hovered over me, placing a kiss on my lips. I had to force myself to kiss him back so he wouldn't ask what was wrong. "I love you, Amy." He said, looking down at me with a triumphant smile. I nodded my head and forced a smile on my face. "Me too." I replied.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard the kitchen door slam shut. I wrapped the sheet around me tightly and got off the bed, picking my clothes off the floor. I walked into the bathroom and turned the shower on. I let the sheet drop and stepped into the shower. The hot water cascading down my back, making my muscles relax.

I didn't even want to think about what happened. It did not go the way I thought it would. It was even worse than my first time with Ricky. Ben wasn't very gentle and he didn't last nearly as long a Ricky did. I had felt absolutely nothing with Ben, with Ricky it did start feeling good. But, with Ben I wasn't very relaxed which made it feel like he was rubbing me raw.

I shut the water off and dried myself off, before putting my clothes back on. I went back to the living room, where the TV was now playing again. Sabrina The Teenage Witch still playing. That tells you how long he lasted. I sat down and cuddled up to the pillow, salty tears making their way down my fragile face.

Before I knew it I was in full blow sobs. I couldn't believe I slept with Ben just to stop him from breaking up with me. I felt like a total slut, I felt like Adrian. The only reason she was sleeping with Ricky was to keep him and now I'm no better than she is. I never thought I was the kind of girl to sleep with a man just to keep him, but apparently I was.

Before I knew what I was doing I had my cellphone in hand, dialing an all to familiar number. "Amy? Is everything okay?" The male voice asked.

"Ricky, could you come over?" I sobbed into the phone.